You never have to defend politicians. You really do not. When you feel the urge bubbling up, drink water and keep it moving.

Happy May Day. They can’t kill us all.

The fact that there is literally a SpongeBob meme for everything feeling in human existence really speaks to how prolific the show is but also how absurdism really does have a marked place in society and how essential whimsy is to the passage of time.

It speaks volumes when people laugh about instead of being shocked about a presidential assassination "attempt."

Wearing a kilt and freeballing it would fix me

Marijuana should never have been a Schedule I narcotic in the first place. This timing, though: Trump is trying to claw back support he’s lost with young voters, especially young men.

Hoisting my own petard while rearranging my boobs in my bra.

The Cure makes me think of either old girlfriends or hair product. There is no in-between

back in my day it used to be called common sense. now it’s just called sense

Monday Mood

you gonna eat that chip on your shoulder

Who named him Kash Patel instead of J Edgar Heaver?

🤭🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😏 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 😁😆🤭🤡😹😎😋🙃 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😆

just as our founding fathers would have wanted

If size doesn’t matter why is small talk so insufferable?

Started my day off with a healthy dose of micro plastics.

Wow. That's harsh.

I'll take Midwest friendly over the South's version.

Voting on spy powers at 2am will definitely help with trust in the government!

Choose laughter over drama and communication over silence

Thanks for following, are you into sad?

CNN exposes a global “online rape academy” that teaches men how to drug and rape women without detection. Over 62 million men attended in February alone.

Pretending to be Jesus, ranting about windmills, gutter racism, mass murder, genocide, all fine. But talking about *teleportation*? Tell that guy to shut up before he gives Trump a bad reputation.

It's not that I think I'm better than the people I work with. I'm sure of it.

Yeah, that’s right.

Now 14 months in, Canada’s rejection of the U.S. is the most successful tourism boycott in memory.

My date last night was a "make best friends with the people at the next table and integrate them into our dinner experience" person and I hope she finds happiness with a like-minded person.

Yes, I feed a lot of squirrels and birds. Yes, they often leave messes. I sweep every day, often twice. And a couple times a week, I scrub the patio with hot water and vinegar. So no, Candace, it doesn’t “smell like wildlife” out there. I have the cleanest plot of dirt in Peachtree Corners.

MAGA, 2021: VAX CARDS ARE BIG GOVERNMENT OVERREACH MAGA, 2026: ITS PERFECTLY REASONABLE TO CARRY YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, GREEN CARD, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, AND HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA AT ALL TIMES, OR YOU AIN'T A CITIZEN

This young life ended because of a gun. Please consider helping the family left behind.

I've never been to the funeral of a child before, I hope I never have to do it again.

So it turns out paying people a living wage doesn’t collapse the economy; it’s almost like the rich have been lying to us to maintain their power over our lives.

This is a sniffing dog trained to look for slackers wasting time on digital media. Looks like he found one!!!

Cigarettes that moan when you smoke them

I don’t trust that pen I stole from my bank

New Request

your call will be answered in the order in which it was hung up on

[The Cure voice] 🎶 Monday, you can fall apart / Tuesday, you can also fall apart / Wednesday, Thursday, you got it, fall apart / it’s Friday, you’ve fallen apart 🎶

like all of you, I am truly shocked that a 34-count convicted felon, pedophile, and five-time draft dodger who made hush money payments to a porn star and incited an insurrection against his opponents at the U.S. Capitol would also engage in war crimes against foreign countries

COMMERCIAL: do you have what it takes ME: I sincerely hope not

CYNDI LAUPER: 🎶 some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world 🎶 ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER: [trying to think of a plot for The Phantom of the Opera] huh

SERIAL KILLER: [walks in, puts bag of weapons down, rubs temple] you will not believe the day I’ve had ME: [hands bound, handkerchief stuffed in my mouth, hanging upside down on a hook] mmffhhmffhh

Stephen Miller's tiny Nazi balls have got to be bluer than a Smurf performing auto-erotic asphyxiation after Donald Trump declared a two week ceasefire

if politicians can get paid for not doing their jobs, why can’t the rest of us

gofund.me/98e93bb87 I love this little boy with all my heart, and now other people who love him need help. If you are able, please consider sharing and/or giving to this grieving family.

The openness of these war crimes is atrociously perpetrated by the world's dumbest fucking criminal sociopaths. We needed Nuremberg YESTERDAY.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Garcia: I think that Trump has lost his mind. He's not capable of being the president and he should be removed using the 25th amendment immediately. I don't trust anything that that man or the people around him actually do. He has proven to be the most corrupt person to ever be president.

Competence shouldn't be a punishment.