Just watched ‘I Swear’ and I am, frankly a gibbering wobble of jelly. Obviously Peter Mullan & Maxine Peake are incapable of giving bad performances, but Scott Ellis Watson & Robert Amarayo as John are equally outstanding. Just brilliant. Wow. I am a mess.

FINALLY. Something to cheer me up.

Walliams be fumin’.

My friend told me yesterday that he was recently cut up by Jennifer Saunders, who apologised profusely. So minor it didn't even happen to me.

The Conservative Party is simultaneously arguing people shouldn’t be jailed for social media posts directly calling for violence, but also that people’s citizenship should be revoked over social media posts they don’t like. Make it make sense.

And there was me thinking we were always told it was important to look after your shareholders - even to the detriment of your customers. It’s almost like Big Tech is allowed to thrive on shafting both.

Christmas update: Mother has just found a Vienetto (sic) in the freezer which was bought for the kids but remained untouched as we were all having so much FUN. Have just received a panicked text demanding a course of action to deal with the foul intruder in Freezer 3, Drawer 4 Left Subsection 1.

It’s so tediously boringly fucking obvious we’re being screwed over from a great height while governments utterly fail to protect the people who have elected them from billionaires preying on them. And you wonder where conspiracy theorists come from?

another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

This.

This is literally what the Telegraph campaigned for.

On the plus side, I may have got an entire new show out of this year’s festivities, so every cloud….

Waiting for the Isle of Wight Ferry. A cold box in the boot containing food my mother has left lying around for two days which we will throw away the minute we get home. *and breathe* Pretty sure my favourite Christmas tradition now is making a list of things I need to talk to my therapist about.

Make a Bond movie academic: From Russia With O-Level

The bottom line is that any American who has a problem with immigration should also have a problem with America.

Day 3: I tell you what. Spending Christmas at the home of an undiagnosed ADHD passive aggressive control freak with a paranoid fear of leftovers & an inability to cope with excited grandchildren is SO restful. 🕉️ (And before anyone says anything, I am diagnosed, I’m not passive & I love leftovers. 🤪)

Dear god. Christmas at my mum’s - like a live reenactment of the Yorkshiremen sketch from Monty Python.

During the day (at 4pm exactly to be precise,) she puts on a woodburnng stove that has a faulty vent so is hot enough to blow glass on. Honestly. It’s either a forge or a fridge. Two days here and I already feel like I’m going through the menopause. God bless us, everyone. 😩

Jesus F-ing Christ. More domestic Yuletide bliss: Mum goes off to put on her electric blanket. I point out everyone was frozen last night so she goes & turns up some radiators. That turn off at 9:30. ‘We don’t keep them on through the night.’ Which is fine IF YOU’VE GOT A BASTARD ELECTRIC BLANKET.

Top 5 comments of the day so far from the world’s most hospitable mother: 5. ‘You don’t baste a bird.’ 4. ‘Why on earth are you having a cocktail!?’ 3. Aunt Bessie’s are *perfectly* good’. 2. ‘Three vegetables are quite enough’ 1. Why are you taking your shoes off? We’re not a Muslim household.’

Situation update: Considering necking this entire bottle of homemade sloe gin and sleeping through the holiday.

Sorry. This is incorrect. Grandma simply believes they are ‘active children’. 🙁☹️😣😖😖😫😩

03:45 they were up. Three fucking forty-five. On the plus side, grandma is now possibly ever *so* slightly less dismissive of ADHD. Happy Christmas (longest) day. 🎅🏻😫

Excellent. Two strings of thirty year old fairy lights connected by a fifty year old extension cable to a forty year old three plug adaptor after the smoke alarm’s been disconnected ‘for beeping’. My wife works in risk assessment/health and safety. These scripts are writing themselves.

Three minutes into family Christmas and I have just accidentally called my mother ‘mummy’ in front of the mother of my children, who has now requested we never sleep together again.

Almost tempted to reactivate my Twitter account to post this there. I mean, I’m sure the Conspiracy Theorists of X™️ would *immediately* join the dots, no? I mean obviously the ‘grab them by the pussy’ man is being *hideously* unfairly maligned. But in the interests of full disclosure…

What we’re being told is that a guy who is an adjudicated rapist, who was credibly accused of sexual assault by dozens of women, who paid hush money to a porn star, who cheated on all his wives, who is mentioned hundreds of times in the Epstein files, couldn’t possibly be a sexual predator.

They have released incomplete, redacted files you can unredact simply by cutting and pasting them into another document. The idea they are clever enough to play Snap, let alone 4D chess, is almost as ridiculous as they are.

The real tragicomedy is the way the world is being duped in plain sight by a criminal organisation as inept and downright fucking stupid as the Trump White House.

Bad news folks. The Telegraph’s righteous and COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED fury at an increase in the minimum wage knows no bounds. They are of course completely correct and it is the end of civilisation as we know it:

I *suspect* I am on the point of identifying the problem here…

I think it only fair to warn my delightful and much appreciated new followers from yesterday (h/t Mr @mrjamesob.bsky.social & LBC) that generally there are probably rather more posts like this than there are cat pictures. So, you know, if you want to slink off again, I'll completely understand. 🐈‍⬛😘

Seconded. It would appear Richard Tice has noticed a lot of people think he’s a c*nt, specifically for saying c*nty things about SEN children. So he has apologised for being a c*nt. In other news, this does not stop Richard Tice being a c*nt.

Astro clearly not happy at all the attention. She’s in the bathroom while she gets better & to avoid the puppy. After a long day & a run, I stupidly thought a long soak in a hot bath before bed would be a lovely thing. Which it was for 30 seconds before she took a massive 💩 18 inches from my head.😫

Every journalist at all future Richard Tice press conferences should wear ear defenders. Partly to scare him as he is so petrified of SEN children wearing them, but mainly to defend their ears against the absolute horseshit they will be forced to listen to otherwise.

In years to come Kevin will explain, how, like Burt Reynolds before him, this shot cost him the Oscar.

Mouse naming folk? 🐭 You can all go home now. We’re done here:

Just done some maths comparing how much my parents paid for their house in 1978 and what it’s worth now. If my calculations are correct, by 2060 my house should be worth £14.m. Really hoping I can hang on that long. 🤞

UNBELIEVABLY, there is EVEN BETTER NEWS: Keith has a brother called Mick.🤘

In EVEN BETTER NEWS, a lady just sat down next to us with her cat, Keith. 😊

Just been laughed at by an entire vet’s waiting room when the receptionist loudly welcomed me and ‘ASTEROID DESTROYER!’ to the building. Look guys. She’s even in her space suit. They will be laughing on the other side of their labradors when she RULES THE WORLD!!!! ✊😾 👩‍🚀 ☄️🐈‍⬛

If Trump can sue the BBC for $5bn for splicing two of his sentences together, imagine what the estate of Rob and Michelle Reiner could sue him for for being a c*nt?

One way that the reaction to Rob Reiner's murder mirrors Charlie Kirk's is that the best way to eulogize each of them is to quote their words, and in both cases, doing so pisses off conservatives.

I didn’t LIKE The Cold War, but both sides at least attempted to present themselves as morally upright. Russia now says it ‘broadly shares the vision’ of a man who has just exulted in the violent death of a beloved film maker who appears to have been murdered by his own son. The Earth is SO fucked.

Weird how you can 'enjoy the show' but think nothing of slagging off its originator and creator who has also co-presented every episode. You've literally managed to defeat your own argument without involving another human or even your own bitter little brain you spanking great wank-trumpet.

As it seems abundantly clear the last govt discovered some pretty unpleasant truths about 🇷🇺 interference, then buried the report, you’d think a Labour govt would be rushing to expose & deal with the problem. An easy win, surely? I’m not just deeply disappointed by this govt, I’m genuinely mystified.

If Nigel Farage was really concerned with the hatred and violence against Jewish people, he would not send his supporters out to accuse Jewish people who remember him being antisemitic at school of being liars.

Spoiler Alert… 🙄

I always reflect on the response to the 'Rivers of Blood' speech. Powell expelled from the Tories, Wilson calling him evil. And yet Powells views were popular. His speech at the time was popular. Where is that spine now when these views have massively decreased in popularity?

If Nigel Farage was really concerned with the hatred and violence against Jewish people, he would not send his supporters out to accuse Jewish people who remember him being antisemitic at school of being liars.