Is there any fucking horror this shameless vampire c*nt won’t try and capitalise on? It’s so utterly dispiriting and such an illustration of the destructive and pernicious influence he has had on this country you can find yourself typing ‘I’m just relieved her murderer was white.’

Unbelievable to see so many watch thieves on the rampage.

I really hope the pregnant woman asked this about Ann Widdecombe.

Well this appears to be doing some numbers. Excellent crowd work by one member of the crowd. Feel free to join the nice people telling me I did a good job, or the large proportion of keyboard warriors telling me how they would have dealt with it better. 🙄

Ok. I’m calling it. It’s too hot.

I want to know if they’re called pedal bins while they’re still small.

Have popped over to the Isle of Wight to have lunch with my mum before tonight’s gig in Southampton. She just informed me that when they bought this five bedroom house with its acre of land in 1978, their mortgage repayments were £17 per month. Am now drinking heavily. (Rosé, obviously.)

I feel another Alistair (smashing chap) is somewhat underplaying the massive cuntidunal fuckstickingly revolting evil twattery of this obnoxious, revolting amoral and genuinely despicable wart on a haemorrhoid of the arsehole of humanity.

Very much enjoying the commentariat bemoaning the fact there is not an appropriate serious candidate in Clacton for everyone to coalesce around à la Martin Bell. I think the fact there is only a candidate so unserious he has a bin on his head is far more appropriate than they realise. #VoteBinface

Update: Now not entirely sure this is a bot. Appears to be another part of the anatomy entirely:

OH NO IT ISN’T! 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Ok. We’ve now reached the stage where I think it could be EVEN FUNNIER if @countbinface.bsky.social ruled himself out. Imagine Nige standing against himself in a circular one man wanking competition which would be a perfect metaphor for his entire political philosophy. Go on my Lord. Make it so!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHetc

I have to say I am thoroughly enjoying all the Faragists defending his backfiring tantrum as though it’s some sort of tactically miraculous, yet deeply moral Force Majeure. I genuinely thought Goodwin, Yusuf, Tice et al could not look more preposterous. But I am big enough to admit when I am wrong.

Now I guess we’re all just waiting for Donald Trump to call Lynsey Hoyle three times to get him to reverse Nige’s resignation.

Hard to think of more definitive evidence that Farage is f**ked:

If you'd told me ten years ago that in 2026 I would be cheering on both the Iranian leadership AND a man with a bin on his head I would have thought you were quite mad.

Call me Sherlock Holmes, but I reckon this might be a bot:

Nige old love? The people HAVE spoken. And what they seem to be saying is you’re a bit of a bellend. #voteBinface

If Binface wins, we’re going to insist he becomes Speaker, right?

I thought this was quite a prescient post this morning. Little did I know that by midnight it would have aged like an ‘82 Château Lafite.

BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE! BINFACE!

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE EXCITING THAN COLUMBIA v SWITZERLAND.

I hope we all realise this means if Farage lost to Binface, he would have been beaten by an alien. I now want this possibly more than I want the World Cup.

If no one but a man with a bin on his head stands against Farage in his self-inflicted hissy fit, I suspect Britain will rediscover a faith in the power of politics to do good which we have sorely missed so far this century.

Oh for gods sake. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. Nigel didn’t report the illegal hack because his pants were on fire. His house. Sorry. His house was on fire. His house.

Heading into London with THIS on my wrist. That’s right. I’m DANGEROUS. #watchmen #jewelleryladies

I wish I’d turned down an enormous amount of money to go into a profession where people just wang £5m at you from time to time, no strings attached.

In a sane world, no one would stand against Farage. Reveal it to be the tawdry publicity stunt it always was. In a slightly less sane world, the Tories and Restore would fight tooth and nail with Reform for it. Everyone’s going to stand and pretend they can win. Aren’t they? 🙄

Calling a by-election over the sovereign right of every MP to take secret gifts from a convicted criminal. What a time to be alive.

What I'd really like to know is how Farage manages to square 'not being in politics' when he received the £5m with being the majority shareholder in Reform, which he was at the time. You OWNED a political party Nigel, stop pretending everyone's as duplicitous (and thick) as you.

Heading into London to do a preview at Top Secret Comedy Club at 6pm tonight. New show, should be good. AND I WILL BE WEARING A WATCH NIGEL YOU LYING TOERAG. Tickets here: thetopsecretcomedyclub.co.uk/events-listi...

Well doesn't *that* just sum up the state of the planet in 2026:

In a decent world, England would have kicked off against Mexico at a reasonable hour and I would have had to make the tricky decision about whether or not to stay up for Farage's announcement about his future in public life.

Hang on. George Cottrell 'lends' Nigel Farage a 5 storey townhouse to use as a Lomdon base? I thought Nige already had five houses. DId he not think to buy one 'near work'? Bloody scroungers.

Unbelievable. Not content with toasting ‘the ‘RA’ and giving shout outs to paedophiles on Cameo, your favourite political party CEO now appears to be attempting some sort of feeble impersonation of Michael Caine.

Now the US has lost, Trump will distance himself from the team quicker than sh*t off a shovel. Can’t abide losers you see. (Also means he can conveniently avoid being loudly abused in a stadium where at least three quarters of the crowd will tell him what a big one he is.)

Going to commission Pam Ayres to write a pro-BBC poem called I Wish I'd Looked After Lord Reith.

Quite astonishing how literally ANYTHING Trump touches turns to shit and *still* a vast swathe of Americans fail to notice.

Famous last words. But are the USA actually too embarrassed to beat Belgium? 🤣

Belgium 1 - USA 0 I’m off to bed before Donald Trump phones VAR to ‘explain’ the offside rule. 🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪

COME ON BELGIUM! 🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪🇧🇪 (Apologies American friends, but your president somehow managed to extend the stench of his corruption to the World Cup without even having the cojones to attend a game. Bone spurs, I imagine.)

My children have just played me a version of ‘Tricky’ by Run DMC, but remixed by The Crazy Frog, and for once I don’t feel quite so bad about the state of the planet we are bequeathing to them.

The American Dream used to mean you can *achieve* whatever you want. Unfortunately it has been corrupted to mean you can *have* anything you want. Including your top goal-scorer. You can’t. This is The World Cup Not The ‘World’ Series.

You have to hand it to Trump. Not many people could claim to understand sport and prove quite how comprehensively they don't in the same sentence.

Quite something to think a World Cup that was beset by problems - mostly to do with Trump, but also the US (hydration breaks, late kick offs, extended halftime,) was shaping up to be a superb tournament, and yet still Donald Trump found a way to ruin it just when it started to get really exciting.

Weird to think Andy Burnham’s first job in government is going to be making three phone calls to FIFA to get Jarell Quansah’s red card rescinded.