If you can't think outside the box, at least step outside to pee.

Just bought $39 worth of food/supplies because I agreed to bring an appetizer to a cookout.

Hence the expression "This is the greatest thing since sliced leopard"

Like a surgeon massaging a heart in an emergency, I squeeze the box wine bag to get the last glass of rosé for breakfast. Look, I did what I had to.

I’m getting sexier by the minute, it’s going to be about 15 years to look like a normal person

Me, averaging 4 likes per post

This is my good morning post, not to be confused with my post nap post, the difference being the soundtrack to this post is the sound of sizzling bacon.

There is an MC Hammer but no MC Screwdriver. How do we get anything done?

You know who else's slit is 350 ft long?

My jokes are a steady stream of comedy gold, a golden shower if you will.

Who called it a centrifuge instead of The Whirled Cup?

Can’t wait for the guys to see my new rock climbing outfit.

"We saw you from across the bar and you're now in our sex video"

Universe: just in case losing your job wasn't exciting enough, here's a dental emergency to spice things up

I only need "fired for cause" to complete my set of lifetime job exits.

The 4 horsemen of the apocolypse: the influencer, the streamer, the trillionaire, and ai

Norway ⚽️ players should just point finger guns at the French players, they’d surrender.

(ross, if he was a web developer) we were on a <br>

"That's the spirit!" I exclaim as I point at the ghost in the police lineup.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, let's see what kind of life my financial adviser expects it to be.

Why did they call them famous brand ambassadors and not 'sellebrities'

All my dishes are served cold because I'm on a strict revengetarian diet.

I am watching USA vs Turkey on Telemundo so I can't understand the insufferable announcing.

Me: I don’t have to justify myself to you. There’s only one person I have to justify myself to. Them: Yourse– Me: My parole officer.

Soundtracks by Sting

intelligence is knowing that 'cunnilingus' rhymes with 'russian linguist' wisdom is knowing that you can only use it in a love poem like twice tops

if one asks for advice and gets given advice then chooses to ignore the advice they were given the adviser is then entitled to ignore the advisee when they complain about the outcome of ignoring said advice i do not make the rules and will not be taking questions this interview is over

Fired up LinkedIn for the first time in years and immediately noticed 2 connections to people who have been deceased for years. Ugh.

Time to check my lottery tickets …and back to work I go.

I replaced my morning coffee with green tea and since then it’s remarkable how much I’ve lost my will to live.

time travel via music can simultaneously heal and break your heart

Hold me closer, necromancer.

Me: I would like to have dreams about my ex less Genie (cracking knuckles): So you want to have dreams about your ex, Les? Me: Goddamn it

Anyone know how to buy some years back? Do you have to buy them singly or can you buy them in a package. I need to buy 15-20 years . . . more if they're not too expensive.

I don’t want my kids to grow up watching me drink booze anymore, so looks like big changes are coming. I’m gonna miss those kids 👋

You should always agree to a quick 30-min drink with your best friend because that 1.5 hours can be the best 6 hours of your life.

Kit Fisto from Star Wars has a rather special relationship with the car from Knight Rider

Celebrated the fact that they stocked the portapotties at work with toilet paper for the first time in a week and I never imagined I would be living this sad of a life.

Bought a SAD lamp, but it’s worthless. Its tears shorted the wiring.

I worked as a bank teller for one day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

After years of making up my own words, I now have quite a large fauxcabulary ...and send

I can't believe I used to think that people my age were adults.

Why aren't airplanes made to stop at those flashing red lights?

I’m all out of air by Love Supply

Made an appointment to have the last vestiges of my dignity removed.

The Detroit Tigers have a player named Outman, which is perfect for baseball and pride month.

Anybody willing to endorse me on LinkedIn for Expert Playlist Curation?

Bobcat is short for Robertcatherine

I slept 12 hours last night and took a 2 hour nap today. Putting the fun in funemployment.

jesus haunting judas horror movie called I Know What You Did Last Supper