Trump's fireworks will push air quality into “very unhealthy” range with fine particulate pollution. People are warned to limit outdoor exposure, and to use N95 masks. This isn't a fireworks show - it’s a Superfund site.

🙏 lead me not into temptation…oh Jesus, who am I kidding…follow me I know a shortcut.

My parrot's last words were, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I’ve seen better turnout at a CVS flu shot line in July.

July 4th is a celebration of a great nation made up of immigrants who seek freedom, democracy, and equality. MAGA should start their own national holiday since they stand for racism, Christian Nationalism, and fascism. January 6 seems like a good date for them.

Trump’s presidency is just a side hustle with nuclear codes. www.wsj.com/finance/trum...

My idea for Supreme Court reform: fewer Catholics, term limits, and nobody gets confirmed unless they can explain the First Amendment without reaching for holy water.

It’s so hot outside I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

She wants to know if euros come in dollars.

My bedroom fantasy includes fresh sheets, cool pillows, and no one asking where the TV remote is.

It’s kinda fun watching him age like a banana in the glove box.

Sean Duffy reporting from the world’s saddest company picnic.

Just shocking this was a 5-4 ruling. This Court is so so badly broken.

Cashier: "Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?" Me: "Holy shit, yes of course…I had no idea we were that close."

Bought some fireworks today and I wasn't sure I'd picked out the right stuff until the salesman smiled and high-foured me.

Protect women’s sports from whatever this is.

I just parked at my new therapist’s office and it appears they have a special going on.

My personalized ads know me better than my family, but somehow still think I need tactical cargo shorts.

“Stop the steal” was apparently more of a how-to seminar.

Sometimes the truth escapes like a cat through a door you thought was closed.

New GOP Bill Requires Women to Be “Hot but Approachable” in Public Spaces.

Kids grow up so fast these days.

The best part about Trump being alive is that after he’s dead every day will be a day without Trump.

I don’t mind dating older guys as long as they remember my name and where we parked.

My butler called in sick today and I eventually made my own coffee once I figured out the coffee machine wasn’t voice-activated.

Trump is so old he remembers when the Dead Sea was just sick.

The Rapture took the crowd and left the porta-potties.

We’ve reached the inception chapter of our war saga, where we are making deals to save deals that might lead to a bigger deal. by Niall Ferguson

Sons of Arthritis

Dr. Bronner’s for people who think the deep state controls sprinklers.

Natalie Harp may not be serving up cooch to POTUS, but she is serving up nightmare fuel to whatever’s left of his frontal lobe.

Atheists have better sex because nobody’s watching.

Shoutout to the 15 yr old on a skateboard who called me a goth milf on my way to dinner this evening.

Me, typing "Natalie Harp" into Google: I bet she's going to look like Ivanka!

Lara Trump sounds like a goat trapped in a tanning bed.

They’re calling it the Great American State Fair because “Outdoor Felony Sauna” tested poorly.

The only thing that dropped faster was her smile when Donald reached for her hand.

The Great American State Fair: where the deep fryer is hot, the turnout is cold, and the grift is room temperature.

My greatest fear about death is being reintarnated as a hillbilly.

MAGA has entered its clearance rack era.

God didn’t send Trump. America butt-dialed him.

They could’ve held this in a Cracker Barrel parking lot and still had room to spare.

“You're still a rockstar" I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin & climb in bed at 9:45.

My attractive new neighbors, Emily and Michael, keep dropping hints about a threesome. At this point I'm 50% flattered and 50% worried they just need help moving a sectional.

Donald Trump’s Fyre Festival Happy Meal.

“The Masked Vigilante’s Return” sounds exciting until you realize half the episodes are him arguing with CVS about his prescriptions.

“AI made it look like I had a threesome with AOC and Ilhan Omar.” Sir, I know a lot of men who would call that a wish board.

Donald Trump deserves the Nobel prize prize for ending 47 years of war between the United States and Iran. by Marc Thiessen

Trump’s idea of a wild afternoon is waking up confused but refreshed.