should same height couples be allowed to get married

if you’re trapped inside the last show you watched, where are you

I don’t think before I speak I just hope for the best

Sometimes I'll stay up just to see how late it is

please sir, my jams… they’ve been pumped up

forgive me, i got baited into an argument with an idiot. i vow to not do it again.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that extra space between words that was hidden during drafting but is glaringly obvious now.

if i promise to go to bed now no i didn’t

Shoutout to the person who first decided to pull some pork

there’s accounts who follow each other, and there’s mutuals who repost each other 😘✌🏼

You put your right foot in You put your right foot out You're not really certain about this whole pit of abandoned limbs yet

The real value of social media is being able to post something like "The ass is the father of the legs" and potentially have multiple members of congress see it

Q: what do you call it when you don’t think you can make your goal and then you exceed it?

Life is brutal yet so beautiful.

when he buys you shoes you’re only allowed to wear when you’re with him

Real ones will like your post with a typo in it, and like it again when you repost it without the typo.

a Hondavirus outbreak would never happen at Toyotathon, I tell you what

If we actually want to appreciate moms, we should be providing free childcare, healthcare, and guaranteed income for stay-at-home parents to put more money in families’ pockets and ensure no SAHP is reliant on a partner for their economic security. Idk I think that’s better than 15% off a vacuum.

i stg if one more person sends me the fifa dates... i know. i live in this city. downtown. beside the action. i knowwwwww

excuse me

i think people assume grief only hurts when you lose a good relationship. sometimes the grief comes from realizing the relationship will never become what you hoped it could be.

I just said ‘who cares’ out loud in a meeting

my love language is someone else unloading the dishwasher

it’s against the law to be mean to me your honor

I bet if I tried really hard I could be marginally better at shitposting

You shouldn’t make jokes on the internet it makes people mad

Sure sex is cool but have you ever fucked all the way off

*leans into mic* birria tacos are just a form of dunkaroos

I don’t think before I speak I just hope for the best

I just said ‘who cares’ out loud in a meeting

what’s something small that ruins your whole day

i am the lebron james of sitting down

everyone who's anyone is talking about the metropolitan galaropolitan

everything is fine until it isn’t 💅🏼

may the farts be with you

I don’t have time for this but here I am

just once i want someone to go wow. who ARE you

nothing rocks a person to their core like meeting a baby named charlton.

Morgan Wallen makes music for people who can see their bathroom from their kitchen

You cannot fix people who want to remain broken.

sorry I called that whale a fish instead of mammal I didn’t do it on porpoise

Someone at work just wished me a happy Monday, and, well, long story short, does anyone know a good defense attorney?

I need a circle of friends who understand living in Panama / Dubai for 6 months a year

being productive for 2 hours on a sunday feels illegal

The FBI paid me a visit today. My phone number has been 555-8647 for well over fifteen years.

You know you’re really Canadian when you cannot afford it by putting a grocery item back on the shelf and whispering “sorry” to it. 🇨🇦

Walking down the snack aisle now feels like window shopping at a Bentley dealership.

for me feeling calm is always temporary