I haven’t been the same since I walked in on my parents having sex. Mom thought it was pretty amazing that I could walk while having sex, though.

"Toto, I don't think we're in a democracy anymore."

*me watching you while you sleep* “You’re doing it wrong”

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Put me in a room with someone and I'm like..quiet with the breathing.

In the USA, typos are the least prevalent cause of Electile Dysfunction

Let's go suffer now Everybody's learning how Come on a safari with me

"we offer our soldiers socialism so that they go overseas and defend capitalism" 🔥🔥🔥

Democratic candidates in swing Senate races should come out and say they will not vote for Schumer to be majority leader under any circumstances. It will help with both the Democratic base and Independent voters.

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

I had the foresight to become hopeless long before now so if you want some advice from someone with experience, you're not hopeless yet.

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star Please explode and put an end to this madness🎶

USA Today shut down as there will be no USA Tomorrow.

your honor, what's the wifi

Maybe we're all charging our phones against their will. Maybe they want to die.

“Momma, who do you love most: me, Mary Jo, or Peggy Sue?” “I love all my children equally, Trash Goblin.”

"Diagnosis is inaccessible and expensive...Autistic adults are more likely to have chronic illness and mental health conditions...Suicide is one of the leading causes of premature death in people with autism. Questioning diagnosis denies the data and the difficulties that autistic people live with."

FYI: The collective noun is "a larceny of Republicans".

Radicalizing the youth by telling them about chillaxing

Philosophy 101 exam Nietzsche "That which does not kill me makes me a) stronger." b) suspicious." c) try again." d) ask for my money back." Descartes "I think therefore a) I am." b) I procrastinate." c) nobody likes me." d) I need professional help."

I need a poolboy for moisturizing my double chin

I would never be dumb enough to call in a bomb threat. I just call sounding distraught, saying that I can't find my bomb and asking to be transferred to the Lost & Found.

When working as the world's first tea sommelier in NYC, I was asked to provide tea service at a fundraiser for the Dalai Lama. Upon seeing my menu of the world's finest teas, one of his assistants suggested we should boycott tea from China for political reasons. My concern was quality. 1/2

theyre saying its the most beautiful blood anyone has coughed up

Ruin a movie by making it about Gary. Gary Poppins

I can't be saved. I'm already spent.

i'm using self-hypnosis to make myself think i'm not.

RFK Jr is blaming SSRI antidepressants for school shootings. Yet scientific studies show that SSRIs improve survival rates from school lunches.

Today is National Take Your Laundry To Work Day.

Monsters look exactly like people.

I put my pants on the same way as everyone else: only when absolutely necessary

Can't even build death star anymore, because of ewok

in my list of priorities, composing the list ranks last.

In yet another affront to Washington DC, President Trump has ordered that I be removed from a Smithsonian exhibit where I've been hiding.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent

"yikes" is short for "Yichael's", the forbidden craft store that sells the yarn used by the Moirai to weave the tapestry of fate

Ruin a movie: The Terminator and Maude

Trump is addressing rising inflation with administrative changes that, by the end of the year, are expected to lead to a steep decline in statistics.

my inner child didn't make it home last night

I'm doing nothing like my life depends on it.

"I'll have what she's having," I say pointing to the corpse.

A wasp’s nest is just a goth piñata

I launched into space a chimp but I returned a MAN.

If you believe you've fallen madly in love with someone, don't wait, throw yourself off a cliff right now.

We can do this the easy way, the hard way, or possibly a third way. I hate doing things. Never mind

i'm tired of being too stupid to do things for myself. can't someone invent something to be stupid for me?

So high I turned up the brightness on the TV to taste the subtitles.