Fellas, if shes -attractive -always horny -super into you -haunting your dreams -dragon-winged and sharp claws -devouring your soul That's not your girlfriend, that's a succubus!

Replying "fine, thanks" when someone asks "how are you" -bland -predictable -suggests tacit approval of pointless social conventions Replying "impatiently waiting for the old ones to awaken" -mysterious -foreboding -likely to prevent additional mundane chit chat

God: Let's make some bald, self-aware monkeys and put 'em on a planet full of fun stuff like booze and cake! And let's make them completely driven by their urges for these things! Angel: Sweet! So they just get to enjoy all these treats? God: Fuck no! That shit will kill them!

You're in his DMs. I'm haunting a portrait in his dilapidated Victorian mansion. We are not the same.

I don't want to be a fairytale princess with puffy gowns and some hanger-on prince. I want to be notorious and live in a chicken-legged hut in the woods.

"Consume the darkness before the darkness consumes you." -me muttering to my morning coffee

No, I don't have "people skills", I was raised by banshees amid the shadows on the moors.

Imagine living on a planet with kittens and starry skies and and sandwiches and choosing to spend your time terrorizing people.

"It's just a really bad time right now." - me for several decades.

Anyone else get the sense the universe is using AI to write the plot and we’re all stuck in this storyline that would get you a D in a remedial writing class?

Marshall Law > Martial Law Marshall Law: woo, designer goods at a discount. Grab your MasterCard, Aunt Carol! Martial Law: boo, state violence against the citizenry. Grab your Glock, Aunt Carol!

Girls will be like, "This is my comfort food" and it's the entrails of their adversaries.

Sometimes you just gotta go where life takes you, and sometimes life takes you to an abandoned cabin in a forest clearing on a stormy night. Take a chance, go inside!

People are always like, "Just do your best," but doing my "best" is still alarmingly terrible.

I don't dress for women. I don't dress for men. I dress for the murder of crows I've struck a pack with, wherein I will trade them sparkling jewels in exchange for the entrails of my adversaries.

Good news: life is full of endless possibilities. Bad news: most of them are terrible.

"When are you gonna have kids?" •rude •implies everyone wants kids •imposes an arbitrary "LifeScript" on people "When are you gonna leave your indelible mark on this plane of existence?" •exciting •implies other planes of existence •leaves room for offspring or villainy

Every day is a gift. Wait no... every day is a grift. Existence is a scam. We're all getting played

Do I live with intention? No. But do I live with apprehension? Constantly.

Actually, I'm exactly like other girls (I wanna offer you to an infernal entity in exchange for otherworldly powers)

I miss the days when people who joined cults dropped out of society.

I’m just a girl sitting in front of a cat asking her to purr on my lap and regulate my nervous system.

Normalise unleashing a malevolent poltergeist on men who won't take "no" for no answer

Currently living in a Godzilla movie with a bunch of people running around screaming, "We must stop the monster trampling on everything," a bunch of people who barely seem aware of Godzilla because he hasn't trampled their neighborhood yet, and a bunch of people inexplicably cheering Godzilla on.

Americans: we would like fewer public shootings US Govt: best we can do is use your tax dollars to pay people to do public shootings

There is no rule that says you can't be a captivating forest pixie and an intimidating ancient hell goddess. Hecate had three forms. You needn't commit to just one.

The older I get, the less I understand people.

Coolest ways to die: - Devoured by a werewolf under a full moon - Murdered in a haunted house by a vengeful ghost - Turned into an enduring statue by a gorgon's gaze

Eat the cake. Buy the books. Master sorcery. Hex a nemesis. Ride a dragon off into the sunset. Life is too short not to treat yourself.

Wishing your enemies catastrophic harm will usually end in dissapointment. That's why you should wish them moderate inconvenience instead. Keeping expectations reasonable is the key to success.

So rude of feelings to not be rational.

The universe doesn't want me to be happy.

I was led to believe the apocalypse would be a lot more expedient than this.

I refuse to rest in peace; I expect to haunt in retribution.

Top hits charting in a brain near you! • Intrusive thoughts • Worst-case scenarios • Negative self-talk • Despair • That annoying jingle from the commercial that always seems to be on.... you the know the one

In case no one told you today: Your teeth look sharp. Your visage terrifies men. The crown of femurs atop your head is dazzling.

Have yourself a merry little existential crisis.

Success requires 5 things: • Patience • Passion • Hard work on your black magic game • Ritual sacrifice to an ancient sea god • Faith in a malevolent power

Them: You should consider this unfortunate turn of events an opportunity. My Anxiety: I am way ahead of you! *cackles*

The world is your oyster. Raw, overpriced, and likely to make you sick.

Ladies, don't be a replacement for his mother. Be a replacement for the thing under his bed that he was afraid of as a child—mysterious, elusive, and probably from a hell dimension.

I am terrible to play board games with because I could not care less about winning board games, so instead I turn my attention towards causing as much chaos in the game as possible, like a little tabletop imp.

That which does not kill me only makes me adopt maladaptive coping behaviors.

Don't be too hard on yourself about your weaknesses. We all have them. Dracula can't even go outside during the day, and he's still the immortal prince of darkness.

Nothing is ever as bad as you think it is. It's actually much worse.

It gets better. I mean, not necessarily for me, but probably for someone.

My favorite form of self-care is conjuring a dark and unspeakable evil and letting it deal with my problems for the day.

Them: Love and light✨ Me: Scorn and darkness🖤

It's okay to take a break. It's okay if you need to rest. Cthulhu has been in a death-like slumber for eons and he's still a legendary cosmic horror. Take that nap if you need it—your cult can wait!

It’s a brand new year, full of treachery, get ready to be menaced!