cat damon
@cornonthegoblin.bsky.social
📤 11916
📥 189
📝 148
from the magazines
hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am
4 months ago
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sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested
4 months ago
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[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
5 months ago
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[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot
5 months ago
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
5 months ago
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[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may
5 months ago
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if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
5 months ago
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now
5 months ago
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personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
5 months ago
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[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised
5 months ago
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[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this
5 months ago
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[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza] judge: my god divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
6 months ago
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i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer
6 months ago
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[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the [flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
6 months ago
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reposted by
cat damon
Viktor Winetrout
6 months ago
And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
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[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME
6 months ago
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[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back
7 months ago
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[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum
7 months ago
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me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD
7 months ago
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[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
7 months ago
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[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude
8 months ago
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[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad
8 months ago
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big whoop your honor
8 months ago
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alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
8 months ago
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TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet me: you mean my soupcase?
8 months ago
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roses are red / violets are blue who let the dogs out / who who who who
8 months ago
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[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha
8 months ago
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[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk
8 months ago
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reposted by
cat damon
lanyardigan
over 2 years ago
Dreamed a new McDonald’s breakfast sandwich with 1 lb. of egg whites called “The Wet One”
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[makes a little voodoo doll of my neighbor's dog and pets it]
8 months ago
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[whispers during lap dance] you're squishing my penis
8 months ago
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[clenching my fists after being tackled in football] what's your problem
8 months ago
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look out the windows on your left you'll see some fish... this is the worst I've ever messed up
8 months ago
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me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling
8 months ago
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: im pretty sure youre not supposed to do that me: oh i dont work here
8 months ago
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my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]
9 months ago
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[vet pulls me aside] hey man are you letting your cat smoke cigarettes
9 months ago
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reposted by
cat damon
ceej
9 months ago
(learning my neighbor clark is actually superman) so when you said you couldn’t help me move,
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snap back to reality / oh, my dad's mad at me
9 months ago
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[police sketch artist realizes I've been describing his wife except nude] son of a
9 months ago
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[bruce wayne speeding around in the batmobile] (roxanne voice) baaaatman, you don't have to stop at the red lights
9 months ago
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex) gf: who the hell is waluigi
10 months ago
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[making out with date] her: oooh someone's being naughty me: [pulls away from kissing] shhh shut the fuck up, santa might hear you
10 months ago
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and the award for best neckwear goes to.. well would you look at that, it's a tie
10 months ago
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(cake by the ocean voice) jerk off with lotion
10 months ago
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[tossing my fast food wrappers in the backseat while driving] my uber passenger: bro
10 months ago
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[5 minutes into sex with my gingerbread gf] did you crumb
10 months ago
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[turns down stereo and looks at date] so that's korn
10 months ago
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is it worth it // let me birth it pop a kid out spank it then i nurse it
10 months ago
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