maybe Marilyn Manson had his ribs removed for a legit medical reason. did you ever consider that?

what’s your favorite forgotten band from the 90’s?

i gave my team the winning answer at trivia tonight. that rush will keep me from being suicidal for at least a week

The older I get, the more I sound like the lead singer of Disturbed when I wake up

if you’re friends with someone who wears an ascot, you can’t be mad when you get invited to his dogs birthday party

dry bologna sounds disgusting until you consider wet bologna

[naming bologna] guy who named colonel: I have some ideas

stopped masturbating ever since i got a memory foam

im up for an hour. reply with a random topic and ill try and write a shitty joke about it

I bet laying an egg feels so good for the hen

"Annie are you ok?" -yeah I’m good "Are you ok?" -dude, I just said yes "Are you ok Annie?" -OH FUCK YOU MICHAEL

how lucky was Mr Potato head to meet Mrs Potato head?

how lucky was Mr Potato head to meet Mrs Potato head?

The Strait of Hormuz is open for transit

in an alternate universe there’s a cat that loves mondays and hates lasagna

if you went back in time to 1989 and told your younger self the new show the simpsons would be on air at least as long as it would take for you to be the same age as homer and marge, younger you would have no idea what that meant

[couples therapy] Me: she treats me like a child Therapist: are you eating a Ring Pop?

It's not a world war if you can't rustle up any allies

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a kangaroo named Jeffrey

[playing strip poker] *taking off my monocle* this counts as an item

we were so preoccupied with where is Waldo that we never stopped to think why is Waldo

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type? ME: I've never really thought about it. As long as it has a good personality lol ER Doctor: let him bleed out

Me: Of course Winnie the Pooh doesn’t wear pants. He’s a bear. Why does he wear a shirt is the better question. Babysitter: Are you gonna drive me home or should I call an Uber?

Hi, nice to meet you. Would you like to exchange pleasantries while masking our true selves

Those Lethal Weapon movies are so unrealistic. There’s no way Mel Gibson is friends with a black guy

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone with assorted meats and cheeses breaks in and needs to make a charcuterie board

Adam it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Levine! You know that new sound you been lookin for? Well listen to this! *crushes testicles in vise*

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

i won $300 betting on sports tonight. let’s celebrate until i lose it all plus another $100 tomorrow

wanna know more about the people who pronounce mario like mary-o

say what you will about me but I would never date a guy named Dylan

guess what this guy is doing

why stop at carrot cake? here have some asparagus pudding you sick fuck

Thank you for having International Women's Day on the shortest day of the year

ME: [opens video called "Easy Meals When I Don't Feel Like Cooking"] VIDEO: These recipes only take about 30 minutes to make- ME: [closes video]

[inventing the hot air balloon] I don't give a fuck where I go

Went to the Bone Temple and they were worshipping your mom

Adam it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Levine! You know that new sound you been lookin for? Well listen to this! *crushes testicles in vise*

You’re in her dms, I’m crashing my car into a fruit stand during a high speed chase

[naming the toilet] guy who came up with fireplace: how about shitchair?

who the fuck has the discipline for rechargeable batteries?

my dad even didn’t have a leaf blower he got on his hands and knees and blew them into a pile with his mouth

do not play pickleball in my presence

THE TOOTH FAIRY: (a fairy who collects children’s teeth) so that RFK is weird huh?

[groot walks up my driveway just as I’m throwing a log in the fire pit]

the first old person to put tennis balls on their walker was baller as hell

Imagine two cows having sex. Now imagine them wearing tiny hats. What's wrong with you?

how many squirrels as pets is considered weird?

Doc said no heavy machinery but my care bears cloud car seems pretty harmless

HIPSTER: i was eating pizza before it was cool ME: did u burn ur mouth