Everything happens for a random.

Sometimes when I’m sad I remember that I can always motorboat myself and that makes me feel better

You're welcome I just lit the wrong end of a cigarette replying to you

Hell is a constant loop of my shitposts

Ah yes. Pumpkin spice toilet paper.

What we need on this shit app is more sexy Shrek

Food delivery robots have human names and blinking eyes. But they’re not our friends

Feeling shitty about my life, might post some cleavage for validation.

Forgot about this account while trying to survive life again.

This day insists on being aggressively challenging.

Best stoner snack? Mine: Tater tots with chili poured over them with Doritos crushed on top of that and then CHEEEEESE! I will die on this hill!

*moves around*

My dog may be a picky eater, but he’s never had a library fine

Ima have to practice my penmanship again? Nfw

if you can't sleep it's prolly cos you missed one of the sheep in the dream captcha

I've been ready for bed since 4pm

[during sex] what base is this?

I get it, Bluesky. I'm tired, too.

Sorry I'm late. I was sharpening my pitchfork

if i still had the vigor of my youth id waste that son of a bitch again so well

I don’t build walls love I build labyrinths

Man.. This has got to be the weirdest dating app ever gonna need some more spoons

Don't waste your time staring at the person you are in love with. Get your butt up and go tell them you're in love with them before its too late.

I sneezed, my back cracked loudly, and my wife yelled, "What broke?!" We sat in silence for a full minute, waiting to see what would hurt. Turns out life does.

The tech support guy told me to try turning my patience off and on again. Needless to say that worked.

The "submit a ticket" button on this website is actually just a cleverly designed stress ball. Didn’t help.

Wife: What’s that smell? Husband: *sniffs* I don’t know, maybe it’s my armpits? Wife: No no no.. never mind, someone is smoking pot outside. (Life in Canada)

Is this wallowing hole taken?

I lost my phone stylus down the side of this La-Z-Boy and my vacation is ruined.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

Can’t remember who said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

I didn't lose my mind, it's free derange.

I’m not in a weird mood, it’s a lifestyle.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but *revs up chainsaw*

I’m not much of a morning person, or a night person. I’m a “please reschedule this entire day” person.

I’m not much of a morning person, or a night person. When you get right down to it? I’m not much of a person at all

The sky's way of saying, "Here's your 12 hours of light. Make it count, because the next six months are just a prelude to shoveling snow.”

You are standing on a cobbled London street, you can smell chicken. There is an archway in front of you. To the north is the Clink; to the east, a poncey wine tasting place; to the west is a nandos and the Thames. To the south is the Globe. There are many tourists. What do you want to do?

you only gotta worry about the rapture if you never bought all your agreed upon music purchases from Columbia House

I’m a rapture up in deez nuts

A movie about Dr Pimple Popper, call it the Exorcyst

Being in your sixties, the most risqué thing I can imagine is finding a position that doesn't make one of us say, "Wait, my knee."

She whispered the three words every man my age wants to hear: "I've got Bengay."

man sometimes you just gotta consider the source and not sweat it

Let's go play on the swings. I'll give you an underduck

Lawn darts should make a return. We could definitely use some thinning of the herd

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.