I kicked an Uber Eats robot hard enough to break some of its plastic skin off

That's what a face is for

Everyone saying this in the ramp up to the election were correct and the party loyalists still argue online for free that the Dems can do no wrong.

in case this wasn't obvious: the main takeaway of the entire epstein saga is that everyone in the ruling class who's been telling us that economic democracy "doesn't work" is a pedophile

It's Christmas EVE not Christmas Steve

The Dunning-Kruger Effect and the Streisand Effect, when merged, become the Bari Weiss Effect

It's Christmas EVE not Christmas Steve

I AM NOT GOING TO CALL HER

this is my laptop

Fuck you I'm watching Tenet again because it's leaving Netflix soon and it's also Nolan's best film

I'm NOT going to send a merry Xmas text to the Girl Who I Shouldn't Even Be Thinking About Anymore

{whispering in your ear} If you were a titty I would squeeze it

I'm sure they're not going to use the records of all the times we bought weed legally against us when it's illegal again, right?

Oh hello new guy. I just happen to be very hungry.

I usually ride my bike for this part of the commute but I love that our light rail runs on the honor system. Friends, I am not honorable. I will never pay for this. It should be free for everyone anyway.

I wish we had weed bars man. Just a place to buy 3 joints and smoke them. I don't miss alcohol but hanging out in bars kind of rules.

"Listen kid, all you have to do is get lucky and have a couple of hit songs right at the end of the era where you could still get rich from making recorded music. Like I did. Why are you so lazy?"

What tempo should I synth jam on tonight

who called it cunnilingus instead of amuse bouche

I'm field recordings as fuck

Hits vape

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

This is just as likely to work as any of the other bullshit I say

good god lol

Worth noting that the student admits that she just threw the thing together in 30 minutes without reading the paper she was supposed to be responding to.

Bro there's a food truck with 3 empanadas for $3 and I've been eating pizza for lunch at work because it's the only cheap lunch. Idiot.

This is a public school

$300 and this could be yours

Updated Pussy Wagon

At least when Rome collapsed after a thousand years it was because their entire society had been eating and drinking exclusively from pipes and instruments made of lead. I feel this gives them some sort of excuse at least. What do the white Christian nationalist of capitalism have in their defense?

Somebody needs to Do The Thing

I have to be at work at 11 but the Jersey weed stores open at 10. This morning's commute is going to be tricky because I am NOT going to an nyc weed store (they got weed at cocaine prices)

England keeps looking at us from across the ocean and saying "hold my beer"

Sexy Asian woman with a British accent "well I feel like I've been properly fucked, I guess I can go home now"

Quote w yr fav pic of you in 2025

The American versions are just as bad. PEOPLE STOP PUTTING HACKABLE SPY CAMERAS IN YOUR HOMES!

not only was he the king of rock n roll he was the king of gape too

ME: I didn't choose the thug life THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning ME: I could not have been more clear

Tom Macklemore is so funny man youtu.be/q8SbeHhNR9k?...

Holidays delayed the second date but she's coming over next week. Also she calls me "sir"

Force James Cameron to make a $5 million movie in less and a year and you will get the greatest movie ever made.

It looks like a really cool video game but I have never enjoyed watching someone else play a video game.

It's 10:55 and my shift starts at 11 you do not need to check on to see how it's going yet. I am still outside getting high. Standby

Feels weird going to Manhattan without my bike but babe is picking me up after work and I don't know what kind of car she has or if her trunk is big enough for me to put my bike in it

Protip: if you're going to schedule sex, do it on a Monday. I am the anti-Garfield

It's weed

Doc Bullfrog, you smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. They’ll kill you.