Me as a therapist: *quits*

I used to think I wanted to be a scientist, but when I really reflect, I just wanted to look at random things through fancy microscopes.

I like to wear my cowboy hat to the grocery store then stand in front of the canned beans shelf asking passersby which kind they think the other fellas on the cattle drive would like. “You think Bourbon and Brown Sugar?” I ask.

I've always said the lungs should have a drain at the bottom but God is so sure he knows everything. Can't tell that guy nothin

Vividly hypnagogically hallucinating an emphatic sort of high-pitched Churchill-type character telling me I already know how to exhale attached entities from my body over my white noise

That bolt of childish impatience I feel when a show will make me wait for slower readers when showing blocks of text.

Got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Can't wait to see what kind of extra unhealthy coping mechanisms I'll develop to make it through the holidays

Me: Why were my tests so expensive? Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art. Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor? Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

My birthday is in 2 days and it feels like an upcoming dental surgery appointment.

Trust me said the spider to the fly

INTERVIEWER: sell me this pen ME: *holds pen up to interviewer's throat* buy this fucking pen or you'll never see your family again

a volunteer lumberjack's love language is axe of service

shout out to men on the subway with ereaders. you may not get the attention men with physical books get for some reason but i appreciate that you're signaling to the world "moving apartments is a lot easier for me"

The overnight process failed and we will need to apply the self loathing manually today.

Applying for my dream job in a sleep clinic.

ME: i have teen-like reflexes FRIEND: don't you mean cat-like ME: FRIEND: ME: FRIEND: ME: *removes one earbud* what

I had a member at work ask me how my mom is doing. I admitted that for the first time this past weekend, I had to bathe her and wash her hair. I told her this while tears ran down my face. Next thing I knew, she was crying too.

Therapist diary 10/11/2025: On continuing education: Today the idea of getting certified as an expert in Narcissist Personality Disorder 'as a bit' is still funny, but not haha funny.

gonna find all the Ann Geddes babies and recreate their photographs as adults

What we really need is a government shut up.

"Please stop telling me to carry on. Please, I'm begging you." - my wayward son

Toes ranked: 1. Pota 2. Mistle 3. Tic-Tac

You haven't been reposting me are you OK?

I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock

One of the skills I put on my resume was the ability to keenly observe other people working.

Speed dating is when you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

Happy There Is A Circulatory System Walking Through The Kitchen Day to all who celebrate.

I'm running out of time to run a golf cart into a fruit stand.

She could’ve said she didn’t wanna be friends anymore but instead she gave my kids kinetic sand.

Happy 38th birthday to my first mental illness.

The algorithm would really like me to slice up an orange and dry it in the oven all day to make Christmas decorations and it just might win.

Just leave the door open, nothing matters anymore

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

Courtney Love never played with her idols, Ann & Nancy Wilson. now there’s a Hole where her Heart used to be . folks,,

When I'm filling out the forms in the doctor's office I write "puppet maker" for occupation. Then I watch the receptionist scan the forms and when she furrows her brow and looks up at me I smile warmly like Geppetto.

So of course you were right not to tell the mysteriousness that it was misbuttoned, I tend to miss the point of mysteriousness

I can't help but notice that every movie about time travel is about 35 minutes too long.

Store employees are now required to smile if they are within 10 feet of a shopper. If they’re within four feet, the employee should say "you're smelling extra delicious today, baby"

My son: What's with all the orphans in your childhood movies? Were orphans like super popular in the olden days?

Just saw a Little Caesars employee get betrayed by their coworkers.

I wish my last two brain cells would start touching each other or something

mourning a person you loved for decades with all your heart who is still alive but who has become an indifferent and unrecognizable stranger is the fucking worst i do not wish anyone in the world this pain

You could survive so many horror movies by simply saying "no thank you"

I'm clapping and yelling "nice fill, woo!" to everyone in line ahead of me at the pharmacy

Optometrist: Do you see the monster? Me: It's hard to make out. Optometrist: (changes lenses) How about now? Me: Still blurry. Optometrist: What drips from its fangs? Me: Drool? Optometrist: (changes lenses) Me: Oh, venom. Deadly venom.

i’m coming over to look at you like this and there’s nothing you can do about it

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being

Not Sharona! I'm sure she had no idea that the mystery she was providing would do that to his ah...his 'entire length of his thigh'.

You thought you were gonna have a nice Saturday? No. You’re going to two craft fairs, buddy.