brings a scrabble board to a gunfight

Doctor’s office: he wants to see you in a year, are you available April 14, 2027 Me: no sorry, that’s my cat’s golden birthday and I already ordered the cake

I really should’ve fucked a nerd when I was younger. Wait, what

(bleeding out) damn this cheddar is sharp

(eating capers) i don’t think they could pull off a heist

The biggest lie ever told was “listen to your body.” My body wants cinnamon buns and naps.

I would like to consume an ungodly amount of sushi and then I would like to be consumed ungodlyly.

Me: Did you look in your purse? Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT! Me: Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this...

I spell it popsickle and there’s no law saying I can’t.

I’m willing to put my book down and talk to you but the conversation needs to be at least a 4.5 Goodreads rating

a sandwich but the bread is pizza and the filling is lasagna; follow me for more healthy eating tips

Oh it’s May the fourth be with you? I thought it was maybe the fourth Red Bull will fix me

please don't celebrate Cinco De Mayo if you watched the alternative halftime show

Met a ten year old with a mullet today and he stole my jean jacket

yoyo = you only yolo once

Great. Someone switched my breakfast bourbon with my dinner bourbon.

why is everything cheap until checkout

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Sorry that I liked your skeet as soon as you posted it. It’s just that I am chronically online

Emotional outbursts in the courtroom are my love language, Your Honor.

Don’t worry. All you need is crust and sauce and cheese and I’m gonna like you.

It’s better to watch a boiling pot than to never have loved at all, I think is the saying.

'Like a beautiful butterfly' I say to nobody as I fall out of the hammock I've been stuck in for three hours.

If I could go anywhere in the world, it would be downstairs to my kitchen for a snack.

This bag of chips says family sized but clearly it hasn’t met me

[spinning a rotisserie chicken on the tip of my finger] S'up

I love horror books because I enjoy being psychologically unwell recreationally

If you think too hard about how much ketchup has been thrown away in human history, you’ll get sad.

Maybe all elementary schools need a ballroom

please submit your small talk to me via paper airplane

Sitcoms from the 60s sure hyped me up for a lot of dinners where my boss comes over.

i’m going to sleep right after my brain replays every awkward thing i’ve ever said

I named myself in a way people can automatically insult me when they reply

I apologize if I offend anyone but fuck wind chimes

Singing “what what in the butt” whenever someone stands a tad too close to me at check out.

How come Pornhub doesn’t have a category for burgers?

(burger king cheers mashup) where everyone has it your way

running errands sounds exhausting. i'm just going to walk errands

some of you need to log off so i can post my funny reply before you

“I hate the way I look in this light” I complain, pointing to the sun.

I ordered the 5 chicken tenders meal from KFC and they gave me 6. You could say I’m gods favorite

I don’t like cigarettes or hacky sack, I just love standing in a circle

Instead of hello, I’ve started answering the phone with “how did you get this number?”

Relentlessly harassing this mosquito to see how she likes it.

I need a man (temporarily). My car battery is dead because I forgot to unplug my dash cam

That’s the worst president in history you’re speaking of. Show some disrespect

had a dream last night i landed a double kickflip and then posted about it so here i am fulfilling the part i can do

*watching the intro to Darkwing Duck* he doesn't look that dangerous to me

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?