Does the rapture start at midnight? And is that CST or PST? I have a few texts i wanna send first

me telling my grandkids what it was like to have vaccines

one way to tell if you’re weird is if your best friend is a sock puppet

[walking out of a time machine into 2025]

I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate

contrary to popular belief, it is not illegal but only “frowned upon” to like my posts

nice try cauliflower rice. you ain’t foolin no one bitch

(trying to explain "fuck, marry, kill" to a black widow spider) no it's *three different* guys

I’d seriously prefer that people post some half-assed original skeet than post a skeet that’s only one word different than someone else’s skeet. C’mon buttholes.

i’m not just a pretty face i am also a huge piece of shit

we’re gonna need a “joined sept 2025” labeler if we don’t have one already

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

the one trick mods don’t want you to know

I bet the coolest thing about being a stock photo model is when you bring home a picture frame that already has your picture in it

masturbation is a sin. more like dildont amiright?

Hobbies include looking for my phone while I am using it

just tightening the same toilet seat bolt every week until I die

this is how you social media with grandma

POLITICIANS AFTER VILE POLITICAL ACTIVIST IS SHOT: we 👏 must 👏 reject 👏 political 👏 violence 👏 of 👏 any 👏 kind 👏 POLITICIANS AFTER A BUNCH OF BABIES ARE SHOT: ah, whaddya gonna do? 🤷

MAGA 3 days ago: Chicago is about to find out the meaning of WAR MAGA today: the left needs to stop condoning violence

ok time to reset the timeline 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 BIG BOAT STUCK 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

imagine being named Jeffrey Epstein. hey it could be worse. you could be Geoffrey Epstein.

Why learn to cook when I can have cereal: a meal and a dessert and a drink

how many terrys went into making this cloth

[shopping for a dildo at bed bath and beyond] “point me to the beyond section please”

[freddy krueger enters my dream and it’s just me pogo sticking around on a giant dildo] Freddy: what the..

i do not give advice if you ever see this account giving advice do not take it, it is a devious plot to ruin you forever and possibly make you shit your pants DO NOT LISTEN TO ME DO YOU HEAR ME

Why won't they tell us if Mr. Peanut's dick is shaped like a peanut? I'm sick of filling out Freedom of Information requests

For the health of your back in middle age, avoid risky activities such as: - Standing - Sitting - Lying down

It's that time of year again: Eat an entire raw pumpkin faster than our hippopotamus and win a lifetime membership to Greeneville Zoo!

if you send four cap’n crunch box tops to cap’n crunch headquarters as proof of purchase they will send you a new roof for your mouth

ignore the haters drink the lava lamp

Zillow needs a filter for areas with interesting birds

ME: think about it. he doesn’t steal ham so really he should be called the hamburgerburglar THERAPIST: you’re paying $200 an hour for this

i want to be buried with a dye pack. just in case of grave robbers

[naming committee] BOSS: you're in charge of naming the stuff that comes out of a cow's butt WORKER: this is bullshit

i make my kid say a cuss word everytime i catch them eating a bar of soap

I always write the date on HVAC filters when I change them. I also write "If you're reading this, it means I'm gone..."

horrifying if true

really? you’re gonna wipe the rim of the bottle before you take a drink? I’ve seen you eat ass todd

The 80's called. They don’t want anything back. Actually they want to borrow your iPhone

Sorry I didn't text you back earlier. I've been trying to think of a good excuse why I didn't text you back earlier.

travis kelce asked me to marry him first but im not ready to settle down yet

Don’t forget to thank a laborer for their service today

only you can prevent pants on fire

did you know you can crush eggshells to make plant food or that you can set yourself on fire

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don't do that so I told them he had a lighter.

It's the little things (the mites that live on your eyelashes)

Most of you know that video killed the radio star. What you don’t know is that video strangled the radio star with some old shoelaces. Some real serial killer shit

Marty Mcfly: a time machine? Lets go back in time and stop Hitler Doc Brown: oooor we could help your dad fuck your mom