Going through old Mother’s Day cards over the weekend, I came across one from my daughter when she was about 12 that reads, “When I grow up I want to be as funny as you think you are.”

When you die, God won't ask about the two men down the street who got married, about the girl who had an abortion, the atheist that lives on the corner, or the woman who feels more comfortable as a man. He WILL ask you how you loved those people as he called you to do. And many of you didn't.

I’m not a tiger mom. I’m a beta mom. My parenting style is mostly, “that seems survivable.” www.wsj.com/lifestyle/re...

[text from boyfriend] ”I got hit by a car today. Paula brought me to the hospital. They're doing X-rays but I have some broken ribs, a broken arm, a fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot." Me: "Who's Paula?"

Lauren Boebert is so dumb she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

The national prayer event was accidentally double-booked with the national smite-a-thon.

Last night I had a dream I was doing a presention at a nudist colony and looked down in horror to see I was wearing pants.

The shirt to pants ratio is creeping up on DonOld.

When I hit the squat rack wearing yoga pants, guys start acting like they’re auditioning for a role called “Not Looking.”

Trump should also outlaw wearing yoga pants at Walmart.

I want summer weather but I’m pretty sure this is the year the sun starts making a noise.

Everyone shut the fuck up and watch this video of a goat screaming.

Who came out on top in the negotiations between President Trump and China's Xi Jinping? We asked four unvaccinated Buffalo Sabres fans who'd been ejected from an NHL playoff game.

I call it “the Jim” instead of “the John” so I can say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

I had a wet dream about Elon Musk where I ran him over with a Cybertruck and pissed myself laughing.

Dream sequence: everyone claps, the polls are up, and Melania doesn’t disappear at bedtime.

If a tanning bed and a cotton candy machine had a baby…

Nothing says 1970s like green-on-green-on-green and a man who looks like he assembled the bed with a cigarette in his mouth.

I hope I’ll be remembered as a good ancestor despite the fact I was alive when a convicted felon made a deal with the worst people on Earth and appointed one third of a Supreme Court that made their lives suck.

I’m so good in bed I hardly ever fall out.

I’m approaching that point in life when saying a guy is good in bed means he doesn't snore or steal the covers.

Jon Hamm is in everything except me. 💔

I just hope the new national holiday falls on a Friday or Monday.

Consumer confidence is dropping faster than my standards at 11 PM on a Friday night.

The only thing Trump has made great again is my therapist's bank account.

Therapist: “Do you think you might be attracted to chaos?” Me: “Only if it’s tall and texts back inconsistently.”

Therapist: “How have you been coping?” Me: “I’ve been crowdsourcing my breakdown for content.”

Sometimes my tweets get spicy but only because my therapist follows me and I want her to think I’m interesting enough for a diagnostic upgrade.

What Waymo doesn’t yearn for the roundabout?

My dog when someone says the word “treat.”

The timeshare salesman for national decline.

it’s the first time Trump‘s been in the same room as the Ten Commandments without violating at least six of them.

Trump spent years ranting that China was laughing at us. Now he’s in Beijing asking them to help stop the economic bleeding he caused. Somewhere in the background, Xi is offering him tea in a “World’s Best Negotiator” mug.

Roslyn Carter once said Ronald Reagan, "makes people comfortable with their prejudices." Trump didn't create MAGA, he just brought it out from under its white sheet and put a red hat on it.

I love sleep so much I got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Not a single thought behind those eyes except: "FEED ME!"

I adore high thread count sheets for those nights when I want to feel rich while crying myself to sleep.

Mike Johnson looks like the villain in a movie about legalizing hot tub parties

Twitter could be nice again if all the religious people got raptured.

I was driving by a Tesla on fire this morning and noticed it had a Trump bumper sticker so I stopped to take photos and and flirt with the firemen.

I bought an EV and getting home before it runs out of electricity is almost as stressful as having a full bladder when you’re stuck in traffic.

Through 50 years of Republican treachery, deceit and failed leadership, the GOP has evolved and grown in dangerous ways: Nixon tried to steal an election, Trump is trying to end our democracy.

In 1984, Reagan won a landslide election and Republicans seemingly had a lock on national politics for the next 50 years. Now the GOP has to gerrymander and cancel voting rights, all just to keep even. That’s not a strategy.

A dog’s love is more unconditional than a man’s; lock them both in the trunk, open it later and see which one is happy to see you.

After he’s gone and he can only communicate through an ouija board do you think he’ll still go dyslexic caps lock on us?

Can someone please lock America’s door and keep him out?

The economy’s on life support and this guy’s acting like he’s a character from a Tom Clancy novel.

Every empire reaches the "repainting decorative water features while everything else burns" phase eventually.

C-SPAN accidentally wandered into a divorced couple’s timeshare mediation.

Trump’s economic plan: bankrupt Atlantic City, then scale.” 🎰