hole reveal at $5,000

my barbies after I cut their hair myself to make them look different

I don't really like mayo, but it's the most neutral food lubricant... like denim for the mouth

You don't see nerds doing glow stick dancing while they suck on pacifiers anymore

I could really go for being turned to stone by Medusa

Quick animal fact: worms don't know wtf is going on, they are literally running on vibes

we should rename "daddy issues" as father malpractice bc it's not my fault that dude is piss and shit at parenting

every town I've ever lived in, and I've lived in five states, has had a unicycle guy. how does one become a unicycle guy? is it born from pain or joy? is god even real?

can't stop thinking about how plentiful this bitch's neck meat is, it's like a labia drawn by AI but it's real and it's in all her wedding photos

started replacing my thoughts and prayers with cauldrons and incantations. put all my crystals in a tube sock so I can swing on em.

just saw an ad that was like "is your teen slamming doors? have you tried any fucken vitamins about it?" like damn fred flintstone, pop off.

we should be able to charge a man's account every time he is intentionally shitty.

found out my boyfriend has never had a deviled egg, once again putting a hex on his good-for-nothing mother for her moral failings.

maybe I'd feel better about life if my undies had the day of the week on them again

my favorite thing about being spectrumy is when I try to understand someone's manipulation to their face. people don't like that, I learned the hard way lmao

really weird that we haven't evolved past the need to lick our lips when they're chapped af when we know that's making it worse

every time I see a subskeet henceforth, I'm assuming they're talking about Jenny McCarthy until I'm told otherwise.

all the homies tryna frig the french

poetry dudes in your DMs: "if you knew I was dying would it change you? if you knew I was dying, would it change anything?"

One of my idiot pals is deep diving haunted books and I think you should scope this little selection if you like mystery and intrigue youtu.be/SE3HFTfRKeo

my fave lore is about my sister and the man she thinks she dated. homie clearly set boundaries, which she told us, regarding his lady returning home from war (a mormon mission), but she thought their hangouts were dates. it's been years and she's convinced he broke up with her to be with HIS LADY.

any witches wanna curse my childhood bully for like... $8? what's the going rate on a curse? can I DIY a curse on YouTube?

there was a girl named brandy in my sixth grade class who wore a new betty boop tee everyday, no noticeable repeats. every time I see betty boop in the wild, I think about brandy and I'm in my 40s.

half my block list has this diagnosis

damn that's crazy

I put the bitch in obituary

[arrives at hospital] yes I’d like to undo drugs

hypothetical: would you choose to live for 10 years as a sentient scab on a dog’s stomach if it meant you would reincarnate as someone who grosses two mil a year from drawing bobs burgers rule 34

I live for an ugly boyfriend reveal. What do you mean he's sentient pizza box with the weirdest facial hair I've ever seen? You cried about t h a t guy? Lmao

you can just post anyone's picture with the caption RIP, it's not even illegal

I watch a fuckload of curly hair videos for a straight haired bitch

What if hell is just heaven for people who aren't fucken losers

I kinda hope that Trump sees all this chatter about how sick it would be if he were dead and that is what actually kills him

My body is READY for the big beautiful obituary

I need you to know I adore a tiny old man in velcro shoes, dawg. Every time I see one, I want to put him on my back and piggy back him to his destination and smooch his little forehead before seeing him off.

this is a grandpa joe hate account. mf can't walk til candy bars are on the line? fuck that bitch ass fizzy lifting stealing slut!

we should bite into blocks of cheeses whenever we want

if we're looking at the bright side, free cremation!

controversial but brave opinion: if you're only having kids to have someone to take care of you when you're old, you shouldn't be having kids. YOU chose to have them, they don't owe you shit for being born. okay see ya!

if the stickers on your rear car window are off center or if you have salt life stickers in a landlocked state, I'll assume you can't do basic addition or that your mom hates you

nepo baby landlord pretends he's a man of the people to fit in with his broke friends who are funnier than him, more at ten

you think I won't block somebody over minuscule shit? I blocked my own mother!

is he attractive or has he only shown you the left side of his head? old phantom of the opera headass

is euthanasia on sale orrrrr...?

I like to imagine rappers fighting but they're all just bouncing back and forth on their tiptoes yelling WHAT at varying tones

we should all flip off the sky more often. at best, god sees it... at minimum an entire boeing 747.

Elon hasn't had a meltdown lately, kinda hoping he goes batshit for my personal entertainment soon

watching people who have subbed you vaguely subbing other people is so funny because it's like watching an episode of lassie. who is it, girl? who's stuck in the proverbial well this time?