i'm making a show called 0 minutes and it's already over

nostalgia was better back then

i'm waiting until all the skeets have been posted so i can binge the whole season at once

inflating my vocal sac to impress a beautiful woman

i try to be open about how closed off i am

what if we really died in 2008 and we're just the lost souls of MySpace scene kids

went to the library and walked at a park and listened to birds today can I be lazy and do drugs now please

normalize flailing about

I'm like Eddie Van Halen if he never practiced guitar

Happy birthday to Sigmund Freud. We didn’t even know we were crazy until you told us.

*resets hyperfixation

Scoop out my frontal lobe with one of your French melon ballers.

Praying for Rudy Giuliani. Complicated man, but he taught me that marriage and family don't mean anything. You can just do whatever you want. Humiliate and lie to everyone you're supposed to love whenever you want, or are bored. Honestly fuck them. Also he taught me everything else is like that too.

Some guy at 7-Eleven just tried to sell me a treasure map. Nice try pal, I’m not falling for that again

Hyperfocusing for weeks straight is fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. The eye twitch is fine.

can someone bring me food i have a cat on me

Well well well if it isn't the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

Aging gracefully is a scam. I want to age chaotically, stumbling into every curiosity inhaling it like I have been holding my breath.

Lobster roll uncrustables

Weed 2

that's moderately raven at best

not tonight honey i have a gun

Godzilla would smoke cigarettes if he could

i don't rise and grind. i wake and spiral

“still punk” i whisper as i gather sticks to make a birdhouse

it’s almost my company’s fiscal year end and i have no idea which coworker i’m going to kiss at 3:30

Unfortunately for you I’ve been logged on continuously since 1997

Life is beautiful for 5-10 minutes sometimes

is bsky dead? yeah. but so are all of us.

I want to see other CEOs eat their products. Google CEO eats a computer. Airbnb CEO eats a pillow

I want to work at a cat cafe, not as a barista but as a cat.

I make a great first impression but then gradually go insane.

“confirm your identity” computer i wish i could

Unstable but in cute way

who just straight up drinks milk, you know that shit was squirted out of them wiggly plump fingery boys dangling off an animal with like 87 stomachs right?

Keep scrolling! You're almost there! Don't give up!

just spell stuff however you want, who gives a shit anymore

Pardon me while I burst into flames

This year is the 100th anniversary of the discovery of PCP just in case you wanted a reason tear a car door off with your bare hands in celebration

One microtransaction away from bankruptcy

that was more American than America

peak male performance

My favorite part about sports is when they get to watch slow ball footage to see if the ball was in an okay place

Computer: your password has been compromised Me: so has the presidency of the United States. im sure everything will be fine

I was not made for difficult times. I was made to live in a captive pleasure dome on some alien planet

is there a starter pack for idiots because i belong in that one

it’s my god given right as an american to lie to my doctor

It’s not delivery, it’s depression.