them: get on my level me: best i can do is your nerves

go fish, your honor

Some days I'm really glad my life isn't filmed live before a studio audience.

I’m like a rose in that I would like you to toss me in an open grave.

I thought I was going to eat a chicken pot pie, but it actually seems to be full of lava and I’m in danger

Imagine meeting the love of your life and that person ends up being a challenge coin enthusiast.

lying to my mental illness that we make a good team

Oh I thought OpenAI meant we could see other AI agents, my bad.

*makes out with you under the full moon as a friend*

attempting to claw my way out of the darkest, most hellish recesses of my mind for funsies

Do you know what really makes me smile? . . . my facial muscles.

wild friday nights in your forties are about using a slice of cold pizza as a wrap for the blueberries and spinach in the fridge before they go bad

netflix and vaginal microbiome report?

have you really hit rock bottom if you don’t have a bathtub in your front yard?

No, I’m not flirting with you, I just haven’t slept in 5 days, I have no idea what’s going on right now.

no one bothered telling me whopper wednesday is back and I’ll never fucking forgive you for it

Butthole Water Skiers

does alt text allow enough characters to do a pair of twitter tits or is that too long?

respect to turtles for not being noisy

singing to my grill tongs like Sweeney Todd to his razors

“Summer of 69” is my third favorite Bryan Adams song about mutual oral pleasuring.

i don’t use numbnuts lightly and i stand wholeheartedly behind the billboard i raised of you

*rubbing foot of stranger in the stall next to me soo, what ya eat for dinner last night?

no thank you nudists, i prefer my nakedness to be apologetic, awkward, and fumbling about in the dark

(guy who doesn’t hit his Zs hard enough) great outfit dude, you got a lot of pissass

I’m not a loner, I’m just selectively social.

mom me & the boys are going to the old abandoned school at the witching hour to chant around a pentagram ok take ur brother

THERAPIST: And these boys, are they in town with us right now?

If you get scared half to death more than once, do you die 🤔

Things get real bad I'll eat the beans outta my beanbag chair

for earth day we should all take a shit outside

trump posts a picture of himself in a porkpie hat and all the ska heads lose their fucking minds

Squirrels have it made. They forage for food all day while doing parkour and when the weather sucks, they just stay in bed for days.

You know what's cool about technology? The fact that your kids who are hundreds of miles away can still interrupt you having sex.

It's spring which means it's time to clear out your old ear hairs to allow for new growth.

Most of my day revolves around how long it takes my meds to kick in.

based on this statistical model i made after licking 47 of them there are no daddies made of sugar

Me: I'm gonna eat burritos and watch The Pitt, hope nothing gross happens in this one Noah Wyle: OK PEOPLE WE GOT A NOROVIRUS OUTBREAK AT BURRITOFEST

My son’s solo project Laughing dropped the EP ‘Knuckle’ on Spotify today.. Go check it out

My cat has a British accent and that’s crazy cause he doesn’t even have a passport.

with all due respect your honor I did just say got your nose

one thing I will not do is complain *immediately chokes to death on the complaints lodged in my throat*

perpetually one self-help book away from fixing my life

is brianha a female brian, a human piranha, or both?

Ioad bearing vagina, is this anything?

"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

i fear that with all the flaming hot craze that everyone has forgotten about cool ranch doritios

my saturday’s are pretty much penciled in until our lord blesses me with the yard sale selling the perfect velvet depiction of his likeness

Do you ever black out for 48 hours and come to near a freshly filled grave?

BYOT.. bring your own toilet paper.