pro tip: drink iced tea immediately before you puke

i get so gay off that tasty bass riff

i get it, i’d block and report me too

guys relax he’s only two years older than my dad

i can feel the meds taking me over the hill and through the woods to candy mountain goodnight bedtime babes honk shnoo mimimi

good architecture makes me so horny

i cannot WAIT to have a good day

hey girl can we share a coffin

update on The Hospital guys i was seen within 30 minutes (which is nice but also Yikes bc that means they thought i was Dying) and doctor man says i’m basically fine and its just a pinched nerve. bad news is it Hurts like Hell and they put me on muscle relaxants and now i can’t operate machinery :(

"AI is making people dumb" It's called bimbofication and it's a perfectly legitimate kink

yall i am In the Hospital

circumcised also known chopped from birth

dont you fucking dare let those people off that boat. i cannot handle two pandemics in one lifetime

i prefer my men with tits tbqh

Wow, I REALLY hate when that happens!

do u think they jorked jesus' peenorts when they crucified him and he went ough

someone shut me up with their balls

gordon ramsey spent all those years yelling at people in restaurants for nothing lmao

sick to think i ever loved him

if that was a pickle, i’d fuck it

if i had nine lives, i’d use twelve of them to blow my head off in front of my ex

anyways life is hard and so is my dick

DAYUM he’s so pretty

"tits or ass?" dude,,, her beautiful smile when i ask her if she's had a great day,,,, ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ass.

martini. cummed in, not stirred.

damn girl, you fart with that ass?

stop stressing you handsome little bitch

✨Lung Transplants by Lola✨

i have lost my cigarettes

hear me out spirit 2.0 in partnership with costco

god forbid i do alcoholism once a month

ok and what if i wanna make bad decisions on a sunday

*pulling the dick out of my mouth* « I just feel like no one really *cares* about me, you know? »

free will is one hell of a thing

sorry for annoying you, you’re just really sexy and i can’t help but want to be a part of alla that

at the missing him so much factory and i just got a raise and unlimited OT

forgot that other people don’t have road safety autism and found out that other people have no idea why the lines are painted different colours

his heart is pure and he’s also a hoe. what could go wrong?

no one talks about the trauma of dumping your entire roster for a man that ended up cheating on you anyways

being gay sounds so chill like just 2 guys being dudes, like thats your roommate. except “bottoms up” has a totally different meaning.

god i want him so bad

i love nautical disasters

you can cancel me but you cannot cancel my love for the moon

deep rooted yearning for a little smoochin

fighting the urge to call him

i am one fuckass situationship away from becoming a nun

thinking back on a situation and being like wow i could have handled that a lot better but it’s too late and ur a dumb bitch. i hate u hindsight fuck u

wow babe tysm for opening the car door for me that’s literally so sweet of u omg. take off ur pants

ur in her DMs, i need to get dicked down fr