*on a FaceTime* Apple: Connection unstable Me: awww just like us

You don’t have to like me. Nor do you have to respect me. You don’t even have to tolerate me. Where was I going with this?

I still think about that blanket fort I built in ‘89.

Well.. it’s all quiet on the frontal lobe

At my funeral I want a party and piñatas so people will be happy but I want them filled with bees so they aren’t too happy

Am I the only one out here that owes Columbia House .99?

Today’s workout is lifting my wine glass every 45 seconds

In lieu of healthcare please enjoy another fly-over.

Anyone who has animals understands how stupid fireworks are and holy shit what exactly are you celebrating

What if dogs had human hands?

in lieu of fireworks tonight I’m gonna watch a burning dumpster

Bank: what are your financial needs? Me: some finances would be nice

I got so much done today, it was terrible

mutual oral under a clear night sky? I call that *69

Sure, we always pay attention to jazz hands... But we forget about jazz hearts

Why half-ass it when you can quarter-ass it?

i have actually never been hit in the eye by a pizza pie not once

There’s no time like the not now

(scoffing) water is a terrible material for building a shed

me: tell me about your problems therapist: that’s…that’s my line me: reverse psychology

“be kind to your body” well what if I kill it with kindness what then

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

mom used to put notes in my lunchbox when I was a kid which was really nice, food would've been nicer

Is the plural for MILF still MILF? Because it’s not “mothers I’d like to fucks.”

666: the number of the beast 668: the neighbor of the beast

Bobcat is short for Robertcatherine

Looking for a job where my only responsibility is being vaguely enchanting

i am sweaty and upsetty

Lead paint dust is perfectly safe so long as you don't inhale

I'm getting oreos confused with sex again

[stumbles into an AA meeting drunk & wearing a cape] im here to rescue you people

just saved a tiny little bug from drowning in my vodka. im so zen.

did you know there are weirdos that like to be out doing things after 6 PM

If you don’t eat your meat how can you have any pudding? *English accented.

Hi! I'm the crazy woman throwing shitty furniture off the deck and screaming. Totally unrelated, my brother and parents invited themselves to my house next weekend.

Is there a “u” in the word neighborhood? I’m from Minnesota, so I’m torn.

let’s get high and do a puzzle

what if there’s a new sport where you can ONLY use your head to hit the ball around

Hey so I was just talking to your pet and they said they want a little treat.

i must be missing notifications again bc not all of you are liking everything i post

Hear me out; a push up bra, but for my life.

Fruit punch implies the existence of fruit kick and good god I’m sorry you had to read this.

Just watched Pretty In Pink and can only relate to the dad now

Wine pairs well with minding your own business

Me: maybe alcohol is the answer Them: what’s the question Me: does it matter

this cinnamon roll is falling off the bone

I would survive in the woods for approximately 6 minutes and 32 seconds

I never believed it was butter

Don’t tell me “fusing to the couch” isn’t a legitimate hobby.

the air is dry and my boogers are sharper than a two edged sword