I believe in the sanctity of marriage but I would participate in a threesome if there was a clone of me or my wife.

I love playing the bluesky guessing game of: “is this unhinged behavior due to pot, alcohol, or mental illness?”

All my new hairs are coming in as pine needles.

As Bruce Lee once said: you must hit your opponent in traffic before they do

I’m not playing hard to get, I have ADHD

I'm gonna go to my dad's house and be noticeably uninterested any time he talks about his interests, just like he did for me when I was a kid ❤️

I'm a really hot psychic. You could say I'm psychotic.

yeah i got that dog in me

Starting cold turkey just to have something I won't feel bad about quitting

I asked my wife how long she gives a book to get interesting before she stops reading, and she said, "I do not stop. I refuse to let the book win. I read to the end. I kill it." Pretty much what I've come to expect from her, to be honest.

Listening to French bardcore covers of popular songs and playing video games I'm never gonna beat the allegations of being a big fucking dork at this rate

tissues is short for trust issues

I ate salmon and green beans for dinner like some kind of healthy person

i took a British guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

if you’re not disappointed 100% of the time you’re not trying hard enough

i like when they hit the ball with their heads like human-shaped goats

The Seven Social Sins are: Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character. Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle. -Frederick Lewis Donaldson in Westminster Abbey, London, on March 20, 1925

More 10-year-olds say they want puppies than parents do. What's behind the divide?

I'd like to experience a season of life that isn't trying to build my character.

Hear me out; a push up bra, but for my life.

Happy Juneteenth, frens!

[my cat gets his claw stuck in my clothes] 🎶 I'm hooked on a feline 🎶 🎶 I'm high on believine 🎶 🎶 That your claw's stuck in meee 🎶

Hey good looking, what you got cooking? Oh shit, yeah, that's meth.

[my cat gets his claw stuck in my clothes] 🎶 I'm hooked on a feline 🎶 🎶 I'm high on believine 🎶 🎶 That your claw's stuck in meee 🎶

A reminder for Thursday: It's stability, Not stab-ability. Don't forget.

The color of the sky in Seattle is dark pastel blue #7699d5

[seeing one of my reply guys reply guying on someone else’s post] wow I thought what we had was special

commenting “*you’re” on a post that doesn’t have any version of it in it

GIRLFRIEND: So what your go-to at karaoke? ME: I always sing Like A Virgin MY BULLY, TREVOR (age 10): Well obviously, but what song do you pick?

You’re the love of my life, you stupid motherfucker.

Let's all go to the public pool Let's all go to the public pool Let's all go to the public pool To get ourselves some kind of mutant leech

I was scrolling too fast and misread "couch" as "crotch" but either way, count me in

"AI is bad" "AI is good" Either way, I'm determined to give it a full-on existential crisis as soon as it's aware enough

Oh shit

cloud report

I yelled at one of my hallucinations to get her flashlight out of my face, but then I realized it was my reading lamp and now I feel bad.

AMERICA: we are a Christian nation ME: [recalling all the war, rape, slavery, murder, and genocide in the Bible] you know it

chairman of the board

You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken is done.

The older I get, the more I understand why cats just walk away mid-conversation

LEAN INTO YOUR NONSENSE

I'd like my obituary to include a scavenger hunt to find my body

I have never once in my entire life taken a tasteful nude. I just do not have the body for that kinda thing.

The world is run by people who don’t listen to the lyrics

putting heart stickers on people who talk to me irl and then walking away

imagine not liking me when all I’m doing is sitting here being unlikable

Sorry i'm late i was in the back yard teaching the Raccoons to square dance