Next time you see some influencer bragging about how many mortals they’ve enthralled or how big their army of undead henchmen is, just remember not everything you read on the internet is true. You’re doing great. Satan loves you.

Yeah, I got plans later — gonna hit the club (sandwich), have some drinks (herbal tea), and end up in bed with a cutie (my cat).

It’s always inherited trauma and never inherited Gothic castle in the Transylvanian mountains.

Time to feed my cat - mundane - harmless - sounds like a chore Time to bring my familiar an offering - mystical - ominous - sounds like an unholy alliance

Him: you’d be so much prettier if you smiled Medusa: you’d be so much less annoying as a statue

Stop telling me I look young for my age, it’s not a compliment. Tell me I look terrifying for my age!

Girls don’t want a knight in shining armor. We want an enchanted sword that slices through the fabric of time and space at will and a fire-breathing dragon we can ride into battle.

I refuse to age gracefully, I am going to age like one of those fairytale witches, only growing more powerful and notorious each year.

Stop saying “if you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a forest as an ominous supernatural presence.” There is only one thing that will make me happy and it’s haunting the woods!

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, trying to figure out what the unexpected item is in the bagging area.

Him: nice ass, it would look better in my lap Me: nice teeth, they’d look better in a box under my bed

Raising kids: - requires a lot of money - takes 18 years - exhausting Raising a demigod from the netherworld: - requires an occult ritual - takes 18 minutes (give or take, depends on how up on ancient Sumerian you are) - thrilling

I have an inner gremlin who wants to scream and smash things, but instead I have to just go about my stupid day attending to my responsibilities.

Do I battle my own demons? No. Do I have a peaceable agreement with my demons wherein they agree to mostly be chill publicly if I let ‘em rage privately? 100%

All bodies are good bodies. Take pride in your scales and razor-sharp claws. Your dozens of pulsing eyes, blacker than the void itself, are lovely. Don’t be ashamed of your enormous tentacles, moist and writhing as you grope for a billionaire’s yacht. To me you are perfect.

Ways my cat is like a vampire: - sharp pointy fangs - looks handsome and youthful despite being very old - sleeps all day - must feed on the innocent in order to live

Trying to change him: - time consuming - high effort for low reward - adheres to traditional gender roles Changing him to stone with a terrifying glare: - immediately satisfying - low effort for high reward - adheres to traditional witch lore

My plans: clean house, run errands, cook My day: depression nap, doom scrolling, and “just one more episode” of a show I’ve already seen

Demon who possesses me: What’s that weird uncomfortable feeling? Me: Oh you mean that ever-present sense of doom? Demon: Yeah, wtf? Me: That’s been there, bruh, shoulda looked before you leaped.

There is no rule that says you can’t be a captivating forest pixie and an intimidating ancient hell goddess. Hecate had three forms. You needn’t commit to just one.

Practice self care like a Venus Fly Trap. Stay hydrated and destroy whatever pest invades your personal space.

The early bird might get the worm, but the night goddess gets a black cloak made of stars and a flying chariot pulled by dark horses.

It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay if you need to rest. Cthulhu has been in a death-like slumber for eons and he’s still a legendary cosmic horror. Take that nap if you need it — your cult can wait!

Don’t be a replacement for his mother. Be a replacement for the thing under his bed that he was afraid of as a child — mysterious, elusive, and probably from a hell dimension.

good news: my body is a temple great news: it’s a temple to a horrifying tentacled elder god

Actually, I’m exactly like the other girls. (I wanna offer you to an infernal entity in exchange for otherworldly powers.)

Women will say they just want a “quick little peek” in the antique shop, and then come out an hour later with an enchanted locket that devours the souls of their adversaries.

You are always one decision away from leaving society for the ominous lure of a dense forest occupied by a powerful supernatural entity.

Society’s like “have a career, get married, have kids,” but my shadow self is like “have an occult library, get a reputation as a powerful sorceress the townsfolk avoid, have an army of giant fire-breathing serpents do your bidding.”

Them: Do one thing every day that scares you. Me: Does getting out of bed count?

Everything being the absolute worst at all times is exhausting.

Him: What’s in this cocktail? It’s so good! Her: Hemlock.

People are like “follow your heart,” but what if your heart is under a floorboard slowly driving an unreliable narrator insane?

The best time to start your necromancy cult was 20 years ago, The second best time is now.

A woman’s place is at the helm of a powerful coven, where she can bend reality to her will and strike fear in the hearts of men.

Stop waiting for permission to follow your dreams. Get out there and enthrall a primordial evil and force it to accept you as its master.

Most human bodies are around 60% water, but mine is 60% anxiety.

It’s always: * baby * sweetie * darling And never: * devourer of souls * unspeakable fiend * bringer of oblivion

Cats are so metal. They’re always like “worship me like an ancient god” and “feed me the flesh of the dead.”

Sure, sleep is cool, but have you ever laid in bed awake all night thinking about how terrible the world is?

Interviewer: tell us about a recent accomplishment you’re proud of. Me: I made it the whole week only screaming on the inside.

I don’t want to have children. I want to have a collection of 12 ft tall skeletons who I can dress up in frilly outfits with a guillotine for Bastille Day.

Me: maybe it would be nice to get out a little. Me after getting out a little: I am never leaving the house again.

Me to myself every time I have to talk to anyone: *don’t be weird! don’t be weird!* Me out loud: Gow’s it hoing?

“I hope this email finds you well” • bland • sets a tone of benevolence • conveys a sense of warmth “I hope this email finds you or I will” • spicy • sets a tone of malevolence • conveys a sense of peril

She is clothed in anxiety and loungewear.

“wE’Re aLL iN thIS toGetHeR!” Yeah, like hostages.

Practice self-care like a raccoon, eat trash and hiss at people who approach you.

Imagine living on a planet with kittens and starry skies and sandwiches and choosing to spend your time terrorizing people.

Things I have in common with crows: - always wear black - enjoy the outdoors - appreciate pretty sparkly things - vengeful when crossed