Nothing beats the summer heat like delicious, refreshing, frozen Russian assets.

news flash there’s no i in lots of words

Pooped three times already. It’s not even noon yet.

Live long and perspire.

I'm generally a pretty laid-back guy, but if my milk gets spilled again, you're going to hear some sobbing.

women love mango (men leaving)

Sure, I can love my neighbor. But the guy two doors down? To hell with him.

20 Jun 2026

the brady bunch relies upon the early deaths of two parents. beneath your frivolous merriment there lies a foundation of bones

The Strait of Hormuz is open…to the idea that stove stop stuffing is a viable alternative to potatoes.

I wish I had known that teabagging the reflecting pool would have such dire consequences.

The FCC would like to remind everyone that ham radios are not made out of ham.

The thing about the movie Face/Off is there really were a lot of easier solutions to their problems then taking their faces off and switching them, that’s why it rarely happens in the real world

There's nothing wrong with Trump's reflecting pool. A fetid marsh is actually the ideal place to reflect on your own shortcomings.

I feel ya, soup...I also thicken when starches are added.

June 18 is International Picnic Day. I’ll celebrate the American way: indoors, air-conditioned, and suspicious of nature.

16 Jun 2026

I believe children are the future, but only if they're painted silver and making beep boop noises.

Thanks to autocorrect, I went to a Hitachi wand restaurant instead of a hibachi restaurant. The place had great buzz, but I left starving.

we're putting in a roller coaster in the white house. we're putting in a mirror maze. we're putting in one of those spinny ufo gravitons. we're putting in a betting track for dogs and for horses. we're putting in a bumper car house. we're putting in a firing range. we're putting in a gladiator arena

well ?

Last night I watched a documentary on a guy who worked 60 hours a week crushing coke cans. It was soda pressing.

Which is the best airline: Cathay Pacific, Ziggy Pacific, or Hägar the Horrible Pacific?

I haven't read the news today, but I sure hope Trump can figure out a way to add a new racist layer to soccer.

Getting our heads crushed by THE Mark McKinney from “Kids in the Hall?” That’s the kind of content you can only get at @jkesselman.bsky.social’s and my new comedy Patreon, www.incontinent.show

My dog ate a bunch of my Scrabble tiles so I left him at the vets, knowing full well his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Being the first person in history to poop had to be confusing. "Was that in me the whole time?"

12 Jun 2026

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That’s why I keep my mouth shut about clowns.

Any chance we could get the children of Russia to complain to Putin about invading Ukraine?

The food at Subway is so good. It's like somebody looked at a shit sandwich and fixed the one obvious problem.

Orson Welles, more like "Person" Welles. The fellow enjoyed personhood by most legal and philosophical definitions

Nature is terrifying. Did you know a mature male Nile hippopotamus can consume up to 9,000 marbles per day?

Some call it “mo-cap”. I call it “some guy putting his tiny balls all over me”.

09 Jun 2026

Why was 6 afraid of 7? 7 is a registered 6 offender.

In the 20th century we laughed at burps. In the 21st we laugh at farts. Progress is beautiful.

Quick question: are men and women different in any way? I'm exploring possible avenues for comedic potential.

I couldn’t find a Hallmark card that said, “Sorry I sniffed your side of the couch after you left.” So, I went with “Best wishes.”

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

My first kiss was a religious experience. They moved him to another parish right away.

these are getting weird

My dad taught me to take my balls out at the urinal. “People notice effort.”

Ain't no party like the Whig Party, 'cause the Whig Party don't...hmm...actually, it stopped pretty abruptly in 1856.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever even used my Kindergarten diploma

Is there going to be another Woodstock soon? I'm in the mood to flip some porta-potties.

I’m just here to zing your butthole

The end is Nye. Here cometh the science guy.