if they put me in charge of Raisin Bran i would streamline production by using a single scoop that's twice as big. get it made custom if we have to

Burned my tongue on the microwave lasagna I'm having for dinner. Crushing it ✨️

Hey, you up? (He texted at 8:45 PM)

This beer says everything is going to be ok

In 8th grade my crush asked my favorite season and I said “black pepper.”

That magical moment when you peel back the plastic from your microwave dinner

good shitposting is all about your state of mind (unwell)

Have you dilly-dallied today?

There’s no excuse for my behavior, I googled it.

someone pls go on a walk for me but send me the health benefits

goddammit AutoCorrect stop trying to force me to capitalize god oh now you think you’re special

If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s really a beautiful, uplifting story of a shark overcoming his bulimia.

taking the dancing world by storm and inventing the solo tango

bit self centered of B-I-N-G-O to make a whole song about the spelling of his name-o

I’m gonna need y’all to dial up the whimsy.

Seems unfair that you only get to use the bouncy slide to get off a plane when things have gone wrong. The bouncy slide should be a treat they give to the best passengers who did the flight correctly.

i'm the kind of person that the server looks a little worried at, and brings me extra napkins without me asking

I need to be thrifting and farting that would fix me

Her: “What are you thinking about?” *wondering why the word combination is shortened to combo instead of combi* Me: “Sex.”

Thank you to my 600+ followers. I’ll have the money I promised you soon, I swear

There are few things more unsettling than sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

when Eminem falls into a black hole it’s called mom’s spaghettification

You’d think this ninja blender would be a lot quieter.

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

are there any goody one shoes

I call dibs on the cool spiky shoulder pads when society collapses

Get in, loser - me, during sex

There should be a gameshow where you’re blindfolded in a fast food restaurant and have to identify which one by smell.

It seems really unfair that my future depends on me.

I just need enough money to hire a team of writers to help write my sitcom based on all of my imaginary friends

From 1981 to 1997, nothing was more threatening than calling someone “dead meat.”

Dry January but, like, except for at night

adults should be allowed to use sippy cups

(character in a horror movie) ah, garbage disposal's jammed. well, better roll up my sleeve and shove my whole arm in there. no time to switch it off, i've got a jam to clear

Let’s unroll a cinnamon roll and eat it Lady and the Tramp style.

When I say "extra onion" I mean fuck me up with onions. I am grown ass woman, I know what I'm doing

Maintains eye contact while I jump off a high rise

Sorry I didn't like your post with thousands of other likes. I figured they spoke for all of us.

drawing thighs around the gap in my resume

seemed to have misplaced my je ne sais quoi this morning

Life hack assumes having a life

I can make jokes at a time like this because I'm in a different timezone

Ruin your 30s, 40s, and 50s by eating cauliflower and you just might be rewarded with two additional years of life in your 80s.

I wouldn’t say it’s confidence as much as it is delusion.

on a government watchlist for perfect sweeties

It’s 4:30pm and I’m ready for dinner. I bet I can find a coupon for an early bird special around here somewhere.

I wish you could believe in me as much as you can’t believe it’s not butter.

Sober people should toast with toast.

i leave booby traps for burglars like a sink full of dishes and a dirty cat box

I don’t have that sexy V-shaped oblique muscle on my abs — but may I interest you in two U-shaped bags under my eyes?