Brittle MAGA: Where masculinity is fragile and flags are therapy.

Trump’s healthcare plan: “Rub some Robitussin on it.”

Gave my Uber driver an extra big tip.

Dating these days is just background checks with dinner.

When your foundation shade is “nuclear sunset.”

“I don’t vacuum in pearls because I’m fancy - I do it because chaos needs structure.”

My dog, 2021 - 2024 // My dog, 2025 -

Do I need my go-bag, my therapist, or popcorn? Be specific.

This reads like someone describing their dream journal after overdosing on NyQuil and Fox News.

Legal claim: “Intentional infliction of emotional indifference.”

Remember when MTG was swatted and blamed the “violent left”? Turns out it was a couple of Romanian and Serbian guys who swatted politicians of both parties. They were extradited and one has been convicted and another awaits trial - Thomas Szabo and Nemanja Radovanovic.

Donald Trump doesn't just have a chip on his shoulder...he's got the whole potato.

I used "pegging" in a zoom marketing meeting today, thinking it meant targeting a donor group. I've never seen so many heads snap up at once at the use of a word.

Joke’s on everyone who said liberal arts degrees don’t prepare you for the real world - my studies in rise of the Third Reich now doubles as a survival guide.

Chuck Schumer accomplished so little in such a long period of time, you have to admire it.

If you're bleeding internally you just uhh call around and compare health care plans. Make a budget spreadsheet and see what you can afford. Do I have to spell it out for you. I have a ballroom to build

Librarian: "Can I help you?" Me: "Yes, I'm looking for a book about...“ Librarian: "Clairvoyance?" Me: "No..." Librarian: "That'll work one day."

I was just about to block someone who had "libertarian" in their bio until I reread it and saw they're a librarian.

Trump toured the memory care wing at the White House and asked an old man, “Do you know who I am?” The man smiled politely and said, “No, but if you but if you go to the front desk, they’ll tell you.”

Now kids can experience the thrill of tripping over a 12-foot cord and yelling, I’M ON THE PHONE whenever someone uses the microwave.

I’ve only posted one GFM, and it’s my intention never to post another. But this one is close to my heart. I know the family personally and have visited with them countless times. If you can help out, it would be great. If not, I completely understand - but a retweet is free. gofund.me/e44538b52

Reading about Kid Rock makes me doubt I'll ever be horny again.

Dreaming of a world where consequences don’t exist.

Turns out all those beer pong tournaments were just early leadership training.

The glass half full theory of last night’s disaster. talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/a-qui...

Schumer doesnt want to set a dangerous precedent.

Donald living the gangsta life.

Sprained my ankle at the gym today, which confirms my long-held belief that exercise is dangerous and naps are safe.

On an unrelated topic, if going to space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut then my last boyfriend was a gynecologist.

Trump getting booed at the Commanders game

It’s good to see the GOP finally embracing quantum mechanics, where both outcomes can exist until facts are observed.

"When you're going through Hell, keep going."

Remember: it's not the Democrat's fault Republicans are evil.

The only thing trickling down here is the tahini dressing.

States most seriously affected if the ACA subsidies aren’t extended and who they voted for in 2024: 🔴Texas 🔴Florida 🔴Georgia 🔴South Carolina 🔴Mississippi 🔴Tennessee 🔴Alabama 🔴Louisiana 🔴North Carolina 🥶California

A "vote on healthcare later" is D.C. slang for "never, but thanks for playing."

I'm normally pretty open-minded about sex, but I draw the line at anything even remotely involving a Republican.

Adam Schiff explaining to America why we keep dating the wrong guys.

No other president has ever done less, longer. Chart by @pbump.com

If God really intended that you go to church He wouldn’t have invented brunch.

I bought my Mom a Bloody Mary with brunch today, which seems fair since I’m the reason she drinks.

Ghislaine Maxwell is the only woman Trump has ever satisfied.

At least one woman in Trump‘s life has been satisfied.

“Private ceremony” is code for “nobody wanted to go.”

I apologize if any of my posts are offensive or inappropriate and by that I mean, you’re welcome.

My mom saw some of my racier Instagram posts and said for Christmas she’s getting me some clothes and a bible.

Evangelicals threatening to toss my soul into an eternity doing all the naughty things I love doing on Earth versus spending an eternity singing choir songs to some insecure carelessly cruel divine being isn't the flex they think it is. 🔥

For those of you struggling with your faith, please see this handy guide.

A rare moment of honesty from he who shall not be named.

I’ll bring the hammer if you’ll bring the nails.