Putting the worst people in charge of the most important stuff is somehow not working out well 🤷‍♂️

Cinco de mayo because its mostly for creamy white people

I don't like the person I see reflected in my resume.

Sometimes I read something really terrible but I post it anyway.

Bored. Need something to do at work …other than work.

The hardest part about floor exercises is getting up after

Star wars? you mean like Beyoncé vs Taylor? no. like Ja- Rule vs 50 cent? -bba the Hutt. Or Prince- vs Michael Jackson? -ss Leia. Or R2D2- Pac vs

The Pistons in 7 very ugly games.

My dad turns 80 this year and my oldest son turns 30. Its getting harder and harder to pretend I am in my 40s.

they should make free & local open source software that cleans your teeth (FLOSS)

Lou Gramm of Foreigner turns 76 Saturday. Given his age, Lou lives close by to an Urgent Urgent Emergency care facility.

Bob Evans should use hay bales for chairs so it feels n smells extra farmy

RIP Spirit, no frills, but you always got me there on time

Funny how you can take two sensual, suggestive words like “spread” and “sheets,” merge them, and still end up with something spectacularly unsexy.

Who called it a werewolf and not a nighthowl.

As a US citizen I am entitled to my day in court where I can accuse my identical twin of the crime. This is known as dupe process.

8647 is the number of lies he told yesterday.

how to eat m&m’s: a blue one is first, cuz they are the worst orange is next [there is no context] brown is the third, you m&m nerd yellow is four, your mom is a whore green’s number five, so keep hope alive and red is the last. the dye (#2) has been cast

I’m thinking of this track and this energy today youtu.be/Pswvi3QN_tI?...

A group of coworkers talking near your desk is called a “Scram”

Guess I should stop telling Dad jokes soon since my kids are almost fully groan

(bleeding out) damn this cheddar is sharp

Atlanta Hawks with an epic bed shitting

Flo from Progressive should change her name now that she is post-menopausal.

My pounding headache today is completely disproportional to the amount of drinking I did last night.

Flavor Flav is short for Flavorful Riboflavin

Reading between the lines on today's headlines: We are completely fucked

At my age getting your "kink on" only means I slept in an awkward position.

if you have fingers, you, too, can make a haiku you’ll need seventeen

Nice

x marks the spot but for all the places i've put random shit thinking i wouldn't forget where i put that random shit but i absolutely did forget and my brain cannot be trusted write that shit down already

If you get convicted after being arrested by the grammar police, you'll never be eligible for parole. You'll have to fully complete your sentence.

tbh, the problem is that it's me that lives rent-free in my head.

The only thing social media has taught me is that many people are undiagnosed.

I hate it when I’m sitting here quietly scrolling through my phone and people have the audacity to come up and ask me to do my job instead.

I’m not asking to win ALL of the Powerball lottery jackpots. Just 1. I’m not greedy.

Caprese salad is the best way to eat an entire block of mozzarella and still call it a salad

they call kim jong un’s mother mah jong it’s 3:48am hello insomnia you stupid motherf

I keep my rainy day fund and my slush fund in a snow bank.

If I don't adopt AI, my job is in jeopardy. If I DO adopt AI, my job is in jeopardy. What is a no-win situation, Alex?

A chef’s assistant who causes his customers to become sick with food poisoning, resulting in multiple civil cases against the restaurant, is called a sue chef.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I'm on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Me: I think that if I unsubscribe I should stop getting the emails. My boss: This is your work account.

I'm tempted to make a joke about the movie "The Sheep Detectives" but I refewes.

Lets see if that 2 hour nap affects my ability to fall asleep tonighzzzzzzzz

I was at Costco and a big package of toilet paper fell on me. I’m ok, just some soft tissue damage.

"How do you like them scalpels" - Surgeons in Boston, probably

Feel extra salty towards work so the upcoming employee survey is going to reflect that

This morning I got in touch with my inner self. That’s the last time I buy the cheap toilet paper.

Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully to the following 27 options, none of which will be even remotely related to the reason for your call.