I assume this is what everyone was listening to when they said the president is giving a speech today

Happy Fourth of July Eve. Don’t forget to leave out a pack of cigarettes and an ice-cold Coors Light for Kid Rock.

When you find out the president conned his own supporters and made $1.4 billion by selling crypto with his name on it:

I need to stop assuming things like this are from The Onion

Sometimes the real wars we’ve stopped are the ones we never started, ya know? I work harder than all you dumbasses, Venmo me if you’re grateful for all the missiles I have not launched.

Surround yourself with the kind of people who consider The Princess Bride to be one of the most amazing films of all-time.

I’m not going to make fun of him for this, that’s un-fair

When you go to a frat party that can afford more than Busch Light:

Me with my Bluesky mutuals (complimentary, or whatever)

Roy G. Biv has completed the Cinderella run, knocking off PEMDAS to win the World Cup of abbreviations and acronyms we all memorized for reasons no one can explain.

It’s no secret that I like break-up songs more than the Average Happily Committed Heterosexual Person™️ (there should probably be an asterisk in there somewhere, put it wherever it tickles you). Anyway, the Senses cover of “Good Luck, Babe!” slaps. That’s all. Carry on.

True Story: I've played a round of golf with Bobby Bonilla. Most perpetually happy dude I've ever seen.

The future is fun because we were promised flying cars and instead I just had to agree to a corporation’s privacy policy to use my tv’s remote control

My complaint about liking a West Coast team is that every game asks me to choose between baseball and being a functional adult the next day, and I so rarely make the right choice.

Tom Hanks:

Wu-Tang is for the children

Heinz in the early 2000s was wild. Imagine being the engineer screaming, “JUST PUT THE LID ON THE BOTTOM IT LITERALLY SOLVES ALL OF THE PROBLEMS,” while everyone else is arguing over what shades of purple and green that ketchup should really be.

Bobbleheads:

Sirens luring folks to their death:

The Founding Fathers never intended for me to remember seventeen different streaming service passwords

Adult money is realizing the answer to missing 10mm sockets has nothing to do with looking for them and finding them and everything to do with having a rotating cast of them where, sure, they may get written off the show so to speak but a few seasons from now, turns out they had a long lost twin.

“Now listen…before all this Google nonsense, there was a butler. Polite fella. You’d ask him where to find something on the internet and he’d scurry off, come back with a bunch of ideas, and a few of them were sometimes right. We called him Jeeves. Anyway, nice young man. He passed away recently.”

Challenge of the day: explain Ask Jeeves to your children without having them think “maybe it’s time to put dad in a home”

Update: it told me to put it under professional accomplishments. Erin asked the same thing in reverse and it told her to list it under charity work.

Hey Siri, can I add amateur pornographer to my résumé if I send nudes to Erin?

Sisyphus ass laundry piles

My political ideology is that the self-checkout should recognize bananas without making me play 20 Questions with it

Super-Bisexuals: brought to you by the same network that first noticed and reported that M&Ms are just not as sexy as they used to be

We are all Horney’s (on Main), in a sense

Slut shaming but for not being slutty enough

I’m not a genius. I’m not claiming to have all the answers. I don’t want to come across, dear reader, as “I know better than you.” But I do know this, and heed this valuable life lesson: Costco sells honey. You can buy it in bulk and never think about it again, and, Happy Pride, live like a bear.

Erin is just like the pretzel crackers fr fr

tell me 5 random things that you love (not people/pets) - Baseball - Mountains - Books (and other story telling) that aren’t formulaic - Apple butter - Trivia nights

Subscribe to his HolyFans so you can Holy See

Advertise your BlueSky account with a Simpsons image

MERRY FATHER’S DAY to everyone, including the Losers and Haters. Thanks to me, we’re allowed to say MERRY FATHER’S DAY again. Many people are saying I’m America’s Daddy. Not my words, THEIR words. Strong people. Tough people. They look at me and say, “Daddy.” You’re welcome!

In a different timeline, a different Al G. would have prevented all this

see? this is why we need a strait pride month

I wonder how many of my ancestors survived wars, famines, and plagues just for me to forget why I walked into the kitchen

Once again sporting the annual ridiculous farmer’s tan because society still frowns on nudism

Nobody: Tiger Woods every 6 months:

Bury me on her golf course for the tax breaks so I know it’s real

How I imagine The People talk about me:

In hindsight, the most unbelievable part of Fairly Odd Parents, a catoon in which fairies grant unlimited and often elaborate wishes to children, was a middle aged man being able to do this consistently with no back pain:

The three way Venn Diagram of cybertruck owners, people who wonder why there isn’t a white history month, and men who have never pleased a woman is just the most beautiful circle you’ve ever seen

when Bruce Wayne takes a vacation day:

If there’s one person I don’t trust, it’s people.