my handbag has basically become the bag i use to carry around the bags i need for shopping

there is no shame in not getting a joke the true shame lies in those who go out of their way to post a narcy little reply that clearly shows that they didn't get the joke and felt the need to try and make it everyone else's problem like please go shit in the corner of your own home and leave us be

first time i tasted sweet potato was in the mid 90s while out with friends i ordered wedges and didn't realise that they were sweet potato until i bit into them i was so offended by being duped by this inferior potato that i swore i'd never eat it again 30 years and counting yes i can hold a grudge

In hell there's always a mystery hair caught in the hinge of your glasses

I am so mad but I’m tired and seem pretty chill.

So odd that violence was often the answer in most of my history exams and how it’s just not anymore.

I don't mind doing laundry Me flirting HARD

They could make a hot dog that forms a loop and the ends meet. But there’s no way to make a bun that would fit it. It contradicts every physic we know.

If your nickname is Porkchop, get new friends.

In case you ever need to provide a fake name to get out of trouble

Oh, the screaming? You’ll get used to it.

Silver Fox…I whisper to myself as I yank another gray hair from my nostril.

Fighting the urge to turn you over every sixty minutes on account of your hourglass figure.

always have fun at the party but don’t be the shirtless guy yelling woo hoo at the party

me: ok that's enough coffee for today also me: *makes another cup of coffee* me again: am i talking to myself here? me once more:

You have the personality of low-sodium Doritos.

Luckily I sobered up in time to get drunk again.

Forgot the word for eggs and called 'em chicken seeds

One sip of coffee and I have to leave it to go poo. -a memoir

[Law and Order: No Shit Unit] DETECTIVE: [inspecting corpse] this person was murdered

Me *speaking loudly and ostentatiously shuffling through my mail at the post office*: this "current resident" fella sure has a lot goin' on!

this teams video call should have been an email I’m old pls stop wasting my precious time

My Apple Watch congratulated me on finishing a workout. I was just trying to put on Spanx. If fighting for my life in shapewear doesn’t count as cardio, the system is flawed.

Worked on my core today (finished an apple).

If you need me I'm just heading up shit creek to set up a business selling paddles.

Me: so if she calls me Daddy and I call her Mommy, does that make it more kinky or less kinky Interviewer (on the phone with HR): hold off on calling security, he's actually raising some pretty good questions

I would have been a terrible human mother because I find most human babies repulsive but I would have been a fabulous animal mother because I think every baby animal is adorable and I have to think this has something to do with an evolutionary error in my reproductive genome.

Comforting to see the rest of the world is falling apart with me.

If you question whether they're your friend or not? They're not.

On this date in history 1794, The Age of Reason began when Thomas Paine’s wife asked him, “Is there a reason you don’t hang up your towels after you shower?”

Sorry I’m late by 3-5 business days

Killing the vibe of your sexy alts with comments like, “Your boobs remind me of my sister,” and, “My wife had legs like yours before she passed.”

hamburger helper or hamburger enabler

Bactine makes a decent bedtime facial toner in a pinch.

“Have you tried the new..?” NOPE

Party clown work kind of dried up after COVID and my felony conviction.

Man, every apocalypse survivor on TV dresses way cuter than I do

If I was feeling the performance I would hold up my lighter and rock & roll devil horn fingers. Now, all these years later, my daughter is telling me I ruined a lot of her school Christmas pageants.

give a man a waffle he eats for a day teach a man to waffle he’s indecisive for a lifetime

I managed to get everything done on today’s to-do list. No one is more surprised than me. I think the last time this happened was in junior high when I had “return a library book” and “walk down to the gas station & buy a pepperoni stick” written down.

Always say hi to new people at work. That way you learn if they're talkers and then you never say hi again.

Been thinking about visiting the Xfinity Mobile Arena in Philadelphia. But I can’t seem to find a schedule for when the arena moves.

Not a youngbod. Not a dadbod. Much worse. A grandbod.

One of the good things about being bald is how much less cash I have to waste on hair care products.

a yawn is when your soul is trying to silent scream its way out of your body

composing a last minute mother’s day poem, does anyone know a term of affection that rhymes with toxic?

I didn’t say I was right, I said you were wrong

I was planning on leaving my body to the local medical school to use for training students but the student body successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

(me, watching the expendables with a bunch of aging action stars 16 years after it came out) expendables? more like EXTENDABLES amirite lolololol (my cat):

This day in history. 1899. In Nurmijärvi Finland farmhand Karl Emil Malmelin, his marriage proposal to the farmer's daughter rejected, murdered everyone in the neighbourhood with an axe, not the traditional knife, which certainly raised some eyebrows among the Finns.