sometimes around 7:30 on a Friday night I’ll be thinking about how some people are actually thinking about going out later and it makes me nauseated to be honest

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

January is like a never ending Monday.

the day i have in mind for this will be a very good day, indeed

workin’ on my night soups 🎶

i like to imagine confused people wearing glasses on all kinds of body parts until the manufacturers finally held an emergency meeting and were like, "guys, i think it's time we started calling them eye glasses"

are there any goody one shoes

Rent so high I'm gonna hide out and live in your ceiling crawl space.

I never advocate for negativity, I do advocate for realism and objective reality

sound of one hand clapping *click clack crackle (it’s a skeleton hand)

There’s a lot of bleak news, but let’s celebrate ending the war on saturated fat.

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”

Is your dumb ass really asking why someone would try to drive away from a platoon of masked, Full Metal Jacket lookin' wockaflockas, stompin' into neighborhoods, breaking down doors and windows, draggin' men, women and children away with "absolute immunity"?

I think I'm ready to wander off into the wilderness and let something eat me

one fish two fish pee fish poo fish

One day you're young and carefree, the next you have both daytime and nighttime socks

“It's funny. It's funny because it's uh... bigger than, you know... a normal hat.” - Turd Ferguson.

but at least there's nothing terrifying about Mr. Beast's wide, warm smile and absolutely dead eyes

Why the new food guidelines look like Cards Against Humanity

death by a thousand cat kickies

don’t call it lower case when betabet is right there

People think lions or bears are the toughest animals to fight but I think it’s a zebra. They’ve got more black belts than anyone.

in heaven you can sniff gasoline and it won’t hurt you

Always keep a ripe avocado in one pocket and a lime in the other because you'll never know when you'll be feeling salty enough to whip up some pocket guacamole to go with the chip on your shoulder

Talking to myself after every single social interaction

Anyway this is Alex.

if i engage with what matters on a grander scale right now i will utterly collapse inward like a dying star so heres a progress picture of the kraken

Have you tried screaming louder?

Me Dec.31 2025: Alright, next year I will focus on my fiscal fitness and refrain from making any impulsive or unnecessary purchases. Me, first Grocery Outlet trip one week into 2026:

nobody in this meeting knows what’s really in my coffee mug (pickle brine)

Eat two half sour pickles to get your full day’s requirement of sour

“You developed a dual case of Endolupine Encapsulation Disorder. In short, there are two wolves inside you. Medically, this is considered suboptimal.”

The United States of Clownage.

the bad part of sending my little Teams messages at work is, either someone will reply, or nobody will, and both options are frankly horrible

Who the fuck gave the guy telling people to put limes in coconuts an MD?

Gonna do a microplastics detox today with just a 12 pack of poland spring and a few squirts of that lemon juice that comes in the lemon shaped squeezy bottle

I'm down with RSD (yeah, you know me!)

careful there, that’s a load bearing traumatic memory

Super excited to have some of my art in this anthology. Lots of talented writers and artists in there. Proceeds go to some good causes. Campaign goes til the end of the month.

I love seeing men get out of their cars to yell at people in traffic. Nobody can hear you big dawg but I do hope you feel better!

From 1981 to 1997, nothing was more threatening than calling someone “dead meat.”

good luck officer, for we are all John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts

Things could be worse. I’m not sure how, exactly. But if life has taught me anything, it’s that things always manage to get worse.

wiggling under the covers like a slug

my doctor finally figured out what’s wrong with me. apparently there’s a little birdhouse in my soul

They should expand the Make-A-Wish program to serve different demographics, like adults who are sad.

she was rare, like a lunch sandwich that survived the ride to work