The first person to come up with bagpipes musta been really high

Saw this recently: It’s illegal to use your phone while driving. Instead, use the giant iPad built into the car and flip through multiple settings to use NAV or turn on the AC. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A two word horror story: Dry-clean only

A three word horror story: Not dishwasher safe

oh, you’re actually gonna tell me about your day after i asked “how was your day?”. i was not prepared for this

[deleting my post after only getting 5 likes in 24 hours] I hope no one saw that

My talent is taking a normal pleasant conversation and making it awkward

please don’t catch feelings for me I’ll have to block you

Ahhh I fucked up

so I’ve never gone to a FIFA game before 👀 today’s game was nuts

Decided to cheer for the fun team today at the game

You know what never got a red card? Love.

be nice to me today, I’m Canadian

😔

i would like to opt out of feeling things

Potluck is finding a fat joint in your jacket pocket.

Floating down a lazy river for the rest of my life sounds great.

things the narcissist has said: me: I’m trying my best him: well as usual your best isn’t good enough

the way my heart absolutely sank seeing my nail salon of 7 years permanently closed

imagine winning FIFA tickets cuz I did

“What the hell is that?” I ask, not really wanting to know.

I hate that I have to wear a bra for school drop off actually

Bobcat is short for Robertcatherine

everyone at this heart clinic is 80+ therefore I am also 80+

ok i had a popsicle and now i am BACK

I'm a really hot psychic. You could say I'm psychotic.

them: why don't you- me: no

For the low, low price of 10k, I will come to your house and lovingly kick you in the balls.

just a sec I’m getting really high first

Excuse me while I slip into something more margarita

If I disappear for 2 days I’m either thriving or spiraling

most of you need to do some inner child work just saying

i just want to make you coffee every morning for the rest of our lives is that too much to ask

who’s keeping the potato salad industry alive

I just really need the younger generations to understand that peaches come from a can and that they were put there by a man.

I’m always shocked at how many Americans don’t know they should dip their grilled cheese in ketchup

So far it’s a perfect day to be Canadian

So far it’s a perfect day to be Canadian

You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken is done.

detective: you're a sick son of a bitch, you know it? that bird was your friend of 10, 12 years and you drop a big fuckin boulder on him. wile e. coyote: i swear to god man i didn't think it was gonna work. it never works. oh god. detective: nevada's a death penalty state.

recently hooked up with my ‘one that got away’ after 10+ years and my heads been fucked ever since so excuse me

I've just heard two grown adults ask each other what chicken broth is And then Google it My faith in humanity continues to plummet

good morning divas

wanna be a little absurd later

Cocaine so white it won't shut the fuck up about the World Cup

Drinking coffee and thinking of all the things I’m going to avoid doing this weekend.

what the hell is string cheese