*waking up from a nap* Shit! Still breathing

What is the correct emoji for I wanna die?

*seriously hating myself*

Had to delete another skeet because of a typo

The proper word for just how much I hate myself doesn't exist

You “ate” a gummy - liar, you ate at least half a bag of those bears or worms. You “took” a gummy - you better pray to god you didn’t take half a bag of those.

Spent some time with Dad and my brother and sister today

A French manicure is basically a French dip but with your fingers. You’re welcome.

Gotta be at the same workplace in two hours for a twelve hour shift and I honestly feel his pain

My bf walked out of work tonight, if you want to know how my evening is going

[in the dead of night] Is that a goddamn blackbird singing?

My followers don’t engage me We’re still just in the early dating fireworks phase

If we all point a magnet at the sky at the same time maybe we can attract an asteroid

I'm thinking of starting a submarine racing league for billionaires

I'm no longer baffled the dark ages occurred

Imma smoke this bowl and ignore that reply

Shitposts are the lubricant of Bluesky

*dropping an Alka-Seltzer into the bong*

Grown men are always coming up to me with tears in their eyes and saying "you're a fuckwit"

🎶Lord lift us up where we belong🎶 (The surface of the sun)

Just bought an apple and some sleeping pills and I’m pretty sure the cash register girl thinks I’m going home to cosplay Snow White.

unfortunately I post instead of going to therapy

*digging my way back up*

[watching the neighbor who is mean to me try to mow real quick before it starts raining and fail] well gosh darn it huh

Not going to have time to shower before work today. I hope I still smell like sex.

Sorry I’m not a better person, but this is what an entirely unsupervised child of the 70s and 80s looks like.

A shitpost so powerful it causes a pontypool language virus situation

It hurts so much

Had to pick him up from work hours early because his wisdom tooth is coming in impacted and after dosing him with Tylenol, ibuprofen, and a couple shots of vodka he's asleep

*seeing an evil mother fucker is getting "excellent care" in the hospital* That doesn't seem right

The funniest people I know never announce they're funny

I have had a very long day at work and all I really want is to spend time with him, but his shift started at 3pm and he won't be done until 1am and I have to be back at work at 5am so we are not going to see each other this weekend

Spent my day on a boom lift replacing siding on the highest part of the building

I'm three martinis in and there's no end in sight

Me: *walking into any room* One second let me check on my bangers

My 23yo BF: *scrolling Netflix* Have you seen this? *points at Karate Kid Legends (2025)* Me: No. My BF: Oh shit, wait you have to see the original first! *scrolls to the Jaden Smith Karate Kid movie*

this is why @lockwilford.com is my spirit animal

I'm definitely not getting added to group chats after the group chats on the last app

we don’t say utmost often enough

If you fought for each other as hard as you fight each other in the comment sections of social media we wouldn’t be in this mess.

If you ever want a joke ruined with facts, post it on social media.

Almost that time of year again where there’s no more cold tap water for the summer. Good times.

blocked. I don’t need that kinda positivity on my timeline

Life's only expensive if you think in terms of how much money everything costs.

I mistakenly thought the saying was "keep your friends' clothes." I should return all these t-shirts.

Not today "recommended serving size." Not today...

Time for my morning dose of naked gay men drinking coffee on the discover tab.

Saturday and Sunday I had to be at work at 4 am. He was done closing at roughly 3 am those days. I picked him up dropped him at home and turned right back around and went to work myself. The second night he complained he didn't get to spend anytime with me before he went to bed.