It's like I've always said, rapists hate whistles.

Nothing but silence from all the ammosexuals wandering through Targets and Subways with fists full of AR-15s this weekend.

Having a puff and scrolling through those weird AI videos that Snoop Dogg posts. Pretty soon, it started to feel like a challenge… When I woke up I couldn’t remember my name for a week.

Heads up. ❄️

let's talk about sticks baby let's break em right off a tree let's talk albout all the throwing and the fetching that could be

They at least had the decency to keep Reagan off camera as much as possible when he went all jelly beans…

My dog is every Bears fan right now.

MAGA me harder, daddy. 😎

Is Don’t Call the Pardoned Traitors, Traitors, on Traitor Day over with yet?

Proud RADICAL LEFTIST SCUM reporting for duty 😎🇺🇸 #radicalleftistscum

ME: it’s boxing day SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT: oh shit oh fuck

Everything is better with Snoop Dogg, but maybe I wouldn’t have ended on White Christmas 🤷‍♂️

That’s now 46 consecutive Christmas mornings without the Millennium Falcon I asked for when I was 5. Thanks, Santa.

It’s already half past Hans Gruber. Better get the kids in bed and leave a pack of cigarettes for John McClane before he crawls out of the ventilation.

It’s giving human yule log.

Let me make sure I understand this: The President of the United States can shit on the grave of an American icon and one of the great filmmakers of our lifetime, but woe be to anyone who mentions Charlie fuckin Kirk? So much greatness again, America.

This is the Nakatomi Plaza I will die on.

Religion is what happens when mansplaining gets out of control.

Carolers always singing about infants so tender and mild like “I want my messiah falling off the bone, but not too spicy OK? Maybe like a honey bbq savior? I can’t handle a hot and spicy son of god.”

We need a better term for depression. That’s played out. I suggest the Noble Sorrow™️

my town had to cancel our annual christmas parade over the threat of ICE raids. but sure, libs killed christmas

I can’t be the only dude scrolling their feed thinking “What the f**k is a Bogg Bag?”

I need to check my meds… do I actually agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene?? 👀

what if we just kept Mamdani in the oval office? like as a field trip chaperone??

Trump has flipped and now wants the files released. So any minute now the White House will announce that the Epstein Files hung themselves in their own cell while the cameras were rebooting.

I was not emotionally prepared for the Ozzy: No Escape From Now documentary. I am still not emotionally prepared. #OzzyForever

Day 2 of the wife being out of town for work. The dog now suspects foul play.

A Trump supporter called me an asshole at the No Kings rally today. To which I joyously replied, “Sir, I am God’s greatest ASSHOLE, and THIS is the single purpose I was placed on earth for!” 😎

Oh, the night is young? The night is ancient, dark, and merciless, but sure order another round, Tyler

The stuff I post isn’t factual like Gravity or The Earth Is Round are “factual”. They’re factual like the Violent Left and the Tooth Fairy are “factual”.

“prove me wrong” no i will not be participating in that. you made a bullshit claim and i will be going about my day in reality

MAGA proving there’s already too many damn crackers in that barrel.

OH MY GOD BECKY

The long, dark, Where’s Waldo of the American Soul.

Never / Was The only “supes” to get second billing on his own show. I hope you still send Teri Hatcher a gift basket every time someone mentions your name.

If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 15 miles to the

WIFE: for Halloween we should go as the Coldplay Kiss-Cam Couple. ME: babe, you don’t have to wait for a holiday to be ashamed of being seen with me.

Still a 🚩

Watching my cousin’s kids this week, they’re 7 and 11. Do kids smoke menthols or unfiltered these days?

“NOW IS THE TIME FOR PEACE!” Posts madman that just bombed the living shit out of Iran from a golf course to kick off summer ☀️💣💥☮️

Chuck Schumer’s response is going to be SO STRONGLY WORDED

Liberate from who?? You’re the one invading!

WHAT? That’s the type of crazy talk you would only expect from someone who had been replaced by a damn robot! Wait…

You want all the smoke? You bout to catch this conclave, son.

[to the tune of 𝘐 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘧] 🎵 I paid the tariff But I couldn’t buy necessities. Oh my oh 🎵 I paid the tariff But I did not find no breakfast tea. Oh no oh 🎵 I paid the tariff But I could not score no celery. Ooh, ooh, ooh 🎵 I paid the tariff But the prices nearly buried me. Oh my oh

HEY!! That’s going too far! You don’t need to waste those bullets.

I didn’t know jettisoning pop stars into space was an option. We need to start a list.

Gotta get me some Pedro-pods. Cause I’m perfect. And I want some of whatever that is he’s on.

Make Good Trouble. Hope you had an eventful weekend, bsky.