Living through these times is hard. I never know whether to lose my entire shit, or save a little shit for losing later when things get worse.

[creation of dads] god: (finishing touches) …and i’m done dads: hi done we’re dads god: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

“I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR” [hops away on pogo stick]

dried mango is the closest you can legally come to chewing on a man’s ear

Radically accepting that therapy can only do so much. Some of us need an exorcism.

you can fill your bra with tater tots no one will stop you

We stay up a little too late every night, hoping tonight is the night we might become bats, and shriek little ultrasonic shrieks of joy into the dark, for there are no more rules, or taxes, or carpets to steam clean.

Imagine someone under 21 being on Bluesky. It'd be like one of those weird boys who wears tweed and got a Master's degree when he was 13, and considers us all tiresome and pedestrian while he tinkers with a cold fusion device he made out of an old Speak & Spell.

I have a joke about zarathustra but it’s kinda nietzsche

Everything is awful ..except cheese. Cheese still good, you guys. Go eat cheese

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

if you’re one of the few people who can dm me and you don’t i wanna just say that’s a good call i’m really proud of you

Never trust anyone who is always smiling. Or who never smiles. Or who occasionally smiles.

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

reverse cowgirl so i can help you shave your balls

lets get strangerous

Filling all the lonely space with sand but then the sand tells me that it has its own lonely spaces and nobody will call water because the death of phone calls is why we're both so the unsaturated emoji

Sorry I gave you pigtails with your natural color in one and the other mixing strands of silver but my previous relationship was speaker wire

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

a great day to fart

If you can't separate the art from the artist, then somebody's going to have to explain to me what I've just done with this broadsword.

Doctor: you might have apnea Me: no, I'm intentionally not breathing

Offline people are like

me: i think we should see other people my chronic illness: (excited) oh you mean like a specialist or something yeah let’s do it

The surgery was wildly successful. Replaced my butt hole with a mini doughnut and now my farts smell like french cruller.

ceo: have we done any animal testing? me as a scientist: yes, sir ceo: and? me: they can’t even spell their own names

not to brag but i can still fit into the same size panic attack i wore in high school

Tornadoes are the penises of the sky.

Not only will I roast you, but I will sear you first for maximum flavor.

Sky Crush.

Before making any major decision, I find it key to rub my inverted nipple and my right ball exactly 23 times each.

outside the bar with my head on the pavement telling the guy i intentionally picked a fight with that he's got 2 minutes to stop beating me senseless or else i'm gonna grant him a 3 minute extension

The penis is the fingergun of the groin

squinting while looking at you to get a more flattering bokeh effect

(posting at 3am on earth) i’m not even supposed to be here

I have too many kids anybody want one

[yelling from the bathroom] siri, tweet “i no longer have the attention span for acoustic shits!!”

the only way his death will be a tragedy is if it is quick, peaceful, and painless

I don't think l'll make it out of March, I'm so tired. Go on without me.

“if you’re prone to losing things keep them in the same place every single time,” i whisper to the friends i keep in between my thighs

The most lackadaisical people on the planet are ahead of you in line at the post office

Sorry I farted when you were the big spoon

Got kicked out of the death cult for wearing too much glitter

Crab cakes are a scam, there's no way a crab could bake a cake

Using the power of my sharp nipples mother nature gave me to pick up trash on the side of the road

Letting the bones out to breathe.

Vampire: [goes to bite my neck] Me: nooooo don't make me super strong and immortal and sexy aaaahhhh

*screams into the void Void: you have a lovely voice

Come on bro, let me cry for you. I'll do it good, I swear.

Using the dimples on my ass as a serving tray for various sauces