of all the dumb shit that sucks these days, the dumbest and pettiest shit that sucks is the way people fetishize debate. i would like to revert to the old roughly agreed-upon cultural understanding that debate club is for boring friendless nerds

i really like the oi songs that are like 🎶 me and my mates / aving a pint / calling guys cunts cuz that’s a thing we do here / suddenly somebody / has a knife 🎶 like this right here is the spiritual heir to all those hank williams songs about ramblin and jail goin

Steve: I don’t understand. Doris: It’s simple, Steve, I want a divorce. Steve: That part makes sense. But why is a condition of the divorce that you get to “grind on it” whenever you want? Doris: It relaxes me. Steve: Why not get your own skateboard though?

The Game Of Thrones theme plays as the camera pans to me trying to fight off a seagull with a baguette

There is still good in the world.

Sorry for what I yelled when I was having packing anxiety

Once again, I call on all able bodied Americans who decry authoritarianism to legally change their name to Lee Harvey Oswald on November 23 to really screw with reality.

Have you tried wearing a flower crown about it?

I’m not successful TV creator but if I were making an aggressively fictionalized historical drama I don’t know that I’d score a fight scene where a gang of Fenians get the piss kicked out of them with “Get Your Brits Out”

“I won! I won! I won!,” he exclaimed after scratching off a free ticket saying he won another free ticket.

I've been ready for bed since 4pm

Nothing matters anymore go ahead and cut the tags off your mattresses

Care Bear stares you

Burp + Fart + Queef = Quarp

I'm Sure It'll Probably Be Fine A Memoir

Dr. Pepper: Try this amazing elixir I’ve created. Bystander: Say, this is pretty good. What’s it called? Dr. Pepper: I named it Peter Wackenbush Pepper’s Amazing Fantastic Drink of the Ages, after myself of course. Bystander: Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. Dr. Pepper: Got a better idea?

“C’mon, release the files.”

oh my god… the party rocking is coming from inside the house

I could still get married to Robert Plant. You don't know

You know who needs to come to his senses? Desperado.

“Not ever doing that again,” he says while leaving the botanical garden.

He’s a 10, but he spits loogies in public

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

Change a movie by adding a word: St. Elmo's Dumpster Fire

I would rather drive off a cliff than make my own pie crust

Sure I’ll go to the school’s Ice Cream Social… but it’ll be for the ice cream, not the social.

All-timer wikipedia article

I'm sorry that hetero men are lonely but I'm curious how many of them have tried simply not being fucking terrible

Chat, is this anything? Dairy that doesn’t make you sick.

Mission impossible 8 has more exposition than any film ever made.

Now that’s a burrito

I dunno why it gets such a bad rap, my discover feed is full of magic and whimsy and penises and boobs.

Oh I’m gonna self medicate so hard today *squirts whip cream in mouth

Delete like no one’s watching…

Public: RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES Trump: ok, i’ll cave and give you all what you so desperately want. here are the Amelia Earhart files

Amelia Earhart has been frozen in the Arctic tundra for almost a century only to be revived by a top secret program called Sleeping Sparrow. Her mission is to go back in time and collect infinity stones to wish the Epstein files away and give Duh Frumpier eternal life.

tough acting Tinactin, you fuckin want some of this bro?

Putting my tits in chaos mode

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

(confronting one hundred nude men with erections standing in a city park) i said this was a MEET up, not a MEAT up!!!

Been blocked by better people than you. At least you showed what’s what and clearly won the exchange of ideas. Good for you.

My vagina could cure insomnia but men should stay awake and think about what they’ve done.

im back on earth after being raptured. it turns out heaven is just a big cruise ship. jesus cooked last night and we all got food poisoned from the cannibal sandwich. im sitting here with a halo over my head like goku shitting my brains out

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

One thing about me is I’m slow to catch on but boy when I do we are gonna revisit the topic

my new dating profile just dropped

Nice one, Keith - suck it

I brought in garden tomatoes because you said your wife liked to make salsa and then you don’t stop by my office to pick them up after I message you is why I don’t bother making male friends at my age Keith.

people don’t have paintings with eye holes through which they might watch their unassuming guests anymore