I don’t drink alcohol. I drink spirits. So I’m not being an alcoholic, I’m being spiritual.

However they were unable to locate his career, which has been missing for years

Don't ask me to rate your app while it's pissing me off. That's an automatic fail even if I like it. You get one star. I'd give you less if I could.

...pository

Beer bottle: “Breaking me is one year of bad luck” Mirror: “Hah! Breaking me is 7 years of bad luck” Condom: “Pfffttt!! Hold my beer”

This post was formatted to fit your screen & edited for language, nudity, & graphic violence.

and you may ask yourself “well, how did I get here?” and you may say to yourself “my god, what have I done?"

I once shot a man for criticizing my text alignment. It was justified.

On this day in 2026: I begrudgingly went to work

Why's it called a crack in the fuselage and not an airline fracture?

The best sponge I have ever used!! - a wringing endorsement

People who say to me, "forget everything I said," don't realize that I probably wasn't listening anyway.

all the adventuring i did in Diablo 1-3 was pointless, he just keeps coming back??

If love is a drug then I'm 12 years clean.

There's no chance my past can ever catch up with me. It's as slow, bloated and out of shape as I am.

Yup, I know he is awful, but I don't need any more memes, thanks.

Eating spring rolls in the winter, because none of the traditional rules apply any more.

If you dont know you are paying for three Door Dash subscriptions, you don't need an app, you need a court appointed guardian.

a premature ejaculator’s great great great great great grandfather who fought in the American revolution was also known as a minuteman *annnnnnnnd, send 👻*

Pining for my dead Christmas tree.

The pill I use every hour to control my appetite requires me to take it with food.

Glad you liked my recommendation, but I wish you weren't so surprised that it was good.

It's time to ice the kicker! - Jeffrey Dahmer, football coach

Just went thru and deleted 5 years of personal email, that was a fun trip down memory lane of horrible customer service experiences and worse exes.

Democracy is burning down but it's a cold, cold, fire this month

experiencing the major British food groups on our travels this week: -chips -mash -pudding -pie -toast -beans

She likes her men like she likes her tea... Oooo... Long!

Just found an entire mini world in my replies.

I've had a Mellencamp song stuck in my head for days. Oh well. Life goes on

I went skiing and the accommodations were so bad I had to lodge a lodge complaint.

When my mom went into labor with me, she texted my dad. She told him she's using this thing the size of a graham cracker to type messages into and could even watch TV on it. Dad never got the message because it was in 1973.

My smart wool socks are probably wondering why I'm dumb enough to live where the real feel is -43

Customer service has gotten so bad that the best recent experience that didnt completely suck was a visit to the mfing DMV.

pronouncing vinyl like final

Tupperware is great for when you want to throw your food out on a different day . . .

Even the dog who loves to rub his schlong in the snow thinks it's too cold out today.

You can just say you just finished a workout it doesn't need to be true

Stop mansplaining The Silence of the Lambs to me, I dont need a Hannibal lecture.

I was queued up to buy tickets for Cats, at the litter box office. The person behind me asks if this is "will call", I say "No, this is the fee line". When I finally get to the front of the line, they tell me the computer isn't working and show me a dead mouse.

Just once it would be nice to be told to fu*k on

I liked it better when the New England Patriots sucked.

Maybe it’s pass interference? Maybe it’s Maybelline?

A good way to get the cat hair out of your bed is to go to bed with caster oil on your face

If you predicted Sam Darnold and (checks notes) Jarrett Stidham as starting qbs in the conference championship round, please send me lottery numbers.

Dontcha hate when you buy a 6-pack of a New beer and the first sip tastes like Himalayan donkey ball sweat

Saw a guy coming out of Total Wine (massive store with diverse wine, liquor and craft beer selection) with a 12 pack of Miller Lite.

Isn't it a bit of a red flag if someone claims to be from a gas giant planet??

I can pull off most hats. But it makes their owners very angry.

Guys, my buddy just told me that we’re all going to die one day. Like everyone. Have you heard anything about this? That can’t be true right?

Liberty Mutual sounds more like a swingers club than an insurance company.