*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

As long as I’m feeling, I’m creating.

anyone want to be friends with drawbacks

mouth to ear intelligent, and erotic conversations…

my kind of freak, someone who makes me laugh out of nowhere

What anybody thinks of me is none of my business.

If you think my posts are bad, you should see some of my life choices.

Missionary so you can see their lovely eyes roll back.

There's a tiny little kid running about and literally screaming at the top of its lungs and I just think it's bullshit that we're not allowed to kick them

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

If you listen carefully, you can hear hindsight laughing at you.

Sorry I let you down, but it’s my specialty.

I scream, you scream, we all scream cuz it’s all fucked. So very, very fucked.

I just walked up to a guy at work and said, “Hey Glen?” and he said, “It’s Glenn,” and I have no idea how he knows I missed the second, silent N.

You don’t have to understand the wiring to feel the current.

I like being a hidden gem.

Small circle, private life, clear mind, happy soul.

logging onto bsky dot app ama

“i’ll do whatever i want with MY butthole” is a crazy response to someone asking you not to fart on them

THEM: this isn’t the America I know NATIVE AMERICANS:

“time isn’t even real” i say as i decide to stop for a morning coffee and make myself late to work for the 5th time this week

Arlo is now the best dog ever and the best pillow ever. What a gift! Thank you to @benedictsred.bsky.social for all the thoughtfulness and support during difficult times. 🩷

Pretty eyes and a naughty mind.

The way we looked at each other was foreplay.

I will handle every situation but I may cry first.

Interviewer: great resumé apart from the typo. It says you have exceptional people skulls lol Me: *holding up two skulls by the eye sockets* meet Richard & Clive

sorry i yelled "goth ninjas" when we saw those nuns yesterday

taught my dog sarcasm and now she won't stop snarking at strangers

they say pride comes before a fall but a punch to the nards works just as well

The worst part about aging is that no one wants to hear about the incredible new music you just discovered anymore.

Thinking about opening one of those furniture stores that’s always going out of business.

Buffets are going out of business due to the unprecedented levels of stress eating

I'm not surprised not many people liked my fart joke, it was too intellectual for most people.

Welcome aboard Mr Dahmer, you're on the cannibowling team 🏆👑 Congratulations @sonictyrant.bsky.social from @stefanthinks.bsky.social

If Alpha-Bits cereal was made with numbers instead of letters I’d be crunching numbers each morning.

Why do we assume that some questions have answers and some don't, that's the invitation to silence. And if you RSVP but just kind of stare at where you are or are not going then we have settled it. No one is an ass of us.

If truth and beauty ask for a ride home tell them ideals are out of your way and then flaw it

It's okay to take this reality time to focus on what never came through and let it in because you know what they always say and it's curtains unless you rod up

do you think the goatse guy expected his picture to be viewed over one billion times or was that more of a stretch goal

Who called it “Going down a rabbit hole” when “Descending a harecase” would’ve been more poetic.

I'm so respectful that I'll ask for consent before punching you in the face.

“It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere,” I mumble, dousing myself in gasoline.

a grimace so perfect people confuse it for a smile

im such a pro i dont even need to cut onions to cry

When is Marvel gonna make a movie about a real superhero: my Uncle Hubert who used to crush aluminum cans in the middle of the night while weeping loudly and blasting Whitesnake

[open mic night] Mike: I guess my trust issues started when I was a child

from the archives: my acoustic cover of David Bowie’s Slip Away: youtu.be/28RN05F3HRU?...