The life-changing power of not sitting at the computer all day.

my advent calendar is a daily smooch

I was feeling out of control in my own life so my therapist recommended I join an HOA board

called an uber to go to the podiatrist, dude showed up in a toe truck

Top 10 Christmas Carol cover bands: - Sleigher - Awreatha Franklin - Faith No Myrrh - Nine Inch Noels - Saint Nickleback - Naughty or Nice by Nature - The Whoville - Taylor's Gift - Bon Jovial - Lil Nas Xmas

I love a cat with a scratchy meow, like they’ve been smoking a pack of nip a day.

that emergency phone call when you need bail

This is Millie. She just learned how to sled. Hopes you brought a second land frisbee, because she will not be taking turns. 13/10 (TT: millietheredlab)

a lord of the rings cover band called imagine flagons

he‘s not my bf, he’s my grilled cheese dream

sure, the trump administration is a hostile work environment but at least they have an office Christmas grift exchange

some people think a meteor killed the dinosaurs, but it also could have been widespread reptile dysfunction

i would fold in anything Ina Garten tells me to

OK but maybe I want to buy some snake oil

Stages of holiday shopping 1. Plenty of time 2. Gifts for myself 3. Oh no

of course I trained as a surgeon have you seen me extract gingerbread cookie dough from the stand mixer?

[handing him a bowl of homemade ramen] Him: look at all those noods

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite song about how people will only love you if you're useful.

if I ever end up in North Korea it’s because I was lured there by scallion pancakes and bulgogi

Playing zoom chicken. I got 10 minutes to put on a nicer shirt and expression

whenever i watch an old timey movie and see the small handbags the ladies would carry all i can think is “that would never hide a rotisserie chicken”

english needs a word for "inviting someone to the holidays but hoping like hell they'll decline"

I’ve reached that part of your career when “senior” in your title means old person

A colleague fell asleep today at a presentation. When he woke in a startle I told him that he was looking very Presidential.

Getting drunk on Bloody Mary = tomato sauced

i know my body is not the right shape for it but i would still love to have it thrown and skipped across a waveless lake

Kids have it so easy nowadays. When I was young, I had to walk through 9ft of shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Things that keep me awake at night #408... How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?

If I'm not supposed to eat the handcrafted soaps, stop making them look delicious

drunk hexing again I see

"Santa Claus is coming to town" - festive, exciting "Santa Claus is goin' to town" - concerning, possibly problematic

It's the type of day where my spouse is basically getting my morning live streamed into their text messages via cat photos.

Most Horses Don’t Actually Like Running, Says Gallop Poll

🎶Ru dolllllph You don't have to put on the red light - Sting trying to raise awareness of workplace exploitation of the noseodivergent

just realized I‘ve been yanking my hair all year from reading the news headlines, so my brilliant marketing idea is to include a free supply of Rogaine with every NYT subscription

she was mysterious, like a damaged section of wall in a video game

Getting kinda late in the shopping season might have to test how serious she is about only wanting me for Christmas

I have a quantum dog, she is both fed and unfed at all times. At least that's her opinion based on her observations of her bowl at any one moment in time.

If you hear screams of anguish it's me making sugar cookies

Supreme Court oral argument this morning, in sum Sotomayor: you're asking us to destroy the foundation of government (derogatory) Gorsuch: you're asking us to destroy the foundation of government (complimentary)

im honored to accept this Wawa Peace Prize

I say “I don’t care” an awful lot for someone that cares an awful lot.

who up growing they mindset

We can put a man on the moon but we can't have quiet leaf blowers?

I could have done pretty well in the Great Depression with an instapot. I mean yes you can get polio but the soup slams.

While I was walking on the beach this morning, spotted a sea lion out playing in the waves, diving, leaping and surfing. Just a wet guy, living his best life

ayyy girl what that growth mindset do

it’s easier than ever before to be in HR - you can screen out job candidates just on whether they can get their audio or camera to work