it's big j sunday, blaze up brethren

Boss in the FH group chat: elevator doors are wet, fyi Me: I'm sorry what Heather: [handyman] is painting Me: ohhhhhh Heather: what did you think I meant? Me: we work at a funeral home, wet could literally mean ANYTHING

"today is not the day for scurvy" I whisper as order a mimosa flight at 9am

I just got an award at work that I didn't even know I had been submitted for. Came out number one of five total in our market (which includes four states). I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!!!!

maybe you're not getting head bc your dick isn't covered in doritos dust

lower your voice when you speak to me

it's really too bad we can't lick each other and hallucinate

isn't straight pride just the fourth of july

I smoked the weed that makes you think oh I bet I would play guitar really good rn

[extremely tv announcer voice] introducing masculine hygiene pads! need wings? we use 100% all natural bald eagle! we'll cover the stars while you get your stripes! hoorah

one of my pals at work recently told me that every time they meet someone, they decide whether or not they could kick their ass, and I've adopted this as of late. decided I could kick a lot of your asses, I've never felt better

Chas bleached his hair to see if he could harness 1998 Justin Timberlake but he fucked it up so bad, all of No Stems Attached is discounted til the end of the week

jeef

I would love to do a Korean glass skin care routine on a bald man's dome. I want to see if we can get enough reflection off your skull to hit a third tower.

hanging with my homie gerald

sometimes you gotta scream sing in an empty dive bar drunk on vodka pineapples

done! I've been saying it for years, it's been in my bio for years, had to do it to em

It's tattoo day!!!!!!

yell "last word" at the end of any argument and naruto run away for the most impact

[phone call] homie: thank you for thinking of me! me: I do be thinkin

what if my therapist isn't writing notes about me, what if they're stealing my jokes?

throwback to the time I was heavily distracted by meatballs #jeef

If you're fighting a data center from being built in your area, but still actively use AI, you're like a dog who eats its own shit.

I just used the word denigration correctly in a conversation then left to google it because I was unclear if I actually knew what it meant ~justgirlythings~

what if the whole reason I enjoy working with the dead is bc nobody is running their mouth at me

I can tell from your selfie you have a very particular scent (derogatory)

if the government is gonna throw money at shit nobody asked for... can we solve bugs in the summer? too woke?

I filed my taxes March 3rd and just got my refund approved TODAY. Glad the White House could have a redneck brawl on the lawn though, very cool.

three separate times today, someone has driven past my funeral home blaring "staying alive" by the beegees and it gets funnier every time it occurs

you might have rippling abs but have you ever done long division

squeezing the water outta leafy greens is probably what it feels like to wring out your hair if you're a bog witch

the only sense I can make of cap and no cap is that it is derived from bald men in hats bc what even else would it be

#NewStrainSunday presents: Waffle House You’ll eat too much food inside then get into a fistfight outside

my favorite part of still playing wordle is that I know some of the words

It bothers me when my heart beats extra hard or my stomach is digesting a little too loudly. I shouldn't have to think about my internal organs.

look at my fat, derpy cat

boobs of three, let it be

him: I wish I was AI me: how do you know you're not? him: me: that's why they want us to stay hydrated

calling up JG Wentworth to see if I can get hookers and blow as urgently as cash

boy band called destiny's kyle

bold of you to assume anyone under 45 owns shit or fuck

Found a cremation FAQ booklet at work from the early 90s 🤩

omg mama and baby are in the funeral home garden 🤩

you don't need AI, you need eleventy seven encyclopedia britannicas and the love of a woman

What if we could propagate humans like we do plants? Just casually chopping off a dudes fingers and jamming them into dirt when he says he wants you to have his baby? Magic.

nobody won, I just smoked a joint and realized it didn't fucken matter.

Whenever someone gets weird about this website, I pretend it's 2013 again and they're talking about Vine. Never disappoints.

him: 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 me: what are you doing him: 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 I'm ghosting you me: that's not how any of this works

me: sorry to bother you at work, but I need your help coworker:

wonder who donnie is gonna bomb today for getting booed out of a basketball game