Umm, is there still time to reconsider the whole Nobel Peace Prize for Trump? He appeared to have then been restraining his bellicose urges on the hopes of receiving it.

I'm a lot like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man in that I too break into museums and try to start a fire after learning distressing truths

I've seen enough. Clearly this experiment is working. It is time for a Michael C. Jordan.

Get thee behind me, Satan! And, while you’re back there, no butt stuff.

"Epic Fury" sounds like one of those goofy "artisan" hot sauces that got named that because the guy's girlfriend vetoed him calling it Anus Destroyer or similar

Oh gosh! I just got caught gooning with my kids' VR headset. Even more embarrassing, it was to Sonic the Hedgehog.

Why are you still slouching towards Bethlehem when you could longboard

I miss Ronald McDonald, and I regret ever saying anything bad about him, even though he fingered my wife while making eye contact with me.

mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son

I can't wait for machines to take over so we can fix the government with a Game Genie code.

Don’t you dare disrespect me! I’m wearing sweatpants and my boner will show.

Asimov's Fourth Law of Robotics: Have fun!

I need to mic my toilet because sometimes I miss the perfect snare sample, and that is humanity's loss.

[painstakingly transferring my bodily waste to the sink]

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Long sleeves: the reusable nasal spill solution.

Climate change won't kill us all. I'll be shoved in front of the subway train by a robot who simply wants to know how it feels to take a life.

Barney couldn't keep his mouth off Fred's fruity pebbles.

Love, lift us up where we belong…specifically out of this bed covered in cake crumbs.

The suspect is half man, half bird

Ninja is a great product name for blenders, air fryers, motorcycles, and other things famous for being extremely loud and not at all stealthy.

The stupid thing about social media arguments about social media is that everyone who has them is a 40 year old arguing about which site frequented by 7% of the population is more relevant, meanwhile everyone under 25 is on something called Blooble inventing new words to scare us with

Why do bees love panties? They're looking for a "cunny home".

Nancy 2/22/26… 🪱WOIMS🪱

ICE has totally muscled in on my hobby of emerging from unmarked vehicles.

To a crisp gotta be the most classic way to be burnt

How can we be certain that Jesus wasn’t white? Rome would've issued an apology and blamed the whole incident on a clerical error.

when I was a boy I gave away my last corn dog to another boy I had a crush on sometimes I think about that corn dog and wonder what could have been

Fact: bees love panties. This is a setup for an upcoming joke; just accept it.

My new aesthetic is "slutty grandpa".

mom: MEATLOAF IS READY

Duck l'orange is what you do if you see an orange coming at your head.

I don't know why everyone gave O.J. such a hard time. Most of the time he wasn't even murdering anyone. He should have been praised for that.

I remember when "manosphere" referred exclusively to the humid aura rising off beaded taxi seat covers in August.

Canada's curling performance this Olympics has been truly touching.

When life gives you Lyme disease, make Lyme disease-aid.

Hmmm... why didn’t Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, Don Felder, and Timothy B. Schmit just take the Ring to Mordor?

I've gone through my whole life without pooping on my shirt, but I'm nervous because I feel like I'm due.

the worst part of being informed is the being informed part

Don't hang out where cattle graze after midnight. It's pasture bedtime.

There should be a website where you type in your details and it tells you what the closest to Stanley Tucci you've ever been is.

Gallagher's career as an abortion technician was short-lived.

I go around fixing the spelling of "Hamnet" on the marquees, but no one thanks me.

16 Feb 2026

McGruff takes a bite out of crime; rich mouthfeel, bold finish...now dry food feels like a compromise.

I wanna move to the UK so I can casually use "cunt" in conversation.

Parents: don't throw away the BabyBjörn; in eighteen years it graduates into a hands-free keg holster.

Just because I'm covered head to toe in goat cum doesn't mean the goat is my lover. It's a lot more complicated than that, Dad.

Penis-shaped vegetables are corrupting our youth.