Tennis elbow is a pain, but I'd take it any day over pickleball-dislodged testicle.

Random House is my favorite publisher/bad burglar strategy.

Costuming got confused and dressed all the crisis actors in tights and codpieces.

"The pen is mightier than the sword!" said the dying guy with multiple pen wounds.

Really disappointed to discover that the shipping clerk at the fleshlight factory I ordered from was a big believer in “fuck it, send” :-(

"Here's looking at you, kid," said Humphrey Bogart as he ogled me from the next urinal.

Somewhere out there in an alternate timeline, edgelord Vader is subtweeting Obi-Wan in all caps.

Tricky IQ test 🤔🤔🤔🤔 Not many people get the right answer.

I just checked my feed for any references to Kirk that could come back to haunt me. Those trekkies are unforgiving radicals.

I wonder if tyre companies hate the Ab Fab theme song

Another labyrinth, another beast...and once again, Theseus could not find the Clitaurus.

I got a big envelope with "I hope this finds you well," and it contained dowsing rods.

I just tried a glory hole for the first time, and the only "glory" I received was this ribbon of shame.

Can someone explain to me why kissing a trophy is okay but frottage is not?

Therapy helped, but nothing healed me faster than the moment I decided to embrace the noid.

I bought a smart toaster. It knows exactly when to jump in the bathtub with me

i thought a labubu was a vagina injury

The yoga classes drained my wallet, but scooting on the rug like a hound keeps the toilet paper budget in check.

Ain't too proud to peg.

They say in comedy you should always punch up. Which is exactly what I was doing while positioned under Trump’s groin.

So that's definitely how you draw an adult woman's breasts, right? Right?

The real reason Trump is sending troops to Chicago is to reveal the loot in Al Capone's vault that was covered up by that fake newser Geraldo.

So glad ICE is in Chicago. The city is a lawless hell-scape. Blues musicians wrecking hundreds of police cars. High schoolers doing weird scientific sex experiments. Kids home alone during the holidays. Women killing their husbands and lovers and then SINGING about it sassily. This has to stop.

The glass isn’t half-full: it’s just my pee with a head on it. Stop analyzing and start sipping.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

They said it was a sad movie, but I came pre-saddened. Checkmate, cinema.

Everyday since I got a bidet, I thank God for how squeaky clean my ass is.

Whenever anyone mentions cranking hog I picture them winding up a big pig's tail like they're powering up an old model-T

Why won't they tell us if Mr. Peanut's dick is shaped like a peanut? I'm sick of filling out Freedom of Information requests

If Trump gets a Nobel Prize, I hope he remembers to thank the little people, just with less mocking.

03 Sep 2025

Bought a Fleshlight but gave it a few days. Didn’t want to come on too strong.

i want to be buried with a dye pack. just in case of grave robbers

Is no one else willing to admit that poop’s reputation as a smell is overblown?

With Labor Day behind us, today’s officially Postpartum Day.

Me: Well, I'm no expert. Him: But? Me: But what?

My teachers said I’d never accomplish anything, but I just pooped my pants without soiling my underwear.

Tried circulating air around the room. Apparently, I’m not much of a fan after all.

When I watch Bono sing in Italian, it looks like Robin Williams doing an improv bit. Is it just me or are they doppelgängers?

I wonder if Epstein is up there in heaven, charging people to molest cherubs.

Took me a while to figure it out, but my dog isn’t perverted... my leg just has strong hot dog energy.

29 Aug 2025

Although he's dangerous, I feel guilty for making fun of Vance, considering all the couches I've romanced over the years.

When is The Pied Piper 2 dropping? Surely the story doesn’t just end with mass child abduction.

28 Aug 2025

Comics matter—they shape our sense of bravery as kids, and we carry that into adulthood. Personally, I draw my strength from Garfield.

Instead of age restrictions on the internet, why don't they make a pornonet? A horny paradise where everything is porn.