Every friend group needs one person whose dating life reassures everyone else that being single was the right call, or that maybe their marriage is actually doing just fine. I’m that person.

Not Markwayne!

What else was I supposed to use? I left my switchblade in my other pair of jorts.

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

ICE has arrested and detained a Nashville journalist who reported stories critical of ICE. She’s married to a U.S. citizen and has been seeking asylum here after fleeing death threats in Colombia because of her journalism there. They’ve already sent her to Louisiana.

97% of public comments called Trump’s White House ballroom ‘gaudy,’ ‘vulgar,’ and ‘low class.’ The man demolished the East Wing to build a Mar-a-Lago annex and America sees it for what it is: a disgraceful gold-plated ego project. #USDemocracy #Pinks apple.news/AkR4m2rBtTSC...

Them: you have a sick sense of humor Me: it is pretty dope isn't it

I accidentally sent a wink emoji after telling a guy I'm sorry for the loss of his wife. Now I have to sleep with him.

My statement on Secretary Noem's firing:

It was a simpler time.

What is this sorcery?

I make up in my head how someone feels about me and believe it.

Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro

No one has asked me to make a diorama in years.

If all else fails, lean into your multiple personalities & take comfort in knowing they never left your side.

The White House without a pet is like America without democracy.

I see the government took the square peg out of the round hole and now they’re going to try jamming a triangle in there.

*turns on the news* *turns off the news*

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

Used a meat thermometer to check my temperature. I think I hit a lung.

I had once hoped for a peaceful, equitable world. I now hope people use their turn signals once in a while.

2/The outlet explained that the letter was addressed to the executive director of the legal watchdog group Campaign for Accountability, which filed professional misconduct complaints against Halligan to both the Florida and Virginia bar associations in November.

Former federal prosecutor and beauty pageant contestant Lindsey Halligan is under investigation in Florida, The New York Times reported on Thursday, citing a letter sent by the state’s bar association./1

Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?

Trump is just pissed off he didn’t get a kickback on that $200 million contract Noem gave her friends. She was a Capo who got whacked because she didn’t kick up to the boss.

Quick question does anyone know how to restore virtue to a decaying society

Someone DM’d me and said I luv you Kim and deleted their account, I’m assume to focus their energy on spelling, now I’m left to mourn what could have been (making them regret contacting me).

“What the fuck ever” means “you’re right but I don’t want to say that out loud”.

The reason we have “stupid rules of engagement” is to make sure we don’t bomb elementary schools.

That is all for now.

Also WE WILL NOT "WIN" A WAR WITH ANYONE. WE WILL MURDER HUMANS EN MASSE AND THEN FORCE THE LIVING INTO POVERTY & HUNGER. ISRAEL DOESN'T GAF.

DO NOT FUCK AROUND AND MAKE ME BUY SOME SHAQS, MICHAEL

SCOTTIE PIPPEN WAS RIGHT THIS WHOLE TIME

MICHAEL JORDAN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPERMAN WHAT THE FUCK

The concentration camps will not only be for immigrants, documented or otherwise. They already aren't. They won't only be for brown and Black people. The targets will keep expanding. It will not end. The only way it will is if we stop it. Both in and out of the system. There is no other way.

Lol im going to be playing my nintendo wii forever.

My ex fiance decided to call me today while I'm on vacation in Mexico just to introduce me to his new fuckstick. Happy Saturday to them. It's been 3 months since it ended. Lose my number asshole.

I'm a bit tipsy. I'm also in Punta Mita. My Spanish is pretty gutter but my hips don't lie.

So. A man I have loved before Ran into me the other day. He said hey, I'm married but It's good to see you. I said congratulations and Went on my way. Found out today that he Got a divorce because apparently It was really, really good to see me.

Just pointing out That I TOLD YOU FUCKNUTS Trump would try to use the halftime show To distract us from the ONE MILLION TIMES he's mentioned In the Epstein files. Also, Trump is trying to divert attention from himself, so we already know it's much worse than they're telling us. Xo

i just wanna feel whatever cats do that has them making biscuits

I don't write much here because people prefer my retweets

I think I'm invisible. I see through my self.

This is monstrous!!!

Le Baron de Cadillac is feeling better But it s time to retreat in his Fortress to rest To embark on the ship of dreams and make of its sails wings of wild flight Dream furiously

[endless stream of nightmarish headlines scroll through my brain] when is season 3 of Silo coming out