I just told my dog that he’s a good boy, but now he’s hooking me up to a lie detector to make sure.

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

Ever since I decided to never pay for another brake job, I’ve been unstoppable.

It's all those farticles that are left behind.

Detectives refer to the smell of flatulence that lingers after the malodorous offender has snuck away as a “fartifact.”

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. What am I, a bell toller answering service?

Four Scor bars and seven beers ago, my gummy kicked in.

i’m starting to think some of you aren’t playing dumb

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

To the guy in the next bathroom stall who slammed the toilet seat down so loudly it scared the shit out of me, Thank you

Breaking News: Donald Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star has supernova’d and is now transitioning to a black hole swallowing up all matter and light. And now to Chet with the weather.

The Vice President of the United States just called Allstate, McDonald's, Starbucks, Kit Kat, Venmo, JCPenney, Smirnoff, Instacart, AT&T, Impossible Foods, Credit Karma, PetSmart, Chime, and DiGiorno Pizza “revolting.” Man this is one pro-business administration!

I broke bread with my enemy. He got super pissed that I broke the bread. But at least I had purchased the extended warranty first.

Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, post on social media regularly.

Can’t tell if I’m wildly overreacting or wildly underreacting.

We need a middle ground between feckless whining and insane assassinations. How about some good old fashioned boycotts, strikes and protests?! That shit works. Boycotts utilize economic leverage - which is what Trump has used so effectively. Hit ‘em in the wallets! That’s their Achilles heel!

blade runner is my favorite movie about mishandling scissors

BREAKING: Donald Trump Shoots U.S. Constitution in the Middle of Fifth Avenue

“It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere,” I mumble, dousing myself in gasoline.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the gaping maw of shitposting.

So, does being a tech billionaire turn you into a weird Bond villainesque character or do you have to be one first in order to become a tech billionaire.

can we stop talking about the nazi podcaster and go back to the secret pedos now

feeling joy is now a subversive act, don’t let them catch you doing it my friends

That feeling you get when you take the first bite of a pizza. That's doughpamine.

[opening a party invitation from Dr Frankenstein] annnd… it is at build-a-bear. again

Customs at Sydney Airport won't let you enter the country until you read and agree to their list of didgeridoos and didgeri-don'ts.

[open mic night] Mike: I guess my trust issues started when I was a child

My work here is don’t.

Consider the lilies. What a bunch of assholes.

A horse can gallop just a few hours after it's born. It would be cool if humans developed that quickly. A baby pops out and three hours later it’s texting

I am demolishing this 3-year old at Scrabble.

I think many of us on the left took some dark pleasure in Kirk’s demise because they feel the GOP has ripped up law and norms and thus extraordinary measures are merited. Yes BUT not fucking assassination! How about general strikes? Protests? Civil disobedience? We ain’t done shit yet.

Sure it’s an authoritarian coup run by a pack of rabid lobotomized chimps gorging on the fattened calf of inert overworked screen-addled zombies, but this vegan lentil stew is a solid 7 out of 10 so it’s a wash.

He who hesitates uses commas.

Her: No, you hang up Me: Hangs up

let’s flood the house with carbon monoxide, make love, pass out sex-drunk & call it a life

If you have something to say about me, say it to my butthole.

brushing my teeth with a wire brush, just to feel something

The difference: the GOP’s crazies hold the levers of power.

*takes out one earbud* has anyone seen my kids?

When is Marvel gonna make a movie about a real superhero: my Uncle Hubert who used to crush aluminum cans in the middle of the night while weeping loudly and blasting Whitesnake

Sports bras for men called moobtubes

Just once i'd like to see two mimes having a huge argument in a library

wife: why is your new body wash half gone already? me: (eyes go wide) oh you haven’t tasted it; you gotta taste it

Don’t take my friend’s board game collection, they’re all he Hasbro.

America: where people mocking a dead Nazi podcaster suffer more consequences than a pedophile president

I don’t flirt, I just say stupid shit until someone gets a boner about it

Boss: "I need that report by noon." Me: "Consider it done." Boss: "Terrific" [2pm] Boss: "Where the heck is that report?" Me: "Huh? I thought we'd agreed to consider it done."

DONALD TRUMP: 300 million Americans died last year from drugs REPORTER: uhhh DT: oh sorry, my mistake R: oh, whew DT: 300 *billion* Americans died last year from drugs [gives two thumbs up] tremendous

BREAKING: If You Think 88% of America’s Population Died Last Year From Drugs, You Just Might Be on Drugs