I can't decide whether Easter or Halloween is my favorite zombie related holiday.

If Jesus knew my Friday night plans he’d just roll that stone right back shut.

Trump’s approval rating is dropping faster than my standards at 11:49 on a Friday night.

Trampolines used to be called “jumpolines” until Lauren Boebert jumped on one.

Happy anniversary. I’m not broke, I’m liberated.

Nothing says “almost done” like committing to do more of the same.

Evangelicals threatening to toss my soul into an eternity doing all the naughty things I like doing on Earth versus spending an eternity singing choir songs to some insecure and carelessly cruel divine being isn't really the flex they think it is. 🔥

Jesus usually doesn’t personally walk all the bad people to the gates of Hell, but He’ll be making an exception for Trump.

If Republicans have Jesus on their side why do they need all those new restrictive voting laws?

To my friends Scott and Katie who voted for Trump - fuck you!

Nixon: 24% approval. Trump: 31% approval. America: “We’re grading on a curve, and it’s still an F.”

I almost stroked out listening to this.

I do not like that man named Trump I do not like his bloated rump I do not like his war decrees That drift like smoke on foreign seas He drops the match, then claims he’s calm Calls chaos peace, calls fire a balm I do not like him, not at all A neon ego on the wall

I realize this may not be a good time to mention this but Donald Trump once gave an address to 1500 Conservatives in front of a fake presidential seal containing the Russian Eagle and a set of golf clubs.

Drinking game - "nuclear" GO!

Maybe Trump will resign tonight.

Big shoutout to Artemis as they escape Earth while we have to stay and listen to asshole Trump.

The Orion spacecraft is basically a high-tech RV, except every wrong turn is 238,900 miles long.

While the news cycle screams, two rescue labs just found a forever home with the Bidens. Boo and Scout don’t care about politics, just tennis balls and dinner time 🐾

Just so you understand, this is as if you prepared for argument in front of a panel that included Cookie Monster, and Cookie Monster asked you a question about cookies, and you had not thought about cookies in advance.

Polling like this usually comes with a chalk outline.

I just boarded a flight to Boston and the seating is wide open because a large group going to the psychic convention in Boston cancelled at the last minute.

April 1st is when 911 dispatchers quietly switch from “state your emergency” to “convince me this isn’t a bit.” 🎭🚨

April Fools this year is such a non-event because, at this point, I’ll believe anything. Nothing really surprises me anymore.

Hey wait! Didn’t we just have a Wednesday last week?

I only pretend to have a therapist so I seem cool on Bluesky. I’m not even honest with myself, so why would I pay a stranger to lie to them?

Therapist: "Who can I call in case of an emergency?" Me: "Well, you can call me I guess."

Me: "I'm seeing someone." Therapist: "Is it serious?" Me: "He narrates everything I do in a British accent, so yeah.”

Me, meeting my therapist’s new intern.

My therapist said it isn’t depression, it’s ennui, which is just depression wearing a beret.

The New York Times could end the Pitchbot account tomorrow. All they’d have to do is stop writing headlines.

Whether it’s Kristi Noem getting Mar A Lago face or it’s Bryon Noem wearing enormous fake breasts, the Noems have emerged as unexpected practitioners of gender affirming interventions.

I'm sure President Newsom will build something tasteful.

Donald Trump pays less in taxes than I spend on the anxiety meds I take because of Donald Trump.

I’m just glad Cricket isn’t alive to see this.

When your phone unlocks with Face ID out of sympathy.

Accidentally went commando today and suddenly it’s like the universe upgraded me to First Class with no explanation.

The Dow called. It wants an apology from 77 million people.

America: shoots $1.2 million missiles at $400 drones. Also America: can’t find $7 for school lunch.

Rubio discovers the concept of misplaced priorities.

You knew this was coming. 🤣

Therapist: “What’s the worst that could happen?” Me: “Do you have an hour?” Therapist: “I have 50 minutes.”

Send Trump to Iran.

“We’ll send you an invoice” is a bold strategy for a war nobody ordered.

Nothing says peace talks are going well like including a backup plan titled “Total Obliteration: The Sequel.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene grabbing breakfast.

Make Easter easier by uncrossing the t and dotting it instead.

I’m trying to re-home a poodle that barks A LOT. If anyone’s interested I’ll hop over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

I screamed the answer so loud a neighbor called the police.

Trump voters wanted cheaper eggs but got $200 oil instead.