cat: *sees hardwood floor* that's a bed cat: *sees laundry rack* that's a bed cat: *sees stairs* that's a bed cat: *sees my head* that's a bed cat: *sees a cat bed* what the FUCK is that??

Look at this little snugglebug. And the cat's pretty cute, too

how am i supposed to answer this text from my mom

the special kind of funny where you can make everyone laugh at a party even when you're sad

The Grimy Reaper

the great snacksby

my 82 year old widowed grandmother has a boyfriend! my dad yelled at me when i said "looks like meats back on the menu" but deep down i think he knew it was a pretty good joke

you can add -e to any word to class it up, farte, cocke, balle, cume, turde, it works on anything. the e stands for 'elegance'

cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see

First date idea: we eat a giant wheel of cheese together

Im getting divorced as soon as I can get married

I thought that I would never match "pulled muscle in ribcage by sneezing while lying down weird" for washed-style injuries, but I've been dealing with a shoulder that hurts because I slept on it wrong for a couple weeks now. Can't wait to spend the rest of my life like this!

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood 12YO: "Gay neighborhood?" 15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

British joke writing coach: If you want bangers, you got to grind a lot of sausage, innit?

her name should be sabrina singer

Just when I'm about to fall asleep the monster under my bed gets talkative.

inventing a new, worse kind of depression to give myself extra artistic character

the president is committing war crimes, once eradicated diseases have returned, immigrants are being disappeared, concentration camps are back, billionaires are murdering communities with data centers, abortion is criminalized, and trans people are being erased, but at least robots can run marathons

Some of my happiest moments have been while walking home intoxicated through a quiet home town in the soft gentle snow

the sky a timid cream the copses of trees passing in whispers the blush of the clouds on the horizon as the dark stretches to kiss their soft bellies a constellation of rest stop lights in the distance as the engine purrs us closer to home

have any of you seen my phone

Skeetdaddle

i wish my body worked like an iPhone and told me exactly how long i need to charge until im at 80%

PILL CHECK

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and other aesthetic-related freak eye injuries.

and i feel like i just got home

i bet it feels amazing for the first shoe to hear the second shoe drop

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

strait of hormuz to be renamed schrodinger's strait

you gonna eat that chip on your shoulder

Every fucking day I see something so relatable and get closer to my final form: cat

What if we demolished a charcuterie board together about it? What then, huh?

stairway to fuck it i'll just wait for you down here

In an alternate universe furries make themselves look like humans and call themselves skinnies

my pfp kinda makes me look like a cop

I think dudes would have more respect for boobies if their balls were on their forehead. (Fuck it, send)

Mom: you know you can only be a fuck up for so long Me: was that a challenge? Mom: no that wasn't a ch- Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

[dinner party] you are all special to me so i cooked slabs of real plastic *lol* none of those micros everyone are eating

Yes my account has pretty much been selfies and cat posts lately. The good natural light is back and this cat is my favorite person. The world is full of horror, but here there is Floof.

All new employees must answer 3 riddles from the troll who lives in the boiler room. If you fail all 3, you go directly into management.

Me: can I get a big gulp? Waiter: sir, this is a fine dining establishment... Me: apologies my good man, could I trouble you for an immense swallow

I like cats because they express affection by being adjacent

Personify implies the existence of perdaughterify

Started my day off with a healthy dose of micro plastics.

people often criticize a dog and pony show but frankly, i think that sounds kind of neat

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!” “You are SO immature.”

Bring it on!

Thinking about homing from work tomorrow* *sitting in my empty office and ignoring calls from family members

🖤