The other night I was humbled by a craft project but last night I redeemed myself and made this hoodie my bitch

If you’re tired of me here imagine me texting you all day

First date idea MM DD YYYY Second date idea DD MM YYYY

The other night I was humbled by a craft project but last night I redeemed myself and made this hoodie my bitch

big plans tonight (absolutely nothing)

Me: passionately ranting about an inconvenience Him: *solves it in 2.5 seconds* Me: no actually I wanted to marinate in my suffering for a minute

Cause baby, you've got a love like war Beat me down till I can't take more We'll go round after round Till we can't pick ourselves off the ground

Him: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN Me: I got lost in your eyes baby

What in the fuck is happening?

Making a woman cry from being constantly sexualized is disgusting nasty work

We can hold hands, frolic on the beach, give each other sweet little kisses, and cast spells on our enemies. 🩸

You guys, it is very rare that I get humbled by a craft project and tonight was one of those nights RIP to the hoodie I destroyed

Happy birthday to my bestest friend @richtate.com , the only person I’d help hide a body without asking questions (but I would complain about the weight) I love and adore you dearly and hope you had a great day toooooday!

Stop fucking around and flirt with me ffs

HR Manager: “Did you call your coworker stupid?” Me: “No I said “Are you stupid?” I was conducting an investigation”

I am both dumber and smarter than you think. Never underestimate me.

Them: the world doesn’t revolve around you Me: that’s news to me

him: you’re going to break your neck using a chair to reach the kitchen cabinets me: risk is all part of the thrill baby

It doesn’t matter where I am, if I hear a banger, I’m going to do a little dancey dance

The people that say “money can’t buy happiness” clearly never bought craft supplies

@willcrashout.bsky.social oh hey look it’s your theme song

We all just wanna be worshipped here. No big deal. No pressure whatsoever

If you’ve been holding out on following me now’s your chance! I’m so close to 1k I could burst!!!

*at home wearing sweatpants and a hoodie* Me: I should change into something nicer before I leave today *puts on a different hoodie and sweatpants*

I’m sorry I left you on read, it’s just that last apocalyptic event really took my sanity, and now I must fight a horde of gay giraffes to get it back.

List 3 things you can talk about for 3 hours with no prep 1. Music 2. WWE 3. The Office

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY I WANNA RIDE IT LIKE YOUR MOM

Builds a time machine. Plays Ocarina of Time again for the first time

i need to be put in a shock collar for my self sabotaging behavior

Disassociating! at my desk

Koko: hello mother, it is I, the blessing of your life, and I want attention. Give it to me or I’ll scream all day

They say “you are what you eat” but I don’t remember eating an anxious disappointment with a caffeine addiction

My autopsy: cause of death, no iced coffee

Neurodivergents make the best lovers

🔵 MENTAL HEALTH CHECK-IN 🔵 💚 I’m doing great 💙 I’m okay 💛 I’m okay-ish 💜 Things are tough 🧡 I’m struggling with Something ❤ I’m having a hard time and wouldn’t mind if someone reached out to me 🖤 I’m in a really dark place

Ain't no way Steve Miller waited until midnight every night, you know some nights he was a 7:45 PM toker

Him: can I tell you a dirty secret? I don’t have any tattoos Me: so basically I wear the pants here, got it

I'm sorry for what I said when my sleeves kept touching my arms

"Go home, you're AI" is the new "go home, you're drunk."

Do not text me “wyd” unless you want to know in excruciating detail what exactly it is I’m doing

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but *revs up chainsaw*

Whatever you do don’t

Adderall gives you psoriasis

I'll tell you who did get raptured today; a whole bunch of my potential future kids.

Raptured mid-intercourse = the ultimate edging

Quote with your reaction to getting left behind during the rapture:

*drinking a Diet Coke* Me: damn, this shit is bussin

Physically, I look like I’m working but mentally I am trying to figure out how to make this craft project

What if everyone masturbating disappeared at once? Call that a fapture

i am crying you’re crying it’s a crying party but it’s okay because we’re going to call them tears of joy