more like serotonOUT amiright folks

I can’t wait for the day I wake up and it’s finally the funniest day on the internet

every morning I have to open the microwave for her

check it out: one million year mortgage

I bet at least one guy farted in the Trojan horse

bing bong!

why are you all looking at me

bluesky branding refresh unveiled

I didn’t reply you. Please respond.

imagine hating me and I’m just over here perfecting my brownie recipe for you

Please be patient while I fly off this handle.

Call me on my landmine.

It’s been a few difficult decades working as a Hold-It-Togetherer, but I’ve really found a new, wild freedom accepting a job as the Fall-Aparterer.

But have you tried reading a book about it?

*crosses Velcro shoes into an X to feel wild again*

“pPl wHO weAr GLAsseS aRE sOoo SmArT” like i literally had to fail a test to get these.

we make fun of clumsy cats and dogs but like what if they just need glasses.

There's never been a better time to detach from reality and go completely insane.

Somehow the more streaming services you've got the less there is to watch.

If you pretend that you're erasing evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you'll do a better job and it's more fun!

Anywhere can be paradise city as long as it has green grass and pretty girls.

We need turquoise jewelry to make a come back. That's how you knew who to hit on

Gotta say, I’m not so confident that you do

Is a banger still a banger if no one likes it?

shhh…just let it happen - i say as i steal another one of your french fries

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

Before getting involved with someone, ask yourself: Is this a person I can visualize cropping out of pictures one day?

Yes, I reposted you. But I am not in repost with you.

Nothing feels more illegal than walking out of a store without buying anything

One time I called whale sounds 'Depth Metal' and now I'm banned from every meditation group in my town.

Shhhh..quiet. I'm giving someone the silent treatment.

them: iykyk me: what?

a morning after pill, but for that really stupid thing you said yesterday in front of everyone

Date: I don’t believe in drugs Me, super high: oh they’re out there

Regret is a wasted banger left in someone else’s replies

not finishing what you started isn’t always lazy, sometimes it’s ok to just say fuck that shit

(Dyslexic guy listening to "ABC" by the Jackson 5) this song is bullshit

sorry I didn't reply right away, I was carrying my cat around and letting her sniff high-up things

Sending you love, my internet friend 💗

I set my clock back two hours last year, so I'm all set

To the people who suffer in silence- Thank you!!!

It never ceases to amaze me

No pressure, but whenever you're ready, could you kindly go fuck yourself? Thanks in advance!

Bluesky needs a dislike button because I can't keep pretending your posts about farting and loving it are fine, Melissa.

Bitches be like "I’m starting a diet” and then eat one last snack after another last snack. It’s me. I’m bitches.

moving to a place where the time change can’t get me

a dad joke without a pun is a huge faux pa

I’ll figure it out = famous last words of someone who will not figure it out

In Hell there are no good haircuts.

i just kinda wanna sink into bed and be a small spoon for a little.