My guilty pleasure is watching rug cleaning videos. I yell like an incoherent elderly when they're covered in mud, but I delight in the end result nonetheless.

My favorite fun fact is that rollercoasters were invented to distract men from hitting up brothels and saloons. Coney Island exists bc yall nasty.

Idk why it took me so long to see this but hog is casual, pig is formal

you should be able to list "eldest daughter" as a bullet point on your resume bc that's the hardest job I ever had and I'm surrounded by dead guys all day

how long, feasibly, do you think elvis impersonators have left in this timeline

you ever think about how laughing is just barking out joy

Sometimes I like to picture Miss Frizzle and all her students rolling up my intestines like a toothpaste tube except it's not toothpaste at all, it's my butt

It's cinco de mayo and taco Tuesday and you know what that means!!!! If you are pro ice, no taco for you!!!!

I'm back (I never left)

Didn't realize there was an opening on both sides of my basement's stairs, thought my cat was on some Coraline shit

me: today I had to work a different location than my usual. it sucked big ass dicks. also the balls. my 18yo: me: don't forget the taint... the gooch, if you will. 18: me: and I will 18: (leaves)

"you're living in sin" damn dude I didn't realize there was a vital records office in the garden of eden

do you ever think about how our taxes pay for a team of people to keep the president alive? he doesn't need the secret service, he needs his foot chewed off by a golf course alligator on live tv

my dude put on the movie fantastic planet while I was already baked outta my mind recently and lemme just say... what the fuck

if you haven't told your friends you're proud of them lately, highly suggest that you do. I'd rather know my bestie is proud of me than my dad any day of the daggum WEEK.

I was a 15 year old Mormon and I hid this CD under my mattress for fear of the lord

I think it's so funny when perfume companies try to sell you a smell via social media. Just saw one with a bunch of witchy shit and it was like ARE YOU A WITCH OF THE WOODS BC YOU CAN SMELL LIKE ONE IF YOU CHOOSE US!!! wtf does a witch of the woods smell like bc I'd guess bog

ROYGBIV is like alphabetizing for colors

[watching tv] me: honestly, what a dope way to go out someone should blow my head up when it's my time. my dude: I'll do it me: could you do it to both of us at the same time? like in the notebook?

[Instagram comments section] random: actually, god is real because I lived 15 years without him and now my life is better with him in it me: I felt the same way the first time I watched dragon ball z

I just met a man in his 80s named Bryce. He might be the very first one.

the worst part about malls not really existing like they used to is that you just don't see people accidentally walking into a fountain anymore

one of my favorite victories is when my work nemesis found out my fiancé was actually her teenage crush. I win!

if I buy one more journal, THAT will be the journal I finally use. look away from my unused journal stack!!!!

somebody just asked me why I brought cartman to work

we have a fat squirrel that lives in our backyard called gerald and my cats are gonna eat his face one day

public service announcement for the straight men in the room: it's your responsibility to fill your lady's stocking. she doesn't need to be reminded to fill yours or the kids, so maybe make sure hers isn't empty. dummy.

the only good thing about having heater vents on the floor is standing over them in a dress in the winter

you ever been so stressed you need to take a bite out of a nerf ball

donating plasma to survive the capitalist hellscape that is the holiday season. nothing weirder than watching all that funky juice accumulate next to your head, but then I get $70 so it's worth it.

I made a cool new lady friend at my fiance's work Christmas party over the subject of death. She asked me for my number quicker than any man has and I appreciate that about her.

you ever high enough that a receipt blowing down the sidewalk looks like one of cinderella's mice scurrying to save the day or nah

doctors in the 1800s after making a victorian lady cum: ma'am, you have hysteria lmao

blowing these at my enemies so I can watch them bite at the air

bro you're acting like santa doesn't know when you're awake

I'm convinced netflix buying warner brothers is just gonna revert us back to cable

If I worked at amazon, I'd slip something from the orderer's wishlist in every package to spite bezos

I don't know who needs to hear this but I hope your bread is moldy af

If I made my current salary in 1998, I'd be so fucken rich

love to get a sexy text from my dude

hearing rumors about yourself well after they have died down (because you stay minding your own biz) has gotta be one of the funniest things ever. bitches having a whole meltdown over something I didn't even do is honestly so flattering, you guys think I'm way smarter than I actually am lmaoooo

instead of a white elephant gift, we should do black sheep gifts where you steal the best gift under $100

repeatedly reminding my dramatic coworker that I'm not her friend, I'm her colleague, and I'm not here to validate her every meltdown bc I don't get paid to do that shit

you can get a cameo from jean claude van damme for $1,000 or you can feed your family for several months, but you can't have both.

no one: my dude: toyotathon! toyotathon! my whole goddamn life has been a toyotathon!

what if the government is pushing back on women's rights and abortions because they're running out of children to abuse with the lowest birth rates in years?

I made and sent this to my therapist once and she laughed, so I win at therapy

ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no

we all have the right to remain silent but some of yall don't have the ability