I'm just a girl standing before an inter dimensional portal asking it to take me to another reality.

Girls just wanna have fun...ctioning government

Not to brag, but I'm currently living my villain origin story.

Due to personal reasons, I'm gonna keep getting weirder, wittier, and more chaotic than ever before.

What kind of wine goes with watching the downfall of society?

Karma's out there on a permanent vacation and the rest of us are stuck here toiling.

We get so worried about being pretty. Let's be pretty bizarre. Pretty haunting. Pretty formidable.

I know I can't please everyone, but I am pretty confident in my ability to displease anyone.

Time to slip out of my daytime anxiety, and into my evening depression.

Once I learn to fold time and tear open inter-dimensional portals at will, it's all over for my haters.

Normalize sacrificing greedy land developers in sleepy coastal towns to a vengeful sea god.

Never feel bad about summoning a poltergeist to do your bidding, a recent poll revealed most poltergeists don't have jobs and would enjoy a little project to pass the time.

You know what you want, don't be afraid to get out there and conjure it from the netherworld.

You don't need to earn rest. You don't need to earn a restorative slumber in the mud of your homeland. You don't need to earn transforming into a bat and menacing the township. You don't need to earn the nourishing blood of a sycophantic virgin. Self care is for everybody.

I don't want to rise and grind. I want to rise and do witchcraft. I don't want to put in face time with a boss. I want to put in face time with a necromancy goddess. I don't want to create pivot tables in excel. I want to create fear in the hearts of men.

I'm not a friend with benefits. I am a friend with drawbacks.

I don't need therapy. I need to see Cerberus rise up from the netherworld to devour every war criminal and sex offender on the planet in a single afternoon.

Sorry I'm late, I was just teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown over how fucking stupid everything is all the time, and how we can't seem to do anything about it.

Fuck healing, I want to emerge from a chrysalis as an entirely different being.

There is nothing wrong with taking some "me" time. Enjoy an afternoon nap, take a break from social media, disappear into an alternate dimension via an enchanted wardrobe that you bought from a mysterious antiques dealer — do something for you for a change!

Brain: *Everything is awful. It's all hopeless. I hate everything* Them: How's it going? Me: Fine thanks, how are you?

I'm just a girl sitting in front of a cat asking her to purr on my lap and regulate my nervous system.

Yeah, I have SMART goals: - Sinister - Magical - Arcane - Ritual - Trickery

I like my coffee like I like my authentic self, dark and bitter.

It's a perfect day to seize an unsuspecting mortal and whisk him off to the Underworld.

The best revenge is living well-connected to powerful supernatural forces hellbent on the destruction of your adversaries.

"Don't let your thoughts control your feelings." Okay, Cynthia, but I was just thinking about you being swallowed by an inter-dimensional portal and it was really improving my mood.

What vengeful ancient hell god did I offend to end up with...*gestures at everything* this?

I don't know about you, but I look forward to being a ghost. It comes with zero actual responsibilities. Just gonna haunt and chill.

Anxiety any time anything goes wrong: I hate to say I told you so, but — who am I kidding? it's literally my favorite thing to say.

No one has bought into hustle culture more than my anxiety, it's up at dawn, never takes a day off, honestly just crushing it. And by "it", I mean me.

Don't worry about me, worry about humanity's nihilism-fueled inexorable march toward it's own destruction.

Them: why can't you be more positive? Me: I am positive we are trapped in an unrelenting abyss of waking nightmares.

"My biggest fear is that I'll meet someone, we really hit it off, and then boom, I find out our astrological signs aren't really compatible!" Weird, for me it's being buried alive.

What's the astrology phenomenon called where everything is in retrograde for like 20 or so years?

Being a shark sounds pretty sweet. Don't really have to watch what you eat, no more stress dreams about your teeth falling out, and if you wanna hang out at the beach people will just leave and let you have it to yourself.

What I lack in good decision making I make up for with unrelenting self-criticism.

How to make a crypt feel like a home: - Plant a hemlock garden - Decorate with a throw made from the finest cobwebs - Invite the shadow goblins over for tea - Light a few scented candles

Them: What did you want to be when you were a kid? Me: A vengeful ghost haunting a sprawling dilapidated estate.

It's so rude that I have yet to inherit a deteriorating countryside manor with a paranormal atmosphere.

Spring is right around the corner, treat yourself to an outdoor adventure. Go skinny dipping in a bog. Indulge in a mushroom trip with some squirrels. Get engaged to a forest nymph. It's time to enjoy nature again.

Things we are welcoming this spring: - getting outside - enjoying the simple things - offering men who tell us to smile to Cybele, the blood-fueled mother goddess, so the violets bloom

People who overcome darkness in their lives do so by seizing the darkness by the throat and making it their little bitch.

As an eccentric shut-in hiding out in a crumbling Victorian mansion, you can only have two kinds of friends: beautiful young girls you will mold into instruments of vengeance and a family of opossums who have taken up residence in your attic.

Brenda: Aren't you worried about going to hell? Me: *gestures at everything* look around you, Brenda. I am like a hellscape connoisseur at this point.

Life is short. Drink the forbidden potion. Read the enchanted manuscript. Command an army of colossal murderous tarantulas. Seize the day, tomorrow isn't promised.

Get in loser, we're going to contemplate the fleeting nature of our own existence.

Changed email signature at work to "cursedly yours" because I want people to know what they are getting into.

Ignore those fools who say they want “positive vibes only.” Everyone knows you need positively and negatively charged electrodes to animate the creature you’ve assembled from the remains of the dead in your basement. Don’t listen to idiots.

Netflix: Would you like to watch a true crime documentary? Me: No thanks, I'm already living in one.