Already thinking about all the glue I’m gonna huff at work tomorrow.

the bourne identity but instead of a highly trained super spy he’s a highly trained marionettist

Anyone who’s seen the lock ness monster is a witnessy

chewing on a milkshake

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you’re sacrificed to ensure a good harvest

Roommate thinks I didn’t notice he ate my swedish meatballs, but I wasn’t björn yesterday

Please never interrupt my TikTok therapy session again. My algorithm was five swipes away from diagnosing me and fixing my childhood.

When someone is knocking on your door trying to sell you something a fun game is to knock back but not answer.

the masculine urge to be a riverboat captain

hey I got you these lavendar bath bombs for your ongoing psychosis

i track the genesis of my anger issues back to when a commercial told me i should slap a mfer if they didn’t leggo my eggo

I get it, people who don’t like me. I totally fuckin get it.

huge line down the block at five below of dads returning their gifts

When your kids are young you’re a superhero. When they’re teens you’re a supervillain. After that your only remaining power is invisibility.

ok, just treat today like any other day just like we practiced yesterday

I put one of those 13.1 stickers on my car. Not for running a half marathon but for the number of hot dogs I can eat in one sitting

Tomorrow, all dads are 50% off

me: I got you this storage unit her: no not that kind of space

big foot should be called big feet. I saw the footage and that dude got two feet

Waiter: is Pepsi ok Me: well the divorce was really hard on him but I think he's finally turned a corner

*at the sex club Anybody want some spaghetti? My whole backpack is full of spaghetti.

[spread eagle in front of the mirror, completely alone] boooo we hate your pussy

enchilada induced coma

kicked out of a wedding just because my pocket square was a slice of cheese

doctor who slides into the room like Kramer and holds for applause before telling you your dad didn't make it through surgery

They don't tell you this before you get hired but you get unlimited bathroom breaks when you work at the shit plant

one day you wake up and realize discussing the quality of your puppy’s poop is your new love language

On this blessed Fathers Day my only wish for everyone is to pull my finger

getting all the other fathers in a rear-naked-choke until they tap you have to earn that BEST DAD EVER mug

"Its swimsuit season", I whisper, eating another swimsuit

Sucking on a helium cylinder to fool the bathroom scale

Me (at Longhorn Steakhouse, lassoing a ribeye from the table across the room): Yee-haw! Other patron: Hey, that's my steak! Me: I don't see yer brand on it, pardner *yoinks it off the plate*

Saw my neighbor on the trail cam doing naked karate

let’s take acid and live stream on our linkedins

Oh my god. Honey, don't move.

that’s me in the corner that’s me with a flashlight making my hand a pigeon

Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle

wait… we had the option of NOT showing up for our kids??

of all the stalls, in all the women’s bathrooms in the world, she had to choose the one next to me violently weeping into this loaded pistol

it’s Father’s Day so leave that thermostat alone

Happy Solstice, you absolute piece of shit.

the real problem with the reflecting pool is that it’s too accurately reflecting america rn

dm me if you want to see your dad get beat up by a girl

Sure, I can love my neighbor. But the guy two doors down? To hell with him.

amazing how one cum stain can ruin an entire outfit

It's Father's Day and the longest day of the year. That's so on-brand for the patriarchy.

i bet it feels amazing getting lit as a lightning bug

found this eerie, dimly lit hallway in the hospital and can hear someone softly whispering my name at the end of it????