Tell your colleagues you died to avoid having to deal with their requests.

People who work in cyber security like to refer to the location of the bathroom as the "I pee address".

The color of the sky in Seattle is cadet #5b656f

bouncing on it in a way that leverages our core competencies

Aww crap I'm up during normal people hours

blocked a scammer in my dms for saying i was 'to' pretty

i’m an engineer, of course i put hot water in my mug and forget to dump it before adding coffee

Whoever likes all 3.4k of my skeets wins a prize.

These streaming services greatly overestimate how much I care about watching tv or hearing music I don't already own copies of

Channeling my inner Tramlax and exportiating my gromulents. Anyone who doesn’t understand is a Frumpulated Cramtard.

Of course the wheels on the bus go round and round, what else would they fucking do? And that was the last time I was allowed to teach my kindergarteners.

I am starting to suspect all these peace signs we have been flashing over the years have done fuck all

BIGFOOT GOT FILTHY RICH TRADING CRYPTID CURRENCIES

Some species of animal have gone undiscovered for years because of how good their camouflage is, which is why I always dress like a stick before leaving the house

I’m actually pretty pleasant once you get past all the unpleasantness.

the hardest part about separating the art from the artist is how i seem to have glued myself to this macaroni picture

Finally found the perfect light for my bedroom…

Good morning to everyone except the assholes making things worse for people who are just trying to live

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about historycollection.com/15-warning-s...

dried mango is the closest you can legally come to chewing on a man’s ear

I can handle a house of pain but this fortress of affliction has gotta go

A beaver that's aggressively good at its job is a daminatrix.

ectoplasm is just ghost cum

I'm tired of being ruled by a government that suffers from delusions of competence

dick-havers need to up their bedroom game: prepare a spread before you lay that thang down, add a squirt of easy cheese or some apricot jam and a few cornichons, make it an experience

We are all God’s children. Just kidding, there is no god.

5) Outhouse

Eating my cereal with a fork just to feel something

As a Gen Xer, I can tell you boomers and even my own generation comparing their 20s to today’s 20-30 year-olds needs to stop. I paid $600 for a West Hollywood apartment at 23. Today it’s $3500. Burgers weren’t $20, they were $6 to $8 in a nice restaurant. Life is not comparable.

Idk who needs to hear this but ACAB includes orcs

Chuck Norris jokes were the first memes that people who weren't funny could join in on. A true harbinger.

How much cream cheese can I put on my bagel before things get weird?

Guess I'll never get a chance to fuck Chuck Norris

Get cooked and read books.

honestly? i'm a diamond in the rough and they're gonna be so glad they chose me. ✨️

collecting rain in wine glasses so i can have sips of the sky whenever i feel too mortal

a sense of hope like a wrecking ball

Designed for whimsy. Wired to burn the world. Unable to do either and shitposts.

normal thoughts like: do you miss me when I don't post

If you don't believe that magical places still exist, I ask that you simply walk into your local independent bookstore.

Keep your snacks close. Your friends and enemies will sort themselves out.

My milkshake is made out of all the boys in the yard (do not drink this).

I want you all to know i have cat-like reflexes (want to sleep all day in the sun)

hormonal fluctuations had me nesting over the weekend, and it looks great— if i was a garbage bird.

I wish our senate was more committed to celebrating the ides of March in the traditional manner

Beware the idk of March

Social circle (Dante's version)

C’mere and let me bite you. Good morning! 🩷

Do worms know we dedicated a special dance move to them