Oh sure it's funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone's head but when I do it it’s a “crime”

8yo just asked me if "ASS" stands for "Ass Shit Shit"

they’re a ten but they have their read receipts on

you snooze you win actually

i love that no matter our differences we can still come together as a country and enjoy watching jake paul get punched in the face

[first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Cop: Have you been drinking, sir? Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes

look at this photograph

To: All Staff Subject: Erotic Animal Night It was supposed to be Exotic Animal Night.

look at this photograph

i'm great at distracting people from obsessing about their problems by giving them new obscure things to worry about instead, and if you don't like that idea I also offer doing exactly that but 10x faster

I will continue to mention and congratulate my friends on their baby's length long after it is born

do NOT accidentally type guttermilk into your google search when you actually mean buttermilk

actually i prefer savory caroline

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby 2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

[Hulu boardroom] “netflix is killing us! let’s hear some ideas” -what if we make people choose one of the same 3 shitty commercials every 10 minutes? “first of all, i love it..”

feels like a good time to remind y'all that your gay apparel is dry clean only

thinking of entering the 2028 race. not as a presidential candidate. just as a person who shows up to debates and events and runs through them naked

you’re singing. you just caught your mom cheating on your dad with Santa Claus and you’re singing

bitch i have moderate to severe everything

bitch i have moderate to severe everything

Why can't a restaurant make nachos the way I make them so I don't have to make them

We have an opening for "big cat trainer." Must be faster than our previous big cat trainer.

*slams fists on table* there was a two for one sale at the fist store

are you tired of manually searching for gary smiths to follow? I’ve got you covered go.bsky.app/LvfyCmq

i wonder if chef boyardee ever became a chef manardee

In relationships, it’s important to remember the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled

I'm beginning to think the only reason my company even has a holiday party is so that everyone can see my dick.

Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit

ME IN 5TH GRADE: I'll never do drugs! ME TODAY: lol I was such a nerd in 5th grade

“omg gloves made out of paper towels” -me, stoned and eating chicken wings

the Bucs choking at the last minute cost me $760 reply w a good meme to cheer me up. I’ll start

i do not like living out of boxes i want to live out of the unusually large aquarium at the dentist’s office

you would spend so much of the apocalypse chugging old soda

[making porn] ok guys now let's do a silly one

my new job at Chick Fil-A is going to work out great! they're closed on Sundays and that's the day I do all my homosexual intercourse

sticks and stones will break your bones… unless it’s a kidney stone. then it will mess up your peehole

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

once i tried to cuddle a fuckboi and he pretended he was dead like a possum

Airport security is jealous of my sword

With a hammer, or...?

never understood why they called him the cookie MONSTER until he slid into my DMs

there is no way to be sexy while eating chicken wings

if you’re fighting, always try to be the bigger person. it’s much easier to beat up small people

Tech bros shocked that normal human beings enjoy thinking

Pornhub has released the top most searched terms in the United States and every state searched “industrial crane lifting a dark and dripping shape from an unquiet sea” bc America is going through it,

sorry mike

I believed in god until 3rd grade when my teacher told me there was no Santa Claus. Then i was like… oh ok, so all these mfs are liars. Got it

It's that time of year

a fun thing to do is to name your dog your neighbors kids name so you’ll be yelling shit like “HAYDEN!! YOU BITCH! ” when he’s outside barking