Financially, I’m basically Spirit Airlines. Emotionally, I’m JetBlue. Physically, I’m kinda like the hot food bar at the Alaska Lounge.

You show your butthole at work ONE TIME, and now you’re THAT guy.

complaining about everything but sipping boba while I do it

Some of you are definitely the type to use your turning signal when leaving your driveway

when I asked you to send pics, I meant of your lunch. Please unblock me.

Oh, you need to recline your seat on a 50-minute flight? OK, I need to breathe heavily into your ear for 50 minutes because it’s now two inches away.

Financially, I’m basically Spirit Airlines. Emotionally, I’m JetBlue. Physically, I’m kinda like the hot food bar at the Alaska Lounge.

Just know that at least I think you seem cool when your $500 subwoofer makes your 2004 Nissan Maxima rattle like it’s going to fall apart.

To put it simply, I’m having a wonderful Christmas time.

Live wrong and prosper

🎶I saw mommy fisting Santa Claus.🎶

My demons say hello.

🎶20, 20, 24 hours to go, I wanna be fellated.🎶

Have you ever tried not giving a fuck?

Don’t mix Mr. Pibb and rum unless you really love cough syrup.

The best description of the vibe I bring to any function is “early 1989 East Berlin.”

I wonder if people who post their gym selfie for their dating profile pic know I don’t care

Eating my yearly McRib with a knife and fork because I’m a classy bitch

You said Heimlich maneuver? Not hind lick maneuver? I’m so sorry for this misunderstanding. I owe several people apology cards.

“It’s okay to feel regret.” - Me, consoling my new followers.

Walked in on my cat using the litter box and got the meanest stank face from her Oh, it’s only okay when YOU do it

as a friend, I'd love to see your thirst trap

No, mega corporation, I don’t want to round up to donate. I want you to round up to donate.

If you’re cold, I’m cold. Bring me a side of mashed potatoes and gravy

My party trick is not showing up

3 followers away from 3k. This suspense is killing me. Is this edging?

*having an existential crisis* AM I EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE

Wanna know something terrifying? The people you see on the internet are all around you in the outside world.

🎶you ain’t nothing but a corn dog🎶

Nobody said you had to wear pants to do dishes.

The game Wheres Waldo, but you just leave him hiding and go to the bar with his wife.

You show me mine and I’ll show you yours.

Diarrhea would make a beautiful name for a baby girl.

Would a book about sandpaper be considered a rough draft?

It’s remarkable how quickly I forget and stop believing after listening to “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

I’ve actually been craving 3D-printed chicken soup.

Poultrygeist is too a thing.

Awkward Typos: I beg your hardon?

Does my cat sing Fugazi in his head while waiting for me to feed him? Why hasn't science answered this question?

Eat me like one of your French cheeses.

why wait until january to start your resolutions when you could start now and give up well before the ball drops

Die a ghoster or live to be the ghostee

You don't truly appreciate magnetic fridge notepads until you're in your forties

Don’t wait for Festivus. Air your grievances now and save money on buying gifts for family members you don’t like!

Thanks for calling. Contact me on Bluesky at the beep.

no one likes someone stuck in the past stop bitching about today and start bitching about tomorrow

Goods is too modest. They should be called baked greats.