Going for a walk..might be back soon

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs? Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

bet this shit never happens in roku city

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

After the success of the pillow fort I’ve always been surprised by the absence of other down filled munitions or defense systems.

I get it Christmas tree; I, too, am getting dry, bald, and need to be taken down.

of course I'm tired, you try raising 74 digital cats

My dog waits until every fireworks show starts to tell the world how much he hates America

You can have my 3rd degree frostbite when you pry it from my cold, dead hands

hell yeah I got that tboy swag (appearing unbothered in incredibly stressful situations because I'm dissociating into space)

I always leave them wanting more. Mainly because I bring literally nothing to the equation.

I can focus on doing my job well and hating myself simultaneously. It’s a gift

After my 5 Hour Energy wears off, I sink into a 19 Hour Lethargy.

[shopping at Best Buy] *looks at a few price tags* ok kids, looks like we’re going to second-best buy.

The haunted doll I got at a flea market has killed again, but it's so darn cute I just can't stay mad at it.

Apostrophe's going cheap

I’m always stuck somewhere between too long for a skeet but too short for a manifesto.

Nothing matters. Eat that 10pm giant bowl of off brand honey nut cheerios with a bunch of sugar dumped on it because literally nothing matters anymore

Me: omg who stole my post. My head: you changed your profile picture. Me: oh yeah. Bourbon = 1 Me = 0

I’m extremely attractive if you just glance at me for a quick sec

They were like you're such a bitch. And i was like we all have our things we excel at.

i remember when i was eighteen & was about to move out of my parent’s house i asked my dad if he had any advice, so he sat me down, looked me right in the eyes & said, “try not to get eaten by a mountain lion.”

Can’t, luv. I don’t want to.

They may have built that city on rock ‘n’ roll, but the lyrical foundation was weak.

Your child's art is for your refrigerator, ma'am. In your home. Where I don't have to see it.

yeah, things are bad now, but they’re also gonna get worse

Me, not wanting to get hospitalized

Author James Patterson unkindly suggests writing for overweight Americans.

the thought of going home and burying my face in a plate of assorted cheeses is getting me through this friday

I lost my phone stylus down the side of this La-Z-Boy and my vacation is ruined.

[my brain, 3:12 am] - jiminy cricket - flippity jibbet - rickety steps - skibidi rizz - ribbity jizz - flickery bits [sleeps through alarm]

“Look kid, it’s simple. The faster you get the tire changed, the faster we get to your friend’s birthday party. It’s really up to you. I’ll be in the car.”

“Pull up, Maverick, pull up! You’re coming in way too fast! Christ, I don’t think he’s gonna make it. Clear the runway! Clear the runway!”

I’m am independent thinker who questions everything, so excuse me if I don’t blindly accept the official narrative that “it’s 10 o’clock” and I’m “two hours late for work and obviously hungover.”

having things named after you is awesome unless it’s a mountain pass

But enough about me, officer. Have you been partying a little bit tonight?

Boss: Did you finish your self-assessment? Me: Sure did! Boss: Did you submit it to the HR portal? I can't find it. Me: Wait, self-assessment isn't a euphemism?

“i don’t read fiction” damn sorry about your flaccid imagination

I’m going to have another drink I say as I’m pouring my first.

[doing my daily affirmations in the mirror] i am the horror and i will be persisting

Every time someone adds me to a list with awesome, hilarious people I feel like I've successfully fooled the bouncer with a really bad fake ID to get into a club where I definitely do not belong.

HR keeps referring to “the incident” and I keep telling them they’ll have to be more specific.

You feel just like home - it’s yucky there too

Saying vegetables are healthy is just a ploy by big Farma.

Salt is my favourite edible rock.

My husband: I wish I hadn’t gotten you that stupid blender for your birthday Me drinking 3 frozen pizzas: why

Sometimes I think it would be nice if I had a really sexy bikini body and other times I think I really love cheesecake.

You can be amazingly strong yet broken at the same time. The beautiful art of being you.

(me, feverishly focused on the task at hand) window seat guy: so you're for real clipping your toenails then