I could be meaner

Rise and grind. Wake up and sigh. Same difference.

I wore Dickies pants yesterday to bring the pop punk even harder.

I just looked in the safety information card for the alcohol selection. Yes, I fly about 100 times per year.

If you need me, I’ll be skateboarding around Portland listening to crappy pop punk songs. Don’t need me, I set my status to busy on Teams.

7am. Ran to my plane’s gate. I think that’s enough cardio for today.

Some people on here have strong opinions about going to certain sporting events. Please forgive this confused European.

Today’s installment of California Winter entails me wearing a jacket, immediately regretting it, and now carrying it around like a sad little security blanket.

let's make this patrick mahouse a patrick mahomes

May I lick that?

fuck bangers. i'd be happy not embarrassing myself.

Seasonal depression, but all of the seasons.

Breakfast is a state of mind

Does everyone have that one baking sheet that looks like it just got out of Rikers after a 30 year stint or is that just me?

are there new bad things currently happening that people are reacting to or is it just the baseline bad stuff

Poll: Can a breakfast burrito be a light mid-afternoon snack? Yes or no?

If I ever ask you if you’re okay, it’s because I want you to say yes and explain what that feels like to me.

Sometimes I can’t spill the tea because it’s in the form of a $6 London Fog Latte. This is one of those times, sorry.

The human body being made up of 60% water implies that the other 40% is made up of disappointment.

Really? Live skeeting? This might be too far.

I love Disneyland because it reminds me that joy exists, and most surfaces are awkwardly sticky.

Have you ever eaten a pound of Fettuccine Alfredo at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport? I have. This is not a flex. I’m not proud of this.

You can’t teach an old trick new dogs.

The existence of a Good Charlotte implies the existence of a better band

I never apologized for completely bricking my parents’ computer with LimeWire, and honestly that guilt still follows me.

Get a load of these silly mf’ers and let’s all waste hump day laughing Instead of working. Shit posters of the world UNITE! ✊✌️

My Therapist: *Turns around iPad* Its just gonna ask you a quick question. Me: You’re my therapist, I pay you $300 an hour.

i am doing everything in my power to avoid doing things i need to do, i need someone to manage me.

My alias is Pelvis Costello.

*Stands at the front of the communion line yelling “vampire” at everyone that drinks the wine.*

I will find you, and I will unfollow you…if you unfollowed me first.

more boobs less facism

Just thought of a fun icebreaker activity. Describe your genitals in 3 words.

Ranch is the secret sixth mother sauce. I speak French, just trust me.

Hello? Is anyone in here?

The irony of almost being run over by a Red Cross van while walking to a train station.

Cool post-merger name idea for Allegiant Air and Sun Country Airlines… Allegiant Cunt Airlines. You’re welcome.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a hipster. Wait, is this what a hipster would say?

I think I like you too much. Blocked.

It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

Have you tried eating a chicken tender about it?

ICE agents like their steak well done and smothered in A1.

I’m fine.* *A common lie that I tell strangers on the internet.

Is that a #2 pencil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Sorry y’all, I paid attention in history class. I’ve got a pretty good idea of how this all ends.

it is my dream to live in a country where carrying a gun around in public makes you a huge pussy

Hung like a field mouse? Try getting a lifted pickup truck…

flirt with me like you want us to co-sign a lease we'll both regret

“always a bridesmaid never a bride” is advice, not a complaint

I just spent $21 on a sandwich because I have accepted home ownership is out of my reach.