Whatever is said to a lawyer, a priest or a stripper is privileged communication and usually costs about the same.

anyone know of any ethical sources of adrenochrome

him: I’m emptying the dishwasher. the utensils are still warm. me: what?!? NO! you have to let them cure in there for a couple of days! him: Big Wash can’t control me. me: you’re fucking it up for the rest of us. him: I said what I said.

My 12 year old is singing “Mr. Roboto” while doing their homework and I gotta say… parenting ✅

After my third joke, a health meter appears over my therapist’s head

Maybe there will be another asteroid?

Ariel's first mistake was wanting to be where the people are

I’m worried about my anxiety.

I’m just going to assume if it was really important it wouldn’t be behind a paywall, so no, I’m not concerned about the five things in my pantry that will kill me.

if you've ever run in flip-flops you should be disqualified from running for office

If I were Superman I could pretend to lift myself into the air with my own farts. And that’s pretty much all I’d do

candles are always helpful to set the mood but don't forget the accelerant

Oooh ok. Yeah, that makes more sense even though in Sunday school that he died willingly for our sins… that was all bullshit; like God just didn’t want us to realize we COULD kill an offspring of God.

Maybe God is mad at us because we had the hubris to claim we could build bears.

You may have seen my cameos in the following docu-dramas: Constipation Constipation 2: The Bloat From Within Constipation 3: The Struggle is Real Constipation 4: From the Bowels of Hell Constipation 5: A Shitposter's Journey

If you’ve been the victim of skeet theft, you may be entitled to compensation. Call 1-800-MY-SKEET-NOW and let them know You. Mean. Business

DID YOU? DID YOU KNOW?

Just bought a bookmark that doubles as a vibrator. Now every book gets a happy ending!

“Trust me. I do this all the time.,” he says as he squares off against God.

(sharpies my name on your forearm) there *now* you look badass

I slid into your DMs and gave you unsolicited medical advice. Please respond.

seriously it must be in their job description to comment about at least one thing you're buying, often "ooh I've haven't had these in a while"

Me on a first date: Fun fact, an average adult male can be reduced to about 6 pounds of cremains in about 2 hours.

Chicks before dicks? Look, if a hot guy wants to have sex with me, you bitches are dead to me.

do you ever watch a show like bridgerton or downton abbey and think there’s not one comfy looking piece of furniture in any of these rooms

Man hater logging on

If Jack Nicholson was born in 1937 and his sister is his mother and I’m 10 years older than he was in this picture, how old am I?

Yeah, I work out, I go to Trader Joe’s when it first opens and hurdle the other cultists to grab whatever special item they have.

getting my freak on one leg at a time

Respectfully, I don't think cooking together is romantic. Please move tf out of my way

Corporations love to make the times uncertain then write ads like "We live in uncertain times. Grape Nuts."

i love meatballs & i love hamburgers but i hate meatloaf i contain multitudes who wants to marry me

me: the catholic church should be torn down brick by brick pope leo: jesus ignores the prayers from those who start wars me: ok let him cook

smoking on that shit that made Pinky and the Brain think they could take over the world

At the symphony motherfuckers!

Gotta love it when you spend a bunch of money on something that breaks right away. Capitalism! It’s fan-fucking-tastic.

Throw out your hands Stick out your tush Hands on your hips Give 'em a push You'll be surprised You're doing the French Mistake

Watching Enter the Ninja (1981) and it’s just some white guy with a mustache. Dressed all in white. In a forest.

I ordered a pair of dark blue ones called “The Brookside” and I can already feel myself thinking about what music should be played at my funeral.

I ordered my first pair of cheaters today which I assume means I can see through people’s clothes.

my best guess is a vampire fell asleep on it last night

The dentist staining my mouth blue to see where I was missing with my toothbrush and then saying my plaque removal was "actually pretty good" was possibly the proudest moment of my adult life.

It’s time for the US to strike a devastating final blow against Iran with a total, unconditional surrender

With Easter rapidly approaching remember to rabbit proof your home and treat free candy in the shape of eggs with a healthy dose of skepticism

The flowers are blooming and so am I. I am becoming something unspeakable. The HOA has already called twice

In Mark Twain’s later life he was fixated on much younger women so I guess Bill Maher getting his award kind of makes sense.

Fuck the Olympics.

While I find Rowling’s views abhorrent, I’m not going to shame people for still feeling an attachment to Harry Potter. We have to remember how important those books were to a generation of kids as their gateway to Satanism.