don't worry folks, the earth is backed up in the clouds somewhere

It’s official I’ve become my parents except instead of checking daily newspaper obituaries I open Bluesky tracker: “oh no honey look who just deactivated”

Dairy aisle cooked up something for the freaks with heavy whipping cream

You’ll fight me tooth and nail? Suit yourself. I’ll be using knives and guns.

Reporting my neighbors to the HOA because they put their Christmas tree and lights up on November 1st and it makes my house feel inadequate

Me, sober: Ham is pretty mid, tbh. Me, drunk: Hey…you got any ham?

Walrus potato does not care for your hurtful comparison.

Establish dominance in a meeting by bringing donuts and saying no one can have any because they are for a later, more important meeting.

ok wow they sure give you lots of extra skin as you age

Dysentery causes oregon failure

Win every food fight by throwing dense frozen items.

This day in history. 1988. A jury ruled that John Fogerty had not plagiarized the melody of one of his own songs, Run Through the Jungle, on the grounds that "That is not a melody."

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

You're beautiful when you're angry and thousands of miles away.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

If you don't have any friends, you don't need to keep them close.

Tonight, open all the windows and doors in your house and turn on the lights. Once the mosquitoes are inside, close everything and sleep outside.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

me: when you assume it makes an ass out of u him: "and me" me: i already mentioned u

I'm here for moron support. It's like moral support except I'm a dumbass

I've always worshipped you from afar. Why won't you let me worship from anear?

Shhhh..quiet. I'm giving someone the silent treatment.

Do I like to flirt? I love to flirt! Finally Lying down I’m Really Tired

Am I too old to aspire to 'aloof wife'

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

I’m sick, so I’ll probably do a sexy video of me rubbing Vicks Vaporub on my chest later

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

This conclusion I just jumped to would look absolutely magnificent in a gilded frame, mounted above my fireplace mantle.

one of the main symptoms of lactose intolerance seems to be the total inability to acknowledge of the existence of lactose intolerance

Calm down hardware store I don’t need to walk through an Enchanted Christmas Wonderland to get to the socket wrenches

I sit and chat with the janitor at work every morning and he told me he doesn’t have enough money for food this month. Today I brought him a gift card for groceries and he cried. Shit shouldn’t be this way.

i wanna take this relationship to the next level. food court is upstairs, tell me now if what we have is real.

I just read that this full moon will bring tons of money to Pisces, so yeah, my time has come. Totally unrelated, I’m not a Pisces. But I read it, so it counts.

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret [me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now

Today's goal: not engaging with people who get their news from Facebook.

got a PhD in shitposting but my mother still won't call me "my son the doctor"

i post only for my friends in the morning because anybody who sleeps through them are the enemy

if you start your period during the super moon you get to kill one dude

If I found a genie, I’d wish for professional wrestling to be real three times

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵 From a distance: 🎵bah bah bah🎵 Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human! Camera Sasquatch: I don't know. Could be a bird.

Him: You are a souless ginger. Me: Far from it. I've collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in this ancient wooden box. Him: Funny! Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle. Him: *nervous laugh*

Yes, by all means, autocorrect. Let’s describe me as a “long distance ruiner.”

Cake’s 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 is my favorite song about online relationships.

This day in history. 1217. In England the Charter of the Forest sealed by King Henry III restored rights of pannage, estover, agistment, turbary, badgerage, and squirrelamor.

I think my sleep paralysis demon is mad at me. It keeps covering up my temperature regulating foot and making me too warm.

Dire Straits promised us money for nothing and chicks for free. I guess their name should have given them away.

brain trust fall is that a thing

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

We all have those 478 people we can't stand