Cartoons made it seem like anvils would drop on your head every single day, but it’s only happened to me 3 times.

Man, last night while laying in bed I thought of the funniest skeet. You had to be there.

nickname is short for nicholasname

You look familiar, did I avoid meeting you from somewhere before?

as a short guy has there been any progress on that mario mushroom idea

Woke up in the mood to earn those eye rolls.

The best part of a joke, in my opinion, is the "but did you get it?" part.

what are cheerios but tiny bagels

my daughter is on spring break and I just keep hoping she stays safe and doesn’t beat my keg stand time from the 90s

Gale must have been pretty annoying to have hurricane winds named after her

Don't forget to set your clock on fire, because time is meaningless

It's Friday the 13th, do you know where your Jasons are?

If I reply "well played" that's my way of saying "fuck you for being funnier than me".

idk if you know this but the cereal called life isn’t very lifelike at all there’s not even any blood in it

I keep a Duck Hunt gun hidden in the small of my back at all times — you never know when shit’s about to go down.

linkedin park anyone done this?

My boyfriend goes to a different Bluesky. You wouldn't know him. He's very important and busy. 100% real. Don't fact check me.

🙏🏼 me high fiving myself

To the people who've muted me: I get it.

hush little baby don't say a word and never mind that rustling potato chip bag you heard

I’ve entered an unwelcome new stage of adulthood (excitement at the delivery of drain cleaner).

Sure, calling it chicken gravy is fine, but I just feel that ‘roostershire sauce’ would’ve been so much better.

(having recently sliced my tongue licking bbq sauce off of a tupperware rim) i’m good, you?

walked all the way to the donut shop and back instead of driving. for health reasons

me: mist me like one of your wilting heads of lettuce them: ma’am, I’m just restocking the Doritos

Cybertruck on the streets, alone in the sheets.

Yelling "Hey wait for me!" In public. To no one. Just to feel included.

Not sure about the weather but it is extremely stupid outside right now.

I am finding it very difficult to bite my tongue now that I have replaced my teeth with pats of butter.

“What are you wearing?” *looking down at my tshirt covered in Cheeto dust* Me: not a shirt covered in Cheeto dust if that’s what you were thinking

I may look mysterious and contemplative wearing my earbuds, but I’m listening to the Inspector Gadget theme song.

I'm not a military guy. Are you supposed to have a plan when going to war?

Most of your pet pictures are better looking than your selfies.

Todays theme: oh fuuuuuuuck.

Whenever my ear does that ringing thing I always wonder if I'm being activated.

another day, another ailment to Google

“Someone wants to speak with you, so I suggest you go find better technology to complete the transaction.” -My beeper, 1998

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

I think the priest was impressed with my cross tramp stamp

I grew up in the age of everyone in the house yelling "PHONE! The phone is ringing!".

This could have been a draft.

now that there are no phone booths Clark Kent just strips naked in the street

Eating nachos in the morning is how I stick it to Big Breakfast.

Announcer: everyone please stand for the Midwest national anthem *the Menard’s jingle starts playing*

one less hour on international women’s day for me to be wrong about something

“Never apologize for being yourself,” said the insufferable asshole who should apologize for being himself.

I use voice to text on big words I can’t spell

I eat McDonald’s so much that I’m full of preservatives so at least I know I’ll never mold

Henceforth, anyone skeeting from the shitter has to put this emoji at the end of their skeet. 🚽