Hard to ignore the racism on the right when they insisted on a Whites Only halftime show.

My body is a finely tuned instrument and that instrument is a Muppaphone.

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

Avery Mann, 35, who sources claim learned the aforementioned lesson “the hard way”, is said to have purchased the cursed product in a subsequently failed bid to feel like an ancient Egyptian queen. Full orifice-clogging article on Patreon: www.patreon.com/posts/149159...

guy who gets off on making women feel safe and valued

whoa, I keep finding free Raisinets on this deer path!

when i was a 16yo girl i thought i was an adult. coaching 12-17yo girls as a 28yo really hammered home how much i was wrong about being an adult at 16 and how obvious it is to actual adults that a 16yo is not an adult. if they say they cannot tell they are lying because they are a creep.

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

my posts read best with a jazzy baseline playing in the background

Well that's great, bitcoin is crashing just as I need to buy some military weapons and drugs.

It's bold how many people assume I mean this in any type of fun way and not in the same way dog demolishes a new toy to rip the squeaker out of it

The work cafeteria got a new type of spoon and I'm excited because it meets my standards

I'm feeling very bitey today

I need to bite someone

My 5,000th follower will win a little kiss on the forehead.

As someone who has more issues than most magazine publishers, my sense of humor is doing a lot of heavy lifting lately

I don't know who in Washington state needs to hear this but it seems to be a lot of people: if you're driving on a 5 lane road with 2 lanes of traffic flowing in either direction and a center turn lane, you don't need to stop for a school bus going the opposite direction as you.

This is what dating me is like

Sex is best when all parties sound like seagulls fighting over a bag of parking lot fries

This post is the GOAT.

A heavily redacted cartoon. My @smh cartoon.

No your honor, don't hold me in contempt, please just hold me

It is very funny that one of the only people, out of thousands of the ultra rich and celebrities who were exposed to Trump and Epstein's pedophilia, who immediately said fuck this and got out of there was the dude from 2 Live Crew

My mother should have shaken me harder

You're wrong. This isn't like Idiocracy. A President Camacho would be a vast improvement.

America hasn't really changed, only your understanding of it. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

Spotted on walk:

Life is difficult when you're a method shitposter

Fit check: Nope, still not

[showing me your skircle] Me: how do you play it? is it like twister?

today in "people it brings me no joy to RT, but he's fucking right":

In the darkest times, may the silliest things amuse you.

Stop using dating apps and just start calling for pizza. Pizza delivery drivers have a car, a job, and pizza. Jackpot

I remember a college professor of mine going on a rant about how the world was owned and ruined by “five old white men on yachts” And I remember thinking, well, it’s probably more that people don’t examine their own actions, it’s not like a couple of people control the world But you know what

it’s not necessarily that all these people in the epstein files participated in the raping of girls it’s that none of them cared and if he hadn’t been arrested and died they’d still be out there trying to be his friend

In other news, I'm happy to say the Coalition of Liches has endorsed me to take care of the local hospital and cemetery where I have assured everyone things will be peaceful and not evil with Zero Percent (0%) necromancy from now on. Not even sure why you brought it up.

getting a twodaloo installed so we can hold hands during our morning poop

Kirk to Transporter Room: Uppies

Also trying to parse all the emails that read like they were written by a concussed golden retriever I think I finally get why these guys are so enthusiastic about getting chatbots to write for them

on the bright side of things, there's maybe next year.

Pretty sure my therapist just muttered “this bitch” under her breath

Whoever decided that Apple Music's "Automix" feature was ready to be shipped needs beaten with a stick. That shit is awful

He's a ten but he make Super Mario sound effects when he enters your warp pipe.

Me and my work bestie are judging you.

hear me out, what about a secret shadowy global cabal but for GOOD

Starting to think there aren't very many good, rich people in the world

The nicest thing you could say, the biggest benefit of any doubt you can give, to what seems like hundreds of people is that, at best, they were super friendly with a man who had already been convicted of trafficking minors. The nicest read is that they are all scumbag, amoral pieces of shit.

Pronouncing “seance” like “fiancé”