ME: i love pizza TOMBSTONE: you sure?

I jokingly asked a dude if he had a miss piggy tattoo and now I have a grown man in full kermit cosplay outside my window.

Just closed out a meeting by reminding people that I am off on friday and if they need anything to "pretend that I am deceased"

All clothes are tearaway if you’re strong enough

Unbuttoning my jeans when I sit down on the couch is gender-affirming care

cumin is clearly the most horny spice

a praying mantis is praying for YOUR DEMISE

My 12 year old just said “I gotta take a Ben Franklin” and I have to say it made having him totally worth it.

gm but only to other people injured in the night by sleep

genie: you have three wishes me: that is way too many decisions

i’m tired of dating apps. i want to meet someone the old fashioned way, through land contracts

[after watching a video of an unlikely friendship between a border collie and a crow] everything’s gonna be alright after all

If you see something, spray something.

I just know I’d have to start my rap battle verse with “notwithstanding”

filling my weekly pill organizer with haikus

today’s workout brought to you by: on monday we take chemo, knowing my worth and not putting myself on sale, and for those paying attention to the songs - a follow up (not chronological) to yesterday’s pearl jam

BEHOLD MY LOUNGE PANTS, PANTS MADE OF LOUNGE.

‘Why are you always tired?’ I’ve been alive every day since I was born. It adds up.

machete would be a beautiful name for a girl

woke up gay again

The person who named the fireplace was just fucken sick of naming things

Die Hard was actually appropriated from pagans

way to capture the zeitgeist, kohl’s

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of roughly 3-5 people

literally every dude’s dating profile says he’s looking for a woman who is drama free and literally every woman I know is chill until a dude brings all the drama into their life.

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

it’s funny when I start dating someone new and they say things like, “you’re so nice.”

15-year-old niece showed me her new analog watch and after complimenting it my first question was "do you know how to read it?"

Always keep a small piece of chalk in your pocket lest you run out of tums or fall down and die.

children should be vaccine and not hearsed

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

Sorry I liked all your comments on Venmo, friend of my sister

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

Watched the sunrise with angels this morning.

Me at 25: By middle age, you should own nice home and have a thriving showbiz career Me at middle age: *in an okay apartment, very into squirrels*

Tbf, if a rat crawled under my hat and started controlling me, I wouldn’t even care. Take the wheel, rat daddy

I am proud of you if you left Scientology, didn't properly redact files on purpose, or put hard pants on today. Also if you haven't done any of those things but did something nice for someone today.

we should have listened

I have a gato

i am going to make a movie about a girl who kills a president and all his henchmen by luring them into isolated spots seductively and then punches them in the nuts so hard they die. she is never caught.

it's my birthday! gimme all your hugs and kisses

Did he call me "unserious"? Hold my beer hat

light a candle for me mother fucker

stuff be doing

today’s workout brought to you by: emergency therapy sessions, driving to nothing, kids at the pool, and pearl jam

still grappling with the fact people block me. ME!

walter says caturday is every day

my proctologist says that out of all his patients, my ass is the cutest

still winning the war on sensuality