Crime doesn’t pay! unless there’s a specific government fund created to do exactly that

There are many widely available health & wellness apps that will remind you to periodically get up from your desk and walk around but I can personally recommend my own low-tech method which is to continuously drink ungodly amounts of tea.

If you're a guy chatting me up, here are several things I don't wanna do* 1. listen to you play the guitar 2. read your poetry or, even less, listen to you read your poetry to me 3. read your screenplay 4. talk to you 5. listen to your podcast 6. hear your idea for a business *unless it's good

is the DDoS in the server room with us right now?

Please wait Do not remove your card Do not remove your card Do not remove your card HOLY FUCKING SHIT REMOVE YOUR CARD

Was behind a van that just said "Tiddie Diddie" on the back. Turns out to be a diaper service, but "Tidy" is not the way my brain pronounced that

Yo mama has a healthy appreciation of sex

Happiness is the best revenge. Which is why I'm sending a clown to your house...

Some perfumes smell like love Some smell like my grandma's toilet threw up

Saving yelling at someone from the other room for marriage

*sobs at beautiful scene* They should’ve sent a good worder.

It's like he's in a contest to prove he is the biggest possible dumbass

I am not buying food from temu.

Going around asking everyone "ARE WE REALLY FRIENDS" but in a super secure way

In other words, I can't help it that everyone else is so exceedingly stupid.

Accidentally said “all worries” instead of “no worries” and I’m just going to use that going forward

We are all going to lose our jobs to something that pronounces 1984 like "the year one thousand nine hundred and eighty four"

If I do anything weird in the next six months, it's because my mouth is numb from the dentist

Hi. I’m here for the dopamine? I was told this is the spot

have you tried eating a sandwich about it?

Social Isolation Media

at the orgy pointing at everyone and asking: groupon?

I have a favorite song about driving a train while high on cocaine. But I’m not going to tell you what it is. You have to guess.

It's crazy good luck that everyone who gets married just happened to find the most wonderful person in the world

Black people are giving it these Confederates raw and uncut. This is how it’s gonna be now. You wonder what we’re thinking? It’s this. I believe this is activist Gary Chambers again in Louisiana.

Sorry 'bout that

I don't like the person I become when I have to pee really bad

Surely the business community will save us

Me: is early Also me: blows through every yellow light at the last possible second

Blame me for shit that is out of my control harder, baby

It's so annoying when I'm trying to take a photo and somebody calls my camera.

in my defense your honor, i did declare a thumb war

You ever wonder what people are telling their therapist about you?

I'm sure my met gala invitation just got lost in the mall

Told my therapist he cured me then we laughed and laughed.

Post like no one is following you

FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME “What that? License and registration? Yes sir, one moment.”

'Continue without upgrading' - me, every day

Not now. Daddy is wasting his life on the internet.

your secret is safe with me bc what were we talking about

How do I make myself "do things" I "need to do"

If you want to make lots of friends, just be a golden retriever

The only reason not to make it easy for everyone to vote is if you know no one likes you

You're a Mandela Effect, Charlie Brown

My Credit Union says they are like family, but it's still weird when they show up for Sunday dinner

No.

The only ai I need is to tell me what that one person's name is that I should totally know

me to myself in every social situation: just play it cool *immediately chokes on saliva and starts coughing uncontrollably*

Talking about Bruno and Fight Club because nothing even matters anymore

Star Wars is, at its core, about how weird-looking robot guys and aliens do or do not get along with British people