I wish he'd suffer a stroke during a press conference and croak on live tv so his idiot horde of cultists can see their god die in real time.

her: I wonder how many times people have died in hot air balloons me: well, not more than once

We've become numb to this stuff, but a president accusing a journalist of treason -- a capital crime -- for reporting on an ongoing war is not normal, and we should never accept it as normal.

I really do think Trump misheard Talarico saying "cisgender" as "six genders," and that's just a thing he says now. The first person I saw make this observation deleted the post saying it, but yeah.

This day in history. 1986. In southern Alberta another middle-of-May blizzard closed down highways and knocked down power lines come to Alberta this season Alberta is bracing.

how would you like a more authentic pearl necklace

I’m just gonna pretend I’m okay until it’s really obvious I’m not. Then I'll start making up lame excuses. It's the American way.

1. build a time machine 2. set it for 1994 3. go to the Natural Wonders store in the mall 4. play with the rain sticks

I don't hate nick. Im just watching drumline. Ok maybe i kind of hate him.

Last one Nick Cannon has more turbans than talent

Nick Cannon would need a cannon to take down Eminem.

Nick Cannon used to own Radio Shack. He gave everyone free stuff and no one wanted it any more. Much like his social life.

Nick Cannon is, from what I hear, a nice guy. He prays before each episode of Wild 'n Out.

Nick Cannon dresses like Versace came back to life and puked on him

Nick Cannon has big feet because he's a huge dick

Nick Cannon raps like he prefers no condoms.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

As we all know

kids these days don’t even know how to joust

I don’t think California gets enough credit for how gross its politics are

More like Charlotte’s web of lies. where is my husband you hussy?! - Wilbur‘s estranged wife

If you don't text me back within 11 seconds i don't care any more

Every day is mother's day when you're an abusive narcissist. Ask my mom.

My psychiatrist just charged me a missed appointment fee because I had a heart attack as I walked into the office and didn't make it to my appointment because ambulances frown on that sort of thing. I'm not going to mention the murder of the gauze voodoo doll I made of him.

My fuckin parents picked a splendid time to leave on a 3 week trip to Europe.

"In the worst outcome," said another former Fed official, who also spoke to CNBC on condition of anonymity to speak candidly, "the Fed's balance sheet becomes an arm of foreign aid."

She chose a very demanding path in medicine and made history in it. Dr. Alexa Canady became the first Black woman neurosurgeon in the U.S., dedicating her career to treating complex brain conditions and co-developing a treatment for fluid buildup in the brain. A legacy that saves lives. #SheShed

Shut up. I'm perimenopausal, and I have my period. My brain gave up a while ago.

I saw a kitty outside by the mailboxes and have named it USPSpspspsps

Do you awake at early hours in the morning, like 2:30 or 3:00 am? Then stop doomscrolling at least 2 hours before you go to bed. Your body naturally starts nudging cortisol up again around 2-4 am —and if the baseline is already a bit elevated or “primed,” you wake more easily.

Dentist: have you been flossing? [flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip the night before] Me: religiously

*flicking a lit cigarette* im not like other Muppet babies

My parents are in Europe, and I needed some documents they have. I sent a quick message asking about it, and my narcissist mother responds, on his phone, and gives me instructions for her plants.

That was awful

I volunteered to be a Pony Express delivery person but my little pony needed glitter.

WATCH: @RepLuna calls for a vote to strip the pesticide corporations immunity provision from the farm bill… chair Mike Simpson (RH) claims the “the NO’s have it” when clearly the YAY votes were louder… Luna asks for a recorded vote… Simpson postpones it… Wildly corrupt stuff

“his exact nature has been disputed”

This is what happens when we aren't the world. Iykyk.

nobody told him he could have just pulled the fire alarm to avoid getting humiliated

HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT THE WHCD SHOOTER: • can’t aim for shit • that’s about it, really

Sending this to Russell Brand

Using a pregnant woman as a human shield AND copping a feel at the same time. This man is going to turbo hell

Uh-oh… 🌹 #CalvinandHobbes

I’ve always thought the death penalty should be conducted by Exsanguination. Draining the body of blood is painless, leads to unconsciousness, followed by a quiet death. Plus, nobody lives through it, there are no crazy chemicals involved, & any competent medical professional can do it properly.

I'd rather participate in character assassination.

If you buy 10 fake assassination attempts, the 11th one is free.

if Kash Patel even blinks once, he dies

There’s nothing scarier than an articulate person yelling at everyone

“I’m still punk,” I say as I refill my grocery list of prescriptions at CVS