I’m mad at past Devi for not buying snacks at the store

i scroll i lurk i make an appearance you’re welcome

I wish I was this unbothered

I’m mad at past Devi for not buying snacks at the store

ads on amazon prime video are the #1 reason for alcoholism in the united states

Chick-fil-A employees hand you your food like they’re presenting Simba to the kingdom

The key fob for my car is held together with tape and vibes

We pay bills just to unlock the privilege of paying more bills

can’t stop won’t stop *being annoying*

i don’t know any williams so why am i paying so many bills?

Me: *eating a salad* damn I want McDonald’s

1. Denial 2. Bargaining 3. Anger 4. Depression 5. A̶c̶c̶e̶p̶t̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ Muting the Name

Watching Perfect Match on Netflix and I hate that I was forced to side with a man

I don’t think I did the shrooms. I think the shrooms did me

potatoes are probably our best thing

This cheese and bacon quesadilla FUCKS

If I ever die, please delete everything in my drafts.

Hey. Just a reminder. Wash your butthole.

Can I legally fire someone for installing the toilet paper roll backwards?

I keep checking my drafts like there’s gonna be something good in there

Sliding into your DM like: Thanks for being nice to me 🥹

Happy Saturday ☀️

don’t let me spend any more money

I can't sorry, I'm unclenching my jaw, gonna take a few days

Tell your homies you love them

The 40 Year Old Mitch

Verify my age? Motherfucker, im on bluesky

I am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘 tattooed baddie looking for: ⚪️ friendship ⚪️ love 🔘 a hot gamer man

My fur babies have higher living standards than I do and apparently I’m the one funding their luxury lifestyle

When the planned lazy day turns into a full-fledged cleaning bender.

"I don't have a type!" Golden Retriever gamer with a dad bod and facial hair

I would NOT walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it sounds awful

Texted my ex husband: it’s called co-pawrenting. Please respect our modern family and pay your fur baby support

If you’re gonna slide into my DMs just know we’re OSHA compliant now

Yeah I have double Ds Dino nuggets Discount wine

None 🥺

At this point I’m not looking for my soulmate. I’m looking for someone who won’t make me explain why I have three emotional support beverages

My vacation officially starts now and I started it by redecorating the master bathroom

to avoid being perceived in public I get real still and pretend everyone is a t-rex

Hot girls are directionally challenged

My bed is a king because it’s occupied by royalty and approximately 12 pillows

Me texting my bestie: I have some news and you’re going to have some opinions about it

The dating pool has pee in it

My stepdad has a podcast in case yall were interested

i do be knowing shit

*on a FaceTime* Apple: Connection unstable Me: awww just like us

My talent is taking a normal pleasant conversation and making it awkward

Physically sitting at my desk, mentally in the swimming pool

women can exist without you constantly sexualizing them.

Hi I love you okay bye