Just two items remain on the to do list, time for a break

Why yes I have two cigarettes going

Okay number one is done, number two is started, and I am three martinis in, perfect for vacuuming the house

I tend to leave half smoked cigarettes in certain books and crannies at work and every so often I will find a stack of half smoked cigarettes on my desk

I think I have enough pens

She's hunting lizards

Eleven O'clock and I'm two martinis in, what a great day!

I love dad's 80's Chevrolet hat

Imma need a lot more vodka

In two days it will have been 40 years since this photo of my 9th birthday at Skate City (now a classic car showroom) was taken.

I spent the past hour looking for my favorite pen just to be able to write a to do list for today

Cheers

It's close enough to noon

I've been awake since 4AM and have been cleaning out every junk drawer in the house

I love fuckin with people

Cheers

I'm ready for Bike Week

So much pain in one image.

I hate my birthday

Good morning!

Another night of praying for my own demise

He knows I post about him. He still doesn't have the app though

Awake at 4:30 AM At work at 5AM A banana at 9AM Two McDonald's Cheeseburgers and a medium fry 2PM Four lemon drop martinis 4PM-Now Yeah I covered all the food groups

I've got it bad y'all, I just set a photo of him as my phone's wallpaper

the other night I was thinking it’d be fun to make a graphic of how I perceive certain accounts on bluesky. like a family tree or a map or something where accounts that, in my mind, live in the same neighborhood or whatever.

Good Morning!

I hate me

I'm sad, I'm also happy, I'm depressed but optimistic, I'm a mess

I can feel the weight of everything on my shoulders right now

You couldn't build a city on rock and roll any more because of the evolution of the planning process

In a week I'll be a year older

Three martinis in already

I find a lot of people who agree with me to be annoying, so there's no reason to think I'm any different.

I should be in the kitchen figuring out dinner but I’m smoking on my patio instead

*gets pulled out of Bluesky by a hook*

THEM: It's not funny. Please don't laugh. ME:

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

SOTU? more like STFU

My brain has two speeds: saying everything I’ve ever thought with stunning clarity or forgetting basic vocabulary halfway through a sentence.

A Scottish executive at work is coaching me on using “cunt” in a positive tone, which feels like professional development I can get behind.

I've been buying him Boost high protein drinks, the past three days he has pounded three on the ride to work, and he's yet to pound me this week

ME: time to sleep BRAIN: what if you were in a bathroom stall and a giraffe walked in

Sure I've had six martinis, but I also did laundry, scrubbed the bathroom, vacuumed the entire house, cleaned all the the windows and sills, and somehow am not tired

I normally make lemon drop martinis, but I ran out of lemon juice five martinis in, so I substituted lime juice and after five martinis who can tell the difference?

J'ai beaucoup des problèmes

Who else is up vacuuming their house at nearly midnight

It's crazy to think that 98 of the 100 senators signed the original constitution

I have done more research for social media posts than I ever did in my 15 years of college."

never ask your girlfriends dad if you can get married, cause he might say yes and then it takes forever to get divorced from him

I can't remember if this is the fifth or sixth martini tonight, either way I am feeling great