🎵 The party's on The spirit's up We're here tonight And that's enough Simply having a

IT FINALLY HAPPENED I AM ON A PLANE WITH A BABY WHO SAYS “HI” TO EVERYONE AS HE GOES DOWN THE AISLE

2026 Predictions -The McRib will be back with a spicy version -Justin Timberlake will give up his quest to bring the “sexy back” -That thing we’ve all been waiting for will happen in August -The US dollar will be replaced with the chocolate coins your aunt gives you every Christmas

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

i unsubscribed from santa's naughty list and i still got a lump coal

I saw mommy tossing Santa’s salad and I have questions

“Do you hear what I hear?” uh yeah it’s the sound of your dad’s Santa suit jingling while he porks your mom in the downstairs powder room

(guy about to invent the egg white omelette) man i just wish this western omelette tasted way worse and was much less filling

My wish for Christmas is that for one day, we can make jokes without having them explained to us

Shopping the night before Christmas is my form of self-flagellation

Bringing some damn cheer to the party!! 🎄 🎅 🤶 🎼

On Christmas Eve I like to get drunk and steal a donkey for my wife, just like Joseph did for Mary back in the day.

my friend got kicked out for pirating movies at the bar I used to bartend at. best part was when the owner dramatically read the title and it was Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Wearing my sweatpants with writing on the ass that say, “Juicy, but not in the good way.”

Christmas Eve as a mom: festively doing chores in a festive onesie while doing festive math problems in your head calculating if you got equal presents for the kids and remembering where the festive heck you hid them

“Old Man" Marley was home alone.. until he met his 8 year old neighbor, Kevin McCallister.

Me: Then a dream panda was singing 🎵That's great, it starts with an earthquake Birds and snakes, and aeroplanes And Lenny Bruce is not afraid🎶 Therapist: It is a banger song. But let’s move past it. What does the song mean to you? Me: I suppose, that pandas are going to cause the apocalypse.

thoughtfully gazing out the window and farting like why are they so obsessed with me

The only DM that fooled me was a fake account of my state's governor who opened with, "Shawty what that thang do" and of course I accepted it because I am active in politics

motion to change 7 day weeks to 10 day weeks with the 3 new days being Weekendday3 Weekendday4 Weekendday5

if AI pops up and i ignore it does a tree still get quietly throttled in the forest

I want "So, like dragons and shit" on a t-shirt.

Slept like a log last night Outside on the ground, covered in bugs

Happy December 237th! Or, if you're still using the Octoberian calendar, Happy October 31,537th.

Not to get political, but I will keep a full bush until there is a regime change

BREAKING: Donald Trump issues executive order that every bowel movement be named after him.

Him, excited: “wanna hear about what happened in my DnD campaign yesterday?” Me: “sure, I was hoping for a dry vagina this morning.”

Narrator: (dramatically) Through this magical door is a world of myths and legends. Me: Like a four day work week and universal healthcare? Narrator: No, this is a fantasy story, so like dragons and shit. Me: Can the door go to a place that respects creativity? Narrator: Dude. Give me a break.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I’m staying on the tip of America’s flaccid penis this week.

But what if dolphins are evil?

Dear Santa, please burn it all down to the ground. Thanks - I have cookies for you

cut my babka into pieces, this is my last dessert

a moment of silence for these thoughts

the lion, the witch, and the middle management who just discovered authority

manifesting "john roberts head stuck in toilet" for 2026

i saw mommy kissing santa claus while my dad was filming it from the cuck chair

laser focused on my work pew pew pew

inside of me are two wolves and i’m still hungry

Calendar: “Watch as the days turn to weeks that turn to months that turn to years…” Me: “Fucking great. Thanks for the reminder, Calendar. Fucking dick.”

JK JK EFF YOU FOX BOOKS and never eff you Joe F O X!!

I claim to be a feminist but maybe not because like I would probably be okay with closing my legacy small business cutest bookstore in the world in order to bone Joe Fox Tom Hanks

cheese is ~ Jesus

I came into the city for a sex date* and other lies I tell myself *Pap smear

plugging the holes in my understanding with lies

monday rhymes with funday what bullshit is this?

Sorry I'm late, I asked J.R.R. Tolkien for details on how to get here

We all should take the rest of 2025 off. Nothing good will come from going to work. I’ll write you a doctor’s note.

if I ever go missing, don't waste time looking for me. just put a bad photo of me on the posters because I will claw my way out of hell to get back here and demand you take that down

Laughing ironically. That's in ha ha not he he. Freak.