i don't rise and grind. i wake and spiral

This day in history. 1928. Australian aviator Bert Hinkley took off from Croydon on the first solo flight from England to Australia. "Why take such a risk?" they asked and he answered "Have you seen Croydon?"

“I hope this thing’s recording. Okay Marla, I only have a few seconds. My life insurance policy’s in the top drawer of the desk in my study. My broker Ted’s number is in my phone, call him. Also, ask Phil to come by and get rid of the box we talked about, he’ll know what I mean.”

It's all fun and games till the authorities* show up *my cats when I'm making a tuna sandwich

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again.

These 237 Amazon boxes and I will be having a breakdown soon.

I wish I was the person I was when I packed my lunch this morning.

This isn't anything getting naked and making snow angels in the courtyard and then jumping into a hot tub can't solve. Boss: Once again, I need to remind you that HR does not want you mediating anymore.

I actually prefer that my olive oil has a little bit of experience

i can’t offer you any advice on How to Win Friends and Influence People but i’d be happy to share what i know about How to Disappoint Your Family

Ah yes I see the problem, classic mistake. Instead of building the city on a stable, well-drained, load-bearing soil you built it on Rock & Roll

Underwear without topwear is just wear

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

sorry i had you on mute it's fixed now *narrator: it wasn't fixed.

I fear I may be suffering from restless mind syndrome.

Due to a typo, I've been marooned on a dessert island. Send milk.

Remember, you gotta spend money to endure soul crushing systemic poverty.

I broke up with my farmer boyfriend. I wrote him a John Deere letter

Thanks to onerous plagiarism laws, (what I assume would be) my breakout single “Jebediah Was a Bullfinch” will never see the light of day.

Note to self: Never do anything.

[bursts into liquor store] oh no I’m remembering things, please help

writing your stand up routine in comic sans doesn’t help, you guys

I'll hold your hair back so you don't get any apocalypse on it.

Always find it difficult knowing what to wear for an unavoidable social function.

So many anti-cholesterol drugs have ended up in the Hudson over the years, they've coagulated into their own little land mass. It's called Statin Island.

Reminder, have sex with your wife.

I'm so tired but if I go to sleep then tomorrow will show up so soon.

Chin hair so long you claim it on your taxes

I have the heart of a lion ᶠᶦˢʰ

Financial planning protip: Make sure your spouse is the beneficiary of your Fidelity account and your side piece is the beneficiary of your Infidelity account.

My lunch break is often taken in my office with the lights off because this sunny demeanor needs to reset in the dark to recharge

It's hard to believe but if you wear a top hat to work every day, eventually, your coworkers won't even notice it. Now the monocle.

There's no easy way to say this: isthmus

Please, southern man, continue to give me, a Wisconsin farm girl, tips on how to drive in your snow down here because..checks notes..your snow is different than northern snow.

*looking over at Netflix during sex* hey Netflix, are you still watching?

Emotionally, I’m parked by the jetty and sitting on the hood of my ‘71 Chevy Impala. I’m listening to Boston, a can of Schlitz in my hand, watching the lobster boats away. I can smell Coppertone on the breeze

If you love something, lock it up. If you set it free it will go the authorities.

i bet people would love me if i was covered with fur and made silly noises

I got an emotional support animal. It's a cow. Not the entire cow. Ok, it's a hamburger.

Me: *reaches character limit when typing a reply* Also me: *deletes reply and responds with emojis*

Seems like a perfect time to start robbing banks.

This day in history. 1913. Greek aviators Lieutenant Michael Moutoussis and Ensign Aristeidis Moraitinis carried out the first naval air mission. Ensign Moraitinis lost control of his Farman MF.7 hydroplane when he flew too close to the sun and melted his moustache wax. Tragic.

When faced with a difficult decision I like to ask what would Jesus do? The problem is he answers in Aramaic.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you think of numerical ratings?

My 10 favourite digits (in no particular order) 6 0 2 9 1 7 4 8 3 5

well that’s very specific

I suppose one good thing these days is that no one asks for doggy bags anymore

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

My dog runs up and down our backyard hill so often I'm going to change his name to Kate Bush