Imagine following me because of a rare political post then finding out it's mostly shower pics, social anxiety, and self deprecating humor over here.

Surviving the day with a never empty coffee cup and stopping to scream "fuck" into a pillow as necessary.

this rapture could’ve been a handjob

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

Getting frisked at the airport is the best action I’ve seen in a while.

I'm similar to cats bc I'll stop and clean my butthole anywhere.

My ten gallon hat only holds nine gallons of salsa

i muted the word rapture and most of my timeline disappeared, which is a sort of rapture in and of itself

replying to all posts today with "sorry you got left behind"

Gentlemen, it has been an honor shitposting with you.

Know Your Rights All three of them

Well. Here I sit. Unraptured. It probably happened when I was in the bathroom, like most important things.

Looks like a no sleep night for me.

Can anyone recommend the most sound proof brand of pillow to scream into? I don't want to alarm the neighbors.

Today sucked. I need something with a happy ending. Book, movie, massage, whatever.

resting O-face

If I ever go missing, check under my mother's expectations.

Flirting! In The Comments

but babe, im getting raptured tomorrow this is our last chance

Thought I had a DM. Nope, just someone blocking me

I hope I'm depressed and not just terribly lazy.

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

Maybe if I get high enough I can get a good view.

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

If I survive another rapture tomorrow, I'm going to start thinking Jesus doesn't actually love me.

He said he wants to eliminate autism by the end of his term. Are they gonna round up all the neurodivergents so they don't reproduce? I hope some of us are in the same camps.

And there it is. It's the official position of the government of the country where I live that I'm to blame for my child being autistic. Even though I didn't take any medication at all when I was pregnant.

If nobody saw you eat it or skeet it, it never happened.

If you catch me staring it's either because I'm trying to remember your name, or my mind wandered off without me and my eyes just happened to be pointed at you.

Gonna wear drag to the rapture

I contain multitudes and 76% of them are wondering if I'm being a pain in the ass.

i only use punctuation when i am blind with rage

[Perfects time machine. Goes back to 1325. Gets bubonic plague. Dies]

The world: imploding, fighting, spiraling. Me: here’s a nice picture of my cat, you’re welcome.

Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days https://theonion.com/newborn-loses-faith-in-humanity-after-record-6-days-1819573929/

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

I’d have more hobbies, but I don’t wanna subscribe to anything and I’m really honestly kind of cheap; I don’t want it to cost me anything.

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

with a little love we can make this amazon warehouse an amazon warehome

i just want someone to groan old with

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

Hey so what time does the rapture start exactly? Like do I stay up with some sparklers and do a countdown like we do on New Year’s? What time of day are we looking at? Kinda important

Confession: Sometimes I don't say the nice thing because I'm worried it will come across as trite or bitchy and sarcastic.

Might fuck around and tell people how much I adore them today because this world could use a little more admiration to balance all the anger.

Secretary worm brain is about to blame me and other moms like me for our kids being autistic. I'm not okay. They've said so many terrible things. My child is a sweet, bright, silly little boy who happens to need extra support and access to resources. He's not a monster, and he shouldn't be a target.

Why does my skin get all tingly when I'm high? Not in a bad way, just sensitized.