i don’t know who needs to hear this but drama = dopamine and if you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself unconsciously seeking it out and sometimes creating it out of thin air

I like to move it. But I do not like to move it move it. I just like the one move it.

My medical alert bracelet just says "Delete my browser history"

*first day at my new marketing job* Me: Toblertwo Toblerone executives: Holy fuck

I don't like most of the music you post. Do better.

Men will lie like the truth personally offended them first

BITCH hi

The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

lol people get so mad about a social media site like just chill / log off

and also like that

kid rock makes music for people that get pregnant at the county fair

And then, he was a Good Bunny. A very Good Bunny. The End.

Wore a sugarcane bush costume today. Going to stand really still and hope a bad bunny comes over to dance around me.

Corn is short for cornography

Fold in the cheese. You just FOLD it in.

Bad Bunny understood the assignment…

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light

my cat (rip) has a sister that lives with my kids dad and she’s here to visit for a while. She’s a sweet girl and settling into her sisters old favourite spot. 🤍 I still miss my cat.

you can't force me to care about bon jovi

I can't wait til they ban all the bots and I have 37 followers again

umami: mushrooms udaddi: older guy w disposable income uchild: things are gonna get easier

Just imagine what I’m NOT posting. You’re welcome.

I had a couple of cookies. I recommend this to everyone.

Watching the ozempics

Too many potato chips are not good for you. Pringles doesn't care.

Who you are when you drop the toilet paper roll is the real you

you are my fire my one bic lighter

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

*waits for blocks*

damn Dante, this inferno is lit

Them: try not to think twice about it Me: i won’t even think once

I just need like $10,000 and a good week

I’ve quit telling people that I disagree with them. Instead, I now say, “I’m gonna have to agree with myself on this one.” It’s self-positive, non-confrontational, and just weird enough to end the conversation.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

saw this musical. did not care for it.

they should make death cabs for uglies, too.

Everyone stay calm, I’ve got this *hands out cheese*

Fucked around (got out of bed) Found out (not worth it)

I'm still on my free trial of Bluesky

You know you’re winning Bluesky when you wake up to accounts blocking you.

“We blocked each other.” -A Bluesky memoir.

I could be your next hot mess.

Your account is a fuckin mess. *followed*

Morning.

[waking up]: no

Sometimes you just gotta say no to everything and sleep

they should invent a body that doesn’t need to be turned over over and over like a rotisserie chicken when you sleep

i do not know how y’all wear socks nonstop that shit is claustrophobic af

The best baddies have the worst drivers license photos

i wonder what people without children do with all of their free sanity