I am old enough to remember when the last rapture didn’t work out either.

Rapture my balls.

now is the autumnal equinox of our discontent

the voice of the people brought back Jimmy Kimmel. NOT DISNEY. remember that

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

Balls deep is the only unit of measurement I know

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

Edging, but it's just me trying to get up off the couch without injuring myself.

Some people don't have red flags. They use sticks and stones.

If you take health advice from a serial philandering mummified ham who likes to swim in shit, then you will rapture yourself ❤️

The times, they are astupid.

if you have a Christian family you’ve been wanting to wordlessly abandon tomorrow would be a great day to do it

Ah, fall, when a young man’s fancy turns to soup.

as a parent you just wanna protect your kids from the things that traumatized you

The fact of the matter is dust.

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

you might not be able to look into somebody's soul butthole don't lie

sure hope they're right about the rapture being on tuesday because I could really use some peace and quiet

rupture me into oblivion

It’s all been downhill since we lost Alex Trebek

rapture my bunghole

Are they flirting with me or just being nice: a chronicle

fuck ascension i be descending into abyss

🎶When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember we're all going to die, And then I don't feel so bad

just heard someone call stephen miller peewee german

Oh yeah? Rapture this! *points to my butt

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

You can steep your teabag in my hot water if you wanna

Your yogurt to granola ratio is seriously damaging this relationship

Is this wallowing hole taken?

My eye doctor said I was as blind as a bat so my transformation to vampire is imminent

The Disney adults are doing better than the Democratic Party at fighting back.

It's not that I don't care, it's that everyone else does and that's plenty.

I'm having surgery on Tuesday and I'm thinking it might be inconvenient if some of the medical team gets raptured mid procedure.

sitting in the parking lot of life

My mom banged a lot of Italian dudes so yeah I make a mean tomato sauce.

DJ: "MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!" *Groans* *Sobs* *sighs* *a solitary gunshot*

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. That way, I can get up bright and early to start hating on everything first thing in the morning

Gonna attempt to fuck as much as possible on Tuesday so when the rapture comes, so will I.

sexting in the time of cholera

Can I stroke your ego? *spits in palm

As a matter of fact I do enjoy a good fur pie every now and then. Hirsutes me just fine.

So tired of this fucked up world we live in. Nothing but a daily horror show slowly chipping away at all of us.

I’m gonna start a cooking show where I make recipes I’ve never tried. I’m gonna call it 30 Minutes My Ass.

Trump and Vance's claim that leftists are more prone to political violence than rightists is not upheld by any study so far. CNN gave the results: Cato Inst. Sept. 11 2002: 391 vs. 65. Last 5 yrs: 44 vs 18. DOJ's NIJ: since 1990, 420 vs 78, thus rightists 6 times more likely to commit violence.

90% off all sins through Tuesday, everything must go.

No. I absolutely will not tolerate Charlie Kirk memorial clips on my timeline on sportsball day. The only thing I want to hear about that shitfuck today is that they opened the coffin and shot him again.