I consider this gift card a lump of Kohl's.

sometimes i’ll suggest to my wife that we stay up past eleven and watch one more episode because i want her to know there’s still a little of the bad boy in me

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.

Woke up with my fanny pack on again

Say the word "webinar" near me and prepare for The Fury.

Went to a party last night and there were 5 dogs there and I have an idea for a new law that will actually be good

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

Her: Your profile said you were a special kind of dom. Me: Boredom.

I like to start by doing nothing and then somehow make it less efficient

Omg guys. I just tried this new thing called proofreading (?) (Sp?) Anysay, try it out.

do we get paid overtime if we’re still skeeting after putting our phones on night shift

Nothing quite prepares you for the first time you overhear your 15 year old daughter explaining to her grandmother what teabagging is.

This day in history. 1969. John Lennon met with Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau in his office and discussed legalizing marijuana while Yoko screamed at a stuffed caribou in the corner.

I don’t believe that just because they watch violent movies it makes a person commit acts of violence, after all I’ve watched loads of porn yet I almost never have the sex.

Bridesmaids have only one natural predator, the bridezilla, who beats the maids into submission before swallowing them whole

Almost feel sorry for people who've always had their shit together and will never experience the surprise and delight of getting their shit together.

All I want for christmas is for everyone to get their search links in order

he oozes that special something

my skircle is pics of various meats and cheeses

the optimistic optometrist prescribes rose tinted glasses

Please join me in not forming groups for any reason.

Two houses both alike in diggity.

the sluttiest thing a dog can do is not fix their flipped up ear

I hope to find your package under my tree

falling in love with me is a mistake fall into a vat of noodles with me instead

If I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes, you have just enough time to fly to space & finish building your Death Star before we go.

“Know what I got for Hanukkah?” “What?” “A new vacuum cleaner.” “Well, that sounds nice!” “Eh, it’ll probably just gather dust.” “Haha! Good one, Morty!” “Thanks, Irving.” “You should go tell Saul that one.” “Good idea! Be right back.”

I miss breaking up over the phone right before Christmas so I didn't have to buy a present

Alexa which toxic male influencer is getting the shit kicked out of him today

i wish a motherfucker would (have a lovely day)

After a person is unmasked as a serial killer, the neighbors always say he was quiet and seemed nice. So at least I know my neighbors aren’t serial killers.

If a social media post demanding action doesn't make the government immediately fall into line, then I don't know what will.

the Mrs asked me what was wrong as i was looking at my phone but i was just doing a crossword puzzle i guess i have resting crossword puzzle face

In the end, all M and M's are brown

Why are you crying? Your disappointment arrived right on schedule. Happy Sunday

Occam's Nair.

Sorry I called rocks "feral bricks."

What stage of grief is pyrotechnics

Love that Santa has a naughty list. Lil something for the freaks

DID OUR PINKY SWEAR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

may the winter solstice bring you hope of the light to come and some bbq ribs

If you marry a mail order bride, how much is the postage for all the bridesmaids?

There's a special place in hell for people who try to make you believe in it.

What I like about the truth is you don't have to believe in it.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

I for one never asked for a live action Grinch

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat? Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

This day in history. 1919. FBI director J Edgar Hoover had Emma Goldman deported for fomenting anarchy and wearing the same dress he did to a cocktail party.