A smart bidet that plays a personalized jingle when it recognizes your butthole

I would play the lottery, but that costs money, and free lotteries tend to end with stoning.

super fun hearing my Vietnamese refugee parents talk about fleeing their own country again, very cool country we have here

Look just let me caress your soft skin with my calloused hands as we breathe in the scent of decaying leaves ok

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

[movie trailer announcer voice] it’s very hungry again. but this time… for blood. this fall The Very Hungry Caterpillar is back.

i cannot imagine any more worlds what is a house a loaf of bread a child holding a balloon when the world is crumbling grey rubble and ash and bone when a handful of powerful men can wipe millions off the planet and still enjoy their breakfasts still sleep soundly in their beds free palestine

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

Spite is as good a reason to stay alive as any

Every SCOTUS ruling feels like America slowly writing its own obituary in Comic Sans.

the person who steals the most cars tomorrow wins the rapture

Balls deep is the only unit of measurement I know

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

the last person to log off tonight is “it” I don’t make the rules

You’re at work. I’m farting in bed with my newborn. We are not the same

i only use punctuation when i am blind with rage

This time I not only forgot to zip up after pissing, I failed to tuck Mr. Joedangles back into his dark, cotton prison.

EVERY RAPTURE I SURVIVE MAKES ME STRONGER AND MORE BLASPHEMOUS.

cornnilingus. you heard it here first.

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

is it even a horror movie if you don't double check all of the locks on the doors in your house before you go to bed?

Jesus: No one can predict the date of my return. An apostle: Is it September 23, 2025? Jesus: Damnit.

i started cross-posting my shitposts to nextdoor and got a letter from the HOA??

with a little love we can make this amazon warehouse an amazon warehome

joy IS a part of resistance, you jerkfaced meanie

Scientist: You can eat one marshmallow now, or-- Me: *chewing noisily* Scientist: ... Me: ... Scientist: *takes notes* Me (mouth full): Did I win?

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

No I haven’t found Jesus, did you look behind the couch?

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

How can I skeet at a time like this.

I’m watching a commercial of people watching a commercial. I feel like one of my Sims playing The Sims

I feel like my skin is touching me too much

ok i get how we *feel* the noize [sic] because sound is a wave but how…how do we cum on it

it's super easy to live well you just have to be good as hell at suffering

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

Stages of trying to sleep: I can get 8 hours I can still get 7 hours I can still get 6 hours I can still get 5 hours I can still get 4 hours I can still get 3 hours I can still get 2 hours I can still get 1 hour *falls asleep for 5 minutes* *alarm goes off *

Me, sliding up next to you in the cantina on Tatooine: You know, technically it's not even a star. Really it should be called the Death Hypermatter Reactor.

[naked and stuck like a helium balloon against the Home Depot ceiling during The Rapture]

Nothing comforts me more on a foggy drive to work than the warmth of my check engine light

son of a cuss i put diesel in the school bus and not magic

some bitch showed up to my friend’s baby shower pregnant, like does it always have to be about you Jessica???

new dance move: phone in one hand, paper bag held up to my mouth in the other.

"well aren't you in a good mood," he complained.

I don't understand why someone will use the save feature on a silly post like “I farted through my peenus,” like, are you going to come back to read the discourse on it? Want to remind yourself to research penile flatulence later when you get off work?

Stands on rooftops: 📣 🗣️ 🗣️THERE IS NO LINK BTW ACETAMINOPHEN & AUTISM. IT HAS BEEN STUDIED FOR MANY YEARS IN MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. 🗣️THE ONLY REASON THEY ARE TALKING ABT THIS IS THAT THEY DO NOT WANT AUTISTIC PEOPLE TO EXIST. 🗣️IT IS EUGENICS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION IN THIS MATTER. -EmilyPhD

science fiction really reached its apex when they made aliens that look like genitals

eating pussy with my eyes open to maintain tactical awareness

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one