Dance like people are watching and you’re trying to make them upset

not now, kids. mommy is playing with her new shark™️ cordless™️ power™️ pro™️ vacuum™️ !!!!

I think the question we should all be asking is, “do you know how beautiful I am?”

“Hey, Jealousy,” is my favorite song written from the point of view of someone with green eyes.

Jealousy is a green eyed monster. Nausea only has one eye, and it’s brown.

Politicians don’t do whistle stop tours anymore because it’s easier to post than it is to take a train anywhere in America

My whistle stop tour: I travel around the country and folks everywhere beg me to stop whistling.

one of those family stick figure appliqués for your car window only they’re all hot dogs

Anyone else put their underwear on inside out today Yeah me neither

"I still believe that the world is flat." "I can demonstrate that it isn't. Get in that boat and sail away from shore. Keep looking at that lighthouse until it disappears." "OK. Then what?" "Keep going."

Now is the time to bring back Clippy so I can ask him to tell me secrets

him: would you say you’re silly? me: i’m half goose, on my dads side

I've noticed Joke "Correctors" rarely, if ever, write jokes themselves. The "Well, actually" crowd are never the people putting the bottles up on the fence. They're just the ones throwing rocks at the bottles. 😒

Hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave.

“Okay Steve, try it now.”

Church cigarettes, holy smokes

I like my men like I like my coffee: I gave up coffee

ME: why are cat’s noses cold? I mean if they were room temperature I’d get it. But cold? Do they have a tiny air conditioner in their heads? MY VET: please, I have a family

Let's not speak aloud at the bluesky meet up. Just wear name tags and post as usual.

This jizz on my throat looks nothing like a pearl necklace.

I wanna be mean to someone. But like. Lovingly.

Today, I shall mostly be adding little moustaches and monocles to all the illustrations of spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Me, nude, riding a rocking horse: Easy, Sarsaparilla.

filling my weekly pill organizer with helping hands

its 2 am on the toilet do you know where your phone is

“Allow me to demonstrate.” - demons, probably

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus? Phone: There is no higher purpose in life. Me: You could at least stop misspelling words. Phone: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling. Me: Is that a beret? Phone: Oui.

This day in history. 2011. Ronald Reagan Day in California celebrates the defunding of universities, the beating and murder of student protesters, escalating taxes, poverty, homelessness, and untreated mental illness, but as the governor pointed out, "facts are stupid things."

I suppose one good thing these days is that no one asks for doggy bags anymore

well that’s very specific

so this whole time “Democracy Dies in Darkness” was more of a daily affirmation for Bezos

me: I guess what Descartes was really saying was you’ll never be truly happy if you’re always wanting more girl scout: er, does that mean you want some cookies or nah? me: just gimme everything you got

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

We will find out who killed three of our ghosts!

my posts read best with a jazzy baseline playing in the background

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

My skeets are, and always will be, ad free

this meeting could have been a collective primal scream

Don’t think of throwing your hot dog at the pigeons as feeding them. Think of it as self-defense.

Incredible stuff happening at Spencer’s Gifts

Is kindness *actually* a superpower, or does it just seem that way because everyone’s so awful?

If your extended metaphor lasts more than four clauses see your doctor of philosophy.

My 10 favourite digits (in no particular order) 6 0 2 9 1 7 4 8 3 5

I made a scale model of a city at the beach. Called it Sand Francisco.

[handing out red koolaid] C’mon and have some. it’s a cult classic!

Fish have scales Snakes have scales Lawyers have scales Wait, sorry, that last one was "outrageous prices"

On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you think of numerical ratings?