You said you wanted something hot and steamy in the morning, so I brought you coffee. No need to scream about how I got inside your bedroom.

Seems like a good day to not give a fuck

I’ve heard that kangaroo meat tastes like beer. It’s from all the hops.

The World Cup “kicks” off in less than a month. ⚽️ I’m sure our public health system is fully funded and up to task of dealing with millions of international visitors!! 🇺🇸

I’m tired and “The Facts of Life” girls are all older than Mrs. Garrett.

just saw a guy board the train with a 7/11 hot dog and it’s my bad I never considered that as a breakfast option

when life knocks you down just get up and kick life in the dick

“I remember when things used to work,” he says in the abandoned mall.

I feel a disturbance in the force (finds crumbs on my boob shelf)

Gonna pop some gas station boner pills and do a Big Bang Theory marathon as a little treat for myself.

My senior class field trip was to a minimum security prison.

comforted by the fact that food you eat in your car during a road trip is calorie free

Morose implies the existence of lessrose

Do people mad about the odyssey casting know about bible characters being cast as vegetables

Oh, for the sake of everlasting fuck.

Orson Welles: I worked with Grogu. Not in film you see but on the stage. Brilliant performer but a cruel disgusting wretch of a soul. Interviewer: Pourrions-nous parler de Citizen Kane à la place, s'il vous plaît ? Welles: yes he did sell out his friends to HUAC, I will never forgive him for that

Frankenstein's monster got a bad rap for how he behaved, but behind it all I think he was good people

Looks like someone dropped their cock ring in the gas station parking lot

Why would your solution not be to download the software at home idiot www.businessinsider.com/gavin-newsom...

Still punk rock I mutter as I clean my travel comb with a toothpick.

Bruh 🇺🇸

Wife: “What are you eating?” Me: “Breakfast pizza.” Wife: “It doesn’t look breakfast pizza.” Me: “It’s pizza. And I’m eating it for breakfast.”

Wondering what the first person to use the phrase 'the shit hit the fan' was going through

Tried smoking some salmon and it tasted like shit and wouldn't burn properly. So I think I'll stick with tobacco

I’ve had this in my wallet for 10 yrs.

Life is real bad right now but at least my Etsy witch fully disappeared confirming that she is actually magic

Just a couple of dudes being weird about a movie that hasn’t been released yet

Me: *tells joke* Her: Can’t you ever be serious? Me: *tells same joke in German* Her: OK, that was scary

Like I'm always saying: Geen poppenspelers

COSTCO: here, try this ME: oh yummy COSTCO: so you like it? ME: yes, it's delicious COSTCO: well, we don’t sell it anymore and you'll never see it again.

Boss: Why didn’t you respond to this urgent email? Me: You call that urgent? Boss: I put the exclamation thing on it. Me: Rating the best Portishead song isn’t a high priority. Boss: … Me: It’s Sour Times. Boss: I knew it! (awkward dance that one does to Portishead music)

I still call Grogu the Sears Tower.

Imagine driving drunk and hitting a clown car. 15 counts of dui manslaughter

Saying sectional like sextional.

Me to RFK Jr: “You should smile less”

I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road...

I don’t know why the color of the chip clip has to match the bag of chips it’s goin on it just does

The public has been clamoring for one name and one name only since the Craig era ended…Florence Pugh

Me: “There’s something wrong with John Travolta..” Her: “Yeah, he’s a Scientologist..”

i’ll have nothing left to live for once i use poignant correctly

When the Crash Test Dummies guy hummed, “mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm,” I felt that.

I think the next James Bond should sigh a lot when he has to do stuff. A little whiny. Like he can still take out henchmen and all but he should play it like he’s really annoyed at having to do it all

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

“What we have here is a failure to communicate,” he says to the demon possessed Stretch Armstrong.

“It’s people! It’s PEOPLE!” I scream as they drag me out of Taco Bell

There’s a glaring historical inaccuracy in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming film of The Odyssey: they didn’t have cameras back then. Theatres should have a blank screen and an old man reading out the script

28: what's the difference between a charcuterie board and a cheese tray? me: about $24.00

(opens envelope) goddammit i'm the new James Bond