My phone is giving me articles about "AI slop" at work. There has been slop at work long before there was AI. Maybe the slop gets churned out faster but it's certainly nothing new.

The lifelong night terrors are why I have never touched hallucinogens, I shudder to think what horrors my subconscious mind would conjure up.

Pretty sure if I had a BBQ place, I’d be unable to resist putting up a ‘RIBS, FOR HER PLEASURE’ sign.

It's a cruel joke that the refuge and comfort of sleep is where the nightmares lurk.

My favorite part of Mondays are when they end.

Little Debbie is still a child and if Kirsten Dunst has taught me anything, that means vampire

There is pandering and then there is over the top Ram truck commercial level of pandering.

They said if you love coriander leaves so much, then why don't you marry them? So now we are cilantrothed.

Good to know that I’m still capable of the highest levels of being delusional since my first response to the news about the Nicole Kidman breakup is that now I have a chance.

I brought in garden tomatoes because you said your wife liked to make salsa and then you don’t stop by my office to pick them up after I message you is why I don’t bother making male friends at my age Keith.

Sean Connery's advice to his Bond successor: You need to smile, Moore

He wears his heart on his sleeve

Well I heard there was a sacred case that melted lots of Nazi face but you dont care for Spielberg do ya? 🎶

A hemorrhoid flare-up can make you feel like your hole world is on fire

If you're holding a super tiny clip-on mic like a regular mic, I don't need financial advice from you, because you're clearly an idiot

This week on Deface the Nation, a representative of the Vandals, a Germanic people that ravaged Gaul, Spain, and North Africa in the 4th–5th centuries and sacked Rome in AD 455.

Water: I am the source of all life Also Water: I WILL RUIN YOUR HOUSE

When young inexperienced skunks grow up, they become odor and wiser.

Your religion of peace shouldn't make you so angry

If I recall correctly, Monday comes from Old English (𝘮ō𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘩-𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘥æ𝘨) meaning monthslong day

... I was never the smartest baseball player. before one game I mixed up the tubes of eye black and Chapstick. I looked like a goth catcher but at least the area under my eyes was very kissable ...

Imagine being alive for 500 years as a tree only to be cut down so 1000 hairless apes can wipe their ass with you.

A bird in the hand is a distant memory.

I want to apologize for not making a we deserve “better than Ezra” joke after Ezra Klein’s last NYT opinion piece. 🙏

I think there needs to be a National Vampire Day where we can all pause and take a quiet moment of somber non-reflection.

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

They started playing country music over here. I put in my two week notice.

Sometimes it's fun to wake up for an hour in the middle of the night, and just let the anxiety, doubt, and regret cavort unfettered from the distractions the day brings.

I hope you're not on your pogo stick if the earth ever has to tap on its brakes.

What qualities do you look for in a dentist? 🔘 many loose teeth—all sorts—all over the place 🔘 lots of objects that don’t seem like they should squirt water, but do 🔘 makes drill noises at random 🔘 hands always just slathered in toothpaste

Monday

I woke up with a swollen eye and I'm blaming all the ugly things I read online

David Cronenberg: I need the rights to this for Crash 2!

Why aren't we calling these soy bean farmers that we're now going to have to bail out, "Soyboys?"

Me: Alexa, fix me. Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.

Nettie Pots: Feed a cold, starve the flu and waterboard allergies.

Just put my phone in the medicine cabinet and left my deodorant on the kitchen counter, if you're curious about how my day is going. |sent by my Dove Active Antiperspirant|

There was a lot of steamy action in my bedroom this weekend, the house sitters seem quite pleased.

positive milk condo see i can make up nonsense too neutral milk hotel

I used to be able to swipe anything from a store, no matter how heavy it was. Now I'm at the age where I have to remember to shoplift with my legs.

Went to the first wedding I have been to since my divorce, and have been a maudlin puddle of introspective goo for the last 24 hours.

Holy crap how many months ago did Jerry Jones die?

The kids are making dinner tonight and I’m grateful but I’m also starving and they need to hurry the eff up

I threw the printer out of the window as part of its machine learning trajectory but tell that to HR

Opening my Shakespeare themed restaurant tonight - The Taming of the Stew.

i before e except nobody cares any more.

Fitness center motivational poster: Grunt work makes the hunk work

"I'm here to get my dog spayed, and while you're at it, could you take a look at my tennis elbow?"

You're telling me a chicken noodled this soup?

Spending the day as an NPC in a huge wedding, but I think I just got a glimpse of a side quest.