the impact of subtitles: 1) actors can mumble their lines with impunity 2) my ears get dumber 3) I compensate by wearing eyeglasses that make me look smart

The wind is picking up... your mother... for blowing lessons...

It was on this day in 2001 that my wife and I did background checks on each other so we're celebrating our 25th vetting anniversary.

Posting makes me feel like I'm talking to the wall, and sometimes the wall answers back.

A budget airline is now providing passengers in-flight therapists. However, there's a fee for carry-on emotional baggage.

Just remembered I bought discounted cupcakes at the store today, so my evening is looking up.

Therapist: Wow! You're so competitive, I've never seen anything like this!! Me: So what you're saying is I'm the best......

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”? Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

I'm not bored I'm just busy doing nothing . . . so busy in fact that it has made me tired and I'm going to take a nap now.

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

my burp is worse than my bite

I feel like I really made the grade (slightly above average) and now the papers want to know whose shirts I wear (Costco). - Me as Major Tom

Whoever came up with the term "trumped-up charges" was remarkably prescient.

"You need to let your hair down!" I did. The problem is, it never came back.

Always keep a ripe avocado in one pocket and a lime in the other because you'll never know when you'll be feeling salty enough to whip up some pocket guacamole to go with the chip on your shoulder

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line* *remote starting the minivan

Sometimes people are ignorant for their own convenience.

After Cop Rock, he was known as Steven Botchco

My New Year's resolution is to give up gambling. I bet I can do it.

Jackass cw using AI to summarize a meeting and asking everyone else to verify the accuracy, how about don't use crappy tools and verify your own damn self

David Bowie dating profile Bio Planet Earth is blue And there's nothing I can do Username Ziggy Stardust Location Suffragette City/Goblin City I am a Starman Seeking Rebel, rebel Job Researching if there is life on Mars First Date Idea Let's Dance

It must be an extremely cruel twist of fate and irony when you’re an asexual named Randy.

ME: picture yourself in a boat on a river With tangerine trees and marmalade skies INTERVIEWER: when I asked where you see yourself in 5 years, I meant career-wise ME: somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly A girl with kaleidoscope eyes INTERVIEWER: thanks for coming in, we’ll be in touch

The 21st century is a lot like the 19th, if you want to get anywhere, don your spurs and ride hard. Just now, its customer service reps, insurance agents, coworkers, etc.. instead of horses.

I like big butts and I cannot lie 🎶

My job of shaving sheep is shear tedium.

Mike Johnson IS a legislative tool

What did I learn on the first day of my New Year fitness program... I'm not very flexible, but I'm pretty good at farting doing sit-ups.

I'm not sure how a sickly guy becomes an oil baron if he's not a well man.

Me: Is this pile carpet in my new place? My dog: It is now.

They also make one for puppies called "son of a hitch"

I always use the yellow-skinned emojis, because I identify as a Simpsons character.

Jefferson Airplane crashed in the ocean, spilling band members everywhere, it left quite a Grace Slick on the water.

Eddy: How hard is it gonna be to find yet another singer? Alex: Extreme-ly hard Eddy and Alex together: Perfect!! Lets call Gary! -Van Halen circa 1996

This day in history. 1852. French educator Louis Braille died in Paris. I know he invented something but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I tried to make barley soup but didn't use enough water-- ended up with barely soup.

Don’t bother to read this, I need to look like I’m texting someone for a minute. Thanks for your forbearance.

To the CW who thought that adding a comment to a Jira ticket at 3:45 pm was going to cause me to take immediate action by the end of the day: lol

“save draft,” Putin says to himself, moving his tweet about military conscription to a folder labeled “fuuuuuuuck”

If the best you can manage today is to show up wearing normal pants, give yourself a little grace.

apologies, i misheard “annul,” your honor

They had to do multiple takes of the cocaine scenes in "Scarface" because Pacino kept blowing his lines.

Me: “Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink?” Plumber: “I’m at your disposal”

It’s very rude to interrupt me when I’m procrastinating.

18 hours into the first season of 24, and I am not sure which is higher, the body count or the hack cliche trope count. (No spoilers please)

Isaac Newton discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head, and then he squeezed it and invented Juice Newton.

If Cruella Deville was a doctor, do you think she'd have made a lab coat?

Claude's heart was never in the art game because he was all about that Monet.

You can only enjoy a wolf moon if you are a night howl.