I've always been sensitive about my swearing, but it fucktuates wildly when interacting with stupid people.

Don't waste your time staring at the person you are in love with. Get your butt up and go tell them you're in love with them before its too late.

Man.. This has got to be the weirdest dating app ever gonna need some more spoons

I don’t build walls love I build labyrinths

“We serve at the pleasure of the president?” Quote of Pete Hegseth Sorry but the president serves the populace of America We pay him/her to perform a vital job And we fire them when it isn’t done Revolutions are borne from the few who insist on crushing the many No Kings No Oligarchs No Fascist

M: Are we to become enslaved and brutalized in a free country ? G: if you’re lucky L: anyone have a pebble to gnaw or a lavender satchel

Hey guys let’s just pretend he’s dead again that was funsies

you’ve some nerve telling me I can do better when I gave you my best

A collective FUCK heard around the world September 30th 2025

Wife: What’s that smell? Husband: *sniffs* I don’t know, maybe it’s my armpits? Wife: No no no.. never mind, someone is smoking pot outside. (Life in Canada)

The abyss told me to be quiet. It already knows, the abyss said.

Going to send Goodall's family a chimpathy card.

if i still had the vigor of my youth id waste that son of a bitch again so well

Sorry I'm late. I was sharpening my pitchfork

welcome to the jungle, we’ve got puns (they’re lame)

I get it, Bluesky. I'm tired, too.

I've been ready for bed since 4pm

[during sex] what base is this?

i have the spice rack of an ancient god king and natures perfect murder machine purring in my lap AND I WANT MORE

Being funny requires a certain threshold of trauma and eating way more than the recommend daily amount of Flintstones vitamins as a kid.

things have gotten so bad that even the Care Bears have run out of fucks to give

if i sit very still and refrain from making any loud noises maybe this sunday won't end

Took a vow to be mediocre.

I don't understand the appeal of chicken wings. Like, here's some spicy bones, you'll need a shower afterwards.

Someone: you should smile more Me: *hisses*

I think I deserve a raise* *someone to hold me aloft like a trophy

Your Honor, they habitually commented on posts they didn’t like or share.

Vibrating like the little ball of anxiety that I am

Allow me to recklessly speculate

Ziti = little tubes of pleasure

will work for fucks to give. and fucks.

The more things progress, I'm thinking knitted straight jackets aren't such a bad idea.

Me: They call me mellow yellow lol Doctor: It’s called jaundice, and nothing good rhymes with it

I don’t trust people who “can’t complain.”

This slippery slope could use some lube

Living vicariously through the stickers on your Volkswagen.

Squirrels just have a death wish

opening an ice cream shop called Hurricones where you can order a "cone of uncertainty" and we surprise you with a random flavor

The "submit a ticket" button on this website is actually just a cleverly designed stress ball. Didn’t help.

The tech support guy told me to try turning my patience off and on again. Needless to say that worked.

They kept me on hold for so long that the on hold music started to get legitimately good, and I became a fan.

A long time ago happens pretty fast . . .

I come from a long line of one liners.

I've mastered the four-way stop decades ago. It's a complex social ritual where we all sit, wave politely at each other, and wait for a crazy teenager to finally break the stalemate.

I sneezed, my back cracked loudly, and my wife yelled, "What broke?!" We sat in silence for a full minute, waiting to see what would hurt. Turns out life does.

My retirement plan is officially a surprising and timely death. But knowing MasterCard, they will bill me in hell.

A perfectly aimed fart escaped me in a dead-silent elevator. The other occupant looked at me like I'd just released a biological weapon.

A fly buzzed directly into my open mouth mid-yawn. We both felt violated.