Ok, not really a craw, also not a fish, but let's call it crawfish and go to bed and fuck because there's no one else on this boat, it's been months and I'm bored ~ marine biologists

I saved a bug from being murdered today. I expect the entire bug community to leave me alone from now on as a thank you gift for this heroic endeavour.

It may be hard to believe looking at all my serious posts lately but one year ago I still posted silly stuff like that one about buttholes

‘excuse me while i slip into something a little more inevitable,’ i murmur seductively as i don my diaphanous burial shroud

Who's your favorite Jedi? (wrong answers only)

Don't ever let anyone tell you you're an idiot. Let me be that one.

I’ve been crapping a lot on celery lately, but the truth is I actually like the taste. As long as I wash the crap off first.

Who's your favorite Jedi? (wrong answers only).

He's boggling my mind

wife: do that thing I like me: spontaneously combusts

In BlueSky olden days it was legal to gather and burn our old skeets so the aroma of roasting bangers drifted through the crisp evening air for weeks

Disclaimer: any resemblance between my skeets and coherent thoughts is purely coincidental

Yeah ok but my post wasn't intended for liking and reposting it was meant as the opposite of a banger

*me watching you while you sleep* “You’re doing it wrong”

we are overdubbing all your lines with a really stupid sounding guy

You could fit my limited vocabulary into a really small thingy.

The more things progress, I'm thinking knitted straight jackets aren't such a bad idea.

Let's not repost each other and say we did

[Next to you at the uninal] hey dude do you know anything about dick infections

I've come here to do two things: Drink tea and make pee. And I'm all out of neither.

Always remember: your butthole wouldn't be your butthole without you

It's been awhile since Bluesky was consumed by buttholes. Which is honestly a funny ass sentence to type.

You're so funny! <obnoxious>.

You can put an egg on anything and call it breakfast

confident that if they could, cats would smoke cigarettes

Can I have everyone's attention please? Thank you.

“I wish we could talk about everything like we used to.” "Why can’t we?” "I don’t like you now.”

Can we all just agree on the next date for the rapture? I really have to go to the bathroom.

I don’t trust people who “can’t complain.”

If your post has hashtags I'm not reading it

*attaching a silencer to the staple gun*

The tractor pull is my least favorite farm-equipment orgy activity.

If you’re new, some tips to get you started: 1. Put your dumb thoughts into words and send 2. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. No one is reading it anyway 3. Like and repost others, don’t be one of “them” 4. Make a search link, you lazy fuck 5. Never, and I mean NEVER, use a question mark

you think they're the one but they stir pots anticlockwise

Can't you boggle someone else's mind?

i think it was descartes who famously said, “to be human is to select all the pics with crosswalks in them.”

when I cook dinner—is it something easy and not so delicious? sure. but, do I use every fucking pot, pan, and special cooking gadget? also, yes. shit. wait, i forgot where I was going with this…

i can’t explain this but my husband looks like a victorian child dying of plague when he sleeps.

Imagine sex with me… No. More high-fiving

why did they call it a urinal when boylet is right there

My type of foreplay is mellow in the sense that I only play Luther Vandross songs on my kazoo

My secret to staying young is shitting my pants and crying about it

it’s a bird! no, it’s a plane!! no, wait—it’s

I have yet to see the giggle monster and frankly I'm disappointed.

I can heal you in my messbed

Working with Argon is like...

If my cat could say one word in human it would have to be "PARKOUR"

Imagine being alive for 500 years as a tree only to be cut down so 1000 hairless apes can wipe their ass with you.

I put gas in a Telsa today. They'll regret leaving their windows down when they smell it.

Here, eat this. You're not you when you're hungry. *hands you silica gel packet*