It’s impossible to plan for the Fall because it could be either Autumn or the fall of civilization.

Simpler times.

Whoever decided “onomatopoeia” should be taught in 3rd grade was chaotic neutral.

Whoever invented the word “queue” and made four silent letters wait their turn deserves a medal.

I just boarded a flight to DC and the seating is wide open because a large group going to the psychic convention in DC cancelled at the last minute.

If "the coworker who microwaves fish" were a person.

Looks like an ad for a perfume called "Resentment."

Border Czar by day, Wasteland Czar by night.

My sweetheart best and most naïve friend in the world was just asked by our waiter if she has any allergies and she shared she's allergic to any and all forms of latex.

JD Vance addressing the adoring Greenlanders who turned out for his speech seems so long ago.

Trump’s first 250 days: the century no one asked for.

Trump sacrificed when he became president; he’d rather be in a golf cart, penciling in birdies before he even tees off.

Updated my Tinder profile to read: "If you voted for Trump in any election the only way you'll ever screw me is politically."

Now that he’s ended seven wars, lowered grocery prices, balanced the budget and eliminated the national debt, there’s nothing left for Trump to do except teach fish how to ride bicycles.

Hasbro is updating Monopoly by eliminating the luxury tax, charging astronomical rents, and waiving jail time for rich people.

I live alone so if I need to pee in the middle of the night before opening the door I always sing at the top of my lungs, “Sweet Caroline,” and just listen.

Me: "Sweet dog!” Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Never mind."

Does Tylenol cause childhood autism? We asked an elderly man dressed as Uncle Sam who drove 2100 miles to attend the Charlie Kirk memorial stadium event.

According to Trump, the dinosaurs died off from Advil overdoses.

The thing about Tylenol and autism is that Trump is in the Epstein Files.

Good morning. Clean undies today, please. No one wants to smell you floating around during the Rapture.

Twitter will be nice again if all the religious people get raptured.

LeftBehindLandscaping: Your lawn won’t mow itself. $1,200 upfront and I’ll trim it till the Four Horsemen arrive. $2,500 if you want me to edge the sidewalk too. Follow me for more Rapture business tips.

If the Rapture is tomorrow and I don’t get taken at least I’ll finally get good seats at the Plaza Cafe in Santa Fe.

This isn’t my first rapture - I know the drill.

Now that only Liberals take Tylenol the only place you’ll be able to buy it is at the pot dispensary.

Tylenol: take two and you’ll still make more sense than a Trump press conference.

Trump: “I’ve never seen my brain, so obviously I don’t have one.”

I’ve never eaten kale and I don’t have autism, so clearly kale causes autism.

Dear Disney, I must apologize. I canceled my subscription in a moment of weakness, So I’m back. Not because of Baby Yoda, not even because of Marvel, but because Jimmy Kimmel deserves a standing ovation and a monthly subscription fee. Your once-and-future customer, SundaeDivine

Lauren Boebert gave a Democrat a hand job in a kid’s theatre.

WE ARE ALL CHARLIE KIRK!

Who would have thought that he’d be MORE annoying after he died?

I know everyone is wound up about our terrible politics and national tragedies, so here a free recipe for killer chicken. cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1025...

Kirk’s idea of authoritarianism: Biden wearing aviators. Kirk’s idea of liberty: Trump wearing a crown.

Do you remember the 21st of September?

I don’t mourn Kirk, because you can’t mourn a brand. He was less a man than a marketing funnel for hate, a walking QR code for bigotry.

If two Canadians fight online, there’s a 70% chance it ends with them making weekend camping plans.

Imagine explaining to history students in 100 years: “No, he wasn’t addressing America, he just butt-dialed his AG.”

Democracy is ending…great, now I have to fake patriotism AND orgasms.

Me: "May I get two scoops of cookie dough?" Waiter: "Of course- do you wanna spoon?" Me: "Sure, what time do you get off?"

Uber driver: “Do you mind if I put some music on?” Me: “Not at all.” Uber driver: “Kiss okay?” Me: “Let’s listen to a little music first and then see how we feel.”

A guy at the gym told me I looked familiar. I said, “Yeah, I get that a lot from guys who watch women minding their own business.”

Burglars are becoming very sneaky. Last night my boyfriend thought he heard something downstairs and I was already in the kitchen before remembering I don’t have a boyfriend.

Larry Flynt’s greatest legacy was making sure the First Amendment covers both Shakespeare and fart jokes.

Laura Loomer is the misfit toy even the misfit toys voted off the island.

Trump doesn’t want late-night comedy, he wants Jackass reruns.

Silencing smart people so dumb people won’t be offended is like unplugging the smoke alarm so the fire won’t feel bad.

👋👋👋👋👋👋

Paying Charlie Kirk’s family to get back on TV is like tipping the waiter who just spit in your soup.