That magical one glass slipper night but you found their camouflage croc

Going door to door offering to organize neighbors pill containers.

Me: *joins online work meeting* Them: Ok folks, we're gonna need everyone to switch on their webcams Me: *starts crumpling chip bag* Sorry? I'm having trouble hearing you *unplugs computer*

feeling guilty for laughing at basic jokes as we head into armageddon was also not on the bingo card

Scorched earth sounds nice How about we give that a try

...nice signal, asshole.

Slowly emerging from a vernal pool, dripping in mud, ready to give you the first wet touch of spring

if i was a tomato i would be in such a hurry to grow up and become ketchup

there’s a spider that gives oral before during and after mating up to 100 times so frankly some of you really need to up your game

this account will now be dedicated to me doing a rubik’s cube in peculiar settings. videos soon

feeling wild tonight, 9pm bedtime is calling my name

Not to set myself up as some sort of role model but... on second thought, I should be your fucking role model

Might watch something NC-17, tell people i’m getting *really into* art

Hey people wasting time bickering over silly, petty annoyances? Have you not yet realized life is short and our country is going to shit?

I'd like to be light and airy, but my mind weighs heavy and I often sink like a stone.

I see the bsky dot app is back on it's shit again

Chuck Norris died once, but he just walked it off

March madness needs to calm the fuck down

Porn-fed

Whispering can only assert so much of a quiet dominance, sometimes you need to put language under a pillow and just beat softly on your chest. Remember, once we were a giggling species of Pillsbury apes

found my virginity behind the dumpster at arby's not where i lost it

Cannibals are weird. I can't imagine liking people enough to actually eat them.

This day in history. 1997. New age hack Yanni began a series of concerts at the Taj Mahal. Local farmers threatened to immolate themselves and so did some of the members of the orchestra he hired.

getting everyone to say classy like molassy because I’m bored

There's a whole lot of wrong going on.

I used to have a full deck. Now I’m playing cards with a partial deck, and half of those are just instructions for other games. —I just tried to declare Uno in a poker game.

Sorry I gave you pigtails with your natural color in one and the other mixing strands of silver but my previous relationship was speaker wire

Hi neighbor, can I borrow a cup of protein powder?

Don’t use AI to write your dating profile, it’s weird and never sounds right

My entire selection of pants is some variety of leggings. Standard leggings. Jeggings. Fleece lined. Flare leg . Capris. Even my shorts are basically leggings that end at the knee. Nothing restricting will ever adorn this ass again.

Him: "I would love to see the world through your eyes." Me: *hands him my glasses*

It's like Cracker Jacks with all prizes! Cash, meatballs... 🏆 Congratulations @kellalena.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

Procrastination? Don’t get me started.

my glass house and i would just like some privacy. so please, just let us be you fucking pieces of shit

The incompetence and corruption of the Trump administration is staggering. And the Republican Party is complicit.

But it's my emotional support your media tab

I keep a Duck Hunt gun hidden in the small of my back at all times — you never know when shit’s about to go down.

Kids love me which really sucks.

What do I have to sacrifice around here to get an actual full night of sleep?

The fancy black robe and gavel gives you no right to judge me!

Taylor Frankie Paul throws chairs and ABC throws her over the side. It's The Bachelorwreck.

Talking in your sleep is when you hash it out with whatever personality you fell out with during the day.

just watched a woman fail at parallel parking her tesla in a huge spot. over. and over. and over. never even thought to pull out my phone

reverse cowgirl jokes so i can pretend i have sex

Posting Drafts, for when you're too tired to think now and must rely upon your past self's strange thoughts

Idk who needs to hear this, but you’re not stupid, you’re just hungry.

this manic episode is paved with glitter

Fibonacci is not as bad as a baldfacelieonacci

Thoughts just wandering through uninvited.