Getting older means growing hair in weird places. Like, just last week, I spontaneously sprouted mutton chops at a truck stop in Des Moines.

Nose Encounters Of The Turd Kind

yeah yeah I'm coming, just gotta quickly go thru the internet and like 200 posts

Sent a pigeon through the tube at the bank. Boy were they surprised

It's okay to take this reality time to focus on what never came through and let it in because you know what they always say and it's curtains unless you rod up

Another day of running against earth's rotation to try to get it spinning in the opposite direction.

out of office reply: accidentally ordered my coffee from a dunkin in michigan so i should be back in like 5-6 business days

Just once i'd like to see two mimes having a huge argument in a library

All good here, just fumbling through the fog and mire.

I know this may come as a big shock but I've never put a second thought into any of my posts.

"Youth is wasted on the young." Yeah, unless they go pro.

I only go to gas station bathrooms in hopes of meeting the gatekeeper

i bit my lip at you pls respond

If I'm ever going to stage a sit in to protest anything you better believe I'm going to do it on a beach with a drink in my hand.

Just spotted my cock on the side of a milk carton

Wife bought a new scale that measures metabolic age and mine is 13 years younger than my actual age while hers is 10 years older. She called the scale sexist and somehow I'm in the dog house?

seriously though, what IS wrong with taking the backstreets?

*first-time houseguest commenting on my home “niiice….debilitating depression”

*repeatedly yells "representative" into the abyss

If you think you’re your own worst critic, have kids

I played Kid Rock backwards and traveled 79 years into the future

ME: my feet have red dots all over them DR: did you wear crocs to the beach again

Remember emotional support animals? They were delicious.

The first twenty people at my funeral can have a finger or toe while supplies last

you don't have to like it but we're all a little bit Linda

How about you, me, and this secured rewards Visa card get 1% back at Olive Garden.

my only goal in life is for someone to call me a wizard-ass looking mfer

If a bear manages to gain entry into your vehicle you can just walk to the weed store.

ok but can AI apply sunscreen to the middle of my back

trail cameras have ruined peeing in the woods

It would be kind of messed up if we find out bananas can feel pain.

you are the human equivalent of the t-shirt tag poking into my neck

My doctor said Mylanta…would be a beautiful name for a girl.

emo kid in the gym swearing his sweat is actually just tears

just my luck I start a hunger strike right before the bbq brisket whopper comes out

I am not a doctor, but I do have a PhD Pretty Heavy Depression

If you shit yourself on the bus, you shit yourself in real life.

My earliest memory is me accidentally electrocuting myself. It happened 10 minutes ago.

I know I said I’m not-throwinawaymy-shot but I ate a lil somethin and I’m just not as hungry as I was when I said that

per my dad, the first loser in history was some guy named Second Place

always terrifying when no one is there to bless you and you're just racking up unblessed sneezes

White House is denying tariffs are causing inflation, meanwhile cocaine is now cheaper than Starbucks.

they should make a rotisserie chicken you can vape

Are those your midlife crisis underwear?

My political platform largely consists of the belief that a hot toddy is far superior to hot chocolate as a nightcap in winter.

I have a bunch of dead spots so I feel you wifi.

*finds message stone in garden THIS GARDEN IS OK I GUESS 6/10

Thinking about buying an Amazon van so I can park anywhere.

if you don't get on board with AI you're going to be left behind when everyone else kills themselves because the new chatGPT release started including Kill Yourself as a step in all recipes and instructions

Little Caesars delivery guy ran to my door and I yelled "don't run with Caesars!" and he just said "what?" I've waited a lifetime for this setup.