I don’t even know who my mayor is

“whoever smelt it dealt it,” i say, after visibly shitting my pants in an interview

get my ducks in a row? have you looked at the state of the world?? im just happy they’re not on meth

I love Fall. The crisp air, the radiant colors, the bleak realization that everything dies

don't skip leg day theyre handing out free legs

i was a regifted child

some days, just as a thought exercise, i contemplate what it would be like to show charles ingalls around our modern world and i've come to the conclusion that he'd really dig tentacle porn

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

My best shot at lighting up a room involves a flamethrower

Can't babe, I need to go ask the mechanic what these emojis on my dashboard mean.

ME: [Watching Jack slide off the door to his death in Titanic] She left her boyfriend for a buoyfriend lol WIFE: *crying* I hate you so much.

Babe, of course I love you. I made you a lightsaber video.

Thank you all for coming, no more questions at this time [me, the Ghost of Meat Loaf, and Interstellar Robot Emily Dickinson climb into the gondola of our WeinerMoBlimp and fly off to Godzilla Island]

Not leaving this platform but now offering a digest of my posts in the form of a 3 page annual Holiday Letter

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about baseball? know the signs: NA: nice ass MTA: mmmm, that ass GMTA: give me that ass AAAAAAAAA: ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass BIOTIG: baseball is okay too, I guess

VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

When I was a kid there were no private phone calls, there was an eight foot leash in the middle of the kitchen where everyone got to viciously judge you.

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS GOO.

Digging up a shrub in the yard I unleash a geyser of gravy. Gravy rains down upon my neighbors as I trot around in a circle yelling YEEEE HAWWW and smacking my own ass with a gravy boat.

Do you ever drip dry in the shower for a while pretending you're a terminator that just arrived?

Reverse cowgirl so I can subtly remove the “kick me” sign someone taped to your back

Who needs enemies when you have your own thoughts

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

Making baby formula in the meth lab

Horror films with the plants. They haven't exactly strangled with tendrils the psyche of the modern trellis goer but I won't stop thinking of them like was I even raised on growing? "No more coffee for the both of us" laughs flytrap

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

STONE ROSES: ♫ i want to be adored♪ ME: wtf is a dord

in seasons of upheaval and pain, recapture the things that give you joy like the cool feeling of hemorrhoid cream on your butthole

*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please

ME [to the demon possessing my body]: I feel like lately you're just going through the motions, that your heart just isn't in it. THE DEMON POSSESSING MY BODY: *turns my head coldly away, looks quietly out the window*

Me [checking into the Hotel California]: anything I should know about this place? Clerk: well, for starters, it's pretty fucked up,

the seal on my mask is so good it's making me horny

on the phone with my Mom last night. “look at the moon, can you see it, in the east?” i asked. “yes!” a pause. “we’re looking at the same moon,” she added, lovingly.

bluesky should have a labeler for posts that are jokes

please make my gravestone a skee-ball machine and if you just want to come play skee-ball with no other type of grieving agenda that's totally cool with me (who is dead)

"Smidge" is short for "smidgeon" which is a small pigeon 🐦

i too once forgot how to like and reskeet like many of you

welcome to Yamaha. do you want a piano or a motorcycle?

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

You don't scare me. You're not baby groot

Back in the day you would start a video buffering go to war and come back to it only being 75% of the way there

why don’t they make medicine for when your heart hurts so much it feels like you’re dying for three weeks straight

I do not want to hug my mayor but I would like to hug yours.

Today's weather: - rain at times - there is no such thing as time - it is a human construct, meant to impose order on chaos - destroy all clocks and just live, for once in your life - bring a light jacket

imagine being in The Beach Boys and that one guy was always like, hey how about a song about surfing

gonna start wearing a hat so i have something to scream into