The meaning of life won’t text me back.

Door dashing a cup of tap water, for the woman on the go.

I saw you liked my comment about farting on your face. My ring size is 5.

Gonna use AI to make a deepfake of my parents telling me they’re proud of me

Did it hurt? When you tried to correct me and I said “Google it” and you saw I was right?

I don’t know, I thought my Gerald Ford-themed sports bar was a good idea.

excuse me but there was nothing in the wedding invitation about “no capes”

(wearing a hawaiian shirt and snowboarding pants) ah yeah it's laundry day

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Kids these days will never understand the chokehold Bryan Adams had on us in the 90s

women should be weirder and more off putting

Too few people spontaneously combust.

“We’re going to watch ‘Speed’. It’s a film from the 90’s” Daughter (born 2014): “Is it in black and white?”

if you bend a dad over and point them at another dad one of them is gonna make pew-pew noises that’s just a fact

Just fyi giving me attention has 17g of protein

Fart so hard you turn inside out

Sports are the best way to have your day ruined by the inadequate athletic performance of strangers.

I feel like I need either a shower or refrigeration

You say it’s inexplicable, but I’m nonetheless over here trying to explic.

I can’t afford therapy but I can afford a large pizza which doesn’t help because ultimately I’ll need more therapy when I’m done

some days you write a post so good that everyone ignores it because they don't want to disturb the whole unsung genius vibe you've got going

I want to be a bartender where men ask me to smack them

Does this fanny pack make my ass look lame?

I never quit. Unless things become mildly difficult.

I have a big family get-together in a couple of hours, so I still have time to fake my own death

It's actually buct naked

glad I didn’t come of age during the butt stuff is cool era

gonna start a discount cheese company called Gouda ‘Nuff Cheese

you’ve some nerve telling me I can do better when I gave you my best

[waking up]: oh, fuck off

There's an a in 'deaf' but you can't hear it.

I guess you're right. I don't *have* to be a dick about it.

It’s like my mom always used to say, “shut the fuck up, no one cares”

Playful self-deprecation is out of style — which is a shame, because I’m a fuckin’ idiot.

we have jockstraps but what about when D&D gets heated, where are the dorkstraps

People inspire me not to like people.

🎶But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me (slurping cereal noises) i promise you🎶

Here’s some validation I found in the dumpster behind circle K, take what you need.

JFC, not again. I mean Good morning ☀️

Insects have the whole world to explore and yet they choose to come into my bedroom.

Friend: My new boyfriend is wearing me out. Me: you wake up again with a UTI and a Yelp review? Friend: what? Me: what?

misheard lyrics archive: Goodbye yellow pricked toad

This has to be the laziest revolution ever

* Pours you a bourbon with my pimp hand *

For an old guy like me, the internet is a scary place full of undefined acronyms, celebs you’ve never heard of, and a maddening lack of capital letters.

What a horrible time to be literate

T.S. Eliot’s full name was T-Shirt Eliot

[in a hamster wheel] Man, this fucken thing goes uphill both ways

Sometimes I get jumpscared by my own posts when I’m scrolling