Snow Guide: December 🥰 January 🫤 February 🙄 March 🤬 April 😎

I’m frighteningly aware of how the internet operates, so I have to commend the people I follow for the restraint of not once posting that tacky James Van Der Beek crying gif all week

Big Brother is watching, and they're charging you a monthly subscription

just typing crazy style into the porn search and seeing what comes up

couldn’t pass the antifa super soldier written exam, so now George Soros just pays me to gatekeep masculinity 🤷🏻‍♂️

T.G.I.W.F

hoping your friends decide to postpone until next month is my cancel culture

If you absolutely must DM me, just leave a reply under the Tina Turner 1988 Live from Rio YouTube video. I'm sure I'll see it eventually

The Olympic website’s perfunctory 'Do I accept cookies' prompt is gaslighting me

they should let people who feel shame run things for a while

I’m still not entirely sure why elder millennial became a thing. It always read to me like “I’m not like other millennials; I’m a cool millennial”

The millennial experience

I just think people should start with only 140 characters and have to show they can be trusted with more

someday, I hope to be the internet's main character with a banging pumpernickel bagel recipe (that I have yet to work on, so don't ask)

Friends with Kids (2011) Protagonist owns this pristine white couch, has a baby, years pass, and he still has this showroom sofa despite a toddler roaming around. It was Chekhov’s white couch that never went off. I couldn't pay attention to any dialogue and focused solely on that giant white lie

“Give, but give until it hurts.” - Mother Teresa, noted power top

okay, okay, Simon says... please don't be mad at me

For lent, I'm giving up side down Boy, you're turning me Inside out And round and round Upside down Boy, you're turning me Inside out I know you got charm and appeal You always have your way I'm intrigued by your gentle face And your pleasant smile You got me going wild...

The gossip column in the Chicago Defender had no business being this damn messy

If you haven’t been inside a furniture showroom in a while, you’d be gobsmacked by the number of couches with multiple built-in cup holders

Well, today was an especially stupid day on Bluesky. I am setting a reminder to avoid social media during three day weekends in the future

If any of you have influence with older voters in Illinois, please encourage them to vote for Juliana Stratton over Raja Krishnamoorthi in the Senate primaries. I used to describe him as Dick Durbin 2.0, but he is actually more like Chuck Schumer 1.5. Please and thank you!

Sorry I muted you. My finger must have slipped when I was trying to block you

It's called GREEDMAXXING, a strategy where every industry has concluded that they can maximize profits by marketing to a small group of rich people instead of the masses.

clicked on the Quiet Posters tab and immediately grew sad about how pleasant it is over here

We didn't break up; I'm just dropping a new single.

realizing I have amazing calf muscles because I've tiptoed through my life

What happened to the Loveline guys makes sense given that it was two guys in their 30s giving sex tips to teenagers.

listen, microwave instructions: I don't know if mine is set to low, high, leaded, unleaded, and I pray to Jesus H. Christ every night to never find out

if they added taskmaster to the olympics, I'd be more inclined to watch

in the early quiet, the chilled remnants of a heart-shaped pizza stands as the solitary witness to the aftermath

love makes us do crazy things

Valentine's Day is the one day a year I pity straight men. People who publicly catalog their own daily failures suddenly have the nerve to give out a masterclass on what these men are doing wrong. It is easily the second most sanctimonious day of the year, right behind St. Patrick's Day

grocery store ran out, so I have to improvise with chocolate covered cherry tomatoes

learning about the sit-stand longevity test where you can't use your hands or knees to get up from or down to the floor. According to my results, I died 10 years ago

T.G.I.W.F. (day late edition)

Roses are red Violets are purple-er My love for you is like a truck Berserker

A lot of you people, and I mean YOU PEOPLE, are over here talking up Woke 2. Meanwhile, you have no idea what I have cooking for 2 Cancel 2 Furious

I contain multitudes, each one just a little worse than the next

Happy Palentine’s Day to all the couples who are just good friends. OMG. Relax, guys.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and this played in my head immediately.

Happy anniversary everybody

🚨URGENT UPDATE🚨 According to the revised CDC website, preventative care now includes ghosting before you catch feelings

Friday the 13th, Valentine's Day, and then Presidents' Day are their own mini Spooky Season

since I started yoga back up, I can now bend over to pick up something I dropped with upwards of 60% less grunting and blaspheming, though I do miss the blasphemy. it's sorta my hobby

Back to the Future but the teenage protagonist spends the entire movie at the pharmacy waiting for several dozen Kodak disposable cameras filled with selfies to be developed

I have a sneaking suspicion, actually that's not true, I 100% know my new mechanic is autistic (90% sure he's undiagnosed), and let me tell you, it is a dream come true.

woke up with a rare good hair day and now I have to ruin it by working out. It’s a vanity-on-vanity crime, and frankly, it shouldn't have to be this way

I prefer my sense of self shaken, not stirred