I put a sandwich in my car seat while I was pumping gas this morning and forgot it was there and sat on the sandwich, if anyone needs motivation to power through it all day even though it looks like you shit your khaki pants

If you all would just pretend that all of my jokes land, I'd be much funnier.

Hate to be that guy but I’m guessing Stacy’s mom is in assisted living now

Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow https://theonion.com/pool-owner-has-bathing-suit-that-touched-his-penis-you-1819575301/

I’m old enough to remember when we were called “the melting pot”

I’m still surprised that I’m left unattended.

avoiding the cyclospora scare by rinsing my lettuce in the panera lemonade that kills people

feels cruel for Bluesky to have a Popular With Friends tab, if any of us were popular with friends we wouldn't be on Bluesky

Whelp, now we’ll never have to think about soccer again.

uhh i think you guys are gonna want to see this (i try to swing the monitor around but it's not on a swivel and it snaps off its base and clatters onto the floor)

Terminally online since ‘99

Archeologists discover ancient civilization whos language consisted only of minion gifs

Telemundo anchor in Spanish: “finally, facing a deafening booing, the president of the United States appears…” 🤣

I once went out with someone, and on the first date they died. I get it. Friendzoned.

applying for a job as a micromanager as i only want to work a little

If someone calls when I’m holding my phone i always react like it’s a stuffed fish that somehow suddenly came back to life

We have two settings: 1) Silly 2) Crushed under the weight of crippling depression

Could Excel be conscious? We surveyed more than Jan 1 1900 people to find out.

There are two Jimothys inside you.

My proposed minister for AI

Cut my own brake lines just to feel something.

is my chatbot conscious. can my television be reasoned with. how much does my refrigerator love me

To get over my fear of speaking in public I imagine people ugly crying

if i see Jimothy in the streets it’s hands immediately

[on a date] hookworms aren't that bad

oh you want healthcare and a house? lol here's a gambling app for your phone you stupid piece of shit

Patty out here with her dumbass cakes again

I’m like hamburger that never got help

I get it sunday ham, i’m also spiraling

Lost my shit in the astral plane

I like the word slather because it sounds like what it means

Cyclosporiasis would make a beautiful name for a girl

WWJD - What Would Jimothy Do?

just country enough to say tornader

What if, instead of crashing out, we all crash in?

girl are you an overheated phone in my pocket cuz ow

lot of sports today but the real winners are everyone who isn’t the Tate brothers

this antacid isn’t working I am still trippin balls

on this day in 1995, scientists discovered bisexuality. happy 31st birthday to all my fellow bs

90s fashion model ass cainid

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: no idea Cop: lol. That's weird. Alright, you have a good day

it's mr pibb's world and we're all just pibbin in it

Waffle House lost & found is just drugs and loose cigarettes

there should be a separate pharmacy for people under 60

Telling people where I’m from, 1996: “I’m from the same city as Nirvana and Pearl Jam!” Telling people where I’m from, 2026: “I’m from the same city as Jimothy!”

jimothy (8-bit remix)

Tried to explain the difference between an absolute unit and a megachonker to my grandpa and he shot a hole in the floor

Reassuring my friend they probably aren’t being haunted by a ghost: Relax, ghosts can’t affect the physical world like that. What you’re describing is a demon