social justice urologist: power to the peehole!

my drafts are worse than my sex life but with more witnesses

Me: Would be nice to not wake up everyday in the part of a dystopian novel where scientists are warning of imminent catastrophe and leaders are ignoring them. Customer Service Agent: Sir, I don’t get paid enough to deal with your existential crisis.

If you don't fully bake your butthole, you run the risk of E. coli

In France a Peeping Tom is called a Jean Luc Peek Hard

Been saying "uh oh" a worrying amount lately

It's less like a draft folder and more like a brain fart folder.

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

me: they’re just- wife: don’t say it me: ... wife: I mean it me: ... wife: ... me: lion there

having your city noticed by the president is now a natural disaster on par with a hurricane or major flood

Pretty soon half-baked butthole jokes as far as the eye can see

I went to clear the snow from my son’s car and I took his drivers wiper clear off, so if you’re looking for a helper, I’m available.

Just passed a Baskin Robbin’s that had a sign in the window that said “NO CASH KEPT IN STORE OVERNIGHT.” Please! Like I’d be breaking in for cash!

why should i give a shit about a country that can't even open a Hardee's in Los Angeles

hey man keep your pompatus in your pants nobody wants to see that thing

Gotta like how George Lucas took all the ambiguity out in the prequels as to what it meant to be a Jedi that the original films relied on. “Oh, you thought they were a bunch of mystical knights? Nope, just a group of dudes in gees that muffed it because they didn’t see this guy coming.”

“if i died right now, you guys, i want you all to know, tell everybody that she died sad” -vicki gunvalson, philosopher

A coworker says “Great Morning” instead of “Good Morning” and I feel like that should be a fireable offense.

After watching American Ninja Warrior I don't think my son has what it takes to be a ninja. I'd never tell him of course. But deep down, he'll know

“It has been a privilege and an honor,” he says before taking the last bite of steak sandwich.

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

I already have a full time job, it’s called anxiety

Went outside to watch the last fuck I had to give fly away. I hope it visits once in a while.

In my defense, he said "I was talking to chatgpt" your honor

“Wow, what a game!,” he says after playing FreeCell for three hours.

Did not watch halftime show, am hearing Bad Bunny married all of us to him through the tv? Woke is too much now I fear

Drops something on my foot 🎵 I hurt myself today / To see if I still feel / I focus on the pain / The only thing that's real🎶

Saw a post that said Robert de Niro did 600 crunches a day to prepare for his role in Cape Fear. It works, I’m up to 300 and I’m so angry I already want to beat the shit out of Nick Nolte.

Me: "Clear water, pretty fish, otters, penguins, seals! This is the best swimming spot ever!" Aquarium Employee: "Ma'am, please get out."

Funny story time because I’m at a daddy daughter dance.. which means my daughter is hanging out with her friends and I’m awkwardly avoiding interacting with the conservative dads. Also the Macarena is playing (foreshadowing).

Googles: How to contract fatal dysentery

I accidentally crushed the entire smurf village. In my defense, I wasn't looking where I was going.

Don’t know who needs to hear this but don’t forget to take your wiener medicine

THEM: Are you desperate for attention or something ME: [topless in marching band uniform, beating big drum] How dare you

she is beauty, she is grace she might stab you in the face

Me, massively behind and sweating: Antiquities for $400 Ken Jennings: This ancient Roman writer wrote about the known sundial varieties of the roman empire in 25 BCE. Me, in the verge of throwing up: Who is uuuuhhhh Flavius Flav?

i live in the pnw and just found out the seahawks are playing in the superbowl. i still hope bad bunny wins.

gonna lose my shit if Bad Bunny brings out Bugs Bunny as a special guest at the Super Bowl

“GIVE US THE SOCKS.”

It's winter for like seven out of twelve months here. Of course I do drugs

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

*dapper man in a dinner jacket lights a woman’s cigarette at a roulette table in a Monaco casino* ‘What’s your name?’ ‘The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach’

Things I don't give a single, solitary fuck about: 1. Winter Olympics 2. Superbowl LX 3. Superbowl LX's Halftime Show 4. Any celebrity's relationship status.

[Arby's drive-thru] (muffled voice from deep inside Trojan horse): ask for extra horsey sauce

say what you will but the guys penmanship is impeccable

Superbowl Sunday is here and you know what that means; you have to watch all 59 previous games before today’s game or you’ll be completely lost.

This mixed curling is off. The. Hook.

gonna start serving durian fruit at parties and weddings so people will stop inviting me to them

My daughter’s friend thinks I look like I’m in my 20s so she’s in the will.