Everyone keeps warning me that Minnesota is really cold but idk what they’re talking about, I’ve lived here since mid-April and I’ve barely been cold at all.

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

Hey. Lemme see your pets.

As a people watcher I'm always caught off guard when I catch people people watching me.

it is what it is it is what it isn't it is what's unnerving it is what was hidden it is what we didn't want it is what it shouldn't be it is what we never meant it is complete utter fuckery

Have I ever eaten a moth? Yes. Would I eat a moth again? Probably. Is it weird that I'm telling you this because you didn't ask? Absolutely. But let me ask you this: Do you have any moths?

Rarely does window shopping lead to the purchase of windows.

Hey chat, for real though, I need all your available positive energy tomorrow. I know it's stretched as thin as your grocery budget, but if you have even a coupon's worth to spare for a stranger who is asking for help in the form of vibes, I want it and I receive it and I will take it. Thank you.

The only Spielberg movie to break my suspension of disbelief was Close Encounters where there’s a 3-year-old kid named Barry. Barry’s are never 3; they manifest at 45 with a divorce and a job they hate.

The World Cup is proof that if not for our leaders, the vast majority of the world's people would get along just fine.

Me: I don’t have to justify myself to you. There’s only one person I have to justify myself to. Them: Yourse– Me: My parole officer.

Life's too short to not wear fun socks

I like to say things like 'cobble together', because I like to sound like an elf, even though I'm a giantess.

i don’t pay attention to serving sizes, i just eat until i hate myself and then take a few more bites

Break out the melatonin/lavender/chamomile infused sugar scrub, babe. We're falling asleep in the tub together tonight.

I want my obituary to have a treasure map that ends at a sign saying "the real treasure is friendship." That way, people will be glad I'm dead.

As much as I bump into things, my bruises can't really be called mysterious at this point

If you're ever up to your elbows in something, just raise your arms so your elbows are higher.

Life #Art by Tommy Devoid

The cat didn't want to go to work and is jealous of the cat that was abducted.

What if god was built Ford tough Just a truck for hauling stuff

I can do anything I set my mind to. Anything at all. Just as long as it’s not something that I’m being paid for or that I’m expected to do or is due today or is good for my health or could advance my career or would help people who are counting on me or could benefit me in any possible way or

Not to brag or anything, but I don't need to drink alcohol to make bad decisions.

Jewels have got to be the #1 thing to be encrusted with

hello are you here for a gay marriage or a

honestly I don't trust people who don't make the noise of the animals they encounter on a walk. see a goose? honk honk mfer

Did anyone ever find out why that guy’s brain stopped tickin’ after he ate the Chinese chicken? Was it a health code thing?

struggling successfully

Nigeria and Iceland should merge. We need a Niceland.

Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment https://theonion.com/local-church-opens-doors-to-any-single-mothers-in-need-of-judgment/

My greatest talent is always pulling exactly 6 Totino's pizza rolls from the bag

It's Sunday. I'm going to go joyride all the toilets at home depot

Middle of the cereal aisle is as good as any place for a nervous breakdown

Goose love letters: ‘honks and hisses xoxo’

you’ve finally achieved your dreams when you have olive oils for different scenarios

I should get hero pay for continuing to exist.

Happy Solstice, you absolute piece of shit.

today I learned that tuberculosis is not a potato-borne disease

If I ever start referring to myself in the third person, just know she’s went off the deep end.

One of the worst ways to get stabbed is repeatedly

I'm sorry for commenting "again?" on your pregnancy announcement

her feet were beautiful like a couple of... long weird hands

Happy Juneteenth to my people and our allies. It's gonna take all of us to make this the cookout we know it can be and whatnot.

Kind To Yourself 🌹 #Art by Gus Fink

Probably the worst part of the Great Depression was the day your clothes were repossessed by the bank and you had to stumble naked to the local cooper to be fitted for a barrel.

the floor is lava? that is, in many ways, a relief

Happy Juneteenth, frens!