I assumed it was Celebrity Jeopardy because I looked up and saw a doughy white guy and assumed it was Ross Douthat

I can’t explain it but this is exactly what the Athletic Director of Robert Morris University looks like

Post hospital clarity > post nut clarity

Remember Ebola? It’s back! In pog form!

What if he just never came back?

It only counts when it happens to one of them

lol this was an ad for his ballroom

I just realized I’m reading four books again. ADHD is like speed learning

The only Tourettes guy I recognize

Please just read us the news

Huh. It really is the everything app

Lexapro: My emotions:

Help! I watched Eddington, Inherent Vice and One Battle After Another too close together

Huh. We usually let the three letter agencies take care of our South American colonial escapades.

Paul Thomas Anderson sure can make a good Thomas Pynchon movie

The best part of either The Chair Company or One Battle After Another? You guessed it. Jim Downey

Bought an mp3 player. Discman is next

Reply economy is rough these days for small account owners. Each like feels like a blessing.

Republicans are less complimentary

Drop a log for the lord!

We’re coming for these people soon, correct?

I tire of Olivia Nuzzi

You should be able to trade players between sports. Luka to the Broncos for Surtain who says no?

Fuck you, Harley Jarvis

This is the look of a man head over heels in love

100,000,000,000% chance there is at least one page in the Epstein files they’re going to release that specificity says Trump didn’t do anything wrong and that he specifically did not blow Bill Clinton

Going on a book tour and press junket about how flamed out and faded away

“It’s not gay to suck a little dick”

I used to refer to Tom Hanks as “That guy that was in that show with Peter Scolari”

Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer furiously scrambling to a podium to declare the Epstein stuff a “distraction” because they think they finally have Trump on the ropes with the affordability stuff

Man, it’s pretty crazy that a pedophile led a coup against the United States of America and Merrick Garland was just all “We’ll let the people decide”

We reached death-cult status long ago

Crows can have little a salami. As a treat

Dear Mr. President, there are too many Nazis in American politics these days. Please eliminate all of them. I am NOT a crackpot.

The President of the United States has too much diarrhea

I’ve been working on the diarrhea plane story for months and he just…tweets it out

Never forget when Stephen Miller went on the television with spray painted on hair

Me reading anything on my phone at the age of 49

We need to resurrect the Ernest Saves franchise so he can be part of the Mr Bean-verse

They should cancel the festival and just let Todd Barry do an hour of crowd work in Riyadh. For peace

Adomian doing Žižek might be too nigh for me to handle

Tylenol about to become the 51st state

Everyone thinks it’s the groypers except MAGA (who know but that don’t sell)

Me after a long day at the jaw clenching factory

Their Satanic Majesties Request is good, actually