Applesauce is just fruit you don’t have to chew

plan a:lright let’s do this. plan b:ack up! plan c:atastrophic failure… plan d:is shit is fucked 🤷‍♀️

"I won't think about it anymore" me all night:

Now back to your regularly scheduled shitposting I traded in my lemon cucumber water for lemon cucumber vodka and felt my body pleasure sigh

I think some people genuinely do not understand how terrifying it is to survive abuse and then meet someone who starts displaying the same mannerisms, emotional reactions, and entitlement patterns as your abuser

freddie mercury wrote the song killer queen about me. many people are unaware of this fact

i’m thinking about becoming a street preacher but instead of spreading the word of the lord i’ll just talk about titties

In the mood to call out a man for his whack ass behavior

Brb changing my handle to devimidside

Some days, I get by. Other days, I slap the day's ass and call her mine.

My dream job is a lighthouse keeper because I already isolate myself and never go anywhere

Believe it or not, I’m an open book

*me, penning a love letter* Want to get high, binge on snacks and watch tv together? y/n

Quentin Tarantino's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun”

☆ copy this to your profile and let your mutuals tell you their first impression of you ☆

Peace, love and please, don't talk to me.

Skeeting in incognito mode (my tiny alt account)

I just had the creepiest DoorDash driver ever after thinking “man I am so lucky that I’ve never had to deal with a creepy DoorDash driver”

regret to inform you I am not a catfish I am actually This Way

I haven’t had meatloaf in years simply because I don’t like ketchup so I’m trying out a new recipe today

They should invent a way to make money without having to do anything.

Don’t send that paragraph begging for someone to treat you better. Block and go about your day

I often think of Jan saying, when Pam is listing why she can’t go to art school, “you know, there are always a million reasons not to do something.” I think about this a LOT.

Catfishes are the Nigerian princes of social media

Eating hot Cheetos with the hope of becoming a fire breathing dragon

“I’m not a catfish” That sounds like something a catfish would say

now that pennies are discontinued what are we supposed to be pinching? is it butts

I cashed in my credit card rewards points for Barnes and Noble gift cards. This next book haul is about to be lit

Sorry guys, my mid jokes are running everyone off of Bluesky

I’m covered in saw dust and wood stain. Who’s your daddy

Guy who pronounces "Camelot" as "came-alot."

Feeling fresh af (made lemon cucumber water)

My grandma has dementia so every conversation is either devastating or the funniest improv set I’ve ever witnessed. No in between

no matter what you're talking about, there is somebody on this site who doesn't think you should ever be talking about that

I used to be fueled by spite. Now I have to drink water and go to therapy. This is outrageous

I found a penny outside heads up so maybe this means I’ll finally win the lottery

my hobbies include replacing hyperfixations with new hyperfixations

The Forbidden Lamp CarmesJocelin

Conspiracy theory: the humane society and animal shelters give fur babies quirky names to increase their chances of being adopted

you can criticize people without being ableist, transphobic, homophobic, fatphobic, racist, sexist etc, it's important to me that you know that

British owls be all: hooT

I don't have a life worth ruining (flirting).

Gay build a bear workshop/bar If you build it they will cum

A Tuesday after a Monday holiday is like a set of twins that change places

You can’t call a blender a Ninja when it makes that much fucking noise.

Today’s one of those “Head empty, no skeets” days

i act like it don’t bother me but it do

@jamsess10n.bsky.social hey James! Just wanted to get an understanding as to what your intent behind this comment was

acab includes dogs that don’t say hi. and cocker spaniels

ew. need i say more