A tribute band combining 70s bouncy pop and 80s hard rock, ABBAtite for Destruction.

When you are at a hotel in an unfamiliar city, consult the concierge for where to go during the day and the unconcierge for what to dream about at night.

The TV show "24" refers to the number of hours in a day, as well as the number of tropes per episode and the combined IQ of the nominal "good guys".

There’s not enough rap songs about doing your homework on Friday and having the rest of the weekend free

…uck? ya, i guess idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

I frequently get Tommy Tuberville and Tommy Tutone confused. Both are known for being one hit wonders, one for music and the other for racism.

If paying someone money for sex is prostitution, then paying someone money for a nonsexual nap should be called restitution.

I'm known as someone with raper wit and loser focus who lost her reading glasses.

Why do they call it falawful when it is actually quite tasty?

The Star Wars movies never revealed Yoda’s last name It’s ‘Layheehoo’

Terrifying if literal: a headbutt

Google Password Manager: Do you want me to save the password for this website? Me: Yes please. GPM: I'm on it. Sometime later..... Me: *logging back into the website* GPM: What fucking password? Don't look at me.

On this date in 1983, Air Supply revolutionized quantum physics by making love out of nothing at all.

If a jellyfish stings my face, just let me writhe in pain. DO NOT PISS ON MY FACE. This is important.

The real question isn't whether AI can do my job, the real question is whether jackass management THINKS AI can do my job.

Whenever I see Timotheé I think divorceé like that is someone who has been Timotheed

She was frightful yet sexy, like a spaghetti mummy

Jeffrey Dahmer: I am missing an important piece of male Neighbor: did you contact the post office? Dahmer: why would they have him?

My knees are too bad to spring forward. I’ll get there when I get there.

So we done talking about Curling 🥌 for the next 3 years and 11 months?

My parents had high expectations for me until the fourth grade, but then reality set in

Vent my spleen? No thank you Hannibal, you just keep on walking.

Told my wife I want to do some dirty dancing on her pelvic floor and she's not even swooning

Who called it a leisurely day in the countryside instead of a rustic loaf?

I love the smell of bacon in the morning . . . and in the afternoon . . . and in the evening . . . and at midnight . . .

Not sure what part of my job I like more, people demanding answers that I don't have or people demanding outcomes I have no control over.

“Zero Day Vulnerability” that sounds much better than my every day vulnerabilities

“it’s international women’s day & i have to make breakfast for you?” i say to me, an international women’s. “this is bullshit,” i reply to me , an international women’s . did I mention im an international women’s ? ya, it me, international w

A ten episode TV drama about Jesus is about to drop, proving that the Lord works in miniseries ways.

Jokes you don’t get are just metaphors. Nod wisely and go on with your day.

I like how one of christians evidence of biblical accuracy is that there are places we know of today that are mentioned in the bible That’s like saying Harry Potter is real because it mentions London - A REAL PLACE!

Any meal is a square meal as long as it comes with four sides.

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

Had a jarring wake-up call today (stepped on the scale after vacation)

You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?

classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”

Like they say, the wieners write the history books

Italy's equivalent of arm candy is elbow macaroni.

I assume a whole fucking lot of neutrons

... of douchebaggery

Currently maintaining an optical illusion that I'm sitting at my desk at work when in fact I'm at home with Floyd and all I used was a sack of potatoes, two mirrors and a paper clip.

Autocorrect changed panic attack to picnic attack, and now i'm imagining surprise potato salad, sandwiches, and deviled eggs.

Sitting on an all-inclusive Caribbean beach with an 88 year old family member talking about what we want to eat and he says "soup". Hashtag FacePalmTree

Me at confession: I committed all 7 deadly sins in one afternoon. Priest: Tell me more Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I made love to his wife and drank all his booze without sharing. Priest: You forgot pride Me: oh I’m pretty damn proud of it

Panic! in the panic room. fully expected

Spammin' Me to the tune of Jammin' Me by Tom Petty

I am outta here

I am paying someone to have sex in my home. No, its not prostitution, get your mind out of the gutter. My son and his girlfriend are dog sitting for a few days.

Leave for vacation tomorrow, next Monday I will deal with the messes I am leaving behind at work.

I live somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.