wait can you have sex in heaven

oh come on rapture, have tomorrow off work, can’t you reschedule

my mom took tylenol when she was pregnant, which made me super focused on menswear and now i have a million followers on twitter

had my heart medically stopped twice yesterday, you?

barely legal olive oil

The city can be so pretty

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

BREAKING: there is egg nog at the grocery store

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

Not to be dramatic but if I don’t get a little kiss on the forehead soon I might eat drywall

Go ahead, share that ridiculous post. No one reads these things on the weekend.

My body needs more sleep so I give it more coffee

oh, the mysterious knocking on the walls at night? yeah, the guy who was murdered in this house loved knocking. he loved it so much

Let’s all touch pumpkins

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

snake is short for snack cake

normalize 5 PM bedtime

pretty sure the reason I often dated men who weren’t good for me is because I grew up always being told if a boy was mean to me it was because he liked me

Hanging on by a thread is the new vibe

Thought I had a DM. Nope, just someone blocking me

Answering all calls from now on with "Go ahead caller, you're on the air"

thoughts & prayers but with free 2-day shipping

a poltergeist that just fucks with your phone settings

i hope this email finds you faster than it takes me to find Waldo

*crickets chirping and then screaming what the fuck*

dr pepper is the scientist actually. you're thinking of dr pepper's monster

hey, thanks for following, you will regret it

Reposting skeets until they are appreciated appropriately

The boldest thing you can do is be yourself

Believe me, you're not hard to love

[dog park] DOG OWNER: which one is yours ME: i haven’t decided yet

*inventing Bluetooth* Well, it works about 60% of the time. That’ll probably be good enough forever.

I'd like public transportation more if it didn't transport so much of the public.

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

If naps had a taste, it would probably taste like pizza.

exact is short for exactually

First date idea: we text for 6 weeks before we meet

can’t tell if I need water, therapy, or a nap. probably all 3

“trust the process” ok but this process sucks

it’s the 5 year anniversary of my moms death today and let me just tell you… go hug your mom if you can. It’s still so fucking hard.

Guys it makes me feel bad when you talk about logging off, can you take that convo offline?

I wanna rock with you, but not all night. That's unrealistic.

Told someone I was busy doing important things and couldn't hang out. important things I was doing:

iso: attention

Blowing up somebody’s phone with notifications while they sleep is a love language

I say I like to cook but really I just like when everybody goes around the table and says something nice about my cooking