cat damon
@cornonthegoblin.bsky.social
š¤ 11989
š„ 189
š 160
from the magazines
preacher at my funeral signals for everyone to put on their 3D glasses
19 days ago
4
248
58
[police sketch artist interrupts me] large naturals?
about 2 months ago
3
134
28
me: he's a glove that sells hamburger helper girl looking at the posters in my room: no i get it
2 months ago
1
133
32
(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
3 months ago
2
322
45
[accidentally cumming too fast with my gf] that's ai
3 months ago
0
19
0
[leaving a birthday party with my piƱata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "just take me home"
3 months ago
0
43
9
[foghorn leghorn at a glory hole] son i say son this hole got a mouth like an outboard motor
3 months ago
4
68
18
[5 minutes into sex with my gingerbread gf] did you crumb
4 months ago
3
100
10
wife: why is there cabbage all over the bathtub me: my showerkraut!
6 months ago
9
421
68
hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am
about 1 year ago
1
134
20
sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested
about 1 year ago
0
81
7
[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
about 1 year ago
2
272
71
[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot
about 1 year ago
0
48
4
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
about 1 year ago
0
79
8
[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may
about 1 year ago
1
49
7
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
about 1 year ago
1
44
3
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now
about 1 year ago
1
58
4
personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
about 1 year ago
0
45
5
[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised
about 1 year ago
3
134
25
[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this
about 1 year ago
3
247
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[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza] judge: my god divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
about 1 year ago
1
56
8
i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer
about 1 year ago
4
111
24
[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the [flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
about 1 year ago
1
50
3
reposted by
cat damon
Viktor Winetrout
about 1 year ago
And the Michelin Man removed the tireĀ from his waist and gave it to them, saying,Ā āTake this and drive; for this is my body.ā
35
1898
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[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME
about 1 year ago
0
48
5
[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back
over 1 year ago
1
40
6
[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum
over 1 year ago
2
62
8
me: [leaving the inventor of the piƱata's funeral] OH MY GOD
over 1 year ago
0
56
7
[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
over 1 year ago
1
68
10
[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude
over 1 year ago
0
73
7
[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad
over 1 year ago
0
55
6
big whoop your honor
over 1 year ago
1
103
17
alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
over 1 year ago
9
118
17
TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet me: you mean my soupcase?
over 1 year ago
1
88
8
roses are red / violets are blue who let the dogs out / who who who who
over 1 year ago
1
70
10
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha
over 1 year ago
6
595
104
[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk
over 1 year ago
0
205
22
[makes a little voodoo doll of my neighbor's dog and pets it]
over 1 year ago
7
317
57
[whispers during lap dance] you're squishing my penis
over 1 year ago
3
181
23
[clenching my fists after being tackled in football] what's your problem
over 1 year ago
0
61
8
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look out the windows on your left you'll see some fish... this is the worst I've ever messed up
over 1 year ago
4
750
144
me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling
over 1 year ago
3
193
40
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: im pretty sure youre not supposed to do that me: oh i dont work here
over 1 year ago
1
386
64
my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]
over 1 year ago
5
127
21
[vet pulls me aside] hey man are you letting your cat smoke cigarettes
over 1 year ago
1
98
8
reposted by
cat damon
ceej
over 1 year ago
(learning my neighbor clark is actually superman) so when you said you couldnāt help me move,
25
2375
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snap back to reality / oh, my dad's mad at me
over 1 year ago
0
50
7
[police sketch artist realizes I've been describing his wife except nude] son of a
over 1 year ago
1
142
13
[bruce wayne speeding around in the batmobile] (roxanne voice) baaaatman, you don't have to stop at the red lights
over 1 year ago
1
384
90
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