I can achieve anything I set my mind to unless it’s slightly inconvenient.

Personality test: Original Oreos? or Golden Oreos?

Bluesky is getting good at juxtaposition @dly.bsky.social

Not a good first day for the U.S. at the Ryder Cup today. Clearly they need to release the Epstein Files.

🚨 This scene comes to us from Iowa. The man recording this atrocious attack on an innocent man makes it clear that he is a combat veteran, and explains that he is going to video their crimes and he is not to be touched: “I will knock you the fuck out.” 1/2

Let’s make this viral. They are not masked….lets make them as famous as we can.

I’m here you punkass bitch

Sinclair restoring Kimmel to its networks, and this whole situation in general, needs to be a lesson that we imprint in our minds and add to our arsenal of fighting back against fascism. If we are forced to live under capitalism then we can wield capitalism as a weapon and win.

Fuck this country into the ground.

Sinclair Broadcasting

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

[bank teller describing me to the police] He was really out of breath, couldn’t carry a lot of money. Had Shrek stickers on his gun…called it a SHREK-9.

I got kicked out of the mall for running an illegal petting zoo in the back of the cookie cake place

Me anytime I hear “For the Love of Money”

👀 they stole a large bottle of spicy ketchup from me, too, while we’re on the subject. I knew it the whole time — a spicy ketchup conspiracy!!! storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.us...

Westside Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and Ive been shot in the arm

I absolutely cannot wait to nerd out over this!

I want to meet the climate change hoax cabal. They must have deep pockets to give all those professors and graduate students posh lifestyles. I'd ask how reducing pollution is so profitable that they can outspend the oil industry. I bet Big Bicycle and Big Reusable Tote Bag are pulling the strings.

I wanna see something… Where you live or grew up, what do/did you call it when summer long outstayed its welcome? High heat well into late September or October? I’ve always heard it called one thing but wondered if it was regional

still wild that these albums were all released on the same day 34 years ago

"Stop calling us Nazis," said the Nazi nazingly.

Forget everything you already know about America's most notorious dead person. Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile is in select theaters October 2.

If I could permanently outsource one specific indoor house chore it’d be cleaning my bath/shower. Fuck I hate it

Unlock a random memory to show who you are: I always had multiple cats at the same time when I was growing up and I used to run “experiments” on them by hanging different coloured ribbons across my bedroom doorframe and tracking which colours they attacked most often on my little clipboard

Stephen Miller’s wife Katie referred to him as a “sexual matador” so if you’re listening, giant asteroids, now would be a good time to hurl yourselves towards the earth and end our misery

The white supremacist conceit that everyone in antiquity was living under some kind of global jim crow segregation is just complete bullshit news.harvard.edu/gazette/stor...

I hate how much I cry. Everything makes me cry. So easily. Crocodile tears. Fucking menopause.

Make sure you register online for the next ANTI ICE pizza party

We had a Popeyes open near my job about 2 months ago and I was so eager to go but the lines were stupid long and I couldn’t do it. But today’s the day. I’m treating myself. I’m so excited!

CNBC headline in a picture

Ah, yes. The shooter wrote "ANTI-ICE" in Sharpie because they couldn't fit "I AM A RADICAL LEFTIST WHO IS ANTI-ICE. NO, SERIOUSLY GUYS, I AM. JUST SO YOU KNOW WHO TO BLAME. THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT KASH PATEL WRITING THIS."

Chat, what are some good Mediterranean diet friendly options at Little Caesars?

I'm giving up Bluesky for a life on the high seas, boarding ships and stealing treasure. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

GET IN THE CAR! WE NEED BROCCOLI NOW!! FLORET!!!

I have a new project. An Alan Parsons Project, if you will. An Alan Parsons Project cover band called the Alan Parsons Project Project

I got kicked out of law school when I cited joe v. the volcano on my final exam

This is how I know this place is better than Twitter: After perusing this list I was shocked to learn there was porn on here. I’ve never seen it. At all. It never crosses my feed. On Twitter it used to be relentless despite my constant swatting. Bluesky is great!

There are so many hot guys at this Tupperware party

im actually training to be a chess grandmaster. first things first i gotta get good at sitting in a chair

Well, yeah, it’s kind of irrelevant now. We know where they’re at, they’re in the White House.

i said, stress free, motherfucker!!!! on the ground, now!!!!!

As a disabled pregnant woman currently taking paracetamol (tylenol) for back & pelvic pain... I don't yet have a response for the ableist, eugenicist, evidently pro-life movatived "announcement" from the US President. But I will say this. If you don't want a disabled child, don't have children.

A 12-foot statue of President Donald Trump and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein holding hands and prancing together was erected on the National Mall early Tuesday

Sorry for the inconveyance.

i muted the word rapture and most of my timeline disappeared, which is a sort of rapture in and of itself

more like crapture amirite

I just guffawed in traffic. Was behind a Ford F-150 Lightning with this license plate and frame. It’s a pet peeve of mine too so I definitely appreciated it haha

I suspect we are, probably for our own mental health, underestimating the degree to which the Trump administration is dominated by the worst swingers imaginable

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft