Doesn’t everyone do this for fun? This is just part of my nightly routine 😁

I just showered with a lady(bug)

goodnight. if you miss me, try lucid dreaming.

Saying stupid shit on the internet hasn't fixed me yet, but mama didn't raise no quitter.

Just documenting my mood swings here.

me to my bathroom mirror: shoveling an entire handful of reese’s pieces into your mouth does not diminish your sex appeal

Oh the naps I want to take with you..tired sext.

Me and my unrequited lust need a cold shower. 😆

this website truly is full of wackos

She’s a 10, no buts

There’s a new pink Swiffer stick in case any of you guys are looking for a Christmas present idea for that special lady in your life.

I don't have much to say but I say it with great stupidity

Them: How do you keep your composure Me: I’m dead inside

I wish anyone looked at me the way my dog looks at the UPS guy.

the wind kissing the leaves as they dance down the sidewalk

Just back that thang up and lemme give it a squeezin'.

i don’t think before i speak so honestly i’m just as surprised as everyone else by whatever i say

Starter pack me, daddy.

Make sure you regret it by doing it again.

Have you ever tried sex? It’s kinda fun.

If I get to 5k I'm changing my profile picture to me in my favorite merkin riding bareback on a unicorn

I can't calm my tits because that's where I store my whimsy

If I rebrand my lovehandles as Sex Grips™️, that makes em more palatable right?

I don’t know how to play it cool. I simply can’t stop being obnoxious

I was finally able to resume curls during today’s workout after injuring my shoulder weeks ago. I had to use reduced weight, but still. I am hopeful!

Queen of leaving the one comment on a post that doesn’t get a like

it’s kinda weird how often I fuck up swallowing beverages, jeez

a lot of my problems could be fixed by being fucked into oblivion

melancholy and the infinite madness

Body count? Lays or murders?

Tell me all of your favourite lyrics so I can know your soul better

Sundays are for gray sweatpants and warm snuggles

I may not be the easiest person to love, but my feelings are honest, and when I give my heart, I give it completely….

keeping things fresh by making dolphins noises in the boudoir

hold on is everyone dating what the hell

Me? I’m chillin and appreciating your ass on a spiritual level.

be the catastrophic meteor you hope to see in the sky

An insatiable hunger for thirst

If you can make their heart flutter & their nether regions tingle, you’re on the right track

Chic-a-cherry cola.

Me on a date: I can point out all the brightest constellations in the northern hemisphere’s sky *slow wink*

Sorry, the clown nose stays on during sex *honk honk*

Him: Hey baby do the drapes match the carpet? Me: Oh yes. I had my bedroom professionally decorated

Pull my tail

You haven't been reposting me. Is everything okay?

If by housebroken, you mean I’ve broken everything in my house, then sure.

did so much today and now at 4.41pm realising i only had one cup of coffee all day and it's too late to have anymore coffee so i will sit here and lament the coffees that never were please respect my privacy during this devastating time

I'm just smart enough to know I'm kind of a dumb ass.

i think pinhead’s acupuncturist got a little carried away but that’s just me.