Attending parent teacher night just to badmouth teenagers. I don't have kids.

Can’t. Busy clearing the Strait of Hormuz.

Oh, really, Universal Pictures? I’ll bet your pictures have never even left our solar system.

I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Candyman Candyman Candyman

It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby

Them: did you hear the latest about - Me (wearing my news canceling headphones): nope

Whenever a movie flashbacks and a parent is telling a kid something once… and they remember it into adulthood… I’m like, that’s bullshit. If the flashback is a montage of the parent telling the kid something 83 times over multiple years it would be more believable.

anytime i eat bbq i will get cabbage on my clothes, it’s murphy slaw

Who called it vodka instead of Taterade?

Told my dentist friend that he should call his work WhatsApp group 'Tooth Social' and now he's just my dentist.

Can't. I'm busy filling up Easter baskets with Snickers, Dum-Dums and Bit-O-Honeys left over from Halloween.

the song is actually about amazing grapes

Naked and Afraid (you’ll see me)

How long into the first date should I wait to ask to take out a loan in their name?

So much concern expressed for “hardworking Americans.” What about us Americans working at around 65%?

Won't you sign my petition to have the Boston Celtics pronounce Celtics with a hard C

I may need to cut back on social media use. 36 hours a day online might be too much.

This day in history. 2003. Tolkien Reading Day, organized by the Tolkien Society, celebrates the work of J.R.R. Tolkien. This year they want us to ask everyone we meet today "What have you got in your nasty little pocketses?"

quack dealers

They say that the universe is slowing down as it gets older. You and me both, universe, you and me both.

(putting salt and pepper on the rich)

The Army is raising the age of enlistment to 42 & overlooking marijuana convictions. We’re hoping a bunch of dudes who followed Phish around from 2004-2007 can reopen the Strait of Hormuz.

I have a joke about zarathustra but it’s kinda nietzsche

so effervescent and effluent mean very different things and now i'm really regretting this drink order

Book Gets Rave Review From People Trying To Sell You Book

I used to think my wife’s silent treatment was the absence of language. Wrong. It’s the most advanced dialect. It has tenses: past wrong, present wrong and the future’s “you’re gonna be wrong.”

Every time some cult leader prophesies the end of the world and it doesn’t happen, they should be forced to pay off my credit cards.

(finding myself comfortable in bed forgetting to take my gastric reflux meds) I'm gonna take my chances

"Hold that thought" I can't, by nature thought is quite insubstantial

Sat on the floor without an exit plan again.

Thought I had a regular sounding cough but doctor said it sounded like I have a horse cough.

tried singing for my supper and now i’m banned from applebees

Me: Thinking of your face, the immense joy, the endless possibilities, the comfort and reassurance all spoken without words. Then you were gone, taking all my hopes and dreams with you and the world became dark once more. My empty coffee mug:

Mutiny! On the poop deck

sorry, I can't come to the phone I carry on me at all times and which is usually in my hands

Starting the morning off on the right foot by tripping over a cat

i still don't get why he was called jack sparrow in parrots of the caribbean

why do people say, to be honest? isn’t that the default?

Have you ever noticed how Spam comes in the EXACT size and shape it needs to be to fit in the can? Nature is so beautiful

In a shocking turn of events, my enemies have read The Book of How to Defeat Me Specifically

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Leopard: Rawwwr Snow leopard: A licky boom boom down

she keeps a pair from every lover that’s why they call her captain plunderpants

things are bad but at least I’m getting a lot of practice curling into a ball

[sexting] Her: Are you naked? Me (taking a shit): Yes

me: if z is the length of a slice and a is the area of the pie, then pi(zz)=a PhD advisor: this is what you’ve been working on for three and a half years?

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Make them all shower first though.

Walmart really wants to sell me that serrano pepper.

the greatest trick the devil evil played was rebranding himself as “the hell man” in order to sell you mayonnaise

girl you wanna talk shit then meet me by the catnip bush after my nap