breaking: jingle horse found dead from alleged cult sacrifice

*chugging vanilla coffee creamer* i'm good u??

Die Hard was actually appropriated from pagans

I know that some of your posts make baby Jesus cry

the early worm: fuck this

i do not think therefore i do not am

in Australia, the ceiling is lava

I give you the next internet sensation: Baby Bigfoot

Can't post good

[somberly] You cannot serve both god and money [upbeat music hits] Until now. Introducing god as a service

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vodka works wonders no mater what time it is

like this post to disappear into the void

You should be able to text your cats

Shout out to everyone wearing new socks today.

oh you have a Nintendo switch? so does my 7 year old

It's boxing day... Who am I seeing in the ring

cause of death: heated rivalry

What about a QR code that sends you straight to HELL when you scan it

$32 for an eggs benny? sold

i will be victorious over my enemies on this the day of boxing

🥱 this santa is exhausted

I would like to cancel my subscription of adulthood

Paramedic: keep applying pressure Parenting Coach: but also say how proud you are

I wish there was an expiration date on the "Die Hard is a Christmas movie" (or any movie really) and "pineapple on pizza" internet discourse, painfully tedious.

quick now everyone brainstorm goals you have no intention of following through on in the next 3 weeks

All shirts are reversible if you don't give a shit

I’m in love with the sound of the rain.

Prescription-strength back scratches

My sixth sense is always knowing someone doesn't want to be in an exit only lane before they do

get in loser, we have more regrets to make before the year is out

there is too much internet

Give the gift of unsolicited advice

you post screenshots from X I block you we are not the same

[clothes dryer] pillow cases: (whistling casually) do de do fitted sheet: IM GON EAT U

Explain your username 🎤 No

I don’t trust anyone who thinks Tuesday is the best day of the week.

only one more shopping day to find that perfect spice for a baby

he sees you when you're sleeping. he sees you when you're sleeping

I will totally have your back. Until someone sexier disagrees with you.

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

If a social media post demanding action doesn't make the government immediately fall into line, then I don't know what will.

Text “STOP” to finally stop believin’

this is my new favourite activity

Feeling bloated? Constipated? Introducing: Too Much Wine®

DID OUR PINKY SWEAR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

Waiting for my gold medal in letting people down

Morning.

I am unstoppable unless there’s a minor inconvenience.