Is it a blessing or a curse when your parents are pushing 70 and sex positive? Because my mom just called and during our conversation she complained that their favorite adult store is closing and I don't know what to do with that information. So I'm sharing it with all of you. You're welcome.

i get the very real sense that some of you aren't taking your meds

bouncing on it in a way that delivers actionable insights

distressed jeans worried shorts anxious tank top panicked girdle

Him: You up? Me: [stuffing a 7th deviled egg in my face] For the purposes of this text, no.

I told my ex to stop using ad hominem in arguments and he berated me for trying to sound intelligent by using big words.

the little piggy who’s wearing my pants ate too many peeps and now she can’t move

You can boston cream my donut if you wanna

we’ll know when ai becomes generally intelligent because it will be as lazy as we are

My skeets are so good they make you chuckle, nod, then reskeet

Put my hoodie on backwards and just left it that way

(eats book from cover to cover, regurgitates wet and steaming clump of pulp) LOOK MOM, I'M AI.

I’m like if hail damage were a person.

I’m Canadian, of course I cover myself in maple and dance naked under the full moon.

pretty interesting how for a vasectomy they stick a syringe in each testicle and just shloorp the cum out

i'm (not) sorry for the things i said when i had too much caffeine (i meant every word)

sprinkling replies here there and everywhere like some sort of demented fairy ✨

I sat at the grocery store parking lot for 40 minutes to catch up on Bluesky. This is how I show you how much I care. It was a prime spot too.

oh yeah? well quote post this (jerkoff motion)

Sorry for all the jerk off posts. I’m feeling a bit repressed.

Beethoven was definitely my least favorite ninja turtle

I don't know what you've heard, but I'm delightful as fuck.

Just put three 11-12 pound hams in the freezer because they were on sale for less than a dollar per pound. Try to control your boner.

If you don't become irrationally angry or inconveniently horny when you think of me... I must be slacking.

anyone who says they’re not afraid of heights hasn’t seen what gravity did to my boobs

I’m old enough to remember when “tracking” wasn’t about data — it was fixing the lines on your VHS so the movie didn’t look haunted.

I don’t trust that pen I stole from my bank

we don’t care who you spread your legs for ma’am. Release the files.

so i turned it into a joke because if i don't turn things into jokes the devil wins

I want to live in a world with more muffins. (Except bran muffins, they are a cruel trick like oatmeal raisin cookies)

I scream when I see anything resembling a bug, and yet I have more testicular fortitude than the Republicans in Congress.

What this godforsaken hellplanet needs is a GOD DAMN PUPPET SHOW

Not to brag but I smell like I should be sitting in a coconut holding a paper umbrella.

I regret to inform you that I will never stop trying to make you laugh

they should invent exercise that isn’t so exhausting

they should invent a pasta that doesn’t leave you hungry an hour or so later

Hitting like on a post after sending a reply so they don't know how long it took to write and delete it six times.

Some moms give their children excellent life advice. My mom told me always fight naked to get to the make up sex faster.

I have multiple pets. There's no patience left for all this human bullshit.

Fantasy: all night long Reality: rare and unsatisfactory This post is about sleep.

COMMERCIAL: do you have what it takes ME: I sincerely hope not

I’ve decided to play dead like an opossum until the world sorts itself out.

Feelings, like glands, need to be expressed every now and again, or someday you will find yourself in a crowded carpeted room, dragging your sad across the floor just to experience some kind of relief.

ME: never assume WIFE: because it makes an ass of u and me? ME: what did i just say diane

I scare people away by asking them their longitude and latitude location

The burden of growth is knowing exactly when I’m the problem, which is never

My kid tells me to make my bed at least 3 times a week if you were wondering about my mother of the year eligibility.

I wish I had the confidence of RFK Jr starting a podcast.

Confident me will buy a dress and be determined to wear it fat. Of course they're always delivered when I'm hating everything about my reflection.