Sometimes I like to just lay in bed for four or five weeks, and just really let the dread take hold in my soul.

shitting my pants three steps away from the toilet just to remind myself I’m alive

imagine playing hockey WRONG, more sex

early bird boyfriend, worm girlfriend

Chewing the glass from the bulb of my SAD lamp.

the first time a skeleton hand popped outta the ground and tried to grab me was shocking but I’m totally used to it now

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

I like to leave a lasting impression, like a book you can't put down or a grotesque wound that you can't forget.

[Batman voice] 🎶 Hot pockets 🎶

Part of me wants to open up sometimes, that part is my butthole

There’s some wet dude or other wandering around here

i think it would be sad when rutger hauer dies in blade runner even if he hadn't seen cool stuff

my question is what does your hatred of the shoulder pads in my power suit say about you??

Looks like the weatherman lied. He IS sleeping with my girlfriend.

What did I learn on the first day of my New Year fitness program... I'm not very flexible, but I'm pretty good at farting doing sit-ups.

I'm at the age where I sometimes can't figure out if someone is a smoker or their face is just falling off

growing barnacles on my buttocks so you’ll have a healthy snack when you’re all done back there

them: pick your poison me: a big butt and a smile

First thing I'm gonna do if I win the lottery is lock myself in the bathroom. Second thing? You guessed it, locksmith.

You smell like an old wet umbrella and your head is shaped like one too.

My favorite part of winter is waking up to my tongue feeling like a bit of old shoe leather in my mouth

made a music video that the studio says would beat out thriller if only I’d agree to cut the defecation sequence

me: *cleaning up after opening presents* whose front teeth are these

If you can buy your detachable penis back for $17 that's actually a pretty good value

They say revenge is a dish best served up cold, and they say revenge is sweet. So basically, revenge is ice cream.

i will only enjoy this browns win because arron rogders is such a pissbaby

it’s the most. wonderful time of the year with extra heavy sinatra accent

Fruitcake is the meatloaf of breads

Hey... Hey kid... You wanna see a run-on sentence?

My son calls them “kumsquats” and I don’t know if I should correct him.

We don't make balloon animals in this house. We make balloon vegetables. Here's a cucumber and a zucchini, you fucks.

trying this new thing where i'm vivacious

bringing over a jar of those frog things Jabba eats

we’re all in the same gravy boat

Youre telling me a devil fucked this egg?

"This reminds me of your dad" -Your mom, with her fist inside the turkey

So much to rant about... so little time....

however you celebrate this year remember: do not drop your phone in the toilet

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

colonizing your dad’s favorite chair in honor of the holiday

Let’s make this house arrest a home arrest

they should make a hug you can buy from someone who really means it

My favorite thing to do when it's cold outside . . . is not to go outside.

I may not be fluent, but I can be silent in many languages.

Don't be fooled by my Bluesky badassery. I'm probably just a guy named Todd in real life

I prefer solitude too much to compromise with the world.

I've been married long enough to know that healthy communication is only for divorced people.