Stop saying the US is invading Venezuela for the oil. The US is invading Venezuela for the love of the game

2026 predictions: - Biden dies (old age) - Trump dies (7th assassination attempt) - anti-aging billionaire dies (chokes on a carrott) - Taylor Swift dies (private jet is a boeing) - Drake dies (testicular cancer) - Musk dies (tesla explodes)

it's the war on Christmas and we're bringing democracy to the north pole

maybe the hamburger helper is just dressing for the job he wants

i love dating. i love finding out that i'm not good enough over and over

a dating app where they just mail you some rope

no i love it when you watch my stories but don't text back it's hot

taking fentanyl just so i can touch police officers

BREAKING: my heart

Okay gang, The Onion is 80 sign-ups away from our 60,000th print subscriber. This would put us in contention for the Top 10 most circulated newspapers in the U.S. So! We're giving our 60,000th subscriber a mystery box by our archivist as a nice lil thank you. Sign up now. I'd give it an hour.

a hot guy getting CTE is like a hot girl getting a BBL. stop it, you were already perfect

[texting my sister] ... and is there a mister carriage?

i met with a trauma surgeon but he said he couldn't do anything about my childhood

i need to hire the witch who cursed me because she did a very good job

thank god i'm so lazy. if not i would have killed myself dozens of times by now

a dating app where they just mail you a gun

here for a time

they should make a dating app that works

magazines used to be cool. they used to be about touching girls butts and the desperate attempt to save 33 men trapped underground. now they're only about CEOs and semen retention

they should make ignoring me illegal

excited to announce that i'm dating a professional surfer (couch)

awesome

i can't believe it's already been a month since joe biden passed away

the lion is very concerned with how things seem to be going

but your honor my client was the birthday girl

[dying of a totally preventable disease]... tell my sister i lover her... [cough]... and ... make an ai of me where i have an absolutely huge dumper... m-make that thing hu[cough violently for 30 full seconds]

they leaked an ai video of me as the bottom half of a horse

i'd like to see an ai do THIS [loses hope in an unfathomably new way]

bet he won't even get to Level 2 by the 6th week

is bluesky good yet

woke up in the middle of the night to draw a reverse cowgirl

when you're being nice to me this is who you're being nice to

[replying to my sister's text] ...and is there a mister carriage?

wow i can't believe ghislaine maxwell committed suicide next week

does anyone know anything

it was a complicated 17 hour surgery but they finally managed to separate the art from the artist

hey sorry i'm late for work it's just that i hate my job

2025 predictions: - Biden dies (old age) - Trump dies (7th assassination attempt) - Anti-aging billionaire dies (chokes on a carrot) - Taylor Swift dies (private jet is a boeing) - Drake dies (testicular cancer) - Musk dies (tesla explodes)

i actually read the Odyssey in the original greek. complete waste of time, i have no idea what those symbols mean

thanks to inflation, Subway is now measuring the footlong from the taint

phone, wallet, keys, manifesto

Category is: Snatch the Fed

ron paul's drab show

just invented a thing called a mentaur, it's like a centaur but it's half man half man

[convincing a zoomer to wear a condom] babe you gotta spotify wrap it

a girl gang called the bloods, slogan is "girls who cycle together stay together"

[dating president biden] would you still pardon me if i was a worm

what if that coldplay song was about piss

for whom the doom scrolls