Make a band out of two others: Radiohead PE

My terrible typing on mobile and the frustrations i have with swipe typing makes me think that a physical mobile keyboard might work but it’s purely a theoretical idea and also they don’t make them for iphone in a way that interests me

Strom Theremin

The clean plate club is more prestigious than the media would have you know.

“I wonder if this bookstore has a bathroom” Monkey paw finger curls “Oh no i shit my pants”

Abyss my bants

Some posters perspire Some posters inspire

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Lots of moms deserve to have a happy day

I wonder what weird conspiracy will be found when you fold up the trump dollar

Doc Mcstuffins is just making shit up

“You seem down. There’s this great comedy act in town this weekend. It’ll definitely pick you up” Therapist: “what is it?” “It’s me, Pagliacci! I really need to move tickets, Doc. I’m really taking a big hit here”

Leaning towards the camera with sleeves rolled up and a clipboard in hand: Now’s the best time to get a cyber truck because everyone things they’re so shitty. They’re underval… hold on. I’m getting word from the producer

Nic cage voice: i could mow a lawn for hours

Workshopping posts with the family and the most common feedback is “can we eat yet?” Or “you’re blocking the door”. I love them but not the best editors

There’s a theory that the nutrition labels were written long ago when chips much larger roamed the planes. Todays chips are actually pieces of the whole My book has the sacred formula to today’s true serving size Here’s a hint, it’s greater than they’re telling you Reply “ancient chips” for book

Sees two people walking on the sidewalk: “wow, everybody’s out today!”

Yoshi can read!?

Dingus was in the Bible

I wish i could see “tasks” that are “assigned” to team members across Google documents all in one unified view and not just my own. Monkey paw’s finger curls: Slack is adding task management features and mixing those alerts in with your other message notifications

I wish i knew my cat’s actual birthday

Maye Musk out there like, “I’m the mother, the son, and the son’s son”

Taps mic: “so why do they make you wait so long at the doctor’s office?” Audience is silent “Because they’re hoping time will heal all things” Silence grows deeper

Beating the allegations that it’s not bed time

Slinking to the occasion

Having a meet cute with the moment

Me, wearing a large brimmed bucket hat: “how could you say that about my hat?”

You’re saying steam conned this troll?

“Trust the process”, i say to myself as i take my allergy medication

Aw crap it’s bed time!

Dirty soda, shaken, not stirred

Siri’s been nosy as heck recently

If your water goes too hard it might make sense to get a quote on a softening system

Children yearn for the cargo bike

Fyi: A moomaid is like a mermaid but it is part cow and part fish

Gift of the manga

in no particular order and with as little thought as possible Malcolm in the middle Peep Show The sopranos Curb your enthusiasm Breaking Bad Mad Men The Wire Better Call Saul The inbetweeners Seinfeld Eastbound and down Vice principles Righteous gemstones 30 Rock

FISH HEAR ME FISH SEE ME I AM THEIR FRIEND

What a bunch of happy lil guys

Tears for pears

Sometimes you are not too shy to admit you don’t know something, but are too shy to admit you do know something

Vampires live too long to never reflect on things

When gummy bears hibernate they get all squished together

Baby Yoda has too much screen time

Quick update on my mental state: nearly posted “may the 4th be with you” it’s April 30th

FMK: the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe

Keane Pockets: Lean Pockets didn’t work, so these ones play piano ballads to you until you are too nostalgic to eat anymore

You telling me Fran cis’d this bacon?

Night of the freaking dead

Birthdays are low key p cute