Just going to start telling people I used to be in the Spin Doctors

Googling "is milk good for you" because I genuinely don't know anymore

Do you even come in like a wrecking ball, bro?

Some really striking numbers in this new survey showing the flip in European public opinion about America. But bear in mind this is only Western Europe. In Eastern Europe, it has been harder to take the blinders off peoples' eyes. www.theguardian.com/world/2026/f...

These ads are your fault for making me google "ski jump penis"

Birds: tweet tweet tweet Other birds: you sexy mother-effer

me: crawls to freedom through 500 yards of shit smelling foulness you can't imagine gym coach: keep your core tight

I found a contact lens in my ear this morning. I will be taking no more questions at this time.

Can we just skip ahead to the part where everyone is embarrassed about their broccoli haircuts?

I bet that Canadian polical cartoon I just saw is funny

Mo’ money, mo’ problems ergo No money, no problems

in some cultures, not being verified is a sign of respect

Some sort of organization that reports "news" should write about how the federal government has declared war on various states. I feel like this is a story people would be interested in.

If it happens once, _maybe_ it is a tragic accident, but now it is an intentional pattern

Saw a guy driving the wrong way down a one way street. I gestured wildly at him, but he just kept on going, which clearly means "guy driving the wrong way" took one look at me and thought, "look at this nut job"

A reminder to the news media: “conflicting accounts” is what you say BEFORE the incontrovertible video evidence appears. After that, your job is to ask why one side is lying, not to repeat the lie and pretend no one knows the truth.

i think the "immigration turns high trust societies into low trust societies" people were already on really shaky ideological ground but now they're watching neighbors helping one another and calling them paid antifa agitators

ngl batman would be so fuckin mad rn

All of this blood is on his tiny tiny hands

Abolish ICE is now the moderate minimum position, Prosecute ICE is where Dems should be at next.

In 8th grade my crush asked my favorite season and I said “black pepper.”

Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me. Unless you tell me to go to bed. (I’m already in bed)

This beer says everything is going to be ok

I don't like to get the baby spinach because then I feel even worse when it dies in the fridge

every night

someone pls go on a walk for me but send me the health benefits

Overheard: "I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation."

Pining for my dead Christmas tree.

The pill I use every hour to control my appetite requires me to take it with food.

I may be the only person never to get sick from taco bell, but only because I never go there

Interviews in 2006: wear a tie Interviews in 2026: maybe wear shoes

I think I'm really into young comedians, and then I find out they are like 37

how many winters of discontent must we get

A cauldron is actually a very practical kitchenware item if you're ok with people making certain assumptions about you

Dear automakers: Please give us more than six choices in car colors. Your shit is boring.

People should glow red when they are interested in you. It's the only way I would ever know

Being an adult is just being able to afford a bunch of candy you can't eat

i’m a professional dilly dallier

My toxic trait is forgetting why I followed anyone on Instagram

It's not like I want to go to the donut shop every day. But whenever I leave, the lady there says "see you tomorrow"

a blue whale’s anus can stretch up to over 3 feet making it the 2nd largest asshole in the world behind jd vance

He's definitely running the country like a business the way he is fucking everyone over

The only way the president could be any more evil is if he started a ska band

Well at least I'm not a man who does backflips in public

America needs an archeologist with a whip

Love your enemies Do good to those that hurt you Shoot them in the face if they disagree with you

are there any goody one shoes

I wish you could at least pick a charismatic despot with charisma

the computer used to have its own room