Move along darling I'm not the nightmare you're looking for..

My raptor ruptured my rapture.

The undertow is underrated.

Oh yeah? Rapture this! *points to my butt

Autumnal is just fun to say

going off the deep end with both hands in my hoodie

[naked and stuck like a helium balloon against the Home Depot ceiling during The Rapture]

I'm leaving you and I'm taking the labubus

Me, sliding up next to you in the cantina on Tatooine: You know, technically it's not even a star. Really it should be called the Death Hypermatter Reactor.

I’m getting a Brazilian tomorrow so I’ll be hairless for the rapture like Jesus intended

I’m going to have to throw away all these Antifa business cards aren’t I?

life after death? you mean this shit continues???

Shoplifting from the boyfriend store —-> stealing someone’s boyfriend

act like no god is watching

billionaire is short for williamionaire

Dress for the job you want (horseman of the apocalypse) not the job you have (petting zoo attendant)

Earth, Wind & Fire came on while I was in the shower last night so I got out and put my panties on just so I could drop them

*mutes the word rapture because I’m not getting my hopes up again*

I won't know if the rapture happens because I have you all muted

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one

I have questions: Is Santa finally bringing me my veloci-rapture? AND Do I have to leave out cookies again?

The biggest tease of all time is Raiders of the Lost Ark making me wish for a death ray that instantly turns all nearby Nazis into liquid fire

my favorite subgenre of Halloween decoration is “skeleton of things that absolutely do not have skeletons”

STEPHEN MILLER: you have no idea what you have awakened. we will save the West. we will turn darkness into light. we will rise like a phoenix from the pit of fire and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS GAME TABLE: ROLL THE FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Nihilist Borg all, “Existence is futile.”

Does anyone know in Tuesday's Rapture if these folks get lifted right out of their cars or if the vehicles ascend with them? This is my first Rapture and I'm trying to plan my commute.

shit is getting scary out here

Every year blueberries get a little bigger. I hope I live to see blueberries the size of a plum.

Strippers aren't good enough for my party. I need the strippest.

It’s all been downhill since we lost Alex Trebek

Idk, seems unseemly.

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

Fourth Date Idea: You tell me this isn't working. We hug one last time. You then back over me repeatedly with your 2015 Kia Sportage

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

This is my fault.

warding off evil spirits with a vat of queso dip

Don't do it

it was whatever

How much dick do you plan to take before admitting we’re getting fucked?

i will not rest until a tshirt blurb can explain my personality

Just because it wasn’t funny doesn’t mean I wasn’t joking

I might need legal advice here, but here's the skinny: The monkeys flung poo, and I flung my own back. Was I in the wrong?

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE TERROR OF BEING ALIVE

Yelling "Hey wait for me!" In public. To no one. Just to feel included.

You're the beige of personalities..flirting.

everyone's talking about the rapture. is it scheduled? I sure hope so, I need a job and you folks are no-offense cramming up the queues.

"yeah, they get it..."

You wake up in your nest. It was all a dream; you have no idea what a “shitpost” is. As the concept of a “banger” fades from your mind, you look at your brood mate. It's 150,000 BC; you're a Silurian Lizard Person. It's time to build the pyramids.

I did this once. And the neighbors called the cops on me.

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one