Celebrating Father's Day bu refusing to ask for directions

Celebrating Father's Day by leaving the refrigerator door open while I stare inside.

I'm in grad school, I don't have time to be funny rn.

I want someone who looks at me like they just found an extra mozzarella stick

You don't have to answer the door for the Feds. Do not voluntarily talk to the Feds. If they have a warrant signed by an actual judge, then they can do precisely what the warrant says. But DO NOT TALK TO THE FEDS. Do not answer the door. If you're arrested, your only words are "I want a lawyer."

We’ve got the Onion Newsvan circling the cursed UFC fight outside the White House.

Every time I fold fitted sheets I hear my ancestors whisper "we survived plagues for this"

If George Washington were alive today, he'd probably be a vampire and honestly that is the last thing we need right now

This day in history. 2008. World Oceans Day supports the protection and sustainable development of the planet's oceans. It is observed by all United Nations member countries except the United States because the countries won't agree with the change of name from Pacific Ocean to Commotion Ocean.

I'm not a suggested follow.

I hate everyone and everything. I should never leave my house again.

Happy “When is Father’s Day again?” Month

welcome to bluesky. threads isn't real. it can't hurt you here

CBS meetings now

BREAKING! CBSNews is authorized to report that The Faith Tones will headline Freedom 250.

Alvin and Chipmunks agent, Dave, says band never planned to perform at Freedom 250. Simon in rehab, Alvin flattened in tragic Econo Lodge misunderstanding years ago, Theodore busy at hickory nut farm.

I want to go to Peru, Mexico and Kokomo. All cities in Indiana. I work in education, it's the best I can do.

Still can't step on a crack, even though my Mom's been dead ten years.

Lying on the floor because I don't want to disturb my dog on her bed, which is sort of mine too.

I see Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are now locked in a fierce battle for the previously uncontested title of who can unite the most people across the world in joy at the explosion of a spaceship.

Incredible

no, i don’t wanna see my ‘stats’, nytimes puzzles . im not a major league ball-player . or AM i {balks}

Counting the number of horror movies I’ve seen instead of sheep to go to sleep

Windy.com is a cool website.

[arriving at first date] "Sorry I'm late, what size ski mask do you wear, and how fast can you drive?"

*a light and happy song comes on* WHAT THE FUCK

Bram Stoker's Ruth's Chris' Steak' House'

Christopher Shields returns with a new cartoon on the Supreme Court's horrid decision on voting rights. Check it out free at Fight the Fire. And please join us with a free subscription for more toons and other great content.

There must be someone out there would appreciate a home cooked lasagna

If we didn’t leave over half of the world’s population living in abject poverty we wouldn’t have most of the societal issues we have to deal with. Drug addiction, crime, scam artists all are mostly preceded by poverty.

Remember to switch to airplane mode when crossing Styx.

Americans don't know the reasons Iran hates the US. In 1951 Iran's democracy elected Mohammed Mossadegh. The CIA & British intelligence staged a coup, installed a dictator who tortured and killed people. It goes on from there.

Photo by @nicolehester.bsky.social for The Tennesseean www.tennessean.com/picture-gall...

Well that picture is gonna be in a textbook someday. And hopefully that textbook will be legal to posses it the states of Tennessee, Florida and Texas, et. al.

The mood on the ground in Tennessee today.

If you can't kiss, you can't fuck.

🖕🙋🙋‍♀️🖕🏽🙋‍♂️🤷🏻‍♀️🖕🏽🤷🏽🤦🖕🏻U 🖕🏽🤦‍♀️🤷🏼🖕🏻🤦‍♂️🤷🖕🤷‍♀️🤦🏾‍♂️🖕🏽S 🖕🏿🙋🏼‍♂️🤦🏻🖕🙋🏼🤷🖕🏻🙋🏻‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🖕A

The boy is a star football player in high school. With a cowboy hat strapped to his helmet and cigarette smoke rolling out past his face mask, he sprints for a 60 yard touchdown. GO MARLBORO BOY!!!

The country and the world should not be held hostage by the whims of a vindictive, petulant child.

Day 15, 081 of not using trigonometry

You never have to defend politicians. You really do not. When you feel the urge bubbling up, drink water and keep it moving.

Happy May Day. They can’t kill us all.

The fact that there is literally a SpongeBob meme for everything feeling in human existence really speaks to how prolific the show is but also how absurdism really does have a marked place in society and how essential whimsy is to the passage of time.

It speaks volumes when people laugh about instead of being shocked about a presidential assassination "attempt."

Wearing a kilt and freeballing it would fix me

Marijuana should never have been a Schedule I narcotic in the first place. This timing, though: Trump is trying to claw back support he’s lost with young voters, especially young men.

Hoisting my own petard while rearranging my boobs in my bra.

The Cure makes me think of either old girlfriends or hair product. There is no in-between