According to Trump, the dinosaurs died off from Advil overdoses.

The thing about Tylenol and autism is that Trump is in the Epstein Files.

Good morning. Clean undies today, please. No one wants to smell you floating around during the Rapture.

Twitter will be nice again if all the religious people get raptured.

LeftBehindLandscaping: Your lawn won’t mow itself. $1,200 upfront and I’ll trim it till the Four Horsemen arrive. $2,500 if you want me to edge the sidewalk too. Follow me for more Rapture business tips.

If the Rapture is tomorrow and I don’t get taken at least I’ll finally get good seats at the Plaza Cafe in Santa Fe.

This isn’t my first rapture - I know the drill.

Now that only Liberals take Tylenol the only place you’ll be able to buy it is at the pot dispensary.

Tylenol: take two and you’ll still make more sense than a Trump press conference.

Trump: “I’ve never seen my brain, so obviously I don’t have one.”

I’ve never eaten kale and I don’t have autism, so clearly kale causes autism.

Dear Disney, I must apologize. I canceled my subscription in a moment of weakness, So I’m back. Not because of Baby Yoda, not even because of Marvel, but because Jimmy Kimmel deserves a standing ovation and a monthly subscription fee. Your once-and-future customer, SundaeDivine

Lauren Boebert gave a Democrat a hand job in a kid’s theatre.

WE ARE ALL CHARLIE KIRK!

Who would have thought that he’d be MORE annoying after he died?

I know everyone is wound up about our terrible politics and national tragedies, so here a free recipe for killer chicken. cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1025...

Kirk’s idea of authoritarianism: Biden wearing aviators. Kirk’s idea of liberty: Trump wearing a crown.

Do you remember the 21st of September?

I don’t mourn Kirk, because you can’t mourn a brand. He was less a man than a marketing funnel for hate, a walking QR code for bigotry.

If two Canadians fight online, there’s a 70% chance it ends with them making weekend camping plans.

Imagine explaining to history students in 100 years: “No, he wasn’t addressing America, he just butt-dialed his AG.”

Democracy is ending…great, now I have to fake patriotism AND orgasms.

Me: "May I get two scoops of cookie dough?" Waiter: "Of course- do you wanna spoon?" Me: "Sure, what time do you get off?"

Uber driver: “Do you mind if I put some music on?” Me: “Not at all.” Uber driver: “Kiss okay?” Me: “Let’s listen to a little music first and then see how we feel.”

A guy at the gym told me I looked familiar. I said, “Yeah, I get that a lot from guys who watch women minding their own business.”

Burglars are becoming very sneaky. Last night my boyfriend thought he heard something downstairs and I was already in the kitchen before remembering I don’t have a boyfriend.

Larry Flynt’s greatest legacy was making sure the First Amendment covers both Shakespeare and fart jokes.

Laura Loomer is the misfit toy even the misfit toys voted off the island.

Trump doesn’t want late-night comedy, he wants Jackass reruns.

Silencing smart people so dumb people won’t be offended is like unplugging the smoke alarm so the fire won’t feel bad.

👋👋👋👋👋👋

Paying Charlie Kirk’s family to get back on TV is like tipping the waiter who just spit in your soup.

I just spent 30 minutes trying to cancel Disney Plus only to discover I cancelled it months ago. Follow me for more trendsetting moves.

It stopped being about Charlie Kirk the minute he took his last breath.

"paging merrick garland"

Forget the Bill of Rights; Trump is working on the Bill of Wrongs, starting with the Worst Amendment.

If my pumpkin at Halloween doesn’t glow like this, I’m carving another.

Commenting on Charlie Kirk now is the new “liking a terrorist TikTok” - instant enrollment on DHS’s Enemies List.

Posting about Charlie Kirk is like hitting “reply all” in a CIA group chat.

Donald’s trip went well.

The midterm elections will be like a carpool where half want to drive to the movies and half want to drive off a cliff. Even if movies win, you’re still buckled in with cliff people.

“No, sweetie, there’s no plan to fix anything because the plan is to destroy everything.”

Don’t tell people not to joke about serious shit. It’s a coping mechanism for some of us. It’s how we aren’t constantly screaming.

London Mortified as Trump Flaunts His Flaps.

Dementia Don regales the royals.

Trump will hang Kirk’s lifeless body on a cross to score points.

Who could have possibly have seen this coming? Gifted article. www.wsj.com/economy/us-e...

Ideally, you’d want an AG who understands the 1st Amendment, but we are where we are. Gifted article. wapo.st/4mkpghK

If Duck Dynasty did a Marvel crossover.