Tim Davie is accused of misleading the British public & must ‘explain or resign’ according to Boris Johnson, a man who spent his entire political career misleading the British public with no explanation, & only resigned when his enough of his MPs resigned rather than serve under him. Jog on BoJo.

Love the euphemism inherent in this analysis. Is it really the Mamdani ‘policy profile’ that won’t ‘appeal in swing states’? Or perhaps they’re worried there just *might* be something else they don’t like about him… 🤔

To quote the descriptive genius that is Edmund Blackadder, Donald Trump really does have all the taste of ‘a dung beetle who’s lost interest in his career and really let himself go,’ doesn’t he? Even Americans are starting to notice.

Fuck I hate the media. Why is this even a story? Surely the ONE positive thing you can say about Andrew is he fought in the Falklands, so he got a medal. Taking it away would be denying reality in the way his his brother’s chest is full of medals he did nothing to earn. Why is that not the story!?

Fuck I hate the media. Why is this even a story? Surely the ONE positive thing you can say about Andrew is he fought in the Falklands, so he got a medal. Taking it away would be denying reality in the way his his brother’s chest is full of medals he did nothing to earn. Why is that not the story!?

Forty five minute wait for Room Service at The Park Lane Hilton. I might write to my MP. (You should see the ‘cover’ charge and ‘tray charge’ too. Insanity. Glad I’m not bloody paying…)

Trump, Donald J: “Oh no it isn’t!” 🤡

What never seems to have occurred to those ‘Great Replacement Theory’ guys is that their replacement might be better than them. Great, even. 🤣

Little query apropos of, erm...nuffink. Honest. Anyone been flashed on the M1 southbound recently (Luton-ish) by a camera that Waze utterly failed to announce was there...? Or anywhere else for that matter. Beginning to doubt Waze's veracity. (And yes, I know it's still MY fault. Hypothetically.)

Ah good. Having commented to a friend the other day one thing that had never bothered me was back pain, I appear to have somehow ‘done my back’ & am now inching around like a pissed rheumatoid sloth trying to appear sober. Good job I haven’t got a big awards do at The Hilton today or anything. 😱

Isn’t there a far better argument to say his most egregious mistakes were the deliberate actions of a serious CEO who leveraged his political position to enrich both his company and himself to the detriment of humankind? Less catchy headline, I know. 🤷‍♂️

Racists saying the train worker injured protecting passengers during the knife attack is a hero, then finding out his name:

If you’re lambasting someone for a ‘masterclass in managed decline’ a year into a job you yourself held for the previous fourteen, you’re actually giving a masterclass in stupidity. Badenoch is (very) effectively blaming those dastardly Tories, yet appears unable to comprehend that fact.

Right. Paid a tax bill today and feeling it a bit. Thinking I might nip into the Tate tomorrow armed with a little insider knowledge to replenish my assets.

Call me an unreconstructed commie pinko leftist wokie snowflake, but I’m just wondering if the ‘vibes’ of making their customers the beneficiaries of a company’s efforts, rather than their shareholders, might actually be quite ‘good’ vibes.

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." This James Baldwin quote is hitting harder than ever.

Why not start the week with a very old gag of mine from this weekend about my half-Scottish ancestry (which I’m very happy about?) Just updated the punchline to reflect a certain ex-royal’s new reality (which he’s probably rather less happy about.)

They really, really, really have to f*cking stop. Now.

Far be it from me to knock a chap when he’s down, but, um, isn’t ’taking away titles’ not really an actual punishment? We do have a quaint system for wrongdoing for those of us without titles/ranks/‘honorifics’ & free mansions. If he’s done enough to lose these, he’s done enough to end up in court.

Weird. I’m sure I remember the ‘Will of the People’ being an unimpeachable passport to future glory. Almost certain I also recall someone making a wonderfully glossy video about how great it would be too.

I wonder. If Trump goes for a third term, does that mean Obama could stand against him? Whilst I don’t give the Obama Presidency a free pass, the sight of him beating Trump would be enough to allow me to.

For a story they were hoping to kill, it doesn’t seem very, um…dead, does it? I bet the Donald is watching waaaaaay closer than he wants people to think he is.

Covent Garden/Holborn to Old St in 15 minutes. Central Line and up northern, or Piccadilly and down? Or is it time to brave a bike for the first time in years…? 🤔

I know I often have a go at The Telegraph, which is beginning to feel more and more like simply chucking bricks at an old people’s home, but I really think they may have peaked this morning:

Weird, isn’t, how ‘news story involving gargantucollosabrain Dominic Cummings’ never turns out to be actually a *good* thing? Looking more and more like the combination of his ‘genius’ and Boris Johnson’s ‘charisma’ may well have been the worst thing to happen to Britain since The Black Death.

So it turns out a joke about how hard it is to write topical comedy when the stated policy of the Conservative Party is to deport its own leader doesn’t work because no one knows or cares who The Conservative Party is. Or what their policies are. Or who Kemi Badenoch is.

Only the five gigs tonight. Just to let any potential hecklers know I haven’t done a gig for a week as I’ve been looking after the kids for half term, so you might want to prepare for a level of vitriol in the put down department you may well not have been expecting.

I’ve gone to work, but I have left a bowl of sweets out for the T or T’ers. 🎃 (Minor @fesshole.bsky.social - took most of the good ones out for when I get home and left ALL the Parma Violets for the cherubs. 🤣🤣🤣)

Just saw an ad for Flash featuring a black family with a white dog. Literally all of them were black. Except the dog. Which we’re SUPPOSED to believe could possibly be white. Insanity. Livid. Obviously I’m now about to go on a killing spree. Or as Peston would put it ‘an exuberant evening out’.

I think it’s unfair a man who has had a title his whole life should have them all removed without giving him a new one. How about ‘The Defendant’?

Does this mean the Prince really is a symbol now?

Quite something when we’re actually teaching the Americans a lesson on how to deal with a monarchy.

No idea why my timeline is full of posts about Ozymandias. I despair.

We literally gave him jelly & ice cream at Buckingham Palace but disguised the fact by calling it ‘pannacotta’ & ‘vanilla bombe’. Trump is the living embodiment of the rest of the world’s idea of what the worst American is, but most Americans aren’t. Sadly - enough of them still voted for him. 🤯

Putin, Netanyahu, Macron, Starmer, literally any other f*cking head of state: “Oh no! Rumbled! The secret’s out. I feel SEEN!!!”

On the plus side, this reminded me of the new Badenoch joke I wrote in my head & then completely forgot. On the minus side, it involves the difficulty of writing comedy when Tory policy appears to be to deport their own leader. Far worse - Katie Lam appears to have just got an award for it. 🤯

The only thing funnier than Trump confusing a dementia test for an IQ test is that THIS IS THE SECOND TIME HE’S DONE THAT

Luckily, I’m sure the Mail/Express/Telegraph/Reform nexus will take a similarly unhysterical view of the entire matter. I mean, it’s obviously worse than embezzling £122m during a global pandemic to spend on yachts & tie up in secret trusts, but which of us can honestly say they’ve never done that?

There's no excuse for UK official accounts staying on what used to be Twitter. Move to other platforms and defy the media not to follow because if they don't, they'll be irrelevant. (Obvs most of the media is already on the other platforms.)

Can you block Elon Musk from a country?

Sensible policies for a happier Britain.

Clearly humans can only be housed in non-human residential areas without the prospect of pedestrian access to other humans. Inverness Zoo fucking closed was it Angus? Maybe requisition an oil rig and cheer as it disappears with all hands beneath the waves you morbid prick.

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families.

Let’s be honest, most of us have been hoping this is what they’d do since the 2019 General Election.

Ah, farewell The Queen.

Well done Peston, well done Pochin, well done The Mail/Telegraph/Express/Times/GBNews, Tories, Labour. You’re normalising this shit. People who actually think calling them Enoch is a compliment, not even clocking who else you’re referring to. To all my friends of colour. I’m really fucking sorry.

People in glass houses shouldn’t be allowed Overton windows.

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families.

The Al Johnson known as Boris is an ass. To communicate he dresses in the loose suits of someone else, breakfast visible down his chest. Tufts of straw fluff from his ears in need of a clean. His voice Nadine Dorries thinks is ‘adorable’. The Daily Mail employs this rampant egomaniac, every week.

I’m doing a matinee and evening show at the brilliant Frog & Bucket in Manchester today. Here’s a bit of fun I had with lovely MC @barrydodds.bsky.social last time I was there. Two middle aged men = toilet humour, obvs… 🤣💩🚽