Just imagine what the score would have been if we didn't cheat

Naked as the day you were arrested

If "I told you so" was a drug, I would be high as fuck all the time.

We are all soccer experts now or "sexperts" as they are known

The American flag is fucked out

Tater tots are what happens when potatoes choose joy instead of responsibility

the final score of the game is 86-47

My gynecologist asked if I had protection. I said, “Yes, my personality usually handles that.”

Helen of Troy would have had so many Instagram followers

Crust is bread skin.

If you fall out of a plane in real life, you die in real life

Two words: hot dog jerky

Describe the economy in a single sentence

Be nice to everyone You never know how badly they have to pee

God lives in Canada

This looks like a trap

anything has negative calories if you chew it long enough

Hair doing this:

i've never met a podcaster who i wouldn't divorce

It was the best of times?? When the hell was it ever the best of times?

RIP funny thought I had while driving

I got so much done today, it was terrible

just found out that if you get hit by a train, you die

There is visually no difference between walking through a spider web and being functionally insane

Say what you will about the Fyre Festival, at least it didn’t completely humiliate an entire nation on its 250th birthday.

It's weird when people apologize for their edgy jokes in real life as if neither of us have ever been on the internet

“Intelligent design”? How absurd. Just look at this hangnail.

Ama (except why there is protein drink all over the kitchen)

I was gonna do it but then I remembered I didn’t want to.

i like to help senior citizens traverse busy crosswalks by setting off a bunch of firecrackers behind them

Pizza Stone should be an amulet that summons pizza not just a flat rock for your oven

apropos of nothing, I decided to try this drink and it is, word for word, exactly what it says it is and neither my brain nor my mouth knows how to process that

They just arrested Forrest Gump for defacing government property

so what’s the endgame here? do we just keep writing these things until someone forcibly institutionalizes us?

I have a baby face All wrinkly just like a newborn

happy our jokes are funny for one day day

My son wished me a happy father's day by asking where his ipad is

Forget shampoo. I need "no more tears" whiskey and waffles.

It's funny how I wouldn't give a shit about the reflecting pool if everything else was amazing

Eating Oreos without pulling them apart because nothing even matters anymore.

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

Screaming various curse words into tiny jars and arranging them alphabetically.

I left my whimsy in the car

If you think im anoying now just imagine if i could play the banjo

There are like three people who actually care about you, and apparently one of them is not the Walgreens checkout guy

All I'm saying is that the package for anti-diarrhea medicine should be easier to open.

He drained the swamp into the reflecting pool