No, I do not have two…yes, they’re both sausage rolls from Greggs in my pockets. Stop looking at me like that.

bringing anti-knife spray to a knife fight

“I’ve got a cheesy gordita you can crunch…” - Me, flirting with the Taco Bell app.

Indiana feels to Chicago the way New Jersey feels to New York. I can’t explain it, but it’s the vibe I get.

i should do a podcast of just me talking to cats

Indiana feels to Chicago the way New Jersey feels to New York. I can’t explain it, but it’s the vibe I get.

A line of generators called Kendall Jennerator. You’re welcome.

You ever have a brief internal debate about whether or not the i or e comes first in wiener?

I deserve this cold pizza for waking up and going to work at 4am.

Can we share voice messages yet? I just received a really fun phone complaint at work. You guys would love it.

445am. Awake and starting to question all of my life choices. Why don’t I value sleep more?

I’ve got 99 problems, but they’re all how tired I am.

Now I’m at the footballs or soccers or whatever you call it. This is too much sports. I’m not sporty.

*replaces all your eggs w cadbury cream eggs* bc evil

Is it weird to assume you have one follower with 3,366 alt accounts?

I’m going to briehab. I’m finally gonna get my soft cheese addiction under control.

did you know you can buy easter candy and eat it right now? no one can stop you

At least I make myself laugh

You ever dislocate both of your shoulders trying to take off a sweatshirt in a middle seat in economy?

A screen protector where you cant see what’s on your own phone, but everyone else can.

Remember the good old days? When we were happy and flying not in a middle seat in economy? I ‘member.

Middle seat in economy again. I earned the Red Bull and giant thing of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that I just bought for $30 and a kidney.

When I get to 69K followers I’ll be retiring and deleting this app.

Some guy in line for a bagel at the admirals club has a workout going on his Apple Watch. I think I actually work out way more than I give myself credit for.

If you need me, I’m napping in the admirals club, looking and feeling like a legit unhoused sir.

Tattoo Idea: Taco Bell hot sauce packet on your bicep that shoots out hot sauce when you flex.

The bad luck continues. I lost the drawstring on my running shorts. Good news though, I’m perpetually aroused and that should hold them up.

Good morning. Last night was horrifying. Let’s not do that again. I’m sorry I ever doubted you Friday the 13th.

I'm so hot even life gets hard for me

Tattoo Idea: Taco Bell hot sauce packet on your bicep that shoots out hot sauce when you flex.

Autocorrect changing hope to hoe

Okay Arizona, can I get like a ten minute break from the awful country songs? Please? Sincerely, Sweaty and Irritated

Update: At the baseball. The NutSacramento Athletics are playing the San Diego Padres. I have beer. Still sweating hard.

they need to invent more food that can fit into pockets

Update: I’ve been in Phoenix for about two hours and coincidentally have been sweating for about two hours.

“Omaha? More like Blowmahog…” - Me, losing the respect of the gate agent working the Omaha flight.

Got a middle seat in economy in case you were wondering how down to earth I am.

The wall at Sacramento Airport says “welcome to sac town.” I laughed.

shouldn’t it be Ryan Goose by now?

Got a middle seat in economy in case you were wondering how down to earth I am.

The wall at Sacramento Airport says “welcome to sac town.” I laughed.

Manhattan is named after a guy who got a hat tan there. Don’t fact check this, just enjoy it.

you miss 100% of the bajas you don’t blast

Say the thing. Make it awkward. Why the hell not

It’s cute you think the disco is the only place I panic