The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you're good at it or not.

one time i was sitting on a park bench thinking about the arby’s menu & i sat motionless for so long that a bagpiper eventually appeared & began playing amazing grace as an undertaker took my measurements.

I served Greek cheese at dinner. It feta family of four.

[bank teller describing me to the police] He was really out of breath, couldn’t carry a lot of money. Had Shrek stickers on his gun…called it a SHREK-9.

I don’t consider myself indecisive I’ll die on this fence

Kid: Daddy who was Sherlock Holmes' assistant? Me: Watson Him: Who was Sherlock Holmes' assistant? Me: Watson Him: Who was Sherlock Holmes' assistant? Wife: He's never moving out is he?

You can just add "tober" to the end of any word to imply a connection to Halloween. It doesn't have to be a spooky word. You can do Cuddletober. No one's stopping you.

I kissed a grill and I licked it.

What bass is it when you mix up sports/sex format jokes with music ones?

sorry i’m bad with names, whatsyourface

I'm wearing a new perfume today, so I am unstoppable. *walks into a stop sign*

Everyone asks why I take so long to answer the phone but this ringtone is a banger

Typical of Apple to release another iPhone and completely ignore my demands for a wrist-mounted taser.

If trash bags were trash can shaped, we would save 12 hours of hassle a year. That would give us time to pick up more trash.

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here clipping double point coupons to share with you.

Who called it a church collection and not a pay per pew?

All the voices in my head usually come up with a pretty good skeet.

BRB taking ayahuasca before this teams meeting

This bromance is only gonna work if you put in the high-fives, bro.

“i wasn’t raised to be shellfish” - imitation crab

i hate that i feel guilty for taking breaks from news and social media, that i feel like i am missing successive new realities by shutting down and that somehow this makes me a less empathetic person my brain cannot process all the horrors all the time and yet i feel like it is supposed to

the heel is the butt of the foot

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

it’s about to be high skin shedding season in the northern hemisphere so make sure you bring your burlap dead skin sack to all functions

If I graft a toenail onto my forehead it will eventually grow into a horn.

*andy warhol voice* It's nine thirty pm, have you taken your blood pressure medicine?

is it a bird is it a plane is it the loss of my ability to recognize everyday objects

Smashing Pumpkins: the killer in me is the killer in you Me: settle down Dexter

KEN JENNINGS: this is something people love to do at night BABY: *coo noise* KJ: NO, WHAT IS SLEEP YOU LITTLE IDIOT

At the end of any foreboding countdown just say sorry I have to take this and then everything less seriously

[me, narrating a documentary on parrots] Just look at these fucken tropical chickens

I'm no psychic but one time I drove a deck screw through my finger and now I can tell when a frost is coming

fun fact I’m a distant relative of the lord of the dance

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers

My thoughts are in Spanish, but I don't speak Spanish. I never know what I'm thinking.

Why did they call them parishes and not priestincts

Ever try to give gentle sweet pets to a cat and they simply turn around and walk away bc what they were looking for was vigorous butt scratches? That's what it's like to make friends in your 40s

My wife not speaking to me today officially marks the first frost of autumn.

leading prayer at bible study, and casually slipping in that I have a waterbed

Thinking of learning sign language in case I get trapped inside the claw machine again.

having things named after you is awesome unless it’s a mountain pass

A 20 hp boat engine equals 20 horses rowing a boat with their hooves

Put in wood floors and now my dog's name is Daisy Tapdancing Christ

If you love someone, set them free If they make it out of the woods and they aren't feral, you have a keeper

My eye doctor said I was as blind as a bat so my transformation to vampire is imminent

solved or not, every case in the north pole is cold

billionaire is short for williamionaire

[naked and stuck like a helium balloon against the Home Depot ceiling during The Rapture]

Jesus: No one can predict the date of my return. An apostle: Is it September 23, 2025? Jesus: Damnit.