The Conservative Hitchhiker's Guide to Shifting Blame to the Liberal Galaxy

Good Morning!

The Conservative Hitchhiker's Guide to Shifting Blame to the Liberal Galaxy

Pssssst, what the actual fuck

gonna take this edible thirty minutes early

We both kinda liked it

Bout to make dinner

playing sussudio to see if i got another set in me

I've spent the past hour pulling staples out of the front of one of the host stands at work and I'm going to now throw away every staple gun in the building

Stepped out of the workshop and saw the rocket launch

Good Morning!

anyone who has had a headache knows that Tylenol does absolutely nothing. ❤️

Things have gotten so terrible that the only way a movie could convey it would be to cast Nicolas Cage

i am the sleepiest one online rn

The cum has just been raptured from inside my balls.

I pinched my finger with the grey goose cork, so this third martini better be perfect

I only send nudes via Morse code

*tap dancing into the second day of fall*

just got my flu and covid shot and then just had some tylenol so i’m about to be labeled an enemy of the state

I took Tylenol one time and woke up with a vasectomy.

errybody in the rapture gettin tipsy

rapture sucks boooo!

In this house we have tacos on Monday and red beans and rice on Tuesday. Fuck errbody.

So something I noticed yesterday, everytime I arrive at the dispensary a really good song comes on the radio

Time distortion on satellite radio vs the app is making me crazy

If you aren't carrying over six figures of debt are you even American?

When I see a like notification from certain mutuals I feel like my work here is done

My superpower is I can pick up my phone and instantly have twenty apps open

It's only number two, relax already

The question I get asked most frequently is, "Michael, what is your opinion of the Wikipedia page on doors?" Well, here are my full and honest thoughts

*opening BlueSky to see the death asteroid still isn't here* Dammit

If you block me, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

I have, after a solid year, finally cleaned my desk of all paper; it's either properly filed or in the recycling bin

I keep telling myself that they saved it for when it's no longer true

ah yes my favorite food group: butter

This meeting could have been the rapture

I'm a firm believer in what you put out into the world is what you get back, and his lack of empathy and compassion is going to come back at him faster and harder than he put it out

You know what we should invest $100B in? Love.

What a fucking G.

Them: Do you ever shut up? Me: I don't even suck dick quietly.

This may sound horrible, and it is not my fault -- remember that, but what we need to bring us together again is a kid in a well

If we all point a magnet at the sky at the same time maybe we can attract an asteroid

I'm no longer baffled the dark ages occurred

Before blocking please fill out this exit survey

Welcome to The United States, we put all the horrible people in charge

Maybe something did happen on Y2K and we just missed it

Sorry I unfollowed you I didn't like you

My favorite part of the apocalypse has been the constant fatigue

butt chugging NyQuil is still ok