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I wanted to make biscuits the tallest biscuits known to mankind. Behold my hubris.

Two hours is enough sleep, right?

Muhammad Ali's famous "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" quote always gets cut off halfway. The full statement was "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, shriek like a parakeet, piss like a racehorse, lounge around like a walrus." He was a complicated individual

I can tell my frustration is building because reading the Princess and the Pea took me on a hostile rant.

I think we should have adult slumber parties and invite our trans sisters so that they can properly experience what it's like to do diet satanism, make up, and watch horror movies while talking shit about people we hate.

My actions were being controlled by a rat that was pulling on my hair, your honor

we’d all like to be trees man but some of us have to be the wind some of us have to be the deer

Sometimes there's this sensation of floating off the earth. Like equilibrium glitches and I'm trying to remember how I used to feel and then it passes.

I processed the trauma and my hotness remains intact

They tried to make me go to Skipton I said no no no

starting to wonder if wedging myself into this hollow tree was a mistake

A lot of the job parenting teens is pointing at something in the house and saying “Why is this here? I’m sick of looking at this”

(sees a Congresswoman wearing brass knuckles and holding a knife) Well I'd vote for her in a heartbeat

I’m the guy in front of you at the supermarket. No I’ve never been to a store before.

Just once, I’d like to be at the beginning of my rope.

*Sean Connery voice

me: he's a glove that sells hamburger helper girl looking at the posters in my room: no i get it

woah lady i didnt ask for your life story i already said i'll kill your neighbors for 300 gold

Jesse Ventura, Nic Cage, and Jay Baruchel all have the same voice at different pitches

Every day is Earth Day, dumbass

The silliest way to leave is to flee. The lamest sounding fleeing is on the lam.

Whatever untethered kitten of an object we turned into a kite at secret meetings was referred to as "the kitened" and if it got stuck in a tree and a fire department came, we were the order of photo ops

I’m not a loner, I’m just selectively social.

me: so it pretty much sucks shit over there too huh? ghost: yeah different way though

Gods help me. My home has become the safe space for teenagers.

date: i like sensitive guys me: * trying to impress her* i can feel my hairs growing

me 8 days after major surgery that takes 4-6 weeks to heal from: wow. i’m so lazy and evil. i should be doing more

how i'm entering silicon valley after the Great Unraveling

I'm drinking the Bios Crash slurpee I hope it crashes my bios I hope I blue screen

I believe I will

Darn near killed 'em.

Trying to refer clients out to therapists who are *also* losing their fucking minds is tricky business guys.

Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.

garbageman just text’d me “i hope you’ve got some good garbage this week” i don’t know if it’s a threat or if he’s trying to gas me up?? it’s tough to read tone over text

A cashier at CVS just asked me if I’m a professional wrestler

Cardboard is so pathetic now. I remember when I had to hone my finger dexterity like some baby alligator breeder to close a cereal box.

Since my last update my eyes look like a slot machine when I'm dissociating

Saturday Night Fever Dream (the trees have organs and the knives have feelings)

me: the Dyson hand dryer didn’t dry my hands. moving my hands back and forth for 5 minutes trying to get the Dyson hand dryer to dry my hands dried my hands my gynecologist: what

my wife and i decided to do the hall pass thing she picked the mailman so i have also picked the mailman game on

something about being in my late 30s really has me sitting at the window watching the birds jumping in the little dishes of water i set out for them in the garden, i can’t get enough of this shit despite having no preexisting interest in the business of birds.

'SWIMS' upside down is still 'SWIMS.'

Pockets are excellent for carrying hands

It's been at least a year since folks have been saying yesteryear.

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

Tinkerbell nail polish

Kudos