today’s workout brought to you by: cramps and cannabis, having to tell some young bucks to kick rocks, nothing to watch on TV, and my fav artist ben howard

i was a regifted child

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

people who put carrots in potato salad should be brought to death

a bunch of old white men talking about making babies is by far the grossest thing ever

Before getting involved with someone, ask yourself: Is this a person I can visualize cropping out of pictures one day?

I would like to collect printouts of your dong pics in a crisp manila folder

ATTENTION: If Your Life Depends on RFK Jr, You’re Gonna Die

Thank you all for coming, no more questions at this time [me, the Ghost of Meat Loaf, and Interstellar Robot Emily Dickinson climb into the gondola of our WeinerMoBlimp and fly off to Godzilla Island]

i can drink a capri sun in less than 5 seconds

If I ever offer you ham and eggs for breakfast, just know that what you’ll actually be getting is a handful of uncooked oatmeal and a glass of hot water.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

today’s workout brought to by: going outside even though it’s cold and I started my period, secretly was hoping I could see the moon in the daytime, dudes are all up in my msgs except the ones I wanna talk to, tbh I feel extra hot bc whoremoans, and a song by dua lipa

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

COP: you ran a red light ME: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction so i also did not run a red light COP: what ME: it’s a law look it up

VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.

how is this real

Took the cats out for a walk with my brother and accidentally created a 90s Britpop album cover

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments? Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

I’m only 30 seconds into the local news and it’s already weird. Someone shot a monkey… in Tennessee!🙈

PSA: Little Debbie Christmas trees now come in chocolate.

Congratulations to Donald Trump for presiding over the longest government shut down in history. Breaking the previous record held by {checks notes} Donald Trump. #shutdown

my mom clipped a dude’s obituary out of our local paper, mailed it to me LIKE USED A STAMP AND ENVELOPE, and wrote, “remember when you went on a date with him?”

Nothing is more urgent than my mother reaching me to let me know that someone I met once as a child has died

[my grandpa in his 40s] i am so proud of what ive accomplished in my life [me in my 40s] oh wow funerals cost a lot i should take up ditch digging

this season of the morning show has sucked so epically bad. HOWEVER one monologue of a cocaine fueled cory talking about “the rest of our lives will never compare to the days of receiving cds in the mail for pennies. long live columbia house!” was some funny shit

i’m a great friend imho

Stop unfollowing me im hilarious

*performs a lobotomy and plays the empty recycle bin sound*

Spirit Halloween Hiring Manager: And where do you see yourself in five days

The revolution will look like this

hi, just letting you know that turkey sausage is violently disgusting. thanks for your time.

The thing is I hardly ever fuck around but I’m always finding out.

Imagine just throwing your trash on the ground, like, "I am done with this. It is not my problem." Then someone else walks up, they're done too, and they're like, "What do I do with this? Oh I see! I will just let go. I will just open my hand and forget I ever had this." Quit littering hearts

Arlo is here to get cozy and win hearts

no lies, I started today 👀

the only man of this house

a dude that told me he blocked my number bc I won’t bang him sent me a wassup text so looks like he wants to he turned down again

my mind is the junk drawer of my body

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

Lost another fight with my stove clock

THE INVENTOR OF LIFE INSURANCE: what if I told you that you could be in a Dateline documentary

Sisterhood of the travelling pants. But the pants keep coming back rather than staying with the sisters. I have tried to leave them with the neighbour. Split them in two. Run them over with a lawnmower. Now I've locked the pants in the basement but I don't know how long the barricades will last.

the Statue of Liberty now has big naturals

Big titted goth bimbos for the communist revolution

I am sorry to report that cramming for a professional development class works about as well for only studying for a few hours before and showing up for the final exam in college when you haven't attended the class all semester

going to start jumping into every random convo i see on my tl and make it about horses

25 of the funniest posts we’ve seen on Bluesky this week. www.thepoke.com/2025/11/05/2...

nobody knows

it’s fun when a bad guy dies, as a treat