Is it just me or is cannibalism a lot of work

I just want to be rich enough to donate a bench to a zoo

are the m&m guys in the commercials supposed to be who the candy was based on or it's just a coincidence they look like that. obviously they're not actual m&ms or their shells would crack when they talk. are they the results of Moreau-style experiments by the mars candy co.? were they once like us..

normalize accidentally letting your apron strings dangle behind you into the toilet water

Fun fact..marriage counselors get divorced as well.

[in church] thanks for joining us today, have a seat in a pew *finger gun battle breaks out* pew-pew pew....pew-pew HOLD YER FIRE!!!

huge chris gaines fan holding his koosh ball keychain up to a garth brooks CD so it looks like he's got bangs and gasping

slamming on the brakes and fishtailing into a sidewalk produce stand after being cut off in traffic by a 9 year old on an electric bike

I like the cut of your jib. It's a well designed sail. But your attitude is a problem.

I remember about 20 years ago, talking on the phone with my best friend for hours about nothing.... that sounds like a for real nightmare now.

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

which bad bitch got served divorce papers this morning, went and did two back to back interviews, and got offered a job this afternoon? THIS BAD BITCH 🙋🏻‍♀️💅

I miss 1993

If you look in the mirror and say "soy boy" 3 times, I'll appear and knock your fucking teeth out.

the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome

Nothing like a good cry to get the depression going

Most of your pet pictures are better looking than your selfies.

Subaru spelled backwards is ur a bus. Do with that information what you will

imagine getting vanilla sky’d and no longer being able to open any apps

*lips directly on microphone* A belt is technically a leather boa!

Doing art therapy (spray painting the toilet bowl with explosive diarrhea)

where is everybody who was kung fu fighting i think we need them rn

if dogs ran things we’d have smell-o-vision by now

by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives

i guess you could say i'm a gym rat but really i'd be just as happy chewing through resistance bands anywhere

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

Faith is very important to me. The problem is all the other guys at this strip club want her too.

hush little baby don't say a word and never mind that rustling potato chip bag you heard

Shower this morning wasn’t hot enough. My skin is still attached.

Breaking: Kid Rock scheduled to perform at the Iran War Halftime Show.

god, I know you’ve gotten me out of so many jams, but I come to you asking to now just let the world devour me whole

I can’t wear khakis unless I’m prepared to spend 20 minutes shaking the dew off m’lily

the nuns will grow stout tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow hefty nuns

Lowers my eye glasses for extra judgment.

The hospital refused to serve me Mountain Dew with my meals, Canadian health care is broken.

when i’m all done in bed i give him a gentle pat on the dick and say “hop along little meat puppet”

Fuck Calgon, I need the woke mob to take me away.

we don’t talk enough about how the detriment of narcissist abuse effects your IG algorithm

Sometimes a mental breakdown is the only excuse I have for my behavior.

But I meant fuckface in a good way

starting a petition for a weight loss experience where the ass gets smaller and the boobs stay the same size

i'm not sure if i've ever been right back when i said brb but no one really knows if that's when the aliens abduct me

referring to death as "killing the vibe"

Hiding the last of the cookie dough under my pillow

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I think it's OK to tell a woman that you love her more than pizza as long as you pretend to really mean it.

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.