I spent so much time watching to see if the squirrels had opened their presents, I forgot to clean for my guest.

I just need your sizes

My sixth sense is always knowing someone doesn't want to be in an exit only lane before they do

IT FINALLY HAPPENED I AM ON A PLANE WITH A BABY WHO SAYS “HI” TO EVERYONE AS HE GOES DOWN THE AISLE

The elves on my shelf are only for target practice

As a kid, I could never understand how an adult could have a full bowl of candy on their coffee table and not eat it all. As an adult, I still can't understand it.

a scepter made of bologna

I am this many years old

I find you don't have to say "sister suzie sitting on a thistle" that often

disney should go back to making movies about how it’s ok to steal from rich people

Stockings actually make a great stocking stuffer

Gift Cards are actually the worst gift.

So apparently you are only allowed to talk about your "favorite" boob if belongs to you

What I like most about townhouse living is hearing my neighbor begging her dog to take a shit so they can go back inside

my brain is running on Windows 95 and someone just clicked solitaire

DID OUR PINKY SWEAR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

i wish a motherfucker would (have a lovely day)

After a person is unmasked as a serial killer, the neighbors always say he was quiet and seemed nice. So at least I know my neighbors aren’t serial killers.

Settle the debate. This is: A) A Sleigh or B) Two Random Strings of Lights

Going to announce I'm not drinking so I can suddenly get invited to a million parties

Monopoly: Your monthly rent is $8 Also Monopoly:

Is this shit posting? I feel like this is shit posting

no chatgpt for me, thanks. i will be asking Zoltar

Pluribus is the most boring show that I like

All of my ideas for making money involve time travel

You will be visited by 3 ghosts

I'm just glad Emily in Paris is so far away

I don't know which, but either Stanford or Stamford is spelled wrong

Remind me never to piss off Vanity Fair

Posting butt pics and demanding "Is it cake?"

Ignore my point and argue past it harder

Kids were new on the block so your boys could backstreet

but do you “take your dishes to sink“ love me

Ever since I was a kid, I always knew I wanted to live in a galaxy far, far away

“Here’s all of my crazy, what do you think?” -me with a new therapist -also me on a first date

Do people who drink eggnog know it’s reindeer semen?

"All I Want for Christmas is You" IS A COOKBOOK

Wrapping presents sucks

The best things in life are free, but we still don't want to do them with you

Spent my entire childhood being told not to sit too close to the tv only to spend my adulthood with one constantly three inches from my face

I'm drunk. Who wants a Christmas present?

A friend of mine confessed that she was addicted to ChatGPT and she uses it for all of her business stuff and that explains why all of her emails sound like Borat wrote them

what a fucken mess *gestures toward the inside of your car*

Just remember to check your egg nog for razor blades

You're in her DMs I'm chilling in your living room masturbating to pictures of Bea Arthur's elbows...also you're out of Doritos

Crystals don't do anything. You are just very petty and no one wants to contradict you.

why is there no “threat” of drugs in my christmas candy, that’s when i need them most

They should invent an ai that isn't creepy af

how to train your wreck

is there a *mr* information?