Open the door - check Get on the floor - check Walk the dinosaur - fuck off

Is this wallowing hole taken?

Told my kid that the place where they train racehorses is called a gymneighsium and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

OMG! You're all doing it wrong! Here let me fuck it up

The police don’t like it when you give them a Stone Cold Stunner. I know this now.

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star Please explode and put an end to this madness🎶

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

museums are like “hey check out how obsessed ancient humans were with vases”

Fuck you. I'm hilarious,babycheeks. When I'm not saddened by every fucking thing..

this email could have been a message in a bottle floating out at sea

That’s not a knife! THIS is a knife! *pulls out a pink Motorola Razr

Hearing AI is 2 or 3 years from wiping out humanity put a little pep in my step this morning

Running errands and hitting the butcher shop after the dispensary could easily become a high stakes situation.

Looking for a walking machine (a machine that goes out and walks for me while I stay home and cry).

No AirPods today. Just me, raw-dogging reality like some commoner

"The only people I owe my loyalty to are those who never made me question theirs." ~ Unknown

i’m sleeping wrong can have you walking around in a neck brace the next day years old

apparently my socks never remember the buddy system whenever i wash them… any science on this?

as the basic bitch once said: i can’t even right now

my wife said you can’t fix depression with iced coffee & reckless optimism i said that’s all the fuck i do

When the instructions say to 'store in a cool, dark place', my first thought is 'oh, my heart'.

haven’t we been through purgatory long enough already

asked my 8 yr old what she wants from Santa this year. with no hesitation,"rip away pants"

Lucky for me, this isn’t a comedy account.

Remember when we used to say 'anal retentive' instead of OCD? Haha, good times. Anyway your fly's open

I'm more prepared for a zombie apocalypse than answering the door.

I'm not leaving my house without Hulk Hands ever again.

Just hanging out, spreading vitriol.

Wow those high level talks with Putin in Alaska a month ago really paid off.

28% of Americans believe it’s not butter

“i’m still punk” i whisper as i replace the insoles in my new vans w/ dr scholls

wilson phillips keeps telling me if i hold on for one more day things will go my way but it’s been years and i’m starting to feel like they’re lying

mamas, don’t let your shitposters grow up to be serious posters

will smith's 1997 smash hit "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" is actually about pennywise the clown

Making friendship bracelets for my cellmate

I bought you these bracelets…

All the voices in my head usually come up with a pretty good skeet.

For mental health reasons, the HHS recommends that your media diet should be 10% news and 90% shitposts.

Just need to inject a little hopium

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

Dream a little dream of getting hit by space junk.

imma half and half ass my way through life

I feel like i must have been bitten by a radioactive old man

Kash Patel is 7 possums in a trench coat.

The masses have been opiated

Some days I just like to go outside and pretend I'm a dandelion... today is one of those days...

There's a tiny little kid running about and literally screaming at the top of its lungs and I just think it's bullshit that we're not allowed to kick them

my ideal weight is my weight plus a hot person on top of me