what was your first car? mine was this baddie... a 1990 Plymouth Laser in the color champagne lmaooo

they reinvented themselves so drastically that the only thing that gave them away was… everything

recently realized that most of readers digest's instagram posts sound like shitposts and it's funny as shit

I used butcher paper to trace where I wanted all my art, then I taped it to the wall, nailed the nails in the proper positions, ripped the butcher paper off, and TA-DA! All my frames are exactly where I wanted them. I am awaiting 3 of the frames, hence the empty spaces on the wall. I'm psyched!

if you set the precedent that you're allergic to gel polish at a new salon, you don't gotta fight for your life to say no to the $15 up charge ever again. follow me for more life hacks.

why wait until january to start your resolutions when you could start now and give up well before the ball drops

one of my coworkers is from puerto rico and yesterday after she said fuck in a sentence, she said "pardon my english" instead of pardon my french. does every country have a designated language to blame their cussing on? omg

I have stoner magnets on my fridge and my 18yo has been leaving cryptic messages for the lord

you can just make a box of brownie batter and eat that it's not even illegal

sometimes my subconscious plays wordle

hatesgiving 2: the reckoning

the haka for white women is just scream-singing you oughta know by alanis morissette, but the eye bulging is the same.

who made the arbitrary rule that you should only pour seven to nine sips in a wine glass? you're saving yourself time and effort to use the entire glass. honestly, just drink straight from the bottle unless your no fear t-shirt was a lie.

the cool thing about being an adult is when you use all the free will you have stored up. first of all fuck thanksgiving, I'm having dipsgiving where I feed my family a variety of hot dips with chips and crackers. also, fuck a turkey when you can have various cheeses????

I don't wanna be the spoon anyone stirs the pot with

I had the Heimlich maneuver done on me at an Applebees in 2005 and haven't been back. Fuck the fiesta chicken specifically.

beginning tomorrow, Bluesky can legally kill you on sight if they want for posting badly. I do not consent to Bluesky killing me for my shitty posts. repost to remain exempt for being killed for your trash ass skeets.

the only cage match I wanna see on the white house lawn is JD Vance's wife beating Erika Kirk's ass.

My wife is an ARIES and also a HAIRDRESSER. She hates my fucking GUTS. Her hair is closer to GOD than she is, but her ASS and her OPINIONS are straight from hot, hot HELL. I like CONFLICTING SHIT such as COPS and the PUNISHER and also I don't understand IRONY. The lord loves my FOOTBALL TEAM.

when I was 5 or 6, I saw my mom pull out a box of bouillon cubes for the meal she was making and I insisted I be given a piece of said candy. instead of explaining what it actually was, she let me eat one. b e e f.

I got a new kitten. His name is Sid.

I love the block button. I will block the same man as many times as it takes to reach samsara.

I have not ONCE stopped, dropped OR rolled.

ordered "student driver" magnets in bulk, gonna absolutely envelop my car in them so people know what I'm really about

Doctor: you’re going to feel some pressure, ready? Me: yes Doctor: your parents are prouder of your sister than you

me, flirting: I'm gonna shit your pants

if you haven't cleaned your ears while you're high, you haven't reached nirvana

make movies 90 minutes again

Would you rather have a mirror that shows you a random five second clip of the future OR a toaster that prints cryptic messages on your bread that eventually come true, you just don't know when

"I don't give a fuck" they said, multiple times a week, every week, since the dawn of fucking time. I'd say you do in fact give many fucks.

**extremely sisqo voice** that bong bong bong bong bong

[at a party] friend: guys, this is amberleigh me: is that spelled with a PH or an F

it would be super sick if santa could bring me instagram reels that don't diagnose me with various conditions for christmas

just saw a horse girl defend childhood bullies bc "their brains aren't fully formed yet" and that's my cue to bully the horse girl

Glen Powell is what the grinch would look like without the green fur

placing flowers on all the curbs I've hit

I keep imagining donald yelling "nobody gives better head than me" in the halls of the white house at no one in particular

gonna start running on all fours for feminism

"AI is gonna steal our jobs" AI can't dig a cemetery plot bitch!

do people in toxic marriages know they can just leave instead of make their shitty lives into content

me: (minding my biz, working) coworker: just so you know, we probably differ in political opinions me: I'd prefer not to talk politics at all tbh coworker: I just need it to be said that I'm a Republican, BUT I do like gay people me: ... coworker: I'm not phobic me: very cool, Kanye

my black cat decided to roll around in the fireplace yesterday and needed to be bathed as a result. he looks like he's seen god and it didn't go well.

pretty sure getting to actually sip on the third straw with the goddess boys could fix me

very Chad of you, Chad

worry is a misuse of your imagination

are you or your loved ones shitting uncontrollably? do you need toilet paper as big as a small child? is this the timeline god abandoned?

satan gets all the credit for all the cool shit I do so if I really am going to hell, it's only to choke him out

your body should have to choose between zits and aging, I should not be breaking out in my 40s at the same time I have sciatica problems, this is horse shit

me: hey man, that person you're choosing? I wouldn't do that, that's gonna go sideways friend: they've only ever been nice to me me, watching that person and everyone they're pals with abandon ship just like I friggin predicted: ...and that's on cream of mushroom soup

what if the S thing we've been drawing for years is just the logo of the company running this simulation