At the Pearly Gates St. Peter: Whoa, what the fuck are you doing here? Me: I know, right? I thought for sure it would be the other place. St. Peter: Let me check the notes. (scans book) Me: I’ll save you time. I said “yes” to rounding up for charity at Taco Bell. St. Peter: Goddamn loopholes.

there are 2 kinds of ppl in this world: ones who can infer from context

sorry i inside joked all over your pudenda

Getting a new phone to recognize yinze as a word is almost enough to make me switch to y'all.

growth is being able to plan for your future, like bookmarking a post so you can gloat about how they were wrong 6 months later

And for my next trick, I will find my motivation and Do The Things!™️ 🪄

The dog species that most enjoys dad jokes is the corn dog.

Her: When interacting with others, your default mode is playing dumb. Me: Playing? No.

Growth is not unblocking someone just to unload all the clever new comebacks I've thought of.

Hahahaha turd

I could build a rocket-shaped object that blows up when you turn it on, why am I still working.

you always have the power to have no opinion. - marcus aurelius

Some things in life will never make sense and I'm ok with most. However, the traffic slow down in Pittsburgh BEFORE THE TUNNELS WILL NEVER MAKE SENSE AND WILL NEVER BE OK UNRESOLVED.

Existing is exhausting

The worst part of getting arrested has to be meeting new people

I just don't have the extra energy to get excited about rockets. Now strap certain people to them and I'm INVESTED.

Are you people not getting along with everyone on here? I just assumed that everyone here was well-respected and loved by all.

Brother was sentimental and sent me pic of 21 yr old queen this morning. Not much has changed other than the eyebrows. Wtf was I thinking…..

i keep asking what is the sign language for la croix and apparently it’s the middle finger

Before you block me, know that I was "a pleasure to have in class" on multiple occasions

While cleaning I made up a fight with someone all in my head Tomorrow I will try to not be able to decide where to eat

Being suspended is not enough I need Aaron to hunt us for sport

I stared at chief for so long wondering if it was chef. Not a picture. That would have been ridiculous. The word.

I’ve been first in line FOR A WEEK and I swear to god if it isn’t me, I am DONE peeing in the bucket.

To celebrate 50K followers, I am going to release a hostage

can't, I'm like this by design

nothing that ever mattered, matters any less now

Wrong answers only

Rocket Money ads aren’t even trying to be believable. Who, in these trying times forgets they have THREE doordash accounts? “Oh I totally forgot I had those.” Shut up, chief. You’re getting your privilege on my shoes

Justin Long is doing Ozempic commercials and honestly, it’s the funniest he’s ever been.

Me, lighting my petard: No way is this going to hoist me

People named skip really piss me off

gasoline tastes both better and worse than you expect it will

I dropped a piece of parchment paper on the floor four days ago. The cats are not yet done w it. I fear they will never be done with it.

How is it not the weekend

Told the receptionist at the Dr. office that I was born in '66. Receptionist: 1966? Me: No, 1866. I was born right after the Civil War and I'm 160 years old. That's why I scheduled an appointment with the doctor...

Fore goes dinner (eats my weight in popcorn)

If I get booted from bsky, this will be why.

So what kind of Birthday cake should I buy myself? Fan of fruity and unconventional. Still talking cakes. Not men.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that karma isn’t real.

The age old dilemma: to be funny or fall apart? I say, nay I DEMAND: why not both?

And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Bitch, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, bitch!

i back my truck into parking spots but i go all the way into the next one

Oreos big naturals

The scene from Sixteen Candles only it’s me and my cat and a fire extinguisher.

it’s a school of fish, a murder of crows, and a cluster of barbaras

Roses are red, Babies in cribs,

Changed the fluorescent lightbulbs today for the very first time. Got electrocuted for the very first time today as well. If you think those are connected, you'd be correct.

Logging on to the mental illness machine.