cat damon
@cornonthegoblin.bsky.social
š¤ 11943
š„ 189
š 150
from the magazines
wife: why is there cabbage all over the bathtub me: my showerkraut!
24 days ago
9
421
68
hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am
7 months ago
1
132
20
sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested
8 months ago
0
80
7
[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
8 months ago
2
273
71
[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot
8 months ago
0
45
3
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
9 months ago
0
77
8
[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may
9 months ago
1
49
7
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
9 months ago
1
44
3
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now
9 months ago
1
57
4
personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
9 months ago
0
46
5
[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised
9 months ago
3
134
25
[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this
9 months ago
3
248
57
[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza] judge: my god divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
9 months ago
1
57
8
i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer
9 months ago
4
112
25
[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the [flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
10 months ago
1
49
3
reposted by
cat damon
Viktor Winetrout
10 months ago
And the Michelin Man removed the tireĀ from his waist and gave it to them, saying,Ā āTake this and drive; for this is my body.ā
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[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME
10 months ago
0
48
5
[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back
10 months ago
1
43
6
[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum
11 months ago
2
62
8
me: [leaving the inventor of the piƱata's funeral] OH MY GOD
11 months ago
0
55
7
[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
11 months ago
1
67
10
[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude
11 months ago
0
73
7
[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad
11 months ago
0
55
6
big whoop your honor
12 months ago
1
103
17
alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
12 months ago
9
118
17
TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet me: you mean my soupcase?
12 months ago
1
87
8
roses are red / violets are blue who let the dogs out / who who who who
12 months ago
1
70
10
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha
12 months ago
6
598
106
[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk
12 months ago
0
205
22
[makes a little voodoo doll of my neighbor's dog and pets it]
12 months ago
7
319
58
[whispers during lap dance] you're squishing my penis
12 months ago
3
181
23
[clenching my fists after being tackled in football] what's your problem
12 months ago
0
61
8
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look out the windows on your left you'll see some fish... this is the worst I've ever messed up
12 months ago
4
754
144
me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling
12 months ago
3
195
41
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: im pretty sure youre not supposed to do that me: oh i dont work here
about 1 year ago
1
388
64
my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]
about 1 year ago
5
127
21
[vet pulls me aside] hey man are you letting your cat smoke cigarettes
about 1 year ago
1
97
8
reposted by
cat damon
ceej
about 1 year ago
(learning my neighbor clark is actually superman) so when you said you couldnāt help me move,
25
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289
snap back to reality / oh, my dad's mad at me
about 1 year ago
0
52
8
[police sketch artist realizes I've been describing his wife except nude] son of a
about 1 year ago
1
142
14
[bruce wayne speeding around in the batmobile] (roxanne voice) baaaatman, you don't have to stop at the red lights
about 1 year ago
1
385
90
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex) gf: who the hell is waluigi
about 1 year ago
2
105
16
[making out with date] her: oooh someone's being naughty me: [pulls away from kissing] shhh shut the fuck up, santa might hear you
about 1 year ago
0
133
15
and the award for best neckwear goes to.. well would you look at that, it's a tie
about 1 year ago
15
898
135
(cake by the ocean voice) jerk off with lotion
about 1 year ago
2
25
2
[tossing my fast food wrappers in the backseat while driving] my uber passenger: bro
about 1 year ago
1
52
4
[5 minutes into sex with my gingerbread gf] did you crumb
about 1 year ago
4
243
49
[turns down stereo and looks at date] so that's korn
about 1 year ago
4
234
28
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