Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

If you’re authentically shy you’re legitimid

Picture me naked! Wrong! There are more police

November 10, 1971, 3:12 am [Nudging wife awake]: someone just named a new baby Walton Goggins

Wanna feel old? 1726 was only 300 years ago

To this day, I’m still proud that I can spell beautiful correctly

If I was in Stranger Things, I would just call Vecna “Veccy,” but pronounced like “Vicky” in a Valley accent. This would really throw him off his game. This type of bullying was on par for the 80s, and known to be effective

Doc Brown: Where we're going, we don't need roads [Later] Marty: This is the train station

Someone commented 'Good ass joke' under one of my posts and my brain immediately went 'Proctlology' and no I don't know why I'm like this either

me, seeing a lady in zumba class who i know from another class but she never makes eye contact & im pretty sure she hates me: *don’t engage don’t engage don’t engage* also me: hi why do you hate me *nailed it*

I've been waxing my car for years, and I still don't know karate

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

Learned all of the music and feelings you should have as a human being just from a television experience so now I know that I am a sad and complete kind of person, I'll take it because it's closing creditsable

imagine making it to the end of 2025 and still thinking you can make change in this world by scolding people on a niche microblogging website

please doctor, it’s his foot. it’s really loose

The person who named the fireplace was just fucken sick of naming things

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations B.C. - before christ A.D. - after dhrist A.M. - after midnight P.M. - pefore midnight

The best part of astronomy is how you can stare at the sky until you are absolutely terrified.

Therapist suggested I needed to work on my anger. He backed down pretty quick. Smart move, doc.

that time of the year of having to leave the house more often, not quite sure of what day it is and being fuelled by leftovers

Everybody's gangster until the end of It's a Wonderful Life

Season's greetings from the sentient sludge at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

A sommelier for medical side effects.

Gingerbread house? You mean impenetrable fortified gingerbread fortress of solitude?

I’m so confused can anyone just tell me if this is a day-drinking day

I SAID YES (he asked if he should fuck off)

In case you're wondering, today is Dayday the twentywhoknows of December and it is a good day.

Sense AND sensibility? In this economy?

a never ending blunt might fix me

crazy that it took billlions of years of evolution for me not to care about podcasts

Remember when Netflix sent DVD’s by mail? That was 100 years ago.

my wife: {giving me chores to do} me: ah, i seem to have incurred zeus’s wrath, earning eternal punishment with these sisyphean tasks. my wife: {still giving me chores to do} me: not since scut farkus got his comeuppance in a christmas story have i been this thrilled to be alive.

Just going to sit here for a minute while everyone else figures out I’m correct.

Jamiroquai is technically a type of Santa. Has a beard. Wears a silly hat. Isn't bound by the conventional laws of physics when traversing his environment.

The most comforting thing about physics is that it explains what you're doing there without all the what am I even doing here

It's 8 o clock somewhere, I say as I open another box of thin mints.

Fingers crossed that there’s a cyber truck with a bow on it in the driveway tomorrow morning.

hate to be a buzzkill but the star you wished upon exploded a billion years ago

me, being rescued after being stranded for two years on mars: thank you guys. it’s so great to see you. rescuer: do you…do you have a mars accent?

*chugging vanilla coffee creamer* i'm good u??

Jeez, Facebook lady doing a full “glow up” reel over cleaned cupholders. Save some happiness for the rest of us.

Tripped over seven’s new wrestling dummy and hit the floor. I turned to seven and said “Wow! He’s really good!”

Things started to unravel when we chose to replace the liberal arts with MMA.

Babe, why are you crying? I thought a stocking full of cough drops would make you happy :'(

here it’s not doomscrolling it’s a cringe binge

Hold on a sec, I've got to hiss at this dumb person attempting to park his car in my corner of the nearly empty lot. Pick another corner, buddy! This one's taken.

pro tip: scams can’t work if you never answer the phone or texts or emails or open the door or get out of bed

I’ve instructed my heirs to go ahead and enough already without me

Me, unable to post a good joke for days: I am shadow banned

a lap dog is just a regular dog that’s really into NASCAR