You have to understand, a lot of things seemed extreme to us in the 90s. It was a more innocent time.

Be trippin' up that road Be fallin' down that hill Be jumpin' off that building

Tried holding one hand out of the window of a moving car to play with the wind as a visual metaphor for my capricious nature but I accidentally slapped a passing seagull

Oh, to be a blue-tongued skink sleeping in a humid hide.

I think the Hamburglar and Chucky had the same mom.

There’s a visible meter floating above my head at all times slowly depleting since I last ate a big Ren Faire turkey leg

gen z kids reminisce like "remember when everything was on fleek? those were the days"

coffee #1 most spillable drink

In retrospect I didn’t need a rehearsal dinner, I had experience eating dinner many times prior to that.

Finished needlepoint! 🌿🩷🌿

“No this biopic doesn’t go into that stuff. It ends with his application to art school.”

Made a quick little post-it doodle of a jaunty bird to hang out by my desk

So happy to have this guy from @octopuscaveman.bsky.social on my wall.

I really would have excelled at conversation in the time of carrier pigeon.

I thought I was a good person, but I found myself laughing at a missing cat post because they named the cat Jim. (I hope Jim finds his way home soon. 💜)

selecting the window seat and immediately closing the shade to protect my fellow passengers from witnessing the blasphemy of human flight

As an empath, I can sense when a cloaked figure is chasing me through the catacombs

Something instead of nothing

I’m sorry but the frogs are chirping too hornily at each other and it’s grossing me out

I just made a horrible correlation. Anytime I’ve experienced good food in a hospital cafeteria there was death involved but when the food was shitty the patient was fine. I hope you don’t have the opportunity to test this theory but if you do, just to be safe I hope the food sucks.

watermelon

*crawls out of the dirt* "that was a great earth day"

WHO THE FUCK'S IDEA WAS IT TO LET THE HORSES PERFORM SURGERY AGAIN? THEY HAVE GOT HOOVES FOR HANDS. MAYBE MR. DUMPTY WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE IF WE'D HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR RATHER THAN FUCKING SEABISCUIT.

No, I am not "single"...I was the winner of a March Madness-style polycule that started out with 64 members, each eliminated from the group over subsequent rounds until in the end I was the only one left. I'm not a bachelor, I'm a champion.

ME: I’m gonna try to take you to a disco BOB SEGER: you better not

I wonder if birdwatchers ever have nightmares where all of the sudden the birds all have little binoculars and are watching them🤔

it's so funny that the cells in your body know what to do with rotisserie chicken when you eat it. then again, when i see rotisserie chicken at the grocery i also know what to do with it. maybe what i think is knowledge is those hungry cells whispering chicken dreams to my mind's ear

I wish I had the confidence of the 5-year-old who just walked up to me in a hospital hallway and said, “Bad news mister, my mother is lost.”

[having the birds & bees talk with 13] Well son, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and bees have the best knees!

Write the book you would like to see someone pull from a higgledy piggledy pile in a secondhand shop 63 years after your death and say, "This looks fucking weird. I think I will buy it for Joan."

happy earth day! wild coincidence that all the Earths were born on the same day, but I trust the science

Keep On Keepin' On #Art by Tommy Devoid

People are often curious about all the chunky rings I wear, but the truth is each one tells a story. And that story is: I’m having a midlife crisis.

love song

it’s fun when multiple cat pfps like the same posts bc my notifications look like one cat saw it and shared it with their cat friends

hamster

I like how the fish in the picture is like Yesssss oh fuckkkkkk as he listens to the chorus of Sister Christian

That blows my mind.

Nothing official yet, but..

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time. That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

Wishing Marijuana a very happy birthday.

The existence of “Linked In” implies the existence of Zelda the Fuck Outta Here

Me: Why does my cat bite me? Veterinarian: Because his paws are too tiny to choke you.

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough is a song about stalking, right?

pavlov wouldve loved these things

Me: I’d like to take you out for an expensive meal. Her: Thanks, but I had a long day. Could we stay home and still have an expensive meal? Me: Sure *hands her an avocado*

i once threw up at a smashing pumpkins concert and billy corgan has yet to ask me if i’m feeling any better.