I don’t know who Ro Khanna and Tom Massie’s parents are but goddamned I’d be proud if I were them. They raised their sons right.

Daughter just texted me she's on holiday in France and was awarded honorary citizenship for eating 48 oysters in one sitting.

Crayola is considering renaming “Burnt Sienna” to “Bobby Glow.”

My 12 year old nephew just texted me that you can put the word "anal" in front of any model of Ford car and it makes sense. His favorite model is the Anal Escort but mine is the Anal Freestyle.

A void within a void. Queen of the Voids.

Right-wing commentator Chris Kohls defended Trump's racist post by throwing his white friend Joey under the bus

Calling the FCC because a halftime show had rhythm is like calling Animal Control because a dog barked.

Historic run - every institution snapped like a cheap ski pole.

🥇🥇🥇

The origin story of “move fast and break things,” was apparently, “move fast and irritate the neighbors.”

Update: My Mars condo has been canceled after the stunning discovery that Mars is too far away and unlivable. Deposit still good for a moon cottage or a flying car. No refunds, obviously.

Fox News issues emergency blanket and cocoa advisory.

Elmo wakes up to spread love, learns immigration law from a guy with an eagle avatar and a Punisher skull.

”An affront to the greatness of America,” says man whose signature dance move is standing still and clapping like a confused seal.

“Complete and total exoneration.”

Kid Rock looks like he smells like Marlboros, Axe body spray, and unresolved resentment.

Kid Rock is the human version of an above-ground pool.

You guys I think I’ve found a solution to our problem.

Shout-out to my self-aware followers; you know who you are.

BREAKING: The Epstein survivors are releasing this ad on this Super Bowl Sunday to send the message that they will not “move on” from the largest sex trafficking scandal in the world. #standwithsurvivors

Super Bowl weather report - 100% chance of melting broflakes.

After leaving him for a week with my grandparents.

Rigged elections, paid protests, fake science…yet somehow the spray tan is real.

There was nothing left to break.

Trump makes a surprise appearance to demand his trophy.

Gonna tell the kids this was the 2026 Super Bowl alternate halftime.

Sasquatch spotted near the West Wing.

I can't wait to get home and open a bottle of dinner.

I went out last night with a dyslexic experimental physicist (sorta like a quantum mechanic) who was so excited I knew about the Higgs boson he sprung a hadron during dinner.

Me: [to waiter] "How do you prepare your duck?" Waiter: "Nothing special, we just tell them they're going to die."

Anthropologists thought this was an ancient depiction of a bull but then someone pointed out it was actually Trump playing golf.

The same Republicans who fainted over a sneeze guard now applaud a wrecking ball.

It's so cold in DC that Donald Trump got excited when he heard it was going to be in the teens.

Nothing unites America like uninviting half of it.

Discombobulation implies the existence of combobulation.

What if instead of counting on a redistricting plan to save him, Trump pursued policies the American people want. Instead, he’s running the boldest experiment in modern politics: can you win elections by antagonizing everyone except the people who already bought the hat?

HAHAHAHAHA. Gifted article HAHAHAHAHA www.wsj.com/politics/ele...

The only constituency where collective crying counts as a mandate.

Ted is shocked to discover that rules he enjoyed no longer enjoy him.

The official posture of 2026: reclined acceptance - I stopped fighting reality and upgraded my lumbar support.

Trump is a dick with a cult and a combover.

The Discombobulator™️ has been classified as a weapon of mass distraction.

Take that @markhamillofficial.bsky.social 🤣🤣🤣

The Ribbon of Death isn’t a ski run - it’s gravity filing a restraining order against humans. Think I’ll stick with base jumping. www.wsj.com/sports/olymp...

You can’t buy happiness, but at least you can spend $44 Billion to publicize your midlife crisis.

Any Democrat who votes for ICE funding without restrictions should have their blue check replaced with a shrug emoji.

The Supreme Court hasn’t ruled on Trump’s tariffs because they’re scared stiff. Rule for him and admit you’re a hack. Rule against him and anger Trump, billionaires, and the MAGA mob. So they stall. Cowardice, with robes. 💣

Thank you for the 30 day free trial of 2026 but I’d like to cancel my subscription.

Here’s to 2026!

ER staff watching Mitch McConnell being hospitalized for flu.