Guy who refers to living in his car as “minimalism”

(Me sobbing on the toilet) Roommate: (knocks) You okay in there? Me: Fine. Everything is fine. Roommate: Did you eat those spicy chicken nuggets from Wendy’s again? Me: They’re just so damn good.

me: i had a dream that a grave digger said “i dig graves” then a pall-bearer said “hold my bier” . that’s pretty funny, right ? i should post that my gynecologist: what

If at first you don't succeed, try management..

Her (not Catholic): what does communion bread taste like? Me (ex catholic, likely hell-bound): definitely not sweet, more saviour-y

I love when doctors say "avoid stress" like I can just unsubscribe from economy and become a decorative gargoyle

the hoa group chat is on fire after someone’s kid told them that someone else’s kid is going to start going around farting on other people’s mailboxes

People think I'm friendly when I walk the dogs but I'm just swatting away the gnats

There are three things to know in this life. 1) What you need 2) How to get it 3) Where Bigfoot took your Hyundai

You become an adult the day you realize you've been misusing a slang word

All I had was two pieces of pizza and three beers. Why tummy fat?

Four Seasons of the Midwest: Polar Vortex Tornado Time Heat Dome Wildfire Fallout

In Jamaica they call it cinnamonmon

There’s a very specific deadness behind Little Debbie’s eyes

They should have IMAX screenings of the Wikipedia page for Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey for people who are too busy to watch a 3 hour movie

workin on my couch potato body

I got a antique watch from my grandad on his deathbed, mind you he put up one hell of a fight for it..

Using the lessons learned from Covid on the Diarrheaticus Buttiticus epidemic; I’m eating only masks and washing my hands every twenty seconds. Haven’t even looked at the spinach in the fridge.

I miss my nana. She always had chocolate chip cookies in her breadbox and would pour me a glass of milk in a plastic cup then sit in her favorite chair, light a Chesterfield, and tell me how Ted Williams gave her such a lady boner

ME: It's a Superman movie where he comes to earth during prehistoric times PRODUCER: Keep talking ME: called Jurassic Clark HIM: Get out

soon i’ll be an empty nester — my kids are all still home but i’m going to go live in a tree

🎶 Being without you takes a lot of getting used to, should learn to live with it, but I don't want to... 🎶 ~ me, whisper-singing to the empty bottle of Diet Coke.

washing down my diarrhea lettuce salad with a tall refreshing glass of Panera murder lemonade

"The search goes on through Gotham's lettuce nightmare"

Big government is telling you not to eat the diarrhea lettuce. It's about control

how sick would it be if corn was good for you. like. total slam dunk right there

Soccer has a rarely used purple card when the ref just wants to watch one player from each team kiss

is it don’t sleep on your side, it’s don’t sleep on your side isn’t it

i say we take off and nuke the lettuce from orbit. it’s the only way to be sure.

Rushing to Judgment: A Novel

was reminded of the time I got into an argument with a stranger on facebook about daylight saving time whose sole position was that we should just constantly adjust working hours to whenever the sun goes up and down and when I looked at his profile it said his job was “MANAGER at PUSSY EATING”

Guess I'll just go ahead and change the date on today's to-do list

Extreme heat warning in my pants

Topless book club 🍷

Please don’t patronize me. It’ll just piss me off and make an ass out of you and me.

BREAKING: NYC Mayor Mamdani signs new law that says you don't have to go to work if your pet is asleep on you or just being extra cute.

Why did they call them Robot Butlers and not Artificial Intelli-Gents

“Fuck this, I quit.” “Wait Stan, you can’t just-“ “Later, losers!”

“Do you make the same face when you eat something delicious and when you have an orgasm?” is not an appropriate business meeting ice breaker and I know that now.

Tell me you have never been to a corn cob fight without telling me you’ve never been to a corn cob fight.

thinking of trading in my smartphone for a brick

I'll poop on my own vegetables thank you very much.

I bet college students at the University of Kentucky who do a study abroad semester in the United Kingdom have some funny misunderstandings.

taco bell has never in my life made me even remotely sick. i will eat taco bell forever

It’s not that I don’t care anymore; it’s just that if the sun explodes tomorrow I have enough snacks to last me.

Had a guy knock on my door yesterday to demonstrate a vacuum cleaner, Je-hoovers witness I think.

Every girl crazy about a cheese eatin man

Show me in the law where it says they can't appoint a dog to take his seat.