People who can be depressed and anxious at the same time are the real multitaskers.

I love feeding my cat so I can have a small furry tyrant glaring at me and trying to will me to dish out food faster with his mind.

I'd be nicer to myself if myself would be less of a fuck up.

Have yourself a melancholy Christmas. Your anxiety was right. From now on our troubles will be day and night.

Keeping a bat next to your bed at night won't keep you safe. Sleep in a crypt with thousands of bats. Your adversaries won't want to tangle with a whole swarm of angry little draculas.

Leaning towards dropping out of society to join a colony of bats. Gonna be pretty sweet lurking in a cave all day to avoid the sun and frolicking under the moon after everyone goes to bed. No more emails or meetings, just me and my new bat friends owning the night.

Evening plans? Probably spend at least an hour carefully selecting a TV show to ignore while I stare at my phone.

no longer trying to be "well-adjusted"— reality's just going to have to adjust to me.

Festive holiday season tips: Leave some schnapps out for Krampus, he's sure to be parched! Swap the mistletoe for a sprig of hemlock, so your suitors know what they're getting into. Skulls of vanquished enemies make a lovely centerpiece.

Another meeting that could have been an ineffectual scream into the void.

It's outrageous that i have to take care of my flesh prison. I don't even like it.

Get her what she really wants this holiday season, a cozy new cloak and a cursed amulet.

If you're happy and you know it, congratulations, you've successfully tuned out reality.

Today's reminder: • everything's fucked • someday the sun will destroy itself and take the earth with it • be sure to floss

"Girls mature faster" You'd mature faster too if you had to start fending off advances from grown men in middle school.

One day they'll say she died doing what she loved: complaining about everything.

Problems that were overblown: • quicksand • people offering me drugs • getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle Problems I was not sufficiently warned about: • arguing with robots about unexpected items in bagging areas • remembering all my passwords • existential dread

Due to personal reasons I’m gonna keep getting weirder, wittier, and more chaotic than ever before.

Do one thing every day that brings you joy. Get outside. Wander a forest. Accept the tutelage of a powerful ancient witch. Become the sinister force that occupies the forest and terrifies the townsfolk. Treat yourself.

I have an inner gremlin who wants to scream and smash things, but instead I have to just go about my stupid day attending to my responsibilities.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a big fan of her candy-based architectural design, was not aware she was eating children.

I want to do cute winter stuff. Drink cocoa, play in the snow, stuff ill-behaved men into a sack and haul them off to the netherworld.

I love that cats were like “who wants to live with an anxious chatty little teddy bear with sharp claws?” and people took them up on it.

“Being miserable is a choice” is my favorite tip from people who are delusional. I like how they’ve both chosen happiness and being a smug prick at the same time.

Next time you see some influencer bragging about how many mortals they’ve enthralled or how big their army of undead henchmen is, just remember not everything you read on the internet is true. You’re doing great. Satan loves you.

Yeah, I got plans later — gonna hit the club (sandwich), have some drinks (herbal tea), and end up in bed with a cutie (my cat).

It’s always inherited trauma and never inherited Gothic castle in the Transylvanian mountains.

Time to feed my cat - mundane - harmless - sounds like a chore Time to bring my familiar an offering - mystical - ominous - sounds like an unholy alliance

Him: you’d be so much prettier if you smiled Medusa: you’d be so much less annoying as a statue

Stop telling me I look young for my age, it’s not a compliment. Tell me I look terrifying for my age!

Girls don’t want a knight in shining armor. We want an enchanted sword that slices through the fabric of time and space at will and a fire-breathing dragon we can ride into battle.

I refuse to age gracefully, I am going to age like one of those fairytale witches, only growing more powerful and notorious each year.

Stop saying “if you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a forest as an ominous supernatural presence.” There is only one thing that will make me happy and it’s haunting the woods!

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, trying to figure out what the unexpected item is in the bagging area.

Him: nice ass, it would look better in my lap Me: nice teeth, they’d look better in a box under my bed

Raising kids: - requires a lot of money - takes 18 years - exhausting Raising a demigod from the netherworld: - requires an occult ritual - takes 18 minutes (give or take, depends on how up on ancient Sumerian you are) - thrilling

I have an inner gremlin who wants to scream and smash things, but instead I have to just go about my stupid day attending to my responsibilities.

Do I battle my own demons? No. Do I have a peaceable agreement with my demons wherein they agree to mostly be chill publicly if I let ‘em rage privately? 100%

All bodies are good bodies. Take pride in your scales and razor-sharp claws. Your dozens of pulsing eyes, blacker than the void itself, are lovely. Don’t be ashamed of your enormous tentacles, moist and writhing as you grope for a billionaire’s yacht. To me you are perfect.

Ways my cat is like a vampire: - sharp pointy fangs - looks handsome and youthful despite being very old - sleeps all day - must feed on the innocent in order to live

Trying to change him: - time consuming - high effort for low reward - adheres to traditional gender roles Changing him to stone with a terrifying glare: - immediately satisfying - low effort for high reward - adheres to traditional witch lore

My plans: clean house, run errands, cook My day: depression nap, doom scrolling, and “just one more episode” of a show I’ve already seen

Demon who possesses me: What’s that weird uncomfortable feeling? Me: Oh you mean that ever-present sense of doom? Demon: Yeah, wtf? Me: That’s been there, bruh, shoulda looked before you leaped.

There is no rule that says you can’t be a captivating forest pixie and an intimidating ancient hell goddess. Hecate had three forms. You needn’t commit to just one.

Practice self care like a Venus Fly Trap. Stay hydrated and destroy whatever pest invades your personal space.

The early bird might get the worm, but the night goddess gets a black cloak made of stars and a flying chariot pulled by dark horses.

It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay if you need to rest. Cthulhu has been in a death-like slumber for eons and he’s still a legendary cosmic horror. Take that nap if you need it — your cult can wait!

Don’t be a replacement for his mother. Be a replacement for the thing under his bed that he was afraid of as a child — mysterious, elusive, and probably from a hell dimension.

good news: my body is a temple great news: it’s a temple to a horrifying tentacled elder god

Actually, I’m exactly like the other girls. (I wanna offer you to an infernal entity in exchange for otherworldly powers.)