Life is like a box of chocolates: cut it in half and see what's inside first

Am convinced "people watching" just means "staring at hot people with your sunglasses on"

When he dies, a huge percentage of his supporters will instantly turn against him & say they never liked him & it will be hilarious

Yes, but it's a dry depression.

Remember how right after we won World War II we kept bombing people for "two more weeks"?

We will keep going until we meet our objectives. Whatever they are.

How is all this "winning" making anyone's life better?

Not to brag, but I remember where this bruise on my leg came from

"Why do you make a cross of syrup on every pancake?" "It is risen."

They should have a dating app but for you to find an emergency contact.

The terrorist activity is coming from inside the house.

He's such an idiot. It's impressive how thorough and complete it is. There's not a thing that comes out of his mouth that isn't arrogant, crude, ignorant, and mean spirited.

April fool's is only slightly less fun than Arbor Day

Kit AND caboodle? In this economy?

Go home, Olaf. You're drunk.

My son's soccer practice is way faster when I get a beer rather than walk laps around the track

No time to explain. Does anyone have a giant burlesque sized champagne glass I can borrow?

I do still believe we all have more in common than not, except for the part where you think the criminal idiot liar manbaby who is destroying the economy and might get us all killed is a "winner"

To be fair, kitkats are pretty great

Vitamins F through J need a better publicist

The thing is, why would snakes even be in a can of peanut brittle? Who is eating peanut brittle out of cans?

People be like "I have anxiety and insomnia" but drink 3 coffees a day

JESUS: *holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up hotdog* this is a sandwich lol JUDAS: ok that DOES IT

Clown College is fine for a clowning bachelors, but you really need a reputable Clown University to pursue a clown doctorate.

kill the wordle in your head

Even though some kids deserve to be whacked, we don't do it because hiring a hitman is expensive and illegal

Whoever named these should get to name more things

The civilized world hates Donald Trump. No Kings Day

i love people who put their phone away when you’re spending time with them

God save me from the places I put things for safe keeping

Instead of "how are you", I'm just going to start asking people if they found everthing ok

what if it happens today?

If Jesus was a modern political figure, conservatives would absolutely hate him. Love your enemies? Feed the poor? Alright, snowflake...

I like having a president who speaks his mind. I just wish his mind wasn't a piece of shit.

Ask them about beets. Everyone has strong opinions about beets.

I'm not saying anything new but everything he acuses others of is something that he has done or wants to do

The garbage truck is a coward who refuses to engage me in combat

It doesn't matter if you think I'm an asshole because I already know in my heart that I am an asshole

Monday: *exists* Me: *serves a Cease and Desist order*

The dividing line between gen x and millennial is whether seeing someone smoking inside would shock you

Emails should at least have to count to 100 before trying to find you

True leadership is controlling the white house, congress, and the courts, and yet still blaming other people for the problems you cause

I would like to sell out now please

He's such an idiot that I don't even need to say who I'm talking about

Ariel's first mistake was wanting to be where the people are

I have a cute butt, but the cashier at Walgreens did not seem interested in hearing about it

Your text message is not as clear as you think it is

Organic food looks just like regular food. They should add extra dirt to it or something to make it feel special

Remember when presidents would resign in shame?