normalize group meet ups where we just scream

sometimes you ppl use acronyms i don't know, so i just make something up w the same letters

is bullshit noticeably worse than cowshit

The only thing that can stop a bad ai with a gun is a good ai with a gun

Weighing the pros and cons of getting “Nobody Cares” tattooed on my face.

Me: Babe, I was diagnosed with airportitis Her: Don't Me: ... It's terminal!

The deaf don’t generally participate in street crimes; consequently, the gangs all hear.

two turntables and a microphone? in this economy???

My Spotify wrapped age is 62. My actual age is 44. No notes.

of course I got advent calendars for my cats, I’m not a monster

In honor of the spork, I’d like announce the release of my new knife-spoon: The Knoon.™️

All I want for Christmas is the power to make my loved ones stop farting.

*shrinks myself down, pole vaults across your screen and lands on REPOST* Sheesh! I have to do everything around here.

have you tried getting fucked about it?

I really don’t require much. Just constant reassurance and words of affirmation… and beef jerky.

Sometimes, you have to lay in a ditch about it.

I love goalie fights. Imagine having beef with someone 200 ft away. It’s truly inspiring.

"Girl dinner" I whisper, as I polish off this bag of cheetos at 10am

sucked into the sleep vortex again (the recliner)

ties you up and makes you listen to me sing karaoke

I like in Home Alone when Kevin gives a 20-cent tip to the pizza man and then pretends to murder him for his own amusement.

Diarrhea would make a beautiful name for a baby girl.

I don’t choose the hot life mess, the hot life mess chose me

People assume certain things about my class because I have an innate elegance and glamour, but what they don’t know is that all 5 of my brothers have naked lady tattoos.

[mom scrolling my skeet link] your Penis jokes were not that popular. I told you.

a buttress is just a mattress for butts prove me wrong

it all went to shit after they disbanded the burger king kids club

yeah my name is teri short for pterodactyl

i love building furniture because it's like high stakes legos

walking with my hands behind my back so people think i am wise

Little TV screens at the gas station pump blaring ads directly in your face as you spend $70 on a tank of gas is enough to radicalize a person

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

Up (my favorite direction to shut the fuck).

if i die suddenly delete my search history i dont want mom to know i have to check the spelling of everyday words

Would a book about sandpaper be considered a rough draft?

I haven’t lost my faith in humanity, I never had any to begin with.

I need a job that I can do in a hot tub.

I bet it hurts really bad to get a boner if you’re wearing a suit of armor.

I’m not dead, but I’m not quite alive…

Don’t talk to me until I’ve eaten. -a memoir

I disagree, like as a hobby.

(Being murdered) Me: Excuse me but would you mind if I got a tarp from the garage and put it in here? You're kind of making a mess with my blood

*jumps for joy* *joy just out of reach*

The Little Engine That Wished A Motherfucka Would

Harry Potter and the bidet of fire

A few of you live rent-free in my head — the rest of you tenants owe me money for November.

My dog just barked at me for being in the kitchen. Bitch I pay all the bills

If you have truck nuts on your Dodge Ram are they called Dodgeballs?

sorry I went through your dog door and rearranged your furniture

I put the laughing face emoji next to that shitty thing I said. That’s how you know I was kidding but really wasn’t.