I love you just the way you are, if you make these few changes.

All music is dance music.

The worst thing a species can be is delicious.

I wish you could believe in me as much as you can’t believe it’s not butter.

When someone asks if you feel more like yourself today it's always polite to answer with, "which one?"

intrusive thoughts go away come again no other day

It’s so tempting to fall into the snow and watch it swirl down as it covers me. Meditating on its silencing effect so that it might quiet my busy mind as well

take my like, please

you know when love songs sound stupid because they’re written for a version of you that doesn’t exist. yeah. that. only here.

I find the “What’s up?” in the skeeting box kind of threatening

ghosts are real they just don’t text back

i have a really good…what do you call it? word list?

Frankenstein: Sometimes I struggle to make friends Jim Henson: Sew felt

Have you ever considered, wtf?

Get in, loser - me, during sex

reverse cowgirl, bc ass backwards is the only way i know

You’re the constant among all the change.

Don’t fuck with me, please. I’m tired. I’m from the “is” era of Facebook updates

Truly I loathe the responsibility attached to being so fucking phenomenal

A piñata full of unused new year's resolutions.

hey can someone hold my skull open for a minute while i rinse some yucky stuff off my brain

You can never go wrong with some pizza

I fought the law and I won, The Clash. Please advise.

Many neurotypical people seem to think that being neurodivergent implies incredible abilities in math and science, when it mostly means that if I don't get to take a shower at the correct temperature and with the correct soap that my skin feels incorrect

The Girl with the Oreo Tattoo

Me: hi, how are you? Customer: miserable Me: well that's good

the slippery slope is under us

Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying.

Intimacy? You mean yoked up together and hauling a wicked load of firewood across the snow? Hellyeah

I have to put on real clothes. This is gonna be a real shock to my nervous system.

Gonna end all my sexts with guns emojis

A laxative, but for your memories.

Work should have an end of day hug sesh like SNL

First day back to work is when it feels like the year really begins. And it feels a bit like a hangover too.

My New Year's resolution to become a Vagitarian isn't really working out

Can we turn off someone's reposts yet?

Those are my emotional support very bad habits

Was it irony or foreshadowing that the guy obsessed with the letter X is a depraved perv?

Gonna set my brain to Floyd mode

Optimistic enough to leave an aquarium outside for something to come over and live in, but super tasty optimistic enough for it to respect how I constantly monitor hope when I should induce vomiting

Good things are on the horizon* *there’s a spliff on my windowsill

65° isn't a bad way to spend a day at work.

I post my skeet then raise my arm so you all get it faster.

Trying to have a breakthrough moment by walking through the sliding glass door.

Damn, boy. Are you a pineapple? Because you’re kind of a prick on the outside but really sweet on the inside

I'm not bored I'm just busy doing nothing . . . so busy in fact that it has made me tired and I'm going to take a nap now.

Social media has taught me, that if you have nothing important to say, you should say it on social media.

Thinking I'll make charcuterie a big part of my personality in 2026. For there will be an untold number of occasions for emotional support cheese.