🎶Don't let the sun go down at 3🎶

He’s a 10 but he’s not into me

She said she was leaving me for someone less toxically positive. Everything happens for a reason!

No gal’s been able to lasso this old bachelor yet. I’d like to see them try! I would like that so much. Even just once.

Pretty sure we're in the end times because for the first time since she entered the teen years, a warm jacket that my daughter actually likes exists

you know, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to ease off on my drinking if the world would ease off on *gestures at everything*

Eating extra fiber to help my shitposts flow more smoothly

Getting ready to go see if that chump Guy Smiley has my money

Part of my sexy allure is flopping onto the tall bed like a dead fish and immediately snoring loudly... Line forms to the left, gentlemen

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

I left a hotdog in your mailbox, please respond.

Girl i wanna motorboat your personality

“0% woke shit” a black man with a physical disability leads an environmental terrorist cell trying to save the planet from mega-billionaires and you play as a cross dressing twink femdomed by two different women ending and the final boss against the gayest angel of all time

Happy los day to those who celebrate

starving myself all day so i can eat my weight in deep dish pizza later

Wait, don't go. I can fuck it up more

I get it. Bluesky decided today is No Fun Friday. Well, I'll just pack up my HILARIOUS SKEETS and take then to your mom's place.

the best thing about a Fleshlight is it doesn't cut your dick up like a real flashlight

I'm like if an old man was a middle aged woman

That's why I swallow

"Heart-shaped..." 🤔

I don't want to "update my skincare routine", I want to drag wayward sailors beneath the waves

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

All the beauty and wonder of a flaming dumpster.

Nothing good ever happens when I'm vertical.

Time to rise & whine

"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

Suddenly empowered to really focus on ruining more things. Game changer.

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

Fuck I hope they do an Ishtar reboot.

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.

Every day is leg day when you're a centipede.

three seasons in and Ted still hasn’t used a lasso wtf

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

anyone wanna get hogged up and porked down

i was a regifted child

My jowls are especially radiant this morning.

Imagine hating me and I’m over here covered in glue and rhinestones

internal monologue but it’s just constant screaming

The Muppet Eyes Wide Shut party was not quite what Elmo's cousin Jeff thought it would be and he's having second thoughts.

na-mole-ste

"Nobody is really who they say they are online" I can assure you that I really am like this

Give it to me, baby [me when I take candy from a baby]

i will find you in every life (threatening)

You should hear the stuff I DON'T tell you people. 😋

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

I’m bringing sexy back but it’s just my fupa

My brain’s joyriding this body like it stole it from a science experiment.

@gregthemiller.bsky.social cute as a kitten