A French manicure is basically a French dip but with your fingers. You’re welcome.

Intoxicated! At the World Cup

Intoxicated! At the World Cup

Bluesky would be way better on an old school Blackberry phone.

California Dreamin’: Woke up to a crazy person screaming outside my window.

What doth it do, fucksticks?

What doth it do, fucksticks?

2 Girls 1 World Cup

Me: *Changes cats litter.* Cat: *Instantly drops a nuke.*

It’s starter pack Wednesday! (according to me) Follow these accounts or suffer the consequences (a joyless life) go.bsky.app/NqK4crn

Me: *Changes cats litter.* Cat: *Instantly drops a nuke.*

2 Girls 1 World Cup

Go Austria!!! Go sports!!!

I’m currently inside of the worlds cup.

Did you know the World Cup has been protecting dudes’ nuts for almost a hundred years? Since 1930 to be exact.

Did you know the World Cup has been protecting dudes’ nuts for almost a hundred years? Since 1930 to be exact.

An Iced Banana Protein Cream Matcha? Just call it a cold cumshot, Starbucks…

ME: this is where the magic happens *opens my car where I regularly eat a bucket of fried chicken on my lunch break while in tears*

Your Mom doesn’t like soccer because she heard it’s against the rules to touch the balls

5am. Just kept an inappropriate reply to myself. Killing it so far today.

"PUT IT DOWN." (me, to absolutely everyone, at the ska show)

Eat a bag of certified organic, free-range dicks.

My cats speak French, so don’t bother saying “pspsps” to them. It won’t work.

My cats speak French, so don’t bother saying “pspsps” to them. It won’t work.

Eat a bag of certified organic, free-range dicks.

THEM: YOLO ME: you promise?

Been there, did nothing.

This email could’ve been anything else that didn’t require me to clean the pizza grease off my hands and pick up my phone.

my bank app says state laws require that i verify my identity and i’m like “wait, you weren’t already doing that?”

FYI

Me: *Wakes up, goes down stairs, starts laundry, makes coffee, does the dishes, and even goes for a small jog around the back yard.* Apple Watch: Almost there! Keep moving for one minute to make progress towards your stand goal.

*Flies to NY and asks every NYPD officer if they’re the one from NYPD Blue.*

*Flies to NY and asks every NYPD officer if they’re the one from NYPD Blue.*

Me: *Wakes up, goes down stairs, starts laundry, makes coffee, does the dishes, and even goes for a small jog around the back yard.* Apple Watch: Almost there! Keep moving for one minute to make progress towards your stand goal.

Monday again? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 1,860 times, shame on me for continuing to act surprised every single week.

I can’t fix stupid. However, I did cancel my Giants season ticket package for next year after the homophobic bullshit we had to witness on Friday and then the non-apology from the team to follow it. You can have your dumb opinion, but I’m not fucking paying for it.

A T-shirt cannon would improve morale here.

2 in the Pink, 1 in the Floyd.

The higher the ponytail, the more likely she is to stab you.

I had group chats in my head long before Bluesky thought of it.

the real group chat is the group chats we Irish goodbyed along the way

I like to think I’m in a group chat with all 3.4k of you. You just can’t really respond properly and have to listen to my dumb ideas over and over.

Starting a ska band with a herd of geese as the horn section.