hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now

personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok

[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised

[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this

[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza] judge: my god divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer

[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the [flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME

[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back

[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum

me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD

[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude

[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad

big whoop your honor

alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate

TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet me: you mean my soupcase?

roses are red / violets are blue who let the dogs out / who who who who

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk

Dreamed a new McDonald’s breakfast sandwich with 1 lb. of egg whites called “The Wet One”

[makes a little voodoo doll of my neighbor's dog and pets it]

[whispers during lap dance] you're squishing my penis

[clenching my fists after being tackled in football] what's your problem

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look out the windows on your left you'll see some fish... this is the worst I've ever messed up

me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: im pretty sure youre not supposed to do that me: oh i dont work here

my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]

[vet pulls me aside] hey man are you letting your cat smoke cigarettes

(learning my neighbor clark is actually superman) so when you said you couldn’t help me move,

snap back to reality / oh, my dad's mad at me

[police sketch artist realizes I've been describing his wife except nude] son of a

[bruce wayne speeding around in the batmobile] (roxanne voice) baaaatman, you don't have to stop at the red lights

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex) gf: who the hell is waluigi

[making out with date] her: oooh someone's being naughty me: [pulls away from kissing] shhh shut the fuck up, santa might hear you

and the award for best neckwear goes to.. well would you look at that, it's a tie

(cake by the ocean voice) jerk off with lotion

[tossing my fast food wrappers in the backseat while driving] my uber passenger: bro

[5 minutes into sex with my gingerbread gf] did you crumb

[turns down stereo and looks at date] so that's korn

is it worth it // let me birth it pop a kid out spank it then i nurse it