the moment i become emotionally stable, it’s over for you bitches

*reading a profile I'm sorry,WHAT?

my kid calls it neckflix

the drafts are coming from inside the folder

It’s not the milkshake it’s the mojo. But the milkshake helps

Mood

*takes bong rip* CBD is just diet weed

The literal opposite of spicy 🌶️.

THEM: Do you really actually like the taste of coffee? ME: [finishing Big Gulp-sized coffee] I think so, yes.

thinking of getting a tattoo that says "tattoo" so people know what i'm all about

I love making plans. Specifically cancelling plans

*deepthroating a stick of salted butter* love is love

Leave me alone I’m doing 1,000 calorie deficit every day this week and I’m not nice

not even giving a shit about a lot more stuff is my new normal

cliff notes for reading the room

The good news is that we'll never know the truth about anything ever again

Be the internal server error you wish to see in the world

Me: IDK why I can't lose weight Also me: WHAT CAN I PUT CHEESE ON NEXT?

Don’t be mad at me for deleting. Be happy you were lucky enough to see one of my “limited edition” posts.

You know when you gotta take a picture of the inside of your mouth with your phone for some reason and you're like damn, it's crazy in there

someBODY once told me the world is macaroni

NEW Briny Skittles Dill pickle Artichoke Olive Sauerkraut Kimchi

Late night tacos would fix me.

What’s wrong babe you’ve barely kissed my ass

currently obsessed with twin flame (mgk) 🫠

you buy honey one time and your kitchen is sticky until you move out

I almost posted a serious thought again

Therapist: please, have a seat Me: *takes a chair and walks out

shout out to the lazy fuck who named, green beans

if it’s not about me i’ll do hair flips until it is.

shitpost so shit nobody likes it

how does one take a shower? they seem pretty stationary

um actuallying my way to your mute button

perverts, the lot of you

uteryou + uterme = uterus

i love the smell of weed in the morning

dolly should have just set jolene on fire

When asked if it’s taco time the answer is always yes 🌮🌮🌮

is your dog a boy or a girl and how do you know

We are all God’s children. Just kidding, there is no god.

Fuck it up, Buttercup

Boy, if we were seahorses, I would get you *so pregnant*

hey (with the intention of befriending you so hard)

Coming up with jokes about erectile dysfunction isn’t hard.

I don’t need a man I just need someone to help me with this pimple on my back

by Shari Vincent