You can fool half of the people all the time. The lower half…from the waist down.

get yourself a woman that likes the same flavor breath mint you like

that’s one long mermaid

I accused the hospital of improperly amputating my ass cheeks, so they offered a rebuttal.

I want a new year...one that does what it should.

There's a neat stack of freshly laundered granny panties next to me in bed I wouldn't mind moving for the right nacho platter.

One of the best to ever do it

Sure, you've stuck a finger up your butt, but every finger? I keep track so I can eventually platinum my ass.

I gazed upon my father's ancestral homelands today. I mean, one of his nuts popped out of his jorts.

King Croesus was the original 'heir-fryer'.

There’s a kitten rescuer whose videos I love, but she’s clearly been rescuing kittens for so long that she’s run out of cute names Every new video has the cutest kittens you ever seen, with a caption like, “Meet the Roofing Materials kittens: Tar Paper, Shingles, and Fiberglass!”

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat.

I think I’m finally ready to forgive Batman for starting COVID; it was a chaotic time, and everyone was experimenting.

The Dance Dance Revolution was 26 years ago and we’ve still yet to see any significant change or progress in Dance Dance Legislation.

I don't understand it. I'm always extremely punctual, yet every Bostonian I meet calls me "tardy".

Did you know that Sting's fuck style is formally known as "blue turtling"?

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

Be it in hand or in bush, thanks to inflation, a bird isn't worth shit anymore.

Celebrate Boxing Day the modern way: punch out an influencer.

BREAKING: Trump issues posthumous pardon to Hans Gruber

It's not kombucha... I just farted in your Pepsi.

Mr. Gorbachev, DECK THIS HALL!!

it's christmas eve don't forget to set your santa traps remember the goal is to maim not kill

Do you know whether they've sold the purple dildo that was hanging up there? Not the little purple dildo: the big one?" "What! The one as big as me?" returned the boy.

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the past, the present, and the future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. At least until the 29th, then it's business as usual.”

Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath? Do you now or have you ever liked big butts?

Eat your enemy's heart to gain his courage. His brain, to steal his wisdom. His nuts, because they're so nice and chewy.

I smoke weed on my porch to let the other weeds know what I’m capable of

I’m simply a Jim looking for my Pam. Jim being street slang for a solvent addict, and Pam being Pam.

I sorely regret saying that you should live with zero regrets.

Family pestering me to bring more rare fruits from the arboreal spirit realm after it imbued them with insane tree climbing abilities last time

How can I get my Yogibo cuck chair to stop making scrunching sounds... it's distracting.

Need a little wintry touch for your festive outfit? Dandruff! It’s got you covered!

Christmas is to fruitcake as Mother's Day is to creampie.

He's making a list, he's checking it twice; a lump of coal for you if you don't worship Christ.

I get it, Donald. I also left a "partial dump" and people were furious.

Crazy images in these files, sick shit going down

I tried to make cheese, but I don’t know which part of my body to squeeze.

Whether he's playing blackjack or visiting Epstein Island, Bill Gates always doubles down on 11.

the *click, click, click* up on the rooftop is santa flicking his bic to rip a bowl

I saw Mommy punching Santa Claus Underneath the mistletoe last night He shoulda known that Jolly gent Not to kiss without consent He never saw her left hook As across the room he went RS

Look, I'm sorry I put the bishop in my ass, but in my defense, I learned chess from a priest.

ACAB includes elf on a shelf

I still like Christmas, and I’m tired of pretending I don’t. Santa’s problematic, sure, but the work stands on its own, especially the early stuff before all the reindeer polygamy.

Me, waiting for Santa

I thought my penis was moderately liberal, but now I can see it leans to the right.

why aren't they throwing bread at me. what do the ducks have that i do not

Definitely up there with the great orators of US history. JFK could never.