One of the skills I put on my resume was the ability to keenly observe other people working.

Speed dating is when you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

Happy There Is A Circulatory System Walking Through The Kitchen Day to all who celebrate.

I'm running out of time to run a golf cart into a fruit stand.

She could’ve said she didn’t wanna be friends anymore but instead she gave my kids kinetic sand.

Happy 38th birthday to my first mental illness.

The algorithm would really like me to slice up an orange and dry it in the oven all day to make Christmas decorations and it just might win.

Just leave the door open, nothing matters anymore

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

Courtney Love never played with her idols, Ann & Nancy Wilson. now there’s a Hole where her Heart used to be . folks,,

When I'm filling out the forms in the doctor's office I write "puppet maker" for occupation. Then I watch the receptionist scan the forms and when she furrows her brow and looks up at me I smile warmly like Geppetto.

So of course you were right not to tell the mysteriousness that it was misbuttoned, I tend to miss the point of mysteriousness

I can't help but notice that every movie about time travel is about 35 minutes too long.

Store employees are now required to smile if they are within 10 feet of a shopper. If they’re within four feet, the employee should say "you're smelling extra delicious today, baby"

My son: What's with all the orphans in your childhood movies? Were orphans like super popular in the olden days?

Just saw a Little Caesars employee get betrayed by their coworkers.

I wish my last two brain cells would start touching each other or something

mourning a person you loved for decades with all your heart who is still alive but who has become an indifferent and unrecognizable stranger is the fucking worst i do not wish anyone in the world this pain

You could survive so many horror movies by simply saying "no thank you"

I'm clapping and yelling "nice fill, woo!" to everyone in line ahead of me at the pharmacy

Optometrist: Do you see the monster? Me: It's hard to make out. Optometrist: (changes lenses) How about now? Me: Still blurry. Optometrist: What drips from its fangs? Me: Drool? Optometrist: (changes lenses) Me: Oh, venom. Deadly venom.

i’m coming over to look at you like this and there’s nothing you can do about it

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being

Not Sharona! I'm sure she had no idea that the mystery she was providing would do that to his ah...his 'entire length of his thigh'.

You thought you were gonna have a nice Saturday? No. You’re going to two craft fairs, buddy.

Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out

I used to be a big fan of the Voice, but now I'm on antipsychotics.

Like the frenzied construction of the Winchester Mystery House, but it's just meaningless, hammering, accumulated anxiety symptoms instead of ornate banisters and stairs to nowhere.

I tried to whistle over a stray cat in my neighborhood and a woman walked by, who I worried thought I whistled at her. So I said “im whistling at the cat” but when I looked back down at it I realized it was just an old fast food bag

you’re going balls to the wall too much, the whole wall smells like balls

Another day another death threat to the 'I've witnessed 7 miracles' Jesus guy who tried to block me from my truck.

In the future, we can use fuels derived from the fossils of billionaires to fire small projectiles directly into the sun.

I accidentally looked a gingerbread man in the eyes at the store and it gave me the shivers.

This is what they took from you

trying to improve my Lurk-Wife balance

Who among us hasn’t dreamed of making their own ice cream at home in some kind of contraption?

The secret to making a woman feel comfortable in a marriage is a working knowledge of poisons

Suddenly empowered to really focus on ruining more things. Game changer.

Guy who is convinced he is a werewolf, keeps waking up naked in weird locations with a mouthful of bloody fur and such. He sets up a camera on the full moon to record himself transform, and discovers that he actually transforms into a stocky stray tomcat, not a wolf at all

i hate it when people have skin in the game. get that skin out of there!!!! it's gross and it's ruining the game!!!

Today's mood by Steve Fitch

I don’t eat meat anymore. Ever since America repealed every food regulation that kept Upton Sinclair from spinning in his grave, protein of unknown provenance prepared with slapdash hygiene standards haunt me. I simply cannot get down with dubious rotisserie chicken from The Jungle.

A List of Things Said to Have Been Ruined by Women 🧵

Establish dominance in a meeting by bringing donuts and saying no one can have any because they are for a later, more important meeting.

If my personal data is so valuable why can everyone sell it but me?

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

it's always the most weaseldicked premium grade a freakazoids crowing about how it "says something about society" that people refuse to engage with their bad ideas. I engage with bad ideas literally all the time, as long as the person having them is normal

I don't want to work I want to photograph wild painted horses in the black hills of south dakota

I just love fall. Bathing in pumpkin spice latte, eating crunchy leaves, eating sweaters knitted from the hair of my neighbors. Hard to pick a favorite really.