Just FYI- I’m all the way back in economy sest 15D and didn’t even have time to visit the lounge before running to my gate. See, I can be down to earth…

I’m lonely. Starter pack me, daddy.

You ever eat Ritz crackers shirtless with a hairy chest? It’s a really delicious nightmare.

I feel better now.

You ever eat Ritz crackers shirtless with a hairy chest? It’s a really delicious nightmare.

Ohio Primaries would be a good name for an emo band.

If I can see my neighbor’s clothesline from my window, am I legally required to tell them they have zero fashion sense?

Hantavirus sounds like something you get from having sex with ghosts

Oh no! A political account blocked me! Will I survive this disappointment?!

Me: *Gets in tractor.* *Morgan Wallen starts playing mysteriously.* Me: What the fuck is this shit? I’m going home early.

Exposing my wood.

Just accidentally choked myself while massaging my own neck because I’m old. Guess I’m kinda turned on now too…

I’m going to pick up coffee. Anyone want anything?

*Je prends un hot dog* Si tu veux, je peux te le mettre dans la bouche. See, French is so romantic…

Goodnight everyone. If y’all could just do me a favor and make my notifications thing have whatever is the highest number it goes to with the plus sign after, I’d appreciate it. Thanks. Sleep well.

the met gala is just halloween for rich people

Had a sausage roll for lunch and now I’m watching Still Game. Yes, yes, I am not actually Scottish…

Lining my pockets and purse with tinfoil so I can steal all the Swedish meatballs at ikea

Yes, I will unfollow you back.

I don’t know if any of you need to hear this, but we don’t think you’re cool.

Sad to hear about Spirit Airlines. I only flew with them once, but it was $17 each way to Vegas, and my seat came with a half-eaten sandwich in it. You can’t beat that.

A scary looking spider has taken up residence in the light bar on my work vehicle. I may have no other option than to retire twenty years early.

Pickleball! At The Old Folks Home

A nightclub geared towards millennials called Bag of Dinks.

Mean Pockets: Lean Pockets didn’t work, so these ones just shame you until you don’t want to eat anymore.

Mean Pockets: Lean Pockets didn’t work, so these ones just shame you until you don’t want to eat anymore.

I loved watching a bad baseball team barely beat a worse baseball team twice in one day. Go Giants! Sports!!!

the key to being cool is never doing anything relatable ever

A submarine called the USS Subskeet.

We’re all still here? We haven’t given up on this yet? Well, good morning then.

I like to think of myself as more of a reply-all guy. Basically, just all of my posts. I’m too lazy to single anyone out. Sorry.

Have you ever tried being over 30? Don’t recommend it.

A nightclub geared towards millennials called Bag of Dinks.

Wine train, but don’t bother with the train.

This Costco hot dog is the male role model I so desperately need.

Who here validates parking? I want to leave.

I couldn’t tell you what ube is, but I know it’s purple and super hip.

A tongue not unlike a random orbital sander.

British friends, who should I reach out to if my Nando’s wasn’t cheeky enough?

oh fuck, i’m gonna repost you so hard🫦

Young Child: Why are the park rangers screaming Boston by Augustana in their truck? Parent: Because they’re paid in sunrises and sunsets. Be nice to them.

Panic! at the Daiso

Car: *gas light comes on* Me: How serious are you right now? Car: *stops*

hamburger: i don’t need you i don’t need anybody hamburger helper: you don’t mean that