ME: okay, how about this: a drama involving a pair of male sheep. we'll call it Bleated Rivalry BOSS: just finish clearing out your desk

mental illness is like Lay's potato chips: I can't have just one

Bad Bunny = frontman Kid Rock = affrontman

Do people who eat cookie dough know that you can just bake that shit and eat an actual cookie?

This Valentine’s Day, I’m loving myself. She better appreciate it. That bitch.

Onward Sister Souljah, marching as to Gwar.

I want Rage Against The Machine for the Super Bowl halftime show next year.

who called him Jeff Bezos and not Lex Loser

imagine sex with me. nope, more shame

thinking about cosplaying as a bear gives me pause. folks,,

Donald Trump is a like a huge zit you can’t pop.

My hair has progressed into 1977 Barry Gibb territory you can tell by the way I use my walk

Me and Harry Dean Stanton figuring things out around the blue fire of pressure-treated wood in a galvy burn barrel

*a gentle breeze carries a napkin with unintelligible scribbles on it out a bus window* “MY OEUVRE!” I cry.

[interrupting my opponent during rap battle] That’s not grammatically correct

Democracy dies in darkness, but the Washington Post dies in broad daylight

When prioritizing beautification, scrotal tucks and breast lifts are the low-hanging fruit.

if a shitpost is posted when no one is awake does it still provide serotonin

I thought I was well hung but it turns out the Mercator Projection fooled me.

I love how in England you can say “cunt” to anyone - a kid, the king, the chancellor of the exchequer - but heaven forbid if you use the wrong fork.

🎶The first time ever I saw your leg off.🎶

Punxsutawney ass bitch, more like.

I had to take the flat earth position in a debate one time. I couldn’t prove it but I did my level best.

*plays Marco Polo in a pool of blood*

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it AMERICA: deal

Greg Bovino pleaded with Donald Trump to let him stay on as Border Patrol commander, but it seems he fell a little short

imagine being so off-putting that even Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein were like “ooh, yeah, you just missed our last invite to Pedophile Island”

High street shops we need: -express haberdashery: Tailor Swift -A beauty salon called Hairy Styles -A proctologist office: Enemamen -An outdoor adventure operator: Just In Timber Lakes -A store that sells shoddy Temu thrill-seeker equipment: Bad Bungee -An exam tutor: Can Ye Test?

Quick point of order: most of America’s founding fathers were here because their forebears were refugees of war or calamity. They were not indigenous to the land, nor were they “documented.” Example: George Washington’s great grandfather was shipwrecked here and stayed.

Turns out Melania is a beard to hide Trump’s secret sexual alignment as a pedo necrophiliac.

Pedos, pedos everywhere, nor any drop of justice. -The Rime of the Ancient Maga Jerk

I wish law enforcement would treat peaceful humanitarian protestors at least as well as they treat serial child rapists who happen to run the most powerful nation on earth.

Bruce Springsteen, latter-day Neil Young, out with an anti-ICE tune just days after their bloody assault reached a climax in Minneapolis. I’m no huge Boss fan but wow he crushed it. Way to go man! open.spotify.com/track/6AtgHx...

Lincoln: This was the single worst theater experience of my life

Hey Trump fuck you and the whores you rode in on. www.thedailybeast.com/melania-doc-...

I don’t know about you chuckleheads but I’ve been making my own gasoline from chardonnay, Morrissey CDs, and tenacity

You wake up one morning and suddenly realize you haven’t tasted an Entenmann’s coffee cake in 30 years.

I’ve been operating under a critical whimsy deficit for a decade now.

The worst thing about scientists moving the hands of the doomsday clock forward is having to adjust the time on the doomsday clock in your car.

Pun intended - because blasting people is what gun groups love most. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and politics make strange bedfellows, but even so, sometime you’re so wrong that even the NRA is like, “Dude, I’m an epic dick, but not THIS fuckin bad.”

The victims are PRETTI and GOOD. The gods are telling us something!

If it walks like a gestapo and talks like a gestapo, duck!

It’s always darkest before the dong.

but what is dusty springfield?

Penis Egregious

They’re called Border Patrol because they border on the fascistic.

What wine pairs with totalitarianism?

this has been a test of the Emergency Procrastination System

The best way to untangle a chainsaw chain is with an Ornette Coleman solo in your heart

We stand with you, Minnesota