My life would be so much easier if I had a few minions.

I brought an email to this knife fight

if you see a testicle on the ground don’t just leave it there, be a hero its fellow genitals will reject it if it isn’t returned within 72 hours

You gotta keep the mane thing the mane thing Horses and some lions probably

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

i told myself i have delectable tiddies because kindness starts at home

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

When someone comes to you in utter despair with life altering debilitating news, it's important to reply with, "Same thing happened to me, only worse"

moustachioed and brimming with semen, i submit my body to the dark lord november

i have the gene that makes cilantro taste like pussy

"Are you okay today? You haven't posted a tree photo."

guess I’d rather taint everything I touch than touch everything with my taint

[extreme 40 year old voice] Hey google play The Lemonheads

not gonna make it to your party I blew the crotch out in my van damme costume last night on actual halloween

Being an adult means you just don’t care if there’s a monster under your bed anymore.

a remake of ocean’s 11 but this time they just try and steal some groceries

Have you ever thought maybe your cat pissed in your house slippers because you are always looking at ass on the internet when you could be taking her on a little walk to go see the neighbor's inflatable Zombie

Dislike me..harder.

Once you call out the wrong name during burrito you just stop using names 🏆👑 Congratulations @guytheguy.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

my 18yo son just dropped a new track makes his own beats and just keeps getting better and better

M: Are we to become enslaved and brutalized in a free country ? G: if you’re lucky L: anyone have a pebble to gnaw or a lavender satchel

Hey guys let’s just pretend he’s dead again that was funsies

you’ve some nerve telling me I can do better when I gave you my best

so.. you’re wearing that for the armageddon?

The sex needs a jump to recipe button

Me when anyone talks while I’m wearing my ear pods

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. One for practice and the other one is the "main" grave.

Seems like there are better places to keep proof than in pudding.

Doom scroll this bitch

Dysfunctional families.... the gift that keeps on giving.

I don’t build walls love I build labyrinths

My stripper name would be Frightens the Horses.

me: I want to have cum gutters like Jeebus. personal trainer: I think we should see other people.

my brain meat has gone off anyone wanna trade?

I'm not scared I'll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I'm scared someone will record it on their phone and I'll end up on a GIF.

i frequently open the internet, get distracted by one of my open tabs and forget what i was going to search for so no, your honor, i cannot repeat my statement

as prophesied, jesus descends from the heavens dripped out in a pair of jnco’s

ok maybe just push-start my heart

This year god is going to “spice up” fall by making leaves extremely heavy and very sharp

Forget *everything* you thought you knew about the 2004 Nissan Sentra

So much to do, so little intention of doing any of it . . . going to take a nap soon.

When I cross items off a list, it’s because I’ve decided not to do them

Autocorrect automatically adds imaginary when I type "friend."

Alexa, did they ever find out what was eating that Gilbert Grape fella

Wow, it really feels like fall. The season, sure but also of democracy as well.

I've really got to stop buying these generic brands. Somehow, this Hamburger Enabler just doesn't taste quite the same.

[making another hole in my belt] You are beautiful, no matter what they saaay

welcome to pair-o-dice city we’re glad you could make it here’s your pair-o-dice

At this point my retirement plan is spontaneous combustion.

I can’t believe the government is lying to us.