Brenda: Aren't you worried about going to hell? Me: *gestures at everything* look around you, Brenda. I am like a hellscape connoisseur at this point.

Life is short. Drink the forbidden potion. Read the enchanted manuscript. Command an army of colossal murderous tarantulas. Seize the day, tomorrow isn't promised.

Get in loser, we're going to contemplate the fleeting nature of our own existence.

Changed email signature at work to "cursedly yours" because I want people to know what they are getting into.

Ignore those fools who say they want “positive vibes only.” Everyone knows you need positively and negatively charged electrodes to animate the creature you’ve assembled from the remains of the dead in your basement. Don’t listen to idiots.

Netflix: Would you like to watch a true crime documentary? Me: No thanks, I'm already living in one.

Me: OMG! Him: what do you mean OMG? I thought you were an atheist. Me: the G is for gorgon.

She is clothed in anxiety and loungewear.

I am no longer trying my best. What has that ever done for me? From now on I'm trying my worst.

Every day is taxing in the existential sense, this season ain't special.

You'll never find success by relying on other people. Success comes from harnessing otherworldly powers and casting your detractors into an inescapable hell dimension.

I am a lot like a vintage car – high maintenance, always breaking down, and only of interest to a very niche audience.

The average person has 50,000 thoughts every day, and I have at least 50,000 thoughts every day that involve the F-word.

them: you can't just keep running from your problems me: okay, but I can probably wall some of them up in a wine cellar

The glass is half full...of strychnine.

I can relate to my cat because I want to be spoiled and admired but slap anything I don't like.

Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by existing.

An Irish goodbye, but it's a howling banshee foretelling your demise

Only two things are infinite: the universe and it's relentless malevolence.

Some may not like it when you start setting boundaries, but it will serve you well in the long run. Lucifer got kicked out of his father's house for setting boundaries, and look at him now: King of Hell. Set boundaries. Rule your domain

Find someone who looks at you the way a freshly turned she-wolf looks at the ominous glow of a harvest moon.

I don’t need therapy. I need to see Cerberus rise up from the netherworld to devour every war criminal and sex offender on the planet in a single afternoon.

Another fucking day that I'm not an ominous formless presence haunting the astral plane

You can't find happiness in material things, happiness comes from discovering a pit full of flesh-eating prehistoric monsters in a forest and nourishing them with whomever crosses you.

Sorry, what were you saying? My intrusive thoughts gremlin was suggesting I consider impaling you with that fork.

The universe has a plan for you. Not a good plan, but it is a plan.

Did I do anything productive today? No But did I just enjoy it instead of thinking about stuff I should be doing? Also no.

Ok wow, unfollowing, was a big fan of his grandma nightgown hauls. Had no idea he was huffing and puffing and blowing houses in.

It takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown. This isn't melancholy, it's a fitness routine.

My body is not a temple, my body is a shrine to nachos and lazing

The feeling of being watched, but it's your inner critic waiting for the smallest slip up.

Me: I could really use a break from things being horrible. Universe: Did someone say break things?! On it!

If things are terrible right now, just know it won't always be the same. The universe will find new and exciting ways to make things a different kind of terrible.

Vilify me like one of your snake-haired girls.

For improved sleep quality be sure to leave an offering for the raven rapping at your chamber door.

Crows are such a sight. Looking ominous with their little crew. Always flexing in their impeccable goth attire. Who are they going to avenge today? Can I join?

Online ads are always like "do you want to buy this organic hair mask for split ends or do you want to continue to look like an absolute goblin?"

Marriage is just asking the same person what they want for dinner every day, only for them to ask you what you want, until one of you dies.

Reminders to self: Your darkness emanates from your aura like nightfall itself. The mere mention of your name inspires unspeakable dread. Your notoriety in the underworld precedes you.

Gonna do a romantic night in with my dude. Gonna light a couple candles, play some music, and stare at our phones while occasionally texting each other memes.

I can relate to the sun because I am hot, distant, volatile, and eventually going to self-destruct.

Us this tax season 🫠

You are always one decision away from leaving society for the ominous lure of a dense forest occupied by a powerful supernatural entity.

Good grief, how bad was I in my past life?!

Me: when I was a kid I loved fairytales. Them: oh, like with princes and princesses and fairy godmothers? Me: ew, no, like with witchcraft, cross-dressing wolves, and cannibalism

My whole day is just a series of me muttering "wtf" and regretting my life choices.

Evening plans? Probably spend at least an hour carefully selecting a TV show to ignore while I stare at my phone.

Practice self-care like a cactus. Bask in the sunshine and stab anyone who tries to touch you.

Yeah, I have SMART goals: - Sinister - Magical - Arcane - Ritual - Trickery

They're all "be your authentic self" until your inner sloppy goblin comes out and then they're all "put some pants on" and "stop licking pie plates in public."