calling snails “snarls” so they’ll feel more badass

I’m going to win the war on protein. I eat nothing but beef tallow dipped in pork fat rolled inside a chicken stuffed in a duck. My family doesn’t talk to me anymore. I smell like a used wig from the 1700s.

scientist: the idea is essentially a quantum gun, one pull of the trigger and a bullet goes through the skull of every living creature on the planet me: (click) (click) (click) scientist: that one is just a model me: 😠 ............ (click) (click) (click)

Specific Hospital

god i'd be so annoying if i was a beautiful woman

I'm not goth. I'm redacted.

Thinking of buying a garbage can. but not one of those overflowing garbage cans with the flies and wasps buzzing around in the summer heat..a real nice one, in the shade somewhere, with not too much garbage

THIS COLD DARK RECTANGLE OF SAD AND GLASS IS NOT GIVING ME THE SUPPORT AND COMFORT I REQUIRE.

this dude said Cheese

Happy birthday to one of my favourite haters, Charles Darwin

I’ve come to realize that being labeled an asshole by toxic individuals is a sign that you’re finally advocating for yourself.

When I was a manager of that store we went to a strip club and donated money to a function just so that they would hang a thing on the wall that said "Donated By Geoffrey T. Giraffe".

me: my teeth are getting yellow dentist: do you smoke or drink coffee? me: I drink it

*cut to me freebasing kinetic sand with a haggard geoffrey behind the abandoned toys r us.

baptizing the girl who works at Hot Topic in the mall fountain

Someone told me lately "Bluesky is just like Twitter." I argued that was untrue on the basis that last time I had a Twitter account most times I got a new follower their bio said "single & looking for fun" & here when I get a new follower it tends to say something like "professor of rare moths".

Hungry for a box of crayons so I'm using twizzlers as harm reduction

as a hobby i seduce nuns until they leave the faith and then ghost them

At what age does “tired” become your whole personality? I think I may have reached it.

Being self employed is hard, I’m not a good boss or employee

49 years ago "Mongoloid" is the debut single by American new wave band Devo, released February 1977 with "Jocko Homo" as the B-side. "Mongoloid" was later re-recorded by Devo and appeared on the album Q: Are We Not Men? A: We are Devo! #devo #newwave #history #punkrockhistory

one time i lived in the middle of nowhere in a house full of someone else's furniture with my boyfriend and a german shepherd named crystal gayle

I told my doctor about my parasitic infection. Motherfucker had no idea

if I was a fish I’d use my fins to hold people’s heads underwater

Minks are amazing creatures because they have the ability to be both fat and long

there is NOTHING stopping you from taking a plastic grocery bag into a gas station and filling up the bag with fountain soda and then drinking it with a big piece of aquarium tubing except for intervention from the gas station staff and the lack of structural integrity inherent to the bag's design

It’s probably your fault. -me as a therapist

Optimist: glass half full Pessimist: glass half empty Conformist: yeah, what those guys said

Now children, gather round and listen to the story about how in my day, ghouls haunted graveyards and feasted on human flesh, and I really think we were all better off that way.

a reminder that it's free to be kind

Bro, they’re changing the medicinal brine in your enclosure. Get stoked for that new brine

Reese’s cups for lunch. Get on my level.* *level of depression

Wanted to mention that the eyes and demeanor of those who have seen the unredacted files is eerie. This type of experience is absolutely breaking people who were emotionally prepared for it. Whomever are unaffected or annoyed by it are parasitic, malignant, motherfuckers.

This is Flambo. He's using his talking dog buttons to accuse his small foster brother of being a cat. Nothing can convince him otherwise. 13/10 for both (IG: flambothedog)

I cleaned the windshield of your car at the gas pump while you were inside buying a drink or a hot dog or taking a dump or whatever. Please respond.

I miss the blogspot music days. You would be like hey guys I just found a new blogspot and it’s full of these obscure Hungarian prog albums you can download and then all your friends would be like “shut up,” and “fuck you”

compute,r make me angry... computer, make me angry and sad... computer, make me want what i can't have... computer

hey can you stop by real quick? me: sure thing

Men don't know this but every time we get a woman driver with the Uber app we just talk shit about men the whole drive, and seal it with our universal secret handshake

curled up in a wet cardboard box under the train bridge dreaming about a hot dog so big it blocks out the sun

If you look like me, you can just tell people you don't work on Friday 13th for religious reasons.

No one tells you that ending generational trauma is a form of self sacrifice. you might end up completely alone. I’d still do it again. There are so many worse things than being alone

When folks use the word uproar, I have to fight the urge to shout: is that anything like updog?

Beauty and the Beast but all their teeth fall out. The servants revert back to human form, and then their teeth fall out. The townspeople, realizing that love is greater than hate, feel all their teeth fall out. Gaston's corpse slightly moves on the ground as teeth shoot out of his mouth

Meth lab is short for method acting labradoodles.

Hey, just because it's a dictatorship doesn't mean everybody can't have a good time

lapping up a puddle that has a huge rainbow oil slick on the surface

I miss the 70s when you and everyone you knew watched the Olympics every evening for two weeks because TV was crap and there was nothing else to watch.