Omg she lives 5 minutes away from my ex wife

Dudes rock

Telling someone "I'm drinking wine and feeling sexual" an hour before they're supposed to pick you up is one way to make sure you are picked up promptly.

About to eat fried chicken

Throated, no teeth

I gotta start paying attention to football so I know when to avoid rt3

Now I'm SURE I parked my car somewhere

I was starting to think this person wants to fuck me but now I'm starting to think she might fuck me in exchange for free labor without actually saying that's what she's doing and I'm fine with it

It actually is. It's very weird, but you can ask anybody who hasn't drunk for over a week, and they'll confirm this.

Piss part isn't true

Gonna finish off the week with sex with a 5th partner then I'm celibate for 2 weeks. It's crazy how everybody is always busy at the same time so we all only fuck during full moons.

Republicans became Nazis, Democrats became Republicans. Yep, the Leftists are definitely responsible for this.

Anybody know what this even means?

It's going to get worse before it gets worse

Bro I hurt my back showing off for this lady (she doesn't know that and I already took her home)

I'm going to prison for murdering the pussy

This was NOT the tv station

I enjoy the Waldo Jeffers story but this instrumental fucks like it has 2 dicks

Look I could worry about the war or go pick up a cute girl to kiss

This guy is mad at the wallet inspector again

You're punching down in a time of crisis doesn't help, Liberals don't owe anyone anything

im just saying it's legal to kidnap other presidents now!! mr xi

mr xi you know what to do now

Does anybody else have a DFAM and how close to 'in tune' have you ever been able to make it? It's fun but you better record everything because you'll never get it to do that again.

not sure what you’re referring to, this is what i meant: www.the-independent.com/arts-enterta...

Ana De Armas is pretty but she's not pretty enough to get away with that accent work

I say "See the robot?" to my dog every time I see a robot on the sidewalk

remember how the Girl Who Broke My Heart always called me cutie well the Current Obsession calls me sir.

"The revolution will not make you look 5 pounds thinner."

You should get high and listen to this Or don't. I'm not your dad. youtu.be/hGQu4_fan8Q?...

"The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal" OK but what if it does?

Do any gay people watch the gay hockey show or is the audience 100% straight women?

Sadly, if they are fine with playing at the nazi playground, they're probably cool with the child porn too.

I don't think anybody earnestly predicted this. I think a bunch of people said "wouldn't it be funny if Adams succeeded Trump as president"

Hillary and Kamala did both run aggressively TERRIBLE campaigns, so I don't think we should give Trump all of the credit for stealing from these obvious losers who stand for nothing at all.

And I really feel like Gore won too. Imagine where we’d be if Gore had won? I bet no 9/11.

A horse is like if you combined a dog with a bike

They'll never kill me at long as I can get dinner for $7

Might fuck around and eat pizza again

At War With the Mystics (2006)

It's a holiday so go fuck yourself if you rely on public transportation to get to work I guess

Dr Seuss ass sign

Just saw somebody who looked like a younger version of my ex wife on the train

I didn't ride my bike today because the roads looked sketchy in the morning and now I'm out here walking like some asshole

Dick so deep it hits your heart