How do you know you’re haunted by silly ghosts? They go ba-dum-tss in the night

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

All this talk about rapture but my question is will anything be going on sale

I want to be raptured like one of those french girls

Frankly I don't really see the problem with rapturing a few of that mob away

Danger is my middle name. Oops, typo. Anger is my middle name.

This day in history. 1943. Kate Smith sang for thirteen continuous hours on the radio until Americans had finally pledged to buy enough war bonds to make her stop.

If you hit two frying pans together you can summon an angry 50s housewife who’s tired of being told she’s going to straight to the moon one day

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

[Perfects time machine. Goes back to 1325. Gets bubonic plague. Dies]

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

parenting is literally just saying “wow that was awesome bud!” when your kid does some mundane thing

you know you're old when the only function of a selfie stick is to help you read your texts

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

batman has midlife crisis and starts a more comprehensive night time moisturiser and anti-aging serum ritual for the lower half of his face

making small talk with charon

I know it’s the season of the witch because I’m hunting for the perfect broom handle to ride.

Me: Is that Elizabeth the Goth? Them: Whoa! It’s Black Betty.

Brits really threw a wrench in the works by calling it a spanner.

These nonstop LEGO ads are really starting to break me down… brick by brick.

being poor is such bullshit i can’t even afford to hire someone to pee for me

Are we human? Or are we denser? *collapses into a black hole*

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

Oh you're on bluesky? What's your Banger to Cringe ratio?

Call your senators today. Tell them, "I love gambling." Then make some smooching noises. Then meow a couple times. Who knows what'll work with those clowns.

look this cult isn’t going to work unless you adore me unconditionally

maybe he’s cake remember when everything was cake? has anyone checked maybe the whole regime is cake

Bullseye is the supervillain with the most unbelievable premise: what if an Irishman were really good at darts?

What’s that old saying — Feed a fever, starve a dictator

If you arrange my skeets in the correct order, you’ll be able to solve my murder.

I think a lot about Americans and America can be explained by how everyone went utterly apeshit in 1975 when Carter introduced the prospect of converting to the metric system.

He was rare, like a fanny pack that isn't hideous.

Showing up to the airport with my shoes and toiletries strapped to my chest with duct tape like a mf genius

omg Your Honor, I made those threats on Opposite Day so they don’t count

I'm not like other girls. I'm absolutely unwavering in my belief that nothing bad could ever happen to anyone at Trader Joe's.

“Do you want me to give you lots of attention or leave you alone?” Me: Yes.

My dream last night consisted of a pretty little black kitty, James Woods & the song Return to Innocence. Honestly brain, WHAT THE FUCK?

Are you ok, they asked. I said yes, because I couldn't say I wanted to set the office on fire. Do you want to set the office on fire, they asked. I said no, because you can't admit to this. But wait, this is ambition too. Sometimes the office needs to burn. Believe in yourself. ~ LinkedIn post

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

Having a black cat means sometimes I talk to a sweater on my bed.

Errbody on the club canceling Disney+

Did we ever find out what the deal with airline food is?

Men are from Mars..Women are from it's none of your fucking business.

Drunk me is like sober me but with a snort-cackle laugh instead of something cute

I farted in an audio message for you Please respond

have you ever maybe considered being less ridiculously attractive so i could focus on other stuff jeez

I'm "we recently changed the screensaver on the projector in the bedroom, and I just yelled to my husband "these fish are so fucking magical" years old."

[my brain, 3:12 am] - jiminy cricket - flippity jibbet - rickety steps - skibidi rizz - ribbity jizz - flickery bits [sleeps through alarm]